I hit DH

[Bnxybee]

I slapped DH on the arm.

For context, my 3-year-old DS is a terrible sleeper. We usually put him to bed at around 8 or 9 but he’s often awake by midnight screaming hysterically and wanting to go downstairs. We’ve tried the “cry it out” method to no avail and we’re both sleep deprived.

I came back from work tonight and DS was
asleep. When I started to drift off around midnight, he woke up and started screaming. At this point, I was irrationally annoyed with DH who was gaming with his online mates. I’ve been up since just before 6 am but I stayed up with DS the night before last (I think. I’m actually getting my days mixed up). I asked DH to help me settle him and he seemed so pissed off I interrupted his precious game. DS was screaming that he wanted to go downstairs but DH wanted to let him cry it out. His crying became more and more hysterical whilst DH told me I’m the cause of his behaviour for giving into him at bed time. Truthfully, I just can’t let him cry it out, especially when he starts thrashing and hyperventilating like he’s going to be sick and sometimes even head butting (suspected ASD).

I swore at DH and told him to go to bed because I would stay up with DS. He didn’t move and without a thought I slapped his arm and told him to get out. He turned around and told me that if I ever hit him again he would break my fingers. I know I shouldn’t have slapped him but it honestly wasn’t hard at all. DH even said so but said there was malice there. Again, I know I’m making excuses for myself but he has (playfully) slapped my bum twice as hard when I’ve stood up next to him. Still, if he’d have done that to me tonight I’d be shocked and angry.

I'm just incredibly frustrated. He doesn’t really do anything with DS when he finishes work. It would be nice if he took him to the park for half hour or even kicked a ball around with him (he’s such a busy, active child). Yesterday, he shouted and swore at me in front of DS and my MIL who actually pulled him up on it and texted me
today to see if I was okay.

I want to create a sensory room for DS to see if it helps his sleep but DH isn’t interested so I have to pay for all of it. Despite being on less than half his salary.

I still hit him though.

When DD was a baby she was crying and DH blocked my way to get to her as he wanted to try CC. I felt a rage like never before and actually felt my hands go into claws. He instantly moved and said he had never seen an expression like that in my face. It was very very primal
I can understand why you might have reacted how you did if he was blocking you getting to your child but it was still wrong
However, there are a lot of things wrong in this relationship and you need to leave. I doubt he would want 50/50, it would interfere with his gaming

If my dh was physically blocking me from getting to where I need to be please tell me what I'm suppose to do? Wait him out until he allows me to move?

I'm not sure how anyone can read the post and decide he's vulnerable. He's not.

And if a woman is blocking her male partner from getting someone it's OK for him to use some kind of physical violence? No it isn't because there is never an excuse to instigate physical violence.

at no point did I mention the word "vulnerable" so please don't make things up.

YABU, and abusive. The excuses being trotted out by pp’s are appalling, there is no excuse.

I obviously inferred it from your post! It's not a massive leap.

If a woman is blocking a man and he needs to use force to get by I would say the same! Why are you assuming I wouldn't!?

It sounds as if your husband is verbally abusive to you and that you have very different ideas about parenting. He shouldn't be blaming you for your son's sleep problems and he should be a lot more supportive and prepared to work with you as a team to address the problem. In some situations I would agree with him that you need to let kids cry, but not this one; there's clearly more going on here than a tantrum over bedtime. It's also really bad that he's not even open to the idea of changing your son's bedroom a bit to see if that helps.

That said, you still absolutely shouldn't have slapped your husband on the arm. It's never OK and even if you did it gently, the point is that you did it in anger and that's not acceptable.

I think if you are in a relationship where you are swearing at each other, slapping each other (even gently on the arm) and threatening to break fingers in retaliation, you should not be together. That's dysfunctional and it's not good for you or your son.

OP, the slap is a completely separate issue from the rest of the problems with your husband. Yes, you shouldn't have slapped him, because nobody should slap anyone. But his threat to break your fingers just proves that he doesn't see you as any physical threat, but rather as needing to be put back in your place. He is so verbally abusive in front of his mother - how bad is he usually?

