I hit DH

[Bnxybee]

I slapped DH on the arm.

For context, my 3-year-old DS is a terrible sleeper. We usually put him to bed at around 8 or 9 but he’s often awake by midnight screaming hysterically and wanting to go downstairs. We’ve tried the “cry it out” method to no avail and we’re both sleep deprived.

I came back from work tonight and DS was
asleep. When I started to drift off around midnight, he woke up and started screaming. At this point, I was irrationally annoyed with DH who was gaming with his online mates. I’ve been up since just before 6 am but I stayed up with DS the night before last (I think. I’m actually getting my days mixed up). I asked DH to help me settle him and he seemed so pissed off I interrupted his precious game. DS was screaming that he wanted to go downstairs but DH wanted to let him cry it out. His crying became more and more hysterical whilst DH told me I’m the cause of his behaviour for giving into him at bed time. Truthfully, I just can’t let him cry it out, especially when he starts thrashing and hyperventilating like he’s going to be sick and sometimes even head butting (suspected ASD).

I swore at DH and told him to go to bed because I would stay up with DS. He didn’t move and without a thought I slapped his arm and told him to get out. He turned around and told me that if I ever hit him again he would break my fingers. I know I shouldn’t have slapped him but it honestly wasn’t hard at all. DH even said so but said there was malice there. Again, I know I’m making excuses for myself but he has (playfully) slapped my bum twice as hard when I’ve stood up next to him. Still, if he’d have done that to me tonight I’d be shocked and angry.

I'm just incredibly frustrated. He doesn’t really do anything with DS when he finishes work. It would be nice if he took him to the park for half hour or even kicked a ball around with him (he’s such a busy, active child). Yesterday, he shouted and swore at me in front of DS and my MIL who actually pulled him up on it and texted me
today to see if I was okay.

I want to create a sensory room for DS to see if it helps his sleep but DH isn’t interested so I have to pay for all of it. Despite being on less than half his salary.

I still hit him though.

This. No one should be using physical violence.

No it's not different. It's still not excusable for a woman to hit a man.

I would slap someone who was standing between me and my extremely distressed child. If you don't like the heat, get out of the kitchen.

You know this is not your finest hour OP but your faults are massively overshadowed by your husband's. I would think seriously about leaving if things don't improve with counselling. Which you both need individually and together.

And yes, pearl clutchers, you're right, I wouldn't say that if he was the one slapping her. Why not? Because he's a man. It's different

no, it's because you're a hypocrite.

I would slap someone who was standing between me and my extremely distressed child. If you don't like the heat, get out of the kitchen.

That's fine, and if they slapped you back, that's okay with you I guess. Don't like the heat, get out of the kitchen I suppose

It's not ideal but I think it's different from a man hitting a woman mainly because of the balance of power - at the end of the day he is much stronger and more powerful than her.

She slapped him on the arm but no one seems to notice that his idea of retaliation would have been to break her fingers. That's the difference. Hers is a slap leaving probably no mark, no fear (clearly from what he said) just a bit of surprise - and in return he would break her fingers. That's the difference.

OP it's wasn't the ideal way to deal with the situation and isn't going to move things forward in useful or positive way. This man doesn't sound like a good husband or good father and it sounds like you're at the end of your tether. There are huge cracks starting to show in this relationship and I think it's time to go your own way. This is no way to live.

My dd (22) has one of these, or a similar one, for when her pain levels are so high in the middle of the night she can't do anything to help. It's just something to watch instead of looking at a blank ceiling. It might be something that helps your ds go back off to sleep.
homeactyve.com/products/galaxy-projection-lamp?currency=GBP&variant=41436827713729&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=Google%20Shopping&gclid=Cj0KCQjw9ZGYBhCEARIsAEUXITXAxkb5gho8NnJidx8_KdPlw4O7h8yxX8GU9mTmiKYqqJWqoyLX0hAaAu67EALw_wcB
You both need to talk as resorting to violence is not the answer, whether it was a hard hit or not. Too many people have spoken on here about how their other half starred with a light tap and it just escalates. He needs to understand that playing whilst his child is so upset is not on, especially when you are the one doing the early starts and working. But you need to talk, agree an amicable way to deal with this, and then if you really are on different pages, you need to work out how to do this apart.

OP, your husband sounds abusive.
Threatening to break your fingers is scary.

This has got to be a joke surely!

How is threatening to assault someone abusive but actually physically assaulting someone not abusive?

When my partner hit me I told him to leave and that if he ever tried it again I would kill him - he was in the wrong not me.

Please don’t leave your child to cry anymore. No child should be left to cry it out, but a child with possible additional needs is even more vulnerable to being ignored. It will just make him more and more distressed and consequently you will be more stressed and things will quickly turn toxic. Please seek professional help for his sleep issues so that you can have better techniques to respond calmly. Please.

