To this most men genuinely don't care about using condoms?

[monsterpup]

Apologies if this is a bit TMI but it's been on my mind lately and it's not exactly the topic you bring up over coffee with your friends!

I have become single recently for the first time in a while, and for the first time in my life I've decided to stay single, date casually and just enjoy myself.

As part of this I've slept with people casually for the first time and I am truly shocked at how few men seem to actually care or even think about condoms. Obvious STI risk aside, these men have also failed to ask me if I was on birth control (I'm not!) and seemed happy to crack right on with no protection until prompted. I will point out there's been no actual complaints when I have prompted - it's been a "oh yeah, do you have one" kinda thing which also surprises me.

AIBU to think that men just don't care? Or am I going for terrible men

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If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

Yes, you are completely right, I often think 'well you should have used a condom' when I read about men wailing when they have to pay for/look after a child.
My first BF when I was 18 was very insistent on condoms all the time, and thank god as I later found out I was pretty fertile.

When I was mid 20s I had an older BF (he was divorced with 2 teenagers). Once he was trying to put the condom on and it jumped off, he was having trouble getting it on correctly and he said 'I don't have much luck with condoms you should go on the pill' What a twat.
Even if I had been on hormonal contraception AND he'd had a vasectomy I would still insist on condoms, because I could have had sex 3 months before with someone with HIV or gonorrhoea or he could have had sex with someone with Syphilis. How do you know? If he wants to risk my health like that he can go and find somewhere else to stick his yukky uncondomed cock, I dumped the fucking presumptuous bastard after that!

I'm old enough to remember the truly terrifying AIDS adverts that used to be on the telly that basically reminded you in every ad break that if you had sex without a condom you would die (a problematic message in hindsight but an effective one). I have never had sex without a condom except with DH and every guy used to carry them in their wallets. I think if I were to date now I'd find it shocking that this isn't happening but I guess it's not a message that is very publicly hammered home anymore.

Times moved on and other awareness campaigns happened e.g. when binge drinking was a huge problem in the 90s the campaigns didn't change the habits of those of us already doing the binge drinking but the next generation were much lighter drinkers but STDs were more common again. Then come the early 00s and smoking was the horror story du jour.

YANBU! I think this has always been the case though? Possibly because they're not the ones who would become pregnant. Just out of interest, what age range are the guys you're hooking up with?

You're not on birth control and having casual sex - more fool you. You're the one responsible for your own contraception/sexual health care not anyone else. Lets not kid ourselves here, its always been that way and always should be.

Sometimes I really wonder about people's sense of responsibility.

YANBU they don’t care.

A guy I was seeing wasn’t bothered when I told him I wasn’t on the pill, he was happy to continue. I later found out he had a wife and child.
That’s how stupid some men are.

I'm shocked at this.. it's 2022 and there's no excuse for not knowing the consequences. They'll have mates or know of people who ended up being a dad when they didn't want to be etc.

*Incidentally, if they'll happily fuck you without condoms, they'll happily fuck any woman without condoms ...

I'd like to amend that "anyone" ... Because there is a percentage of bi and MSM (men who have sex with men) men out there, and in relatively casual sex situations you're less likely to discover that.

(Note that bi/gay punters are reporting male & trans prostitutes are increasingly have sex without condoms (receiving and giving) because they are taking "Prep" for hiv prevention; doesn't stop other STDs however).

Yeah I've only ever met one guy who was bothered about using them .

I'm also not on any other from of contraception

I remember seeing an ad from a Scandinavian country showing a glum looking dad pushing a screaming baby around a supermarket. The slogan was (camera on baby) “if you don’t want one of these, wear one of these” (condom).

“It’s like going for a paddle with your socks on” is most mens reactions.

It doesn’t feel as good for them. Frankly, if I was in a single status and sleeping with different men, I would insist and say not feeling as good is better than not at all surely?

I prefer it without with my dh but he’s had the snip and we’ve been together 10 years.

Most women don't tend to continue pregnancies with casual and disinterested father's .. they rely on that.

They also rely on the fact that they can get away with 12pc of their salary (reducing if they have more kids) being sacrificed. And they don't actually have to even see their child let alone do any of the day to day raising/looking after if they choose not to.

The unemployed ones care even less cause no salary to be deducted, just some pittance of a few pounds from their benefits.

They don't gaf.

This. It's so utterly depressing to have all of the responsiblity pushed on us as women, even down to supplying condoms. And yes, somehow it's our fault for getting pregnant. Amazing how they change the narrative.

I'm actually on the depo and dating, and I never tell men I'm on contraception. If they're not proactive and responsible and don't get a condom out then I've got to the point that I just won't see them again. It hasn't happened yet but not many dates have got as far as that anyway.

Absolutely!
plus women can have worse long term consequences from STIs than men do, eg infertility.

In real life I think most people know this but online people will say How dare you, women are just like men, there’s no difference, blah blah.

Whatever luv, but unfortunately some more vulnerable (particularly younger) women fall for this rubbish and put themselves at risk.

I love this advert

link

I'm actually quite surprised at people calling me irresponsible for not being on birth control! I had to come off hormonal birth control for mental health reasons and I've been on the waiting list to get the copper coil for over six months.

Condoms are a valid choice of birth control, obviously they are not infallible but neither is hormonal birth control and I am cautious about my use. I take regular pregnancy tests, regular STI check ups and am very careful about condoms breaking etc in which case I would get the morning after pill.

Hormonal contraceptives are not an option for every woman - do I just not have sex until I can get the coil?

The fact he took responsibility for condom use from the start is one of the reason’s I married my husband. So attractive!

It is odd. I mean quite apart from STIs how can they be so blase about contraception being outside of their control?

I was chatting to a guy on old and he informed me that he never wore condoms because he had had a vasectomy. His exact words were "I didn't go through the procedure just to have to wear condoms anyway" 😮

@monsterpup

I wouldnt.

🤷‍♀️

I wouldnt trust condoms as my only method.

They do genuinely care about using condoms.

They genuinely care about persuading you to not insist on them using one.

I used only condoms for years.

Most of the time I was in steady, exclusive relationships however.

I do regret using them in casual sex situations however, because in one I think he could have sabotaged them because he wanted to impregnate me (visa geezer), I was very young and the possibility didn't occur to me. He also obviously risked my health re STDs if he did.

While that is an unusual situation, and that's one reason I didn't suspect it, there are still quite a lot of risks to only using condoms (re pregnancy) and to having casual sex with condoms alone.

No, they truly don't care.
Some men will put their dick into anything. hole in a mattress, vacuum, pie, glory hole.
Refuse to go to the doctor, many shower dodgers, can't even get them to wash their hands after going to the toilet.

They do care in that most of them want not to use them at all costs.

Ateotd they don't fully protect against all STDs. They are next to useless if they break re std and pregnancy protection, and you can get the map but you can't do anything about the std risk (though I think there is something you can get, if you get it quickly, for hiv risk).

And you don't have screening from a casual partner in the way you could from a steady, exclusive partner.

Yes I can't take anything either, or have anything inserted, not having casual sex at the moment but condoms are a valid method and have the STI factor too.