Page 3 | Finding it hard to stay in touch with best friend who previously distanced herself

blublublub · 2022-08-23T07:31:56+00:00

There are all kinds of friendships and friendships also change. I had a bestish friend for many years and for one reason or another, she distanced herself form me a few years ago. She was going through a lot in her life and there wasn't space for our friendship anymore for her. I was pretty hurt, for a long time. I never made any drama about it or let her know. But it was painful for a very long time. The way I saw it, she kept in touch with certain friends, but somehow not with me. In any case, she does occasionally reach out. I so wish I could just go along with the friendship this way, but I guess I'm still hurt. I have friends who I hear from only once in a while and it's not an issue, but because of the sudden shift in friendship and because it didn't naturally drift - I think I still feel hurt by it and would rather just not be in touch at all. I wish I could get past it though. Has anyone else eventually got past a situation like this ? My ideal would be that it just wouldn't bother me at all and I could be breezy about it. I think I'm still upset because I didn't really understand it I guess. And it seems like she was fine keeping in touch with other people, but not me. So I took it personally. I spent a long time trying to work out what I did wrong.

Original poster

blublublub · 23/08/2022 15:29

Crossedtheropebridge · 23/08/2022 15:02

In my case we were friends for 15 or so years it seems hard to make the mental shift from feeling as though you are really close friends / closer than a lot of family to someone who is too busy to answer your texts.... v tough. Also the dawning realisation that the friendship must have meant a lot more to you than it did to them. I didn't see my friend all the time but I felt we were close. Now I see her on the TV sometimes since her media career has taken off!! So strange. I can't be happy for her as feel so blimming cross!!

I feel the same about feeling like it meant more to me. Or like she somehow finally got rid of me. Like she just tolerated me and now she's free ! I would hate to see her on TV !

OP posts:

mamabear715 · 23/08/2022 15:42

@blublublub
There is nothing to beat yourself up for. You were a good friend. Maybe she's just moved on, maybe there's a lot going on in your life (but she could TELL you, dammit).
I have lost friends mainly through plain distance.. also MH problems & I've always 'been there' for that friend, but you can't force someone to stay in touch.. :-(

Rounddog · 23/08/2022 16:03

blublublub · 23/08/2022 15:29

I feel the same about feeling like it meant more to me. Or like she somehow finally got rid of me. Like she just tolerated me and now she's free ! I would hate to see her on TV !

Show quote history

My own situation with my friend is very complicated. It is not appropriate for your thread to go into much detail but around that time I was being unceremoniously ousted from my own family because of childhood abuse coming out. She couldn’t fully understand the situation from her own life experiences and said some very, very inconsiderate and unsupportive things. There was other stuff going on with her too and it got way too much for me. I won’t be going back because I tried the boundaries route but it didn’t work and I was completely overwhelmed by the friendship in the end.

But I ended the friendship because I was overwhelmed by it not because my friend is a bad person or somehow unworthy. She absolutely is not. As I said she has loads of fantastic qualities and she is a fantastic friend for many other people. But our friendship wasn’t the mutually supportive, balanced friendship I needed and still need from my friendships.

Relationships of all sorts come and go.

Honestly it took me a long time to come to terms with my parent’s and family’s behaviour being about themselves, just as my choices with my friend were ultimately about me and my own situation and your friend’s choices are about herself.

You don’t need to beat yourself up about her choices. You don’t deserve that.

Original poster

blublublub · 23/08/2022 16:23

@Rounddog thanks so much for explaining and I'm sorry for your situation. It sounds very hard.

Can I ask how you tried to do the boundaries thing with her ?

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euphigee · 23/08/2022 16:35

I think about it like this. I put my energy into friendships that work for me, and keep a couple on a sort of low maintenance friendship. One because her lifestyle increases my anxiety, and the other because we are very different and her idea of friendship is not the same as mine. I keep in touch 3/4 times a year because they are lovely people and wish them well and I value being in their lives, even if In a restricted way.
This may sound harsh and calculating but it's a way of maintaining a healthy balance between my mental health and their way of being. They are not at fault, we just aren't compatible at the moment, but that doesn't mean to say that in the future things might change.

Original poster

blublublub · 23/08/2022 16:48

euphigee · 23/08/2022 16:35

I think about it like this. I put my energy into friendships that work for me, and keep a couple on a sort of low maintenance friendship. One because her lifestyle increases my anxiety, and the other because we are very different and her idea of friendship is not the same as mine. I keep in touch 3/4 times a year because they are lovely people and wish them well and I value being in their lives, even if In a restricted way.
This may sound harsh and calculating but it's a way of maintaining a healthy balance between my mental health and their way of being. They are not at fault, we just aren't compatible at the moment, but that doesn't mean to say that in the future things might change.

I also have friends like that. Where it's occasional and it works for everyone. And it's really nice when we do hear from each other etc.

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Crossedtheropebridge · 23/08/2022 16:56

Blubblubblub that would be fine with me!!! It's the not replying to my texts for months and months that has been so hurtful. You know when someone wants to stay good friends with you and when they don't.