This is sad. But the really damaging thing with DV is often the mental intimidation and fear. This can have a longer lasting impact than bruising.

If the threat of broken fingers was genuinely credible, believed or caused intimidation, then this is also abusive. .... So I wouldn't underestimate the impact of a credible threat of violence. It depends on how the threat is received, if the threat is laughed at/scoffed at then it did not intimidate.... Perhaps your threat to kill your husband wasn't taken seriously? But if it was then it could be as bad as being hit

....OP was also in the wrong, both are wrong

Careful you don't get your post deleted.

I did when I pointed this out on another thread.

It's just sheer coincidence you see that men kill and seriously their partners on a daily basis while women rarely do.

It's completely irrevelabt that even similar sized males have vastly more upper body strength, and are usually more naturally aggressive from testosterone.

Totally irrelevant when women slap - when they're being mistreated, constrained etc.

Op your partner sounds like a shit partner and Dad.

Also notable he threatened you and kept you in your place with the old "I'll go for full custody and get it" line.

Do they ever?

Can't be arsed looking after or prioritising own child but going to go for full custody??

Go to women's aid or rights of women and get their advice on custody post split.

Also in general - women of the world - FFS stop having kids outside marriage when you have no assets, or no assets in your name!!!!!

He's a prick OP.

Your h is abusing you emotionally, coercively and financially. Household money should be shared. No wonder you snapped.

You need to seek advice from your HV about ds's sleep.

I'd also go to Women's Aid for advice about leaving your h.

Your relationship is toxic, and he's an absolute waste of space. Can you tell your family and his family what's going on? Sounds like they will be symapthetic. Can you move out with your ds?

OP, I don’t condone what you done. But I do understand your frustrated (please believe me; I’ve been there. Had a screaming argument with DP when sleep deprived with our DS age 3). I do feel as though I could offer some advice though.

My DS age 3, also has suspected ASD. Is your DS under paediatric care yet? If not - get a referral ASAP! My DS did not sleep through the night. Not for a long time. He’s now on slow release melatonin. It’s a small tablet I put in a yogurt 45 mins before bed, he falls asleep with little to no issue (not all the time, I often rock him to sleep). He now sleeps from around 8pm/9pm -7am every morning.

We are still in the assessment phase. Get your Gp to contact pediatrics asap, get the melatonin. I hated it at first. I cried, a lot. But I was on my knees with exhaustion. I really recommend it now. It’s what’s best for me, DP and DS. He eats better, sleeps better, even behaviour is somewhat improving because he’s not exhausted all the time.
I was at breaking point and I feel you are too. I really urge you to get a Gp appointment and express your exhaustion to the GP.

You know your relationship needs to end.

If he moved into your flat why is the house in his name? Did money from your flat go into it?

Are you legally married?

Don’t buy into the “I’ll get full custody” spiel. Most of them say that, but you’re the SAHP - do you really think he’d give up his gaming and social time royal be the main cater?

How is threatening to assault someone abusive but actually physically assaulting someone not abusive?

When you threaten to break fingers in response to a (non hurtful - as he reportedly admitted) slap on the arm.

My eldest has ADHD and bedtimes were a nightmare. We put a large stairgate across her room in the end, removed anything she could hurt herself on and we left her with audiobooks playing. She was rarely asleep before midnight, but this way she couldn't get into her siblings rooms and disturb everyone else. I learned to try and switch off in the end as getting stressed about her not sleeping just made it even harder. And we had a really strict rule of no screens/stimulation after tea time and no leaving her room. It can be a battle you'll never win if you engage in it.

And lose the gamer. What a pathetic excuse of a man to be sat playing games and neglecting his partner and child. Physical violence in any relationship is completely unacceptable and it's clearly not working for you. I can understand your frustration but you can't let this go on.

OP, I agree with others that you need to leave this relationship. He is not good for you or the children.

This.

When you threaten to break fingers in response to a (non hurtful - as he reportedly admitted) slap on the arm.

So I’m the abusive one and not my partner because he hit me and I threatened to kill him (which I 100% meant) if he did it again?

Have a look into night terrors, it can often leak at the age of 3.

Sorry *peak at the age of 3

Yes, you are also abusive, you both are. And I've you really meant that you would murder someone, you should seek help, this is not normal

I’m saying that a one-off incidence of violence that does not fit within a wider pattern of coercion, intimidation and other attempts to undermine, isolate and control the partner are not quite the same thing as abuse are they?

It doesn’t have to be a sustained campaign of many kinds of domestic abuse to be domestic abuse. And it’s not a one off is it? This wasnt the first time she’s hit him in anger.