Finding it hard to stay in touch with best friend who previously distanced herself

[blublublub]

There are all kinds of friendships and friendships also change.

I had a bestish friend for many years and for one reason or another, she distanced herself form me a few years ago. She was going through a lot in her life and there wasn't space for our friendship anymore for her.

I was pretty hurt, for a long time. I never made any drama about it or let her know. But it was painful for a very long time.

The way I saw it, she kept in touch with certain friends, but somehow not with me.

In any case, she does occasionally reach out. I so wish I could just go along with the friendship this way, but I guess I'm still hurt.

I have friends who I hear from only once in a while and it's not an issue, but because of the sudden shift in friendship and because it didn't naturally drift - I think I still feel hurt by it and would rather just not be in touch at all. I wish I could get past it though.

Has anyone else eventually got past a situation like this ? My ideal would be that it just wouldn't bother me at all and I could be breezy about it. I think I'm still upset because I didn't really understand it I guess. And it seems like she was fine keeping in touch with other people, but not me. So I took it personally. I spent a long time trying to work out what I did wrong.

Thank you for your understanding. I beat myself up about it. I wish I could just be ok with it. Get past my ego somehow. One day maybe.

Then I’d be a bit harsh. It’s stressful and hard to deal with on a loop of behaviour

My BFF said some hideous things to me then froze me out for over 2 years. More to do with her and her mental health than me. She’s lost many friends this way but I never thought it would affect us.
she then reached out. It took a while, and our relationship is altered forever but I do see her again. Our shared history pre being ‘ditched’ by her is too precious for me not to give the friendship another whirl.
but as I said, our relationship has been harmed forever, and I don’t trust her the way I used to.

I was all prepared to say talk it out with her, but, 2/3 texts a year is not worth the trouble. It’s not like age is suggesting meeting up/getting back on track.
I wouldn’t reply to any further messages.

If she really cares she will notice the lack of a reply and call. At that moment you can tell her it’s too hurtful to keep replying and being ignored, you have no idea why things are so strained can she explain what has happened. You will then have closure or a resolution.
What she is doing now is unkind op. Keeping you dangling, I wouldn’t tolerate it.

At a very difficult time in my life I cut off an old friend and still maintained other friendships. I’m sure she feels how you do and I’m sad about that for her because it wasn’t personal and she is a very good person.

I did it because I simply didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with her at that time. She had very high expectations from our friendship which she articulated, her expectations are probably reasonable in other situations but they were not ones I could deliver on with the external situations I was handling in the background.

I also found she was not good emotional support for me at that time but she herself had high emotional support needs which was again more than I could handle. I was totally incapable of having good boundaries with her at the time because of what I was going through - my fault entirely.

None of those circumstances speaks in anyway to her character, she is a very good, kind person who is full of integrity but our individual personalities did not work together during that period of our lives.

Is it you Susie ??

Hahaha just kidding. You speak very well of your friend. Why don't you get back in touch ?

@Rounddog and thanks for so kindly and articulately explaining it.

It does make sense and I think maybe our situations are similar.

What stops you from getting back in touch with her ?

Now the most difficult moment has passed why haven’t you reconnected? She sounds like a wonderful friend and person. A good friend would understand.

@Festoonlights this is exactly it. Why don't you ?

I would be there for my friend. In the past she's bounced back and kind of said sorry before and I've completely accepted it and put effort in again, just for her to then disappear again. So then you end up concluding that it wasn't actually situational and start taking it to heart.

Thank you for your kind words.

I think possibly too much has happened now between you and your friend, and there is resentment there. As you say, she is reaching out to you but only half heartedly every now and then. It seems as if she almost wants to keep you there as an 'option' but not actually put the effort in.

For your own sanity, maybe it's time to just block her number or something, then you won't be waiting on the next 'how are you?' message. That way if she really wants to make the effort she has to do more than send a text.

Too much fickle behaviour - and no I would be be reinvesting in someone that was like this.
In my view you are best advised to spend time with friends that treat you well, that don’t blow hot and cold etc. Its entirely their loss, not yours. The gas lighting isn’t on.
I would block her and move on and close the chapter myself. Chalk it up to her inability to be honest and a good friend. Life is too short to be treated like a second tier friend when you haven’t done anything wrong 💐

Now the most difficult moment has passed why haven’t you reconnected? She sounds like a wonderful friend and person. A good friend would understand.

I sense that the friend was a lot to maintain - there are plenty of good, kind, well meaning people who are nonetheless rather hard work.

Really? I have never heard of that. Difficult to maintain? In what way? Surely you both agree mutually convenient times to meet up/catch up etc and either side adjusts according to the demands of life etc. Emotional maintenance is surely on the person supporting, if it’s too much either say so and/ or don’t take it on.