It was a tap on the arm FFS, when he was stopping her from getting to her child - why are you all focussing on that & not trying to HELP? As a PP said, it's PRIMAL.
It sounds extremely frustrating, OP, has DH always gamed or is he using that as a distraction / frustration release? It must be so hard for both of you but it did seem that him threatening to break your fingers was an over-reaction.. :-0

What was your marriage like before the problem with DS's sleep? I think you have a lot to think about & defo need help for DS.
Personally, I wouldn't let him get up, I would climb in with him & give him squeezes / stroke / tell stories, but that's how I handled my SN youngest, might not be right for yours. Hugs..

There is a lot to unpack here, OP, and honestly I would put hitting your DH down the priority list. Of course it is unacceptable. It should absolutely be addressed. Later.

The biggest problem in your life - and maybe his - right now is lack of sleep. It's impossible to tackle anything else while running on empty. And this is a deep, wide bastard of a problem. Tough to solve.

So if you can still work with dh, then you two need short, medium and long term strategies for getting enough sleep.

Short term - agreed times when one person is sleeping and the other is on-call. Same amount for each of you. Help called in if you can get it from friends or family. You are having a crisis and you need help.

Once you have both slept enough to function, you can start tackling ds' sleeping troubles. Because clearly ds is not doing okay if he's not sleeping well. Even if you and dh split up (possible, but again one to deal with later) you two will need an agreed plan for dealing with ds.

You will need to consult a health visitor and gp to find strategies/diagnoses. Tell them you are all struggling and desperate. It's okay to need help.

Start a thread about ds' sleep troubles, not about your marriage.

Do you need to leave dh? Maybe...things don't sound healthy. Do you have financial security problems to solve? Yes, very much so.

But first... you need to sleep.

Surely, you would use words to ask him to move. Reason with him. Maybe you would express you are really upset and this is important to you. But that should never translate to physical abuse

Had this been her husband to her, there wouldn't be a single person making excuses and defending him.

this is so tiresome. It’s just not the same thing. The point about abuse is not that there is violence full stop, but is this part of a pattern of control, or intimidation. Does OP sound to you like she is routinely battering her husband? This is basically reverse what-aboutery.

the fact is that in 99.99% of situations, husbands/boyfriends etc can physically dominate their wives/girlfriends in ways that simply aren’t possible in the reverse. The same physical lashing out from him means something very different than it does from her.

does anyone read her OP and think “oh my goodness, she’s been so dreadful and absuive?” Or so you read it and think “my goodness she’s pushed to her limit and snapped”. That doesn’t make it ok, but it also doesn’t make it abusive and it also doesn’t make the relationship toxic.

OP, when children don’t sleep it’s just the fucking worst. First, yes, it’s not good that you slapped his arm, but I’m sure he’s perfectly fine. It’s slightly more concerning that his reaction was to threaten serious harm, however no doubt he also is feeling a heightened stress reaction. You guys need to have a conversation about all that when you are both well rested. It is a very bad idea to have that conversation while you’re both stressed/tired. Everyone will say and do things they normally wouldn’t while under duress. That doesn’t mean that’s “who they really are”- it just means they’re human, and frail, and make mistakes.

it does also sound like your DH is slack and could do a lot more. If your son is ASD/ADHD, he will need more input simply because those kids just do (have 2 with ASD myself). I mean a sensory room sounds like gold standard but it’s probably not necessary. If he will only sleep with someone else, maybe get him a double bed so you or your DH can lie down with him in comfort and once he’s asleep he can be left.

the issues around threatening to fight for full custody etc- well your relationship sounds like it needs work. Only you can decide if that’s terminal or not.

YABU obviously.

Physical violence is never ok.

We tell women all of the time how violence escalates and if you were the one that was hit then posters would be telling you to call the police and LTB.

If a man ever hit me out of anger or frustration it would be over and I wouldn’t blame DH for leaving you or if he had hit you back.

What’s even more concerning is you are obviously stressed out and you did this because your son was crying, so if you snapped at your DH then what’s stopping you from snapping at your DS.

You need to nip this in the bud asap as your hit may not have hurt DH but it would hurt a 3 year old.
Don’t be afraid to reach out for more help.

