My daughter's step mum

[BonnieBobbet]

I don't know where to start with this and may well be being unreasonable but it's really hard for me to see my child upset and I'm after some advice about this.

Basically me and ex-p share one 9 year old DD. He now has a child with his wife too, a 3 year old.

My daughter loves her brother but she's really struggling with how things have changed so much with her stepmum and her family since he came along.

She used to be very invested in my daughter's life, they spent time together going places, she'd help out in the school holidays and things, and yes admittedly she's helped me out on a few occasions too. I've always been very grateful and it was never expected but she's offered in the past and we get on well enough.

Since her son was born is like she never really has time for DD. Never takes her anywhere anymore, doesn't help out ex-p making some logistics difficult.

Her family were really good with her too and she enjoyed their company. They weren't grandparents to her but she really liked them. Now it's the same, she feels they are only interested in her brother, she doesn't really understand why he can go for sleepovers and SMs mum and dad's house but she can't for example.

She no longer bothers buying her things to give him on father's Day or his birthday saying she could buy him something herself with her pocket money. She could of course and she then does but it's just another example of how things have just abruptly stopped for her since SM had her real baby iyswim.

Ex-p has never taken our DD abroad saying they prefer UK holidays anyway and I've never been bothered by this obviously as UK holidays are still great and it's not my business. DD has made comments in the past but I've told her not to be ungrateful. I take her away abroad every year anyway. Except now SM is off what seems like every 6 months on holidays with her son, one of which was Disneyland just before the school hols. They can afford all of this but never prioritise a family holiday including DD.

She's a SAHM and according to DD has just stopped doing anything like helping tidy her room or change or sheets and things leaving them to either her or her dad when he remembers all the while ensuring her son's room is spotless every day.

I know he's her dad and it's his responsibility not hers. But the change is just so obvious and hurtful to DD. She says her brother is all SM cares about now and I don't know what to say or do.

Do I say something or stay out of it? Obviously it's technically none of my business what her family do or where she goes or what she does with or for her child but it's affecting DD and she prefers staying with me now.

Life doesn't stop... Then explains all the ways it does 🤣

Its not a warped view at all. I just don't agree with you - that is allowed.

Did you see my other question or?

@Catfordthefifth what? I'm so confused, do you think me saying we continue on doing normal life stuff when she's away as me proving life stops? ... maybe for you days out and trips away are normal life stuff? If so then that's great.. but for us it's not ... so yes life continues as normal and we plan any "extras" when we have her to make the most of it as we' wouldn't be well off enough to make up some of the more expensive trips to her or even have the time, me and DP both have busy schedules out of the house mon-fri 9-5:30/6 so we make our days off count for all the kids not just two of them ... oldest child's dad has flexible schedule and we don't have a set in stone arrangement/custody and he let's us take the lead so we can tell him if we have whatever planned on whatever day and he'll just have her on days we don't have any plans, that way she isn't missing out as all we'd really be doing is dinner /bath and bed if it's a weekday & maybe a trip to the park or beach (we live in a coastal town) with an ice cream movie night if it was a weekend but that's hardly unusually unless you are saying your able to do more on weekday evenings with your kids or plan days out every weekend? Again that's great if you can afford it but our weekends are typically pretty modest, and I know my oldest dad would be doing pretty much the same stuff we do so she isn't getting extra from him.... and I'm OK with my kids thinking we only do fun stuff all together 🤷‍♀️ maybe you do more fun stuff individually with your kids if you have the time etc. but we don't, our days out are typically a family event, but I do do some mummy daughter dates with girls usually we get our hair done or do a bit of shopping and go to Costa for hot cocoa or an ice drink,

I had to go back and find your other question sorry I wasn't tagged in it so I missed it, but off course I'd have no issue with a step mum, my oldest daughters dad hasn't stuck it out long enough with anyone to really give them the title but there was a girl he was dating for over a year that had spent some time with my DD from all accounts she seemed lovely, she had an art degree and my daughter dreams of being an artist and got some cool lessons to improve her drawing, she was also a big Terry Pratchett fan so she got my DDs approval but it didn't work out in the end... I'd love if he found someone, not just for my DD but for himself and I know myself well enough to not be threathen by someone caring for my child, if anything I'd feel relieved that my DD wouldn't feel like a 3rd wheel or unwanted in her dad's house. Nothing horrible can come from my daughter having more people in her life that love her.

I was in a similar position to your DD’s SM.

Before my own DC were born, I did similar things with my DSD.

Some PP on here have described it as ‘playing at parenting’, but that wasn’t the case. How I see it now, over a decade later is that my DP wanted to manoeuvre me into a pseudo-mummy role as a fuck you to his ex and also so that he didn’t have to do all the heavy lifting of parenting his DD. That should never have happened. He was setting expectations for his DD that I would never be able to meet.

When my first DC was born, I was overwhelmed with having an EBF baby attached to me every second of the day. I had to take a massive step back from DSD because I realised that if I didn’t, I was in the position of doing the lion’s share of the childcare for both children, while DP sat on his arse staring at his phone. (Also, during this time, his ex would ask if we could have DSD a lot more because she knew I was on mat leave and it suited her to use me as childcare, but I’m sure that’s not the case with you.)

So in order to make him step up and do his fair share, I had to stop doing as much for DSD.

No doubt it was noticed and commented on. But it was more than my mental health and well-being was worth to be a martyr to the step mum guilt. At the end of the day, DP is her parent and I am not.

