People that over apologise

[gettingolderandgrumpier]

yes I know it’s the British way to apologise but some people apologise for everything even something that’s not for them to apologise for .
I’ve a colleague I’ll call her Sarah who must apologise 100 times a day . Conversation can go like this
Me -Sarah did you reply to that email ?
sarah - oh sorry I think I did , if I didn’t I’m sorry maybe I didn’t I probably didn’t I’m sorry !
or
another colleague- this is wrong on the system !
sarah - oh sorry is that me ?
colleague- no Sarah it’s not something you do why are you apologising ?.
Sarah- I don’t know sorry .it’s something I’d do get it wrong .
loads of other boring examples but any question I think she feels she has to apologise for when it’s simply a question and she puts herself down .
it’s constant some days , I believe it’s a sign of low self confidence and I’ve said many times no need to apologise and stop blaming yourself for something when it’s nothing to do with you .
if it’s low confidence can you help her be more confident or boost self confidence or is it really just a personality thing ? . She really is a lovely lady and I wish I could help her but I feel I’m making her nervous too if I bring it up .
it’s a dog eat dog world out there why apologise and accept responsibility for something that you haven’t done ? .

I feel like you could’ve written this about me!! I’ve got a lot more better at not over-apologising, but used to be a constant over-apologiser! I think it would be good to just have a quiet chat with your colleague, and just gently ask why she feels the need to over-apologise?

A good tip I learned was that often ‘sorry’ can be repalced by ‘thank you’ (doesn’t always work, of course, but it often does the trick!) Or for other situations, ‘sorry’ or another apology isn’t actually needed, but it’s often used as a ‘filler word’ as it’s become something to say out of habit.

I realised a few years ago that I’m a Sarah!! And I have to make a very conscious effort to not over apologise. Female socialisation and a v self depreciating mother has likely done me a disservice. It was only when DH pointed out that every time someone in public bangs into me I apologise, that I realised how bad I was

Sorry about that

I feel if I bring it up with her it will make her feel worse .

Hi Sarah

Some people have low self esteem and hate to feel that others think badly of them and so apologise accordingly.

I do this
It’s a nervous habit from always getting in trouble as a kid
its like an apology for existing in my case

sorry if thats annoying :)

I apologise like that. Or used to. Then I hit menopause...

Yes she cares what people think of her .

I think there's a difference between saying sorry when someone bumps into you guilty and over apologising in the workplace

It comes over as really insincere

I used to job share with an over apologiser and it drove me potty

We had a number of chats about it (which always resulted in her saying sorry -again) but it didn't change anything so our communication ended up shifting to email which reduced the number of apologies significantly

It is annoying at times but I feel bad for her it’s can’t be doing her self confidence any good

Same ha ha

I actually get even more nervous when people say I don’t need to apologise

I feel like they’re berating me or I am an annoying person so then I apologise. I try to avoid ever speaking to them again or limit any contact because I feel really judged and looked down on

But again it’s prob a me thing
but yeah the telling people not to apologise can just make them feel like wank. It does me. Like I’m some loser who doesn’t needs your permission to brave. It sucks.

Who needs your permission*

I apologise like this but that's because growing up if I knocked my dad's beer over (he sat on the floor so I kicked it by accident now and again) he would get so cross and I would say sorry, sorry, sorry over and over until I knew it was OK and there was no punishment to follow. My mum would also not accept apologies saying 'sorry isn't good enough' but I didn't know what else to do so again would have to say sorry until I received confirmation I was forgiven. Not saying this is everyone's experience but even now I stumble over myself to apologise and always feel like a prize prat afterwards as I know I over apologised or blame shifted onto myself. Don't know how you'd approach it with her to be honest. We don't learn 🤣 sorry!

I have a friend like this and recently worked briefly with someone like this. It is incredibly draining as you spend such a huge amount of time reassuring them "that's ok, it's hardly your fault" etc etc. Drives me mad. The best advice I had was to just ignore the apologies as much as you can. Part of the reason they do it is to get the feedback and reassurance and if you stop giving it they will stop saying sorry!

Oh yeah I apologise a lot!

It stems from growing up in a household where you didn’t know where the next broken glass flying past your face or the slap across your face would come from.

Sorry about that.

Just worry about yourself I guess? Saves you getting grumpier if you let it wash over you.

Absolutely this

Why does anyone need to talk to her about it?

If you're her supervisor and its a job where her personal authority is relevant or presentation is relevant then perhaps bring it up, but otherwise why would you?

No I wouldn’t it’s no relevant to her job but I’m reluctant in pointing out training issues because she apologies too much then I feel bad .
im thinking boosting her confidence may help ?

Another one who always says Sorry here! I have low self esteem, anxiety, depression and PTSD from a toxic childhood and abusive relationships.

I work with someone like this too . She was standing by the radiator a while ago and I asked her to turn it off , she apologised to me , how does that even make sense ! I know her quite well and she is a massive people pleaser probably due to a troubled childhood and rejected by her parents .

Hmm, I work with someone like this and I’m sorry (ha!) but it is bloody annoying. I actually just ignore it and almost talk over her when she’s doing it. I know it’s a rude thing to do but honestly it really gets on my nerves.
I actually find it disingenuous, in this specific person, and it comes across really fake. She also does this thing where she over thanks people in a very gushy over the top way. It makes me want to roll my eyes 🙄

But only you are in control of your own behaviour. Your reluctance is something that you need to deal with, but you sound like you're putting the onus on her behaviour to explain why you're not doing something

So there are things you need to talk to her about her work/learning new things and she has an annoying (to you) way of responding to information you give her

Then you need to manage that, just view it as a verbal tic, repetitive and somewhat nonsensical but just something she does. You're not responsible for it increasing or decreasing.

It's such an annoying personality trait! Drives me batty!