The point about abuse is not that there is violence full stop, but is this part of a pattern of control, or intimidation. Does OP sound to you like she is routinely battering her husband?

Oh come on, the bar for DV isn’t “are you being routinely hit?”

this is so tiresome. It’s just not the same thing. The point about abuse is not that there is violence full stop, but is this part of a pattern of control, or intimidation. Does OP sound to you like she is routinely battering her husband? This is basically reverse what-aboutery.

Are you seriously saying that it’s ok for a man to hit a women as long as it’s not an ongoing thing or part of a pattern of abuse?

FFS raise your bar.

It’s never ok for a man to hit a women, even if it’s ‘just once’.
And it’s never ok for a women to hit a man or couples to hit each other in same sex relationships.

“But”…

There’s no but. Physically assaulting your partner is domestic abuse. There is no “but.”

The children can’t be left with a violent parent.

How do you reason with someone who does that? Do you wait for them to accepte your reasons for wanting to do something? Or do you sit there and accept you've been told to stay where you are?

We always hear about women pushed to violence every day because they are in abusive relationships. Physical and mental. He has been abusing her, but not many posters want to think too much about that.

This is the same excuse that men tried to use for decades, if not centuries, that they were harassed, nagged, and bullied and they just snapped.

It was wrong for them to use it to explain violence and it’s wrong for you to use it.

He wasn’t in fear, he wasn’t worried she might hurt him or worse. He was annoyed she was going against what he told her to do. He threatened to do her much more harm in retaliation, harm that she couldn’t ever to do to him. He was blocking access to their crying child.

If you are having trouble telling the difference between men using nagging as a reason and the years of violence and mental abuse of some women from their physically and mentally stronger partner/husband. Its time to educate yourself.

You are wrong to compare them.

They all say that. It's a script intended to control you.

This is the same excuse that men tried to use for decades, if not centuries, that they were harassed, nagged, and bullied and they just snapped.

It was wrong for them to use it to explain violence and it’s wrong for you to use it.

I completely agree.

No wonder so many women stay with violent men when apparently it’s fine to be hit if you’ve done something to deserve it.

This is why so many women stay in violent relationships because they’re made to believe it’s their fault.

What’s ironic is the amount of times have women come on here and said they’ve been hit, pushed or even had a pillow punched in front of them and not one poster accuses the OP of bringing it on herself.

OP, your husband sounds abusive. Threatening to break your fingers is scary. The fact that he's lazing around doing fuck all while you're exhausted and stressed to breaking point.

Honestly, I would leave him. Is there somewhere you could go, any family nearby? What's your housing situation?

And I don't think a slap on the arm is a 'violent attack'. No, it's not good, but it's completely understandable. And yes, pearl clutchers, you're right, I wouldn't say that if he was the one slapping her. Why not? Because he's a man. It's different.

Oh come on, the bar for DV isn’t “are you being routinely hit?”

no it obviously isn’t. Good thing that isn’t what I said. Fuck the level of general comprehension is poor. I’m saying that a one-off incidence of violence that does not fit within a wider pattern of coercion, intimidation and other attempts to undermine, isolate and control the partner are not quite the same thing as abuse are they?

please note- I’m not saying that it’s ok- it’s not a “well done OP you slapped your husband” - I’m just saying it’s not the same thing as abuse.

complaining that an incident like this in reverse would be immediately treated differently is reflective of the different context- that men are in the overwhelming majority of cases physically dominant, and that it doesn’t sound like OP is attempting to coerce, control or intimidate her husband, would make me say this is not abuse.

it’s almost like people are so frightened of the fact that men might not be able to be held accountable for violence, that the only possible means of dealing with it socially is to ascribe all violence the absolutely same category and thus a woman driven to distraction who slapped her husband once on the arm while exhausted is “abusive” the same as a man who manipulates, controls, terrifies, and oppressed his wife, and has only hit her, once, not even that hard, but which she has directly understood as a threat “do that again and you’ll be in real trouble”.

they’re not the same. No amount of stupidity and unwillingness to engage with the context is convincing that “all violence is abuse”.