My daughter's step mum

[BonnieBobbet]

I don't know where to start with this and may well be being unreasonable but it's really hard for me to see my child upset and I'm after some advice about this.

Basically me and ex-p share one 9 year old DD. He now has a child with his wife too, a 3 year old.

My daughter loves her brother but she's really struggling with how things have changed so much with her stepmum and her family since he came along.

She used to be very invested in my daughter's life, they spent time together going places, she'd help out in the school holidays and things, and yes admittedly she's helped me out on a few occasions too. I've always been very grateful and it was never expected but she's offered in the past and we get on well enough.

Since her son was born is like she never really has time for DD. Never takes her anywhere anymore, doesn't help out ex-p making some logistics difficult.

Her family were really good with her too and she enjoyed their company. They weren't grandparents to her but she really liked them. Now it's the same, she feels they are only interested in her brother, she doesn't really understand why he can go for sleepovers and SMs mum and dad's house but she can't for example.

She no longer bothers buying her things to give him on father's Day or his birthday saying she could buy him something herself with her pocket money. She could of course and she then does but it's just another example of how things have just abruptly stopped for her since SM had her real baby iyswim.

Ex-p has never taken our DD abroad saying they prefer UK holidays anyway and I've never been bothered by this obviously as UK holidays are still great and it's not my business. DD has made comments in the past but I've told her not to be ungrateful. I take her away abroad every year anyway. Except now SM is off what seems like every 6 months on holidays with her son, one of which was Disneyland just before the school hols. They can afford all of this but never prioritise a family holiday including DD.

She's a SAHM and according to DD has just stopped doing anything like helping tidy her room or change or sheets and things leaving them to either her or her dad when he remembers all the while ensuring her son's room is spotless every day.

I know he's her dad and it's his responsibility not hers. But the change is just so obvious and hurtful to DD. She says her brother is all SM cares about now and I don't know what to say or do.

Do I say something or stay out of it? Obviously it's technically none of my business what her family do or where she goes or what she does with or for her child but it's affecting DD and she prefers staying with me now.

Skittle’s longer post, I meant

Sorry @Catfordthefifth not engaging with your personal attacks and offensive swearing any more, take your frustrations somewhere else, bye.

This is interesting from @Skittlesthough

So why then is it that step mums are allowed/expected or even encouraged to treat DSC differently to bio kids? Surely a step dad and a step mum share similar responsibilities/expectations to DSC?

I often wonder the same. If I remarried I'd absolutely expect my dh to love and cherish my dc as his own. It just won't work otherwise, if we want a real family. My kids are number one priority.

I don't either.

But pp is right.

What are step dad's actually expected to do in terms of parenting? Not changing beds etc I imagine.

Also I feel a bit sorry for the younger kids mentioned above who's dad never makes plans for them unless their older sibling is there. That's quite sad.

@Skittlesthough It's not hypocrisy. Many of us don't expect what you do of step fathers, it's generally the people that expect those things from step mothers who also expect it from step fathers.

I certainly don't think you have any right to be "furious" at him for EVER doing things with just his own kids. He should be able to do that. Choosing to get together with someone that is not your older child's other parent means accepting they will have a different relationship with your kid, to there own.

That said, it is more inevitable that the children all be lumped together in one group with less separation when they live with the step parent in question for most or all of the time, as is generally the case for step fathers living with a mother who is more commonly the resident parent. When the children are there half or less of the time, as is more often the case for step mothers, there is far more variance in the kind of family dynamic and relationships that might be in place. None of them are wrong just because they are not exactly like a nuclear family.

Her stepmum has a new priority and of course her own child will be the priority. She was probably trying to build a relationship with DD before and this worked well however now she’s caring for her own son your ex needs to fill the gaps.

I haven't made any personal attacks. If you think I have, report them.

I often wonder the same. If I remarried I'd absolutely expect my dh to love and cherish my dc as his own. It just won't work otherwise, if we want a real family. My kids are number one priority.

To you. They would have every right to not feel that way, and it's up to you whether you still want the relationship.

I would not have this expectation.

@lickenchugget .. tf is "wifework"? Lol we parent together.. we do "parentwork"... and if he ever treated my oldest as less than to his bio kids he'd be doing his share of that parent work for his bio kids on a 50:50 basis cause I would not sit back and allow my child to feel edged out or unequal to her siblings in her own home. Fortunately he would never exclude my oldest & they have a great relationship, they are "partners in crime" most of the time. My oldest has a great relationship with her bio dad also... all round our blended family has just increased the amount of people in her life that care for and love her... my kids often say they have 3 extended families-mine, my oldest child's DF's family and my current DP's family. And I think that's lovely.

Did the op clarify how long the SM had been in her life?

Or I hope even expect her to love her! How long has she been in your daughters life!

Op, do you have a partner? Any other children? Any SC?

I do wonder how many stepparents actually love their stepchildren like their own, as opposed to the parent thinking they do.

Male or female stepparent, my opinion is the same. Stepfathers aren’t any more responsible for their stepchildren than stepmothers are.

In a sense you'd be foolish to love them as your own. There's always a risk that you'll divorce and never ever see them again, isn't there?

Currently there’s only one side of the story being told by a 9 yo.

If you’re still on good terms with your Ex, OP, could you not speak to him about this?

@Conchersbonkers and if he had children… you’d love and cherish them like your own?

