My daughter's step mum

[BonnieBobbet]

I don't know where to start with this and may well be being unreasonable but it's really hard for me to see my child upset and I'm after some advice about this.

Basically me and ex-p share one 9 year old DD. He now has a child with his wife too, a 3 year old.

My daughter loves her brother but she's really struggling with how things have changed so much with her stepmum and her family since he came along.

She used to be very invested in my daughter's life, they spent time together going places, she'd help out in the school holidays and things, and yes admittedly she's helped me out on a few occasions too. I've always been very grateful and it was never expected but she's offered in the past and we get on well enough.

Since her son was born is like she never really has time for DD. Never takes her anywhere anymore, doesn't help out ex-p making some logistics difficult.

Her family were really good with her too and she enjoyed their company. They weren't grandparents to her but she really liked them. Now it's the same, she feels they are only interested in her brother, she doesn't really understand why he can go for sleepovers and SMs mum and dad's house but she can't for example.

She no longer bothers buying her things to give him on father's Day or his birthday saying she could buy him something herself with her pocket money. She could of course and she then does but it's just another example of how things have just abruptly stopped for her since SM had her real baby iyswim.

Ex-p has never taken our DD abroad saying they prefer UK holidays anyway and I've never been bothered by this obviously as UK holidays are still great and it's not my business. DD has made comments in the past but I've told her not to be ungrateful. I take her away abroad every year anyway. Except now SM is off what seems like every 6 months on holidays with her son, one of which was Disneyland just before the school hols. They can afford all of this but never prioritise a family holiday including DD.

She's a SAHM and according to DD has just stopped doing anything like helping tidy her room or change or sheets and things leaving them to either her or her dad when he remembers all the while ensuring her son's room is spotless every day.

I know he's her dad and it's his responsibility not hers. But the change is just so obvious and hurtful to DD. She says her brother is all SM cares about now and I don't know what to say or do.

Do I say something or stay out of it? Obviously it's technically none of my business what her family do or where she goes or what she does with or for her child but it's affecting DD and she prefers staying with me now.

I'm at work so can't reply properly yet but just to clarify I don't expect her SM to take her on holiday.

It was just the fact DD has never been abroad with them because they don't like abroad holidays or can't afford it but now she goes with her son a lot, DD has mentioned it and I thought it would have been nice for them to prioritise a family holiday together not for SM to take her by herself that wasn't want I meant.

Nor do I expect her to be invited to sleepovers, it was an example of something she's mentioned she finds hard, not an expectation on my part.

Yes OP that’s exactly it - these are things she’s feeling, and it’s easy to see why from her point of view. Relationships she had with her SM and SGPS changed significantly and she’s finding it really hard.

Have they taken her on any uk holidays or trips since her brother was born? With her dad their too?

If you marry someone who already has children then you need to embrace those children. I'm really surprised anyone would think otherwise tbh.

Of course you need to mention to her Dad. She is upset about it and he is her parent...you owe it to both her and him to discuss it with him.

It may be any number of things. Perhaps your daughter is naturally a bit threatened by a sibling, perhaps step mum is just a cow, perhaps she struggles with mental health post-baby and your ex isn't helping out at all etc etc. It needs addressing.

For what it's worth, your ex might be the biggest issue for not addressing it in the first place.

Lets be realistic op. Your dd is not her kid. And now that she has her own, her feelings would have changed 180 degrees understandably

No, her feelings would not have necessarily changed 180 degrees, insulting bollocks. Certainly didn’t for me and a few other SMs on here who’ve been in this exact position. I can’t imagine how detached and compartmentalised you’ve had to be to do a 180 degree on a young child who you were previously bonded with.

Embrace or parent? Let's be clear here. You can be a kind caring figure in a child's life without changing their bed sheets and doing school pick up.

Being a kind caring friendly trusted adult? Absolutely, that's what I always aimed for. A third parent? Nope.

That's insulting bollocks but you calling probably a million other step mother's detached and compartmentalized isn't?

That's funny.

I didn't say anything offensive, pointed out the three approaches from sms. Obligation, basic decency and loving aren't offensive categories, they just are categories. Yes the first one does make me sick. Anyway you're the one swearing every message rather than actually saying anything.

Yes you did. I think you did and so do other posters.

Swearing is allowed. Personal attacks, which is what you did, are not. Hth.

That's not a personal attack its a general observation meant for everyone to read. You're currently personally attacking me. So please be quiet.

I don't think you understand what it means if you think I'm attacking you for calling you out on your offensive posting.

I think as her mum you need to be managing your daughters expectations eg-

The grandparents - ‘well darling DSB is their grandchild so he will go to their house just like when you go over to grannies’

The bedroom - ‘well darling you are 9 now so maybe you should be tidying your room up, it’s hard work chasing after a toddler all day SM will have her hands full and you’re old enough to help out’

The holidays - ‘well darling you know daddy doesn’t like aeroplanes so he takes you to centre parcs, but SM likes to go abroad so she took DSB to Spain, can you remember when me and you went there, it was so fun’

However I would mention to your ex how DD is feeling and suggest a rediscussion of the 50/50. Don’t mention the after school club when SM is at home though as I do think you are unreasonable with that one, bordering of CFery actually.

