I hit DH

[Bnxybee]

I slapped DH on the arm.

For context, my 3-year-old DS is a terrible sleeper. We usually put him to bed at around 8 or 9 but he’s often awake by midnight screaming hysterically and wanting to go downstairs. We’ve tried the “cry it out” method to no avail and we’re both sleep deprived.

I came back from work tonight and DS was
asleep. When I started to drift off around midnight, he woke up and started screaming. At this point, I was irrationally annoyed with DH who was gaming with his online mates. I’ve been up since just before 6 am but I stayed up with DS the night before last (I think. I’m actually getting my days mixed up). I asked DH to help me settle him and he seemed so pissed off I interrupted his precious game. DS was screaming that he wanted to go downstairs but DH wanted to let him cry it out. His crying became more and more hysterical whilst DH told me I’m the cause of his behaviour for giving into him at bed time. Truthfully, I just can’t let him cry it out, especially when he starts thrashing and hyperventilating like he’s going to be sick and sometimes even head butting (suspected ASD).

I swore at DH and told him to go to bed because I would stay up with DS. He didn’t move and without a thought I slapped his arm and told him to get out. He turned around and told me that if I ever hit him again he would break my fingers. I know I shouldn’t have slapped him but it honestly wasn’t hard at all. DH even said so but said there was malice there. Again, I know I’m making excuses for myself but he has (playfully) slapped my bum twice as hard when I’ve stood up next to him. Still, if he’d have done that to me tonight I’d be shocked and angry.

I'm just incredibly frustrated. He doesn’t really do anything with DS when he finishes work. It would be nice if he took him to the park for half hour or even kicked a ball around with him (he’s such a busy, active child). Yesterday, he shouted and swore at me in front of DS and my MIL who actually pulled him up on it and texted me
today to see if I was okay.

I want to create a sensory room for DS to see if it helps his sleep but DH isn’t interested so I have to pay for all of it. Despite being on less than half his salary.

I still hit him though.

You need to work on why you reacted with violence and how you can make sure you don't do this again. It isn't relevant if he was injured or not. Many men who abuse their partners will also try and claim it's because they were frustrated with how they were acting.

Honestly, I'm sorry for your circumstances and I think as you're both being physically abusive to each other, you may need to seek some professional support or look at what options are available as I don't think it's going to get better by itself, and I don't think it's fair on your child to be raised in such an environment. I think you probably know that too if you're writing comments here. I hope it works out for you both and your child.

This relationship sounds utterly toxic. You need to not be together.

Yes you shouldn't have hit him but he sounds really unkind. Does he actually offer anything in the relationship, do you love him?
Also, have you been to GP about DS sleep? Sleep can be very difficult in children with ASD

I'm so sorry for both you and your child. This must feel so hard to deal with.
I can say, as a sleep consultant that all the adrenaline and cortisol from his crying, will not be supporting his relaxing sleep hormones.
He is 3 so on some level, cognitively aware that his parents are ignoring his pleas for support.
My professional sleep advise would be to firstly eliminate the anxiety he feels over sleep.
You all need to be on the same page.
You dh needs to not block you from supporting your son just because it's night time. It would honestly be quicker to get him back to sleep with a cuddle. Equally him going to watch t.v in the middle of the night should not be an option.
I hope you figure it out soon

@PurpleDaisies I’m starting to realise this but I have no savings and the house is in his name. He also earns nearly triple what I earn and has no MH history (that’s logged anyway). He told me once that if I left him he’d fight me for full custody and they probably would favour him tbh because he comes across so well.

I earned the most when we got together and he moved out of his mum’s into my flat. Had a substantial amount of money saved too.

Women’s Aid can help. You can’t stay in a relationship where both you and your partner are physically violent towards each other, That’s an awful place for your child to grow up.

You need to leave

Your child and husband need to be safe

I agree.

