To this most men genuinely don't care about using condoms?

[monsterpup]

Apologies if this is a bit TMI but it's been on my mind lately and it's not exactly the topic you bring up over coffee with your friends!

I have become single recently for the first time in a while, and for the first time in my life I've decided to stay single, date casually and just enjoy myself.

As part of this I've slept with people casually for the first time and I am truly shocked at how few men seem to actually care or even think about condoms. Obvious STI risk aside, these men have also failed to ask me if I was on birth control (I'm not!) and seemed happy to crack right on with no protection until prompted. I will point out there's been no actual complaints when I have prompted - it's been a "oh yeah, do you have one" kinda thing which also surprises me.

AIBU to think that men just don't care? Or am I going for terrible men

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Definitely NBU. My husband is one of few people I have slept with who was actually pretty strict about condom use. Lots of other men would have happily let it slide if I hadn't mentioned it.

If I said what I want to say to this post I'd get deleted. Have a biscuit biscuit

My ex had a vasectomy and still insisted on condoms with other people because of STIs.

I asked both men I ended up having condomless sex with to have std screenings. They were both very reluctant and felt it was unnecessary. They had both been sexuslly active without condoms. One had had 4 girlfriends in the previous 10 yrs or so. He cited their lack of sexual partners as the reason he was happy not using condoms... Nothing was detected in his screening,according to him; though he did turn out to be a liar in many ways so who knows.

The other hand only really had condomless sex with one previous gf; he said screening was unnecessary because she was highly motivated and conscientious about her sexual health, regularly had screenings etc. He came out of the gum clinic with a script for antibiotics and a leaflet on clamydia.
I had listened to his BS and started having penetrative sex (not full) without condoms, had to also get antibiotics and if I hadn't insisted on the screening could have ended up with my fertility affected.

Those were long-term partners too.

You don't know what anyone could have and pass into you, even with condoms or esp if they break. They clearly happily have sex without them with anyone they get sex with, if they were happy to go ahead with you and it's casual.

Sex for men feels so much better without a condom on and if they’re having a ONS then they’re going to think about the immediate pleasure more than the long term consequences.

I would never not use a condom with a ONS/first dating because I think if that man would not wear a condom with me he’s more than likely not wearing it with every other women he’s having sex with.

A number of men I’ve seen online genuinely seem to have a breeding fetish. It’s disturbing.

As a PP said when we do get to the stage to remove the condom we both get an STI check up.

Decent men will suggest this or agree to this.
If they have an issue with it then they’re not the right guy to be with.

They know that they can just walk away from any pregnancy.

They know that people will be sympathetic to "That bitch refused to have an abortion, even though I wanted her to. Not fair. She has all the control and I have none."

They know nobody will ever force them to pay child support or look after a child. And that if they do either even occasionally they will be lauded as a hero.

They don't have to give birth or suffer the effects of pregnancy.

It's low stakes for men.

TBF, I don't think most people use condoms to protect against STIs, it's pregnancy which is the more significant risk for most people. We should care about STIs but because they tend to be a private, embarrassing thing we don't really have a sense of how common/easy it is to catch them and most can be treated, so perhaps it doesn't seem like that big of a risk.

They know that people will be sympathetic to "That bitch refused to have an abortion, even though I wanted her to. Not fair. She has all the control and I have none."

The "she trapped me/set a trap" is equally common .... Even on here, it's cited and believed in seconds.

Also though there's an interesting bit of psychology that goes on during sex - when we're aroused, apparently we become less able to make rational decisions and we live more in our reactive, animal/lizard type brain which means that short term reward becomes highly magnified and long term concerns minimised hugely.

The balance is still different for men vs women because women know they would have to go through pregnancy/birth or abortion and likely be left with the baby. So we are more able to keep that long term concern forefront because it is a lot bigger, even when minimised, it's still fairly equal and IME sex with/without a condom isn't a huge difference as a woman so it's a no brainer even if you're so horny you can't think.