WTF are you on about? My premise is that I don’t think it’s believable to do a 180, I don’t think many stepmothers would. They may act like they have but I don’t think feelings can change like that. And I suspect the SM here is still actually probably v fond of her SDC but is unknowingly or knowingly not showing it to the SDC as much for whatever reason.

Do calm down and try not to see attacks when they’re not there.

Ah right, so because you don't think it can happen, it can't happen. I see.

You're probably right, this has probably been massively dramatised I imagine. However I do think things change somewhat when you have your own child, especially if your husband is next to useless.

I said nothing about attacks. Just insulting bollocks.

J

You’re reading far too much into this. It was a hypothetical statement not thinking of anyone at all. I’m sure it can happen. Seriously doubt millions of stepmothers do a ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY DEGREE TURN AS OPPOSED TO SAY A FORTY DEGREE ONE. But if it does, yes I would judge that SM. I have lived experience of that situation.

Having your own child is different but it shouldn’t and doesn’t automatically make you go off your DSC or lose all interest in them.

If she's not being taken on family holidays that's because her dad hasn't made it happen - I wouldn't be pushing for family holidays with my DSS, it's up to him.

I've only just joined Mumsnet. Have previously been on Babycentre where the attitude (IMO) very much tends to be that you treat step kids like your own. I was just surprised it's so different here.

Maybe because Babycentre tends to be new mothers of very young babies.

From personal experience, many issues arise and become worse with time.

I always wonder how the children of stepmothers actually feel about the whole ‘treat them as your own, there’s no difference’ concept. Especially if there’s any existing ones.

”Sorry kid, I know you thought you were unique in both the love I have for you and in how special you are to me, being the fruit of my loins and whatnot, but I’m not with your dad anymore and my new boyfriend is a parent. Obviously I’m now going to feel exactly the same about you all, no difference whatsoever. It’s got to be this way you see, I can’t look shit on mumsnet”

Love any child like I love my children is unfathomable to me. And there is no way that that would not seep in to how I treat them ie burning building? I’d climb over an hypothetical SC to get to my child.

hence why I will never be a SM. For their sake, my sake and mainly - I don’t want to subject my children to sharing their home with another family

Just to add I'm not expecting her to love DD like her son.

So many mixed responses here ... but I do feel like there's slight hypocrisy on posts like this regarding step parent roles/duties... my oldest DD 13 is from a previous relationship, I've since moved on with new DP who has been in my oldest child's life since she was 3/4, and we've gone on to have 2 more DD's together. He 100% parents all 3 DC the same & I'd be furious if he wanted to take the 2 youngest away on holiday and not my oldest. My younger kids have sleepovers at their respective fathers parents without any issues or hurt feels although my youngest have also had sleepovers at my oldest child's fathers parents house on very rare occasion, my oldest child's grandparents are in their early 70's now & she's their only gc so they like to dote on my youngest too similarly to my oldest. My oldest has also spent time with my current DPs family and joined them on family days out & nanny/grand daughters dates, they have never excluded her. DP has never planned an activity/day out without included my oldest, in fact he purposefully plans these days for when she is with us and not her dad, I don't recall him ever planning an activity with just him and the two youngest alone, but I feel like this level of parenting is always expected from the mums new partner, and if a mum stood idly by and allowed her partner to exclude her child in preference for the kids he's biologically related to she would be slated even accused of causing or allowing her child significant emotional trauma.

So why then is it that step mums are allowed/expected or even encouraged to treat DSC differently to bio kids? Surely a step dad and a step mum share similar responsibilities/expectations to DSC? If you choose a partner that has 50:50 custody then you enter that relationship knowing you will play a significant role in your DSC lives.

I 100% agree your child is old enough and more than capable of cleaning her own room, but I do think SM should help with picking fathers day gifts as I'm sure she buys something from her son.. my DP buys me mother day gifts (and has done every year even before we had kids together) the understanding is that these gifts are from all the kids not just his bio kids and he brings all DC with him to pick them. He would absolutely never buy something from just his two and expect Dzd13 to sort out her present. To me that's just so petty and unnecessarily exclusionary, she's an adult she could prob buy her partner an expensive gift from DS while DD with only pocket money annot and will prob feel embarrassed by comparison.

Why do we expect men to step into a fatherly role when they enter a relationship with a woman with children but not step mums? Why is a mother and child a "package" with emphasis that her new partner should treat her kids as his own but a man with kids from a previous relationship is not seen the same way and a step mum can opt out of a relationship with his kids?

"My younger kids have sleepovers at their respective fathers parents without any issues or hurt feels"

Sorry this should read "all my kids have sleepovers at their respective fathers parents without any issues or hurt feelings"

This!!

Why do we expect men to step into a fatherly role when they enter a relationship with a woman with children but not step mums?

I don’t. Actually I think SF’s seem to generally be exempt from ‘wifework’ although perhaps not in your case.