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Original poster

People that over apologise

104 replies

gettingolderandgrumpier · 22/08/2022 22:33

yes I know it’s the British way to apologise but some people apologise for everything even something that’s not for them to apologise for .
I’ve a colleague I’ll call her Sarah who must apologise 100 times a day . Conversation can go like this
Me -Sarah did you reply to that email ?
sarah - oh sorry I think I did , if I didn’t I’m sorry maybe I didn’t I probably didn’t I’m sorry !
or
another colleague- this is wrong on the system !
sarah - oh sorry is that me ?
colleague- no Sarah it’s not something you do why are you apologising ?.
Sarah- I don’t know sorry .it’s something I’d do get it wrong .
loads of other boring examples but any question I think she feels she has to apologise for when it’s simply a question and she puts herself down .
it’s constant some days , I believe it’s a sign of low self confidence and I’ve said many times no need to apologise and stop blaming yourself for something when it’s nothing to do with you .
if it’s low confidence can you help her be more confident or boost self confidence or is it really just a personality thing ? . She really is a lovely lady and I wish I could help her but I feel I’m making her nervous too if I bring it up .
it’s a dog eat dog world out there why apologise and accept responsibility for something that you haven’t done ? .

OP posts:
RoseMartha · 22/08/2022 23:11

I over apologise. I put it down to my exh being abusive and I used to apologise for stuff I didnt do and was not responsible for in order for the abuse to stop.

It is difficult to stop apologising all the time. It becomes ingrained in you. Automatic if you like.

Lilylizard · 22/08/2022 23:14

People like this irritate me so much. Stop being so wet!

djdkdkddkek · 22/08/2022 23:17

Lilylizard · 22/08/2022 23:14

People like this irritate me so much. Stop being so wet!

theres like, a number of responses saying that this a trauma response to abuse and your answer is “stop being so wet”? not even intending to be defensive myself because I get it’s irritating but fucking hell…

Lisa3344 · 22/08/2022 23:19

I am also like this. I am a chronic people pleaser and have low self esteem/anxiety from previous relationships and jobs where every small thing would cause me to get in a bollocking. It sounds like she is feeling very nervous and may relax as she becomes more familiar with the job.

SarahAndQuack · 22/08/2022 23:30

Heh, I have the right name for this thread! Grin I do over-apologise (my mum is very apologetic and I picked it up from her).

But something I do find really irritating the other way around, is when people won't accept that 'I'm so sorry' doesn't necessarily mean 'OMG I am awful and take full responsibility'. It can also be something you say to sympathise or express condolences. Eg., obviously, if someone dies you might say 'I'm so sorry'. But also, to me, saying 'I'm sorry' would be a natural response if someone were to say 'I'm having a terrible day and now my car's broken down'. I wouldn't mean I feel responsible, only that I'm sorry they're having a rough time.

Mossstitch · 22/08/2022 23:35

I even said sorry to a bee the other day when I accidentally poured water on it when watering the flowers🐝💐😳 it definitely stems from childhood but a very difficult habit to stop even when you know the reason 🤷

TheVanguardSix · 22/08/2022 23:49

Worse are the people who never apologise, ever... a rare breed, thank goodness. But they really are insufferable. It's such a statement to never apologise, even when they're clearly in the wrong or being utter dicks.
Give me an apologiser any day! At least they're not over-apologising just to be dicks. They're doing it because they actually do give a shit about others. Isn't that something?

TiredzzZZ · 23/08/2022 00:09

I could be Sarah.

I apologise all the time. It's born from a v abusive childhood where I was made to feel guilty for my existence. Wheneve I did anything 'wrong' (e.g. leave a coffee cup on the wrong place, not shut a door that was meant to be shut, or sometimes literally just breathe) I could find myself terrified of repercussions and having to apologise over and over. My mum was determined always for me to apologise even when I'd done nothing wrong. It was the only way to appease her. She made me feel a burden and need to apologise for just being in the world

That trauma has left me being Sarah. I'm sorry it annoys some people alot. It's not disingenuous. In my case I genuinely am sorry for whatever it is. Please stop being annoyed by me.

For people that feel sorry for me/Sarah/other - I'm so used to it I don't really want to be helped thanks! I'm very happy. I don't care anymore that I apologise alot. It's just part of me now and I do it so much it's kind of habit, like brushing my teeth or stopping at a red light. I just do it without thinking. I don't want to be helped. I don't have a confidence problem. I am just me. A me that was born from trauma but that is happy with who I am.

