My daughter's step mum

[BonnieBobbet]

I don't know where to start with this and may well be being unreasonable but it's really hard for me to see my child upset and I'm after some advice about this.

Basically me and ex-p share one 9 year old DD. He now has a child with his wife too, a 3 year old.

My daughter loves her brother but she's really struggling with how things have changed so much with her stepmum and her family since he came along.

She used to be very invested in my daughter's life, they spent time together going places, she'd help out in the school holidays and things, and yes admittedly she's helped me out on a few occasions too. I've always been very grateful and it was never expected but she's offered in the past and we get on well enough.

Since her son was born is like she never really has time for DD. Never takes her anywhere anymore, doesn't help out ex-p making some logistics difficult.

Her family were really good with her too and she enjoyed their company. They weren't grandparents to her but she really liked them. Now it's the same, she feels they are only interested in her brother, she doesn't really understand why he can go for sleepovers and SMs mum and dad's house but she can't for example.

She no longer bothers buying her things to give him on father's Day or his birthday saying she could buy him something herself with her pocket money. She could of course and she then does but it's just another example of how things have just abruptly stopped for her since SM had her real baby iyswim.

Ex-p has never taken our DD abroad saying they prefer UK holidays anyway and I've never been bothered by this obviously as UK holidays are still great and it's not my business. DD has made comments in the past but I've told her not to be ungrateful. I take her away abroad every year anyway. Except now SM is off what seems like every 6 months on holidays with her son, one of which was Disneyland just before the school hols. They can afford all of this but never prioritise a family holiday including DD.

She's a SAHM and according to DD has just stopped doing anything like helping tidy her room or change or sheets and things leaving them to either her or her dad when he remembers all the while ensuring her son's room is spotless every day.

I know he's her dad and it's his responsibility not hers. But the change is just so obvious and hurtful to DD. She says her brother is all SM cares about now and I don't know what to say or do.

Do I say something or stay out of it? Obviously it's technically none of my business what her family do or where she goes or what she does with or for her child but it's affecting DD and she prefers staying with me now.

So this woman who invested so much and was such a great step mother, deserves no benefit of the doubt whatsoever, and instead we just take a 9 year olds story as gospel? We go with the narrative that she’s now suddenly cold and rude? It couldn’t at all be down to normal childhood jealousy of being the only child and then having the upset of a new baby being added to the mix and no longer being the single focus of attention?

Again, we have no evidence that the child's father has 'palmed her off' to the sm 🤷‍♀️

You are absolutely right that a woman (or man) can decide that they don't want to be a parent to someone else's child. And the other partner can accept that or end the relationship.

Now personally, I can't understand being someone going into a relationship with someone with a child and taking the perspective of not being an 'additional parent' (if I wasn't overstepping my bounds in the eyes on the actual parents). I also wouldn't have a relationship with someone if they didn't want to love and care for my dc as a team. As a family. But as I said, people have a right to make those choices.

BUT in this situation, the sm did not decide that and make it clear from the beginning. She appears to have taken on this role and only since having her own dc has she stopped. That is OBVIOUSLY hurtful to a child who has always known her to be loving and attentive.

Also just to be clear, I wouldn't want or expect be an additional parent from the get go because you obviously have no idea how the relationship is going to go initially. But I'd be going into that situation prepared and willing to be one down the line if and when the relationship became serious.

I mean, good for you. But that's not the set up a lot of people want. Equally many mother's absolutely do not want another woman parenting their child.

She was kind to YOUR dd
But she now has her OWN kid
Lets be realistic op. Your dd is not her kid. And now that she has her own, her feelings would have changed 180 degrees understandably

It also sounds that you dd needs to learn to do things for herself. She sounds like the stereotype for an only child ...

BUT in this situation, the sm did not decide that and make it clear from the beginning. She appears to have taken on this role and only since having her own dc has she stopped. That is OBVIOUSLY hurtful to a child who has always known her to be loving and attentive.

A) we don't actually know if she has "stopped" or if things are just different now and DSD perceives it they way.

B) People, including parents, do sometimes have to disappoint their children by changing dynamics later down the line. Take the parents divorcing in the first place. You can't always just carry on in a situation that isn't right just because the change will be upsetting to the DC.