Sounds like she was doing all the stuff you and your ex should be doing. Defo not down to a step parent to organise gifts for bdays and fathers day.

Or do childcare

BabyDreamers · Today 21:49
Sounds like she was doing all the stuff you and your ex should be doing. Defo not down to a step parent to organise gifts for bdays and fathers day.

OP already clarified this up thread:

She was ready and willing to do these gifts and only stopped because SM was doing it

Earlier on, pre her DS

She only stopped because the SM was doing it? Why? She’s the child’s mother! Why let the SM take over unless it actually suited her to do less for her own DD?

I’d have to scroll back. But I think OP said along the lines that it was always preempted by SM and in the end she stopped. But was absolutely happy to do that part of her role as mother

Not going to speculate what the situation is here but can affirm that a marked change in SM behaviour it’s not always due to being more busy after having own child, or dad not stepping up, though both are possible reasons.

I’ve seen such a marked change (happened in DH’s extended family) where it was more that the proactive pre bio children behaviour towards SD was a mix of playing happy families and showing what a good partner/mother she would make. But the end goal was her own unit (with the new partner co opted). Does happen

If there’s anything like that going on here then OP’s instincts are correct and she needs all the support she can muster to advocate for her daughter’s experience of home life in her other home

That's a big fat if, isn't it.

Maybe it is. But the way the OP was written doesn’t suggest a recent reaction by OP’S daughter. It’s based on 3 years of lived experience. A third of her life

When women who are not SMs have their first child, people are very understanding of all the changes in her life she has to accommodate. Massive bodily changes, lack of sleep, the constant demands of breast feeding etc.

When a woman who is an SM has their first child, I see on these boards an insistence that she is immediately up to speed with all of this - simply because she has had the partial care of a 6 yr old prior to that, what else does she need? I don't have my own, only the DSCs, and to me this attitude seems ludicrous, tragic even. Allow the SM to be a mother and learn at the same speed as other mothers do - why add in crazy extra demands when a woman is so vulnerable?

@SpaceshiptoMars absolutely agree

And? That doesn't suggest this has all been some bizarre game plan by the SM.

I don't think all of the complaints are quite reasonable, things like buying presents and tidying should change as she gets older, and is something you could talk about going at your house to demonstrate that's just growing up being a big girl.

She's upset though, and it is fair to tell them both that DD seems to be feeling a bit left out with her new brother around, jealous of SM's time (and her family's time) with DB and is doing lots of comparing about who gets what. Don't get into details because it can sound accusatory and like you agree, your job is just explaining her feelings. They sound like decent enough people, let them decide what to do with that information and how to go about fixing DD's upset.

Did the op even confirm whether she has a partner and any SC?

I have a partner who has children but they don't live with us (my partner and his DC).

SM met DD when she was around 3 (a pp asked).

your partner’s children - if you were to move in together, any thoughts re how you would step parent?

and your partner - what would you expect of him?

And was the change as soon as the SM’s child was born? Ie been going on for 3 years?

Probably going to be a little against the grain here, but I have less sympathy for the SM than anyone else seems to have. She was an adult who made an adult life decision to get together with a man who already had a child, with 50:50 custody, and if you do that then your family life is always going to be a complicated balancing act. It's the reason why I've always avoided it, even before having my own children.

Then after getting together with him she was doing pretty much all the parenting it seems, because her partner is lazy. Again, she then made an adult decision to have a child with this man, and also another decision to give up work to be a SAHM, so she should have been fully aware that she would be doing the majority of parenting again. And that includes the other child in her house for 50% of the week - so her first baby was never going to be an easy ride, nor a standard first baby situation, as she was always going to have to juggle parenting two at the same time, like all of us who already have a child living with us when we have babies.

So I think she's been quite crappy - it may not be her responsibility in law, but she instigated that type of relationship with a small child, she can't just dump that aside when she feels like it and not be a shithead. Anybody who does that to a little kid is a shithead.

That's not to absolve the dad for being a lazy shithead, he's definitely to blame for the majority of the situation as he should never have let it get to this point. And unfortunately a bad SM isn't really someone an ex partner can approach, so it's him who needs to deal with it, and unfortunately you'll have to be the one talking to him to try and get him to do it.

You should definitely take all your concerns to him though. Maybe phrase it so it's more on him than her, for example the cleaning of the room (which, come on, who the hell knows how to change bedsheets until they get shown, you don't just leave it and expect kids to magically just know) - say to him that you've realised you two need to be more proactive in teaching her how to do basic chores, and encouraging her by using some kind of positive reinforcement techniques. She does need to do it, but she needs help to get there, and he needs to step up at his home with her because SM has decided she won't.

And then keep pushing, every time you see something making your daughter unhappy - the SM may have new priorities in her life, but yours is your daughter, and she's only 9 years old, so you should absolutely feel fine to stick your oar in if they're being shitty with her and it's making her unhappy. If the dad isn't doing his job, and the SM isn't a good SM, then you should always speak up.

@GeekyThings you're making a lot of presumptions there about what being a step parent involves whilst self proclaiming to not actually have experience of that position.

Choosing to get together with someone with a child didn't mean any of that for me. It meant standing by while HE parents his other child. My first born was still my first born, and the time in which I was a SAHM meant looking after my child, not his other one as well. He was still responsible for sorting him out.

Brilliant post Geeky! Nailed what I’ve been thinking too

Brilliant post Geeky! Nailed what I’ve been thinking too

it’s spot on.