There is a world of difference between treating equally to your own and loving equally to your own (personally the gulf would be…. Enormous. Gargantuan)

Why sad?? My kids don't see themselves as only "half sisters" and younger middle child adores and looks up to big sister. why do you think that they would feel sad that their sister is included on fun days out? .... maybe it's a perspective thing but my immediate family is very close knit and all my DC have large age gaps (13, 7 & 8 week old) so oldest has always doted on the younger and middle dc has always looked up the the oldest, they genuinely love each other ... obvi the 8 week old is too young to have much of an opinion but my older kids adore her .... I feel the age gaps have prevented any rivalry between them as they are all at different stages ....is this really abnormal though? I have a lot of friends with blended families similar to mine that are the same .... so for example do you think if my dp planned a trip to Disney for just the youngest kids and left my oldest behind, I should just except this as reasonable? He wouldn't do this anyway cause he would never be so cruel but in your opinion this would be perfectly fine? And in this scenario does my oldest child's feelings count? Or should I sit her down and just explain that obviously she's not as important to my dp as her sisters 🤔 why on earth would she ever think that the man who has lived with us for 8 years, who was present for her first day of school, every Xmas morning, every birthday, attended every school play, been on holidays with, that played hours of hide and go seek and monoploy with her when she was little and video games as she got older, taught her to swim and bought her first bike would actually care about her as much as his own bio DD...

I don’t think stepparents should be expected to treat them as their own either (assuming that the child/ren would want them to, nevermind their actual other parent). That’s not to say they shouldn’t be treated kindly and welcomed.

funnkly enough a stepfather has recently posed on the step parenting board, and the mix of advice is the same as it would be for a stepmother.

I feel sad because your eldest is essentially favoured. Your younger kids will soon learn that nice things only happen when the eldest is there.

I'm not saying take them to Disney without her ( which I think you know) but you literally said you only ever make plans when she's there. That's not really fair on the other kids imo.

She has a dad, and it's great your husband treats her well, but stopping life eow or whatever for the other kids isn't great I don't personally think.

Obviously the way your family runs works for you and your husband. No one has said that stepparents shouldn’t treat children as their own, what’s been said is that they shouldn’t be expected to, and they’re not terrible people if they don’t.

For some parents it’s vital that a prospective stepparent would view their child in this way, but other parents don’t have that ideal. That’s presumably something that’s figured out at the ‘are we compatible?’ stage, and if there isn’t a sharing of views in this regard then the relationship doesn’t have to continue.

And to answer your question, yes I think it's perfectly fine to not treat a child like "your own". As I've said probably eleventy billion times on these boards, being a friendly trusted adult is absolutely fine.

I'm not saying exclude children or literally ignore them, but you don't HAVE to aim to be another mum or dad.

Out of interest how would you feel if another women essentially became a second mum to your children?

Prinnny hit the nail on the head its down to you to mange expections. Are you a step parent yourself? It's almost as if you expect her to be a third parent to your child. You have no insight to how disneyland came about and you take your on child away on holiday. You would have a point if yout ex was going but it's not the case here.

Shes not there to provide you childcare, for her family to be surrogate grandparents or for her to tidy up and clean after an 9 year old. Your can deflect at that age but you seem to be expecting she goes above and beyond for a child she hasn't had any part in making. By all means she can be a supportive role model but she doesn't need or should have to be another parent.

My DP comes from a blended family himself, he actually axclusively refers to his DSF as just his dad, his bio dad walked out when he was 7 .... actually his mum is also the product of a blended family, my DP only learned that his mum and aunt have separate fathers about 7 years ago when his mum casually mentioned it in her kitchen over tea and a chat he was shocked and I remember him saying to his mum he didn't know they were half sisters and she snapped at him that they "most certainly weren't half sisters.. just sisters and one wasn't treated different from the other" which I suppose must be true if dp didn't even know they had different dads.

Anyway DP and his DSF have a very close relationship and DSF has children from a previous marriage, his daughter was bridesmaid for DP's mum along with DPs sisters. They recently made their wills wherein all of their combined children are equal beneficiary's on both his DSF and DMs. His mum has a close relationship with her husbands bio kids. My children and DPs sisters kids all refer to their DSFs children as aunt/uncles and their children as cousins and vice versa even without being blood relation. His family gatherings are huge lol. Everyone gets on really well, my kids have always called DPs DSF grand dad and he is an absolute wonderful man that all the grand kids adore.

My DP has experience being a DSC, and his DSF was an amazing role model.

I agree that a child doesn’t ‘need’ 3 parents if their bio parents are fully engaged. But if 50:50 means a child properly lives in each as their home, then what happens when a half sibling is born has such a bearing on the older child.

This is a time when the older one cements relationships they have with other adults like the grandparents.

In the context of this particular 9 year old, who doesn’t have much contact with bio gps for various reasons, it appears to have gone in the other direction and yes, the step grandparents can’t be forced to treat her as they did before, but it’s just so sad and not surprising that she’s feeling it this very keenly. And if more siblings arrive? And she’s still 50:50, she’d absolutely notice if she still can’t go home after school but her db could (if sm still sahp).

I’ve seen many situations and combinations, including ones where the change in dynamic wouldn’t have such an impact but I really feel for the child in this specific situation.

Does she get much time with her dad - at their house and out and about?

@Catfordthefifth but life isn't "stopping" whatever that's meant to mean, you seem to have a warped view ... but DP doesn't change or cancel plans he has promised the youngest he just ensures he makes these plans for a day he knows we have the oldest... yes oldest sees her dad but my youngest live full time with theirs so it's not like my dp disappears when the oldest isn't around, he's here with his kids but big days out or trips away etc. Are done with the oldest. The oldest dad doesn't do big days out, he's pretty chill, and his budget is tight, he'll play video games or help oldest with her guitar lessons etc. And have a pizza nights etc. But my dp would do the same with the youngest when oldest is away I mean obviously life continues as normal ... I'd understand you if maybe my oldest child's dad was just one of those drop in once a while lavish her with extravagant gifts/days out types but he's just a normal dad who spends time with her in his place just doing normal dad stuff with her while dp does normal dad stuff with his kids too