I'm sorry I annoy some people. But some people annoy me. We are all different

TiredzzZZ · 23/08/2022 00:11

Lilylizard · 22/08/2022 23:14

People like this irritate me so much. Stop being so wet!

And stop being so judgemental. I may annoy you by apologising, but you annoy me with your attitude. Which is rude and critical.

bloodywhitecat · 23/08/2022 00:16

I used to do it, it stems from an abusive childhood.

Newmumatlast · 23/08/2022 01:08

I apologise loads. Stems,I think, from lots of bullying meaning I felt i had to apologise for myself and then abusive relationship. Despite counselling and being in a very male dominated profession where I advocate for others I still apologise for myself in my private life.

RicherThanYew · 23/08/2022 01:17

Is it possible that Sarah has some issues in her past? Not to say that everyone who over apologises has some sort of trauma but in my case it is true and only years of reflection and therapy made a difference. For some people it is just filler words but for others, we really do think that we are the responsible for everything that is wrong. I'm not sorry for annoying anyone with this "personality trait" though.

Ihaveanoldiphone · 23/08/2022 01:19

I do this but I won’t apologise for it. It really is just my problem and I don’t need anyone to feel sorry for my low self esteem. Well done for being so self confident etc but I’m good thanks. I do my job well and treat my colleagues well and I seem to be well liked. Not interested in competing for promotions although I got it without trying. I think I’ve come a long way from the toxicity I’ve had to deal with growing up and even now, being told I should’ve been dead etc I’m worthless, other people’s daughters are better etc. i was the worst one etc. if this is a flaw of mine i can live with it.

Ihaveanoldiphone · 23/08/2022 01:23

I also say sorry out of habit a lot and don’t often mean it more like a soz rather than heartfelt but when I mean it it’s because I’ve made a mistake, I’m okay accepting I’ve made it.

Rodion · 23/08/2022 01:27

It is irritating (and I say that an over-apoligiser myself) but I don't think it can really be mentioned - it's just a trait of hers, not a work issue. Unless she actually starts taking the blame for things she hadn't done!

Maybe focus on being glad she isn't the opposite. Those people who refuse to apolgise for anything ever are the actual worst to be around as everything is always someone's else's fault.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 23/08/2022 01:56

Oooo…. I’ve coached over apologizers at work. And yes the first thing you get is an apology. Here’s how I do it.

“I’ve noticed something that I want to mention, you tend to apologize a lot and for things that aren’t your fault. (This is where I wait to for the inevitable apology). Look, we all screw up. We make mistakes, and we need to apologize for that. But when you apologize for things that aren’t your fault or for things that don’t need an apology. You are hurting your credibility. People will start to believe those things out of your control are actually your doing. It may seem like you are empathizing with a situation but you are actually claiming ownership of what has gone wrong. There are other ways to empathize when bad things happen. I’m telling you this because you are competent, bright, and doing a good job. “

Then generally make a small joke about giving them a “sorry jar” along the lines of a swear jar.

It’s generally young women who have this tic. And it does take reminding to get them out of the habit.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 23/08/2022 02:00

I should add I only do this in a professional development context with direct reports…

If it were a coworker I’d either mention something casually (why are you sorry, you didn’t do this) or leave them to it.

Aria999 · 23/08/2022 02:10

Sorry again I retract the retraction

Dita73 · 23/08/2022 02:37

I’m terrible for this. I do it all the time. I think it’s an anxiety thing. Can’t help it

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 23/08/2022 02:41

This drives me up the fucking wall. Someone I know - not in a work context - does this all the time and it’s all drama laden. If she texts and I don’t reply straightaway, it’s all oh sorry sorry, I must have disturbed you, oh sorry I must be so annoying, oh sorry please don’t be cross with me oh sorry.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 23/08/2022 02:42

(She also makes very insincere complements that are devalued by their being patently untrue)

TheSandwoman · 23/08/2022 04:42

Yep. Many people like this are people who've been througj significant trauma and abuse. It's almost like a "tick", it doesn't even require a response or reassurance. It's just a mannerism learned through a lifetime of walking on eggshells to avoid abuse and beatings as much as possible.

Sorry that you find it so annoying.

And no, if the above is the cause then a manager at work being reassuring or trying to "boost your confidence" wouldn't magically fix it, how arrogant. Perhaps just create a good work