@Catfordthefifth yes I know, I added that bit as a caveat to my post below just in case anyone jumped on my wording.

Like I said below, I know others don't feel the same as I do, but in this situation it isn't just about sms having every right to not be a parent, it's about the fact that she seemingly was and then stopped.

You're absolutely right. But ideally that change should be gradual, or at the very least discussed with the child so they understand the change and have had it explained in a loving and supportive way.

And yes we also don't know that this isn't just skewed in the eyes of the child, which is why op should discuss with the child's father. Just because the child's perspective might not be 'accurate', that doesn't mean her feelings on it should be ignored. Maybe if there was a discussion, her perspective would shift and she'd feel differently.

How utterly offensive to those of us who hang out on the SP board either seeking advice or offering a shoulder.

Palmed off = the assumption that being in a relationship with someone makes them responsible for your child. it does sound like the father is comparatively lazy however, and it’s very possible that the stepmother is no longer willing to pick up his slack. Choosing to do in the beginning does not mean that millstone has to remain around her neck.

I don’t understand why there’s an assumption that having a romantic relationship with a parent means you automatically have to take on a parenting one. It’s one thing being kind to a child when you’re around them, but quite another to be responsible for them.

The stepmother is not in the same position that she was previously. If the daughter needs to compensated for the change in dynamic now stepmother has her own child, then her actual father needs to step up.

OP, you sound like a lovely mum who wants the best for her dd. I veer between yabu and yanbu.

Where I think yabu:

• you say 'we are all guilty a bit of not encouraging chores enough'. I don't think it's fair to say this in relation to DSM. It's down to dd's parents to parent her
• you say it's off that DSM doesn't do after school care. Again, this is not DMS's responsibility

Where I feel sorry for DSD:

• it must be so hard to see affection lavished on her brother by his DGPs and feel left out. I don't think it's the responsibility of his DGPs to do the same for your dd but I can imagine how left out your dd must feel. I think her dad needs to step up and have more 1-2-1 with dd.
• the change from a doting DSM to a less available DSM must be hard. Again, why isn't her dad making up for this?

Actually, it doesn’t sound like the SM has significantly changed tbh. She was never a stay at home mother to her husband’s daughter, or provided after school childcare. I take it she never took the DD on a holiday either, just the two of them?

As for the making of beds and picking out Father’s Day presents, the daughter is 9. There’s a difference between what a 9 year old can do, and a 6 year old. The stepmother probably thinks the DD is perfectly capable of doing both by herself, or capable of requesting help if she needs it.

of course she’s going to treat her own son like he’s her own son. She has one child she’s responsible for, and that’s him!

I'm not a SM but this is uninformed, goady, inflammatory bollocks.

If anything makes you want to vomit, it must be your own bullshit.

It's all rot, isn't it? Then there are protestations that 'you never hear men splitting hairs over the division of their domestic and family labour; THEY don't care what other men do!'

Damn straight, they don't. And I wonder precisely why that might be?

This thread really highlights what a shit deal children get in so called ‘blended’ families and what they have to put up with to facilitate the selfish whims of the adults who produce them. If you marry a man with children, the interests of those children must be prioritised. They remain in your family and of equal status even when you go on to have more children. Division of labour within the household is between the two adults but it shouldn’t lead to a child being treated differently or feeling excluded.

There're 3 crowds here on MN in response to this: no obligation crowd (they talk about extremely crass things like being an unpaid childminder, making me want to vomit, these are the people who on the sm board, complain about the sc eating too much) and there's basic decency crowd (yeah, she's OK, I'll tolerate her but not my child, who really cares) , and there's being a real, loving family (accepting that this an innocent child and loving her). I'm hoping the last is the silent majority.

There's another position, too. That is one of complete sympathy with OP's predicament, a recognition that it's the child's feelings that come first, but a realistic conclusion that there's nothing to be gained by raising this. It it can only cause a large amount of angst that nobody in this situation, least of all the children, need. No one knows what ExP/SM's home set up his, or how much support she receives, and everyone knows what hard work newborns are. She might be resentful at having to pick up the bulk of the domestic labour, nor would I blame her for that.

Hopefully there will be some tactful way of suggesting ExDP picks up some of the slack for the benefit of his child. As her father, it's the least he can do, albeit with some fathers it can be a tall order.