He’s not allowed to watch tv but I did take him downstairs because he was so distressed. He said he was hungry so he ate some toast and is
now throwing cars around whilst laughing hysterically. Tried putting the cars “to bed” with him but it didn’t work.

We have recently moved to a much smaller house so I think DH’s gaming is potentially waking him. I think he needs a bigger bed too and some sensory items in his room.

I have ADHD and I distinctly remember my parents chasing me around the house to put me back to bed whilst I laughed like a maniac (think I was 6). Karma’s a bitch. 😂

He sounds like a total waste and useless parent and I’m surprised you haven’t cracked before now. Message your MIL back and say no, you’re not ok. Can you stay with her?

I don't know think this is a good situation to be in. This type of thing could easily escalate. It's not a safe environment for any of you right now. Some time apart might be wise while you get some sort of help. It's not ok for him to be shouting, swearing, threatening you and refusing to help with your DS. It doesn't sound like a good relationship but you can't physically assault him.

My eldest was like this. Would scream all the time, needed someone with him lying for bed.
He's been diagnosed with adhd & autism.
If you've got adhd there's a high chance so has he.
That means no amount of cry it out or blocking you getting to him will help.

I had ptsd from my eldest, birth trauma and then lack of sleep. I was triggered by his screams and it would send me into panic mode if my husband had stood in my way to stopping the noise and distress I probably would have reacted like you, just out of panic and stress. I needed to stop the noise at all costs.

Op I don't think you're abusive but you need support. Him harping on about a slapped arm and saying he'll break your fingers after he's stood in the way of you helping your child is just way too dramatic. He needs to look at what happened. Are you overwhelmed? Is your adhd well managed? Does your child need melatonin or something to help?
Him gaming and blowing up a situation isn't helpful

How long have you been together? Honestly if he doesn't help with his own child.

Can you have a conversation about going your seperate ways?

When you have a child that doesn't sleep and your partner is sat there not helping..... I can see how you lost your rag! Obviously long term though you need to decide where you go from here. Can MIL have your DS overnight for you?

Where did your savings go and why is your name not on the house? That said, I’d think it extremely unlikely he ask for full custody, given his parenting behaviour. Can you work more hours? Do you have family support?

What steps can you take towards leaving him? He sounds like a waste of space

I’m sorry but Mumsnet is just ridiculous for double standards at times. OP:

• Admits to being “irrationally” annoyed at finding her DH gaming
• The DH ends up on the DCs room, but OP then decides that she wants him to leave
• When the DH doesn’t move, OP lashes out physically and smacks him, not for the first time

Her behaviour is completely unacceptable and there are no “but” this or “but” that’s to justify it.

Like he is really going to want custody of a child who disturbs his gaming

Blocking you on at least two occasions to get to your distressed / sick child? That’s dreadful.
he sounds utterly disconnected from his son and what it means to actually parent

I thought this too.
so pathetic isn’t it

You need to break up

Completely agree @GiltEdges

Had this been her husband to her, there wouldn't be a single person making excuses and defending him.

Leaving your DH isn’t going to solve the problem of your using violence when you feel irrationally annoyed. There’s domestic abuse and reactive abuse going on, so you both need help. You for physical, & verbal abuse and your DH for verbal and emotional abuse. You both need parenting support because this whole disagreement on CIO should have been handled better. Instead of both of you having polar views and getting more and more entrenched, you should have sought advice from a GP or family and then resolved things between the two of you. If you can’t agree on something as simple as how to handle night terrors, this doesn’t bode well for when child discipline requires more thought, planning and patience. The track you are both on could see you both hitting and shouting at your DC.
So get help first, and then decide if you don’t want to be together.

I’d say there are two issues

• the problems with your child’s sleeping routine and you and DH not working together/communicating effectively at finding a solution.


• you physically attacking your husband.

the first of these did not “lead to” or excuse the second.

You need to split up if he gets 50/50 custody at least you can get some sleep

Can you tell I'm currently sleep deprived? It's fucking torture for a reason