Whereas for men it makes quite a significant difference to feeling, and the long term concern isn't that great for them to begin with so with the arousal filter on that maximises short term over long term, no condom wins instantly. They have to be a pretty rational, empathetic, sensible kind of man to override that.

They should all freeze their sperm and get vasectomies.

Very good point too.

This makes a lot of sense.

Hmm I have the opposite experience.I think it also depends what age bracket you are dating in.
Most men I have dated( and some of my gf stories ) not only carry their own condoms but also will prefer their own ones instead of the ones the woman might have.
My friend dates city guys and the ones she has been with are literally paranoid about getting someone pregnant.

Yeah cause men are known for being tolerant of pain, inconvenience, being selfless etc etc.

It doesn't affect them enough for them to put themselves out. As posters have said, they always been able to walk away with zero consequences. Now they have the minor consequence of cm, if it can even be enforced.

Women have always been forced to be the gate keepers of sex and reproduction. And suffer heavily for it if they "fail" (them and children).

We can have reliable contraception, abortion, sexual "freedom" but don't ever forget that.

YABU to not be using additional contraception and be having casual sex. Men are dick driven and will not think of consequences like paying for a child for the next 18 years!

My friend dates city guys and the ones she has been with are literally paranoid about getting someone pregnant.

They are probably in the top 1 pc of earners in the country.

Of course they are paranoid.

Most men are not like them however.

The guys I have been with have been the same.Not top 1 percent just decent workers.
Once due to condom accident the guy when offered to drop a morning after pill to me even after I reassured him that I have been on a pill for years.
Never had this issue

I meant their salary.

Not their conscientious around contraception.

I agree that any decent guy would take equal responsibility and use condoms in casual sex situations.

*conscientiousness

Tell me about it, I'm fed up of idiots stating 'schools don't teach X/they should teach Y' when they haven't even looked at the curriculum. 🙄

Its because they are not the ones ending up pregnant afterwards...

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet it's called the heat of the moment. And yes. Many of us have been there

I understood. My husband was the same at the start and he wasn't earning god knows what.

Amongst men I know that talk about this there seems to be a big generational divide. People more my age who got The Fear during the 80s tend to be more likely to use them and people younger than that less likely.

In my life I've only slept with 2 women that were gonna proceed without and they were surprised when I wouldn't.

It's been a surprise to me, too. The chances of me getting pregnant are low, but not impossible - I'm 50 but still have periods. I'm dating men round my own age, which means we were all teenagers and early 20s as the AIDS epidemic was at its peak in the '80s and '90s.

I do usually mention I've been enjoying a summer of promiscuity. I've discussed STIs and perimenopause and condoms with most of them, particularly before we meet. All that and still hardly any of them want to pause to put a condom on, despite knowing I have been sleeping around, and also if they're prepared to fuck me when we barely know each other, they probably do likewise with other women. And yet still no thought to condoms unless I stop them and say they can't without one. I know I'm taking risks, but at least I admit it.

So what if it doesn't feel quite as good? It's presumably better than not having sex at all, and there are loads of different types of condoms these days, not like 100 years ago, so I don't believe it would be like using a rubber glove.

One guy wants to go swinging bareback,but thinks it's fine, because he gets full STI testing once a year as part of his work's private health package. I think once a year is a long time if you're sleeping with lots of people with no barrier protection. Still, he hasn't spoken to me since I last said I wasn't available to meet.

Then there was the one who only seemed to wonder if i was okay to have sex with after I said I'd just had a round of testing and the results were all clear. It's not like it would have been safer if I hadn't mentioned it, or if i didn't test at all.

I do wonder if they actually listen to themselves at times. And to think they like to think of themselves as the logical sex (I work in IT...)

But there are those who will use one without much complaint when I insist, and there are a small minority who are actually proactive about it. But they are far, far fewer than I expected.