Whether SM shares any of the blame for this or otherwise, there's nothing productive to be gained from raising this with her.

Did you mean, they should be prioritized by their own parents?

People always say this as if it’s an actual law that must be abided by. Nope. If you marry a woman that isn’t a mother to your children then you can’t expect her to act as if she is.

Blended families are inherently different to nuclear ones, and you can’t force them to act as if they’re same. It’s up to the actual parents to manage the children they are responsible for.

Like other posters, I really question the 50/50 here. The things your dd listed would mostly go over her head if she’d been EOW and one evening during the week before her brother was born as well as since.

I think it is a real displacement that she’s experiencing with sm and her sgps and it’s all so in her face. All the more so with the sgp being so local and such frequent visitors.

It doesn’t feel fair to me to call this only child syndrome, or the usual change with a younger sibling where the fear of displacement is overcome - by proximity and shared times and reassurance from their significant adults.

In her case the displacement is actually quite real and obvious to her. So painful.

The holidays thing could be a red herring, dd’s brother doesn’t live as part of op’s household, so it’s not a fair comparison.

Clearly she doesn’t have to go away with them every time, but
have they taken dd on any holidays with them in the uk since her brother was born?

I don’t think sm has an obligation as such, for things like the after school care. But otoh she’s pivotal for facilitating the sibling relationship just because she’s around more atm. One afternoon pick up during the school week, done happily and with brother in tow, and then some chill time at home would be more homely and inclusive than being with them for more time but feeling the way she does. I don’t think this is just about childcare. Whichever one is around more, sm or ex, is fostering that relationship. And these are the crucial years for that to happen.

Good luck op, glad you’re taking this seriously, even though it’s tricky

Hello OP, I think you’ve had some sensible answers. One thing you asked was about the SM collecting your child from school.

Even if it’s 10 minutes away, that’s a 30 minute round trip with a 3 year old plus hanging around in the playground time. This means that the SM can’t do afternoon classes/play dates/whole days out on those school collection days.

”picking a child up from school”
also involved managing any after school grumpiness/tiredness, homework, snacks, play dates, etc etc. I think 3-5pm is really hard work

Now the SM has a small child of her own she just won’t have as much time for your child and I agree with a pp who suggested going for coffee with her and chatting about it all.

The holiday abroad thing is a bit irritating (to me). I can afford to take my children abroad. I choose not to most years - we like holidaying in the UK while they’re small(ish). I could actually spend less on a week in Spain or somewhere than I do on a week in the UK anyway.

if the SM took her child away, that’s ok. I bet you might take your child away too and wouldn’t expect to take your child’s half sibling. Also, maybe someone has pointed this out, but while she can take her child away in term that will be massively cheaper than school holidays which might well be a financial game changer anyway!

it’s tough being a step parent. It sounds like she’s taken on too much really and can’t carry on now she has another child in the mix.

I think a friendly talk would be good. Maybe try to work out some shared expectations re tidying room/changing sheets etc so your child has a similar pattern at both houses.

I'm also wondering whether 50:50 is the right thing for your dd now she's getting older. I would speak to your ex and see if it might be better for her to go EOW and get him to organise family time with her. That way she wouldn't have to go to after school club, you might be better placed to get her involved in activities.

I think moving clothes, books and activities are difficult if a dc has two homes. There's not an easy answer but if I were the dsm I'd probably find that a good solution.

I also agree about 50:50 maybe not being the best thing for your child

Your dc didn't go on these holidays before. And your ex doesn't go on them either. Its just SM and her child. Why do you expect her now to be taken too, especially when your DCs dad doesn't go?

As for sleepovers. Again, your DC didn't get those before. So why should she now? Just because the biological grandchild does?

This is all just part of being a blended family. I'm sure you don't take your exs child on holiday with you and your dc? I'm sure your parents don't have your exs child for sleep overs? Its all the same thing. It's life.

Thank you for your highly constructive and intelligent comment. Which crowd do you feel most likely represents you? I wonder 🤔

I don't fit into any "crowd" because as anyone who actually used that board knows, you've made up offensive bollocks. I'm not the only one to point it out. Has your original comment been deleted yet?