Onlyforcake · 23/08/2022 17:11

I know I've withdrawn from friendships because of my own issues, you touch on there being some, my mental health drives me to "if they cared theyd be in touch" so i withdrawn because maintaing the communication is exhausting, i havent been able to take the initiative. But then I've changed chow the relationship was balanced, so they've withdrawn. I've got one friend in particular that I've gone out of my way to support in the past but she's sent messages making me feel unsupportive since and of course is going through A LOT. That was all OK when I was OK, but my life has changed drastically and I'm aware of her posting her situation online, whilst I sympathise I can't provide help and I'm really struggling in my own life. But she's mad that she doesn't know what is going on with me, feeling I've neglected her, that I'm vague, not responding to questions about how i am (cant say fine its a lie, dont expext her to listen to my problems, she has her own). I allude to stuff but I'm not public about my problems or my mental health and her tone is always her problems need support that I'm not giving anymore. It's made mad before, now I'm just sad. I can't meet up and I know for a period of time she was mad at me for not being in touch etc. I had reasons, basically it's clear she is struggling and doesn't need to hear my problems.

Rounddog · 23/08/2022 17:12

blublublub · 23/08/2022 16:23

@Rounddog thanks so much for explaining and I'm sorry for your situation. It sounds very hard.

Can I ask how you tried to do the boundaries thing with her ?

Just general boundaries stuff about explaining the issues and how the things she was saying and doing made me feel and asking her not to do it. There were plenty of conversations.

TheLion · 23/08/2022 17:18

I'd try and let it go tbh, people like that aren't worth your effort. I've got a friend like that and she holds me at such arm's length when we do catch up, puts off catching up, makes excuses for not meeting up etc but then complains to mutual friends about how she wishes we were in touch more. It's weird and I don't give her any headspace anymore as it's not worth the effort and I just end up feeling confused and slightly rejected!

GiselleRose · 23/08/2022 17:19

It isn’t making you feel good so don’t do it. I appreciate she had stuff going on at the time but actually I think she sounds manipulative. Friendships should make you feel good. I’d drop this one, I don’t think it’s any kind of friendship at all. I wouldn’t give her the time of day. And I doubt that you did anything wrong in the first place. Rather that she wanted to make you feel that you had. I think it sound like manipulation.

Onlyforcake · 23/08/2022 17:19

Also. Is that you Harry?

Watfordwoman · 23/08/2022 17:29

This has happened to me - trying to stop feeling hurt by it - slowly getting there. Like you I didn’t know why I was the one she withdrew from, I thought we were very close. It did make me realise that towards the latter part of the friendship I was only contact if she needed something from me. I don’t make any effort anymore

notanothertakeaway · 23/08/2022 17:32

thecatsthecats · 23/08/2022 10:52

OK, it's not the same, but it's similar.

My closest friend from school didn't pick me as a bridesmaid. All of our friends and even her mum were pretty shocked by that, and the way she acted was very defensive/low key - she didn't tell me, another friend had to force it into the open. Privately, a few people spontaneously approached me and told me that they thought she'd treated me badly.

But I wasn't entitled to be her bridesmaid, one of her actual bridesmaids treated her badly, and I swallowed it down and things cooled a little.

But now we're back on track. I had a really tough time last year and she was the person who, more than anyone, got exactly what help I needed and gave it to me. Everyone else, even my husband, gave support that wasn't quite what I needed. I have another close friend who was well-meaningly AWFUL at supporting me. She managed to say the wrong thing absolutely every time bless her, with the best of intentions.

It reminded me of these words of advice I had during the bridesmaid situation:

"Her wedding is just one point on the continuum of your friendship. In ten years, it will be a dot on the horizon. There will be times when you are close, and others when you're less close, and the wedding is just a single point."

The point being - a person can't always be the same level of friend/lover/parent to you. Sometimes they have their own things going on, and sometimes they just aren't the right person for that moment. But the important ones will always come and go.

@thecatsthecats that's a really good point that friendships wax and wane over time

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/08/2022 17:58

PhatPaws · 23/08/2022 08:40

I think you need to have an open conversation with her about it. It seems like your desire to come accross unbothered by it is getting in the way of you sharing your feelings about it and potential repairing the damage. The friendship might not survive the talk but it definitely won't if you don't have the talk.

This. It's worth having a heart to heart about it. It may clear the air. You may not fully know her side of the story and it will be cathartic to get it out.

But it may be that this friendship has just petered out, for now.

It's not usually a popular opinion on here but I think friendships do sometimes drift away and its not always the end of the world. Sometimes its to do with people's situations etc. Trying to force something which isn't there won't help much, particularly if there is hidden resentment. I'm a big believer that sometimes doing nothing is the best bet in these situations.

MRex · 23/08/2022 18:06

reply with something like ' you're responsible for your own feelings '. She did say she was sorry a while ago (after being prompted by me saying I was sorry I couldn't be there for her, but didn't feel she wanted me to be)
Ok, that seems pretty clear when it's reversed. You disappeared when she needed help and she perceived you tried to gaslight it as her not wanting you to help. She did. She wanted your support and you weren't there. Are you sure you didn't realise that?