I find it odd that people can be so incapable of talking it out. I have great friends that are full of integrity - they don’t come along every day, or even every year. They are basically gold dust, so for me I’d be finding a way to keep those people in my life, yes.

Hi OP
Just wanted to say I am in the exact same situation and it has been heartbreaking. In my situation the friend has become very successful / a bit famous so their lives have changed but I've always just assumed she would be one of my best friends. Last had a meet up towards the end of last year and this year my text messages have largely been ignored. I feel gutted when I think about it but honestly there is nothing I can do so I am in the process of letting it go.
It sounds dramatic but it does feel as though part of who you have been has died well that's how it feels to me.

I share your pain but the odd comment on my kids photos on fb isn't the same and I have to accept i am no longer that important to someone I thought of as a v close friend. People come and go I suppose, sometimes there is nothing you can do x

@Crossedtheropebridge l’d put her on Restricted so she can’t see your updates/pics.

Sorry to hear that. It's upsetting. It gets easier as time goes on and your life moves on. But I really do understand you. You're not alone, it happens a lot. People post on here quite frequently about the pain caused by friendships ending.

Thanks phishy I've actually come off fb for a bit. My real friends are the ones that I speak to in real life. It's my birthday in September and I don't want her to think she can post a happy birthday message on my fb page and that is enough. I don't miss fb at all, it turns out!

Yeah I had a similar situation. Really good friend, I think she outgrew me or something and pretty much just threw me away like a decade of friendship was worthless.

so I just stopped reaching out and she’d hit me a few times mostly “just checking in” and I’d reply but it would be this constant reminder that someone is talking to me like in a groupie? I honestly felt like she was believed she was doing me a favour by “just checking in!!!”

then one day she sent a msg and I just had enough. It was her usual “ong how are youuuuuuhh!! It’s been soooo long we must catch up soon!!”
so I deleted her out of my phone book and just blanked her. That was a year ago. Then she sent me a similar message earlier this year. I just had something shit like “enjoy your weekend” and ignored her responses

I still get upset about it. Mostly I get annoye that I feel she must sit around talking to her better friends: “I must msg X I feel so guilty that I’m so busy!!!”
ugh fuck off

Good thinking! I came off FB too.

Thanks for this very honest and insightful post Rounddog.

It sad that both of you have effectively lost good friendships with each other.

I think the bottom line is with friendships fail is when expectations between each other other change. Sometimes the mismatch is short lived and the friendship can recover, other times it cannot.

It is a real disappointment when you've invested so much time, effort and love for a friend and when it seems the friendship is particularly one sided and there is barely any communication. I really feel for you and I like many others have been there. It sucks.

blubblub - what do you honestly want out of this? Do you really still want her as a fair weather friend? Do you think that if you told her how upset and let down you feel, would she apologise, would she change? If you could move on, and still be friends, could you move past the resentment and let-down you feel right now?

In my case we were friends for 15 or so years it seems hard to make the mental shift from feeling as though you are really close friends / closer than a lot of family to someone who is too busy to answer your texts.... v tough. Also the dawning realisation that the friendship must have meant a lot more to you than it did to them. I didn't see my friend all the time but I felt we were close. Now I see her on the TV sometimes since her media career has taken off!! So strange. I can't be happy for her as feel so blimming cross!!

My friend has also previously done it to other friends and also to me before..

Well, here ^^ you have it OP, it's how she operates and it's unlikely to change.

Personally, I wouldn't tolerate someone with a history of 'blowing hot & cold', but you might not think it's a big deal....

Festoon you sound like an excellent friend.

blubblub - what do you honestly want out of this? Do you really still want her as a fair weather friend? Do you think that if you told her how upset and let down you feel, would she apologise, would she change? If you could move on, and still be friends, could you move past the resentment and let-down you feel right now?

I don't think she'd understand at all. She would probably reply with something like ' you're responsible for your own feelings '. She did say she was sorry a while ago ( after being prompted by me saying I was sorry I couldn't be there for her, but didn't feel she wanted me to be ). But nothing changes, she fleets in with her minimal messages, suggests we should meet when I then suggest a place or whatever and she always has something else to do. So last time I said, ok no worries - next time you can suggest something ! And she was immediately confrontational - ' you seem pissed off '.. I wasn't and I didn't want to make drama out of it. So I just said - no no, I just meant you can tell me when you're free as your calendar keeps clashing.

I just feel like she'll be really horrible about it. Even if she isn't, it's not going to change. She's just done with it I think. I'll just ignore the messages.

She really does !