I don't think it's generally worth the drama if a friend has drifted away. I've had to distance from a group because it was just made too difficult for me, zero understanding of give and take; it was a little hurtful but ultimately I'm grateful to have seen the situation as it had crept on over the years. I still see a couple who actually did make effort and my life is better for not wasting effort with the others.

Crossedtheropebridge · 23/08/2022 18:07

Hi Thepeople yes I tend to agree for two reasons. Firstly, having a conversation seems like begging for a friendship that has gone cold and secondly you have to have faith that friendship will always be there for you and another more suitable one is on its way. That's what I believe anyway! Although it had been hard losing this recent one. Friends do come and go.

BoviTraci · 23/08/2022 18:13

I've had this with ex colleagues who I thought were friends . Just didn't want to really know when I left the company . Yet I went to parties drinks weddings and birthdays. It was a shock as we got on really well
I would just block and move on

Original poster

blublublub · 23/08/2022 18:38

MRex · 23/08/2022 18:06

reply with something like ' you're responsible for your own feelings '. She did say she was sorry a while ago (after being prompted by me saying I was sorry I couldn't be there for her, but didn't feel she wanted me to be)
Ok, that seems pretty clear when it's reversed. You disappeared when she needed help and she perceived you tried to gaslight it as her not wanting you to help. She did. She wanted your support and you weren't there. Are you sure you didn't realise that?

I don't think it's generally worth the drama if a friend has drifted away. I've had to distance from a group because it was just made too difficult for me, zero understanding of give and take; it was a little hurtful but ultimately I'm grateful to have seen the situation as it had crept on over the years. I still see a couple who actually did make effort and my life is better for not wasting effort with the others.

No no she genuinely did not want to talk to

OP posts:

Original poster

blublublub · 23/08/2022 18:44

Sorry pressed send. She did not want to talk to me. She made it super clear for ages. I am sorry I couldn't be there for her, I really wanted to be. I felt bad and still do to be honest. But she did not want to talk to me. It wasn't me not being bothered about being there for her.

In fact I sent her a really lovely message saying that I understand she doesn't want to talk but I'm always there for her. Something along those lines.

OP posts:

Londonderry34 · 23/08/2022 18:48

Some people distance themselves because they have pressing mental health issues.

Haysmiths · 24/08/2022 11:16

Blubblub - you have a choice:

Have a face to face conversation with her. Use that opportunity to tell her that you are worried about her and that you miss her and that you feel let down.

Best case: You find out there is something major she is dealing with that she hasn't discussed with you, her MH issues for example. Your friendship may change or may not even survive but at least you get closure as other posters have suggested.

Worst case: ends in an argument/drama (which I think you have alluded to). The friendship changes irrevocably and one or both of you are angry/annoyed/resentful
or
2) Let the friendship slide and don't bother communicating with her. This is hard to do especially if you were once close. This may happen anyway as a result of option 1 above.

Best case: If the friendship is strong, you'll come back to each other in time
Worst case: Proves that she is not bothered. You both lose a really good friendship potentially due to miscommunication and misunderstanding.
You've already told her that you'll always be there for her which is really supportive. Her loss if she wants to throw that away. I don't think it is anything you have done - and if it is - she should be able to tell you.
I'm a firm believer that friendships should make you feel loved and supported. There should be a degree of honesty too. Eg if someone feels let down, then they either try to understand and move past it, or have a conversation to try to resolve it.

OP you can't read nor get her to change her mind. The best thing you can do is try to try and change your reactions to her behaviour - but it is very difficult and naturally you are sad and upset by her behaviour given what you have had.

Crossedtheropebridge · 24/08/2022 20:39

It's so hard to know what to do for the best... blub how do you feel today about things? Any better?

Haysmiths · 25/08/2022 11:24

Onlyforcake · 23/08/2022 17:11

I know I've withdrawn from friendships because of my own issues, you touch on there being some, my mental health drives me to "if they cared theyd be in touch" so i withdrawn because maintaing the communication is exhausting, i havent been able to take the initiative. But then I've changed chow the relationship was balanced, so they've withdrawn. I've got one friend in particular that I've gone out of my way to support in the past but she's sent messages making me feel unsupportive since and of course is going through A LOT. That was all OK when I was OK, but my life has changed drastically and I'm aware of her posting her situation online, whilst I sympathise I can't provide help and I'm really struggling in my own life. But she's mad that she doesn't know what is going on with me, feeling I've neglected her, that I'm vague, not responding to questions about how i am (cant say fine its a lie, dont expext her to listen to my problems, she has her own). I allude to stuff but I'm not public about my problems or my mental health and her tone is always her problems need support that I'm not giving anymore. It's made mad before, now I'm just sad. I can't meet up and I know for a period of time she was mad at me for not being in touch etc. I had reasons, basically it's clear she is struggling and doesn't need to hear my problems.

Surely thinking "if they cared, they'd be in touch" is what friends should do?

In times when I have had huge personal challenges, I would much rather hear from a friend who said that sorry they are struggling with their own issues, and can't give the support they would like to, but will get back in touch rather than hearing absolutely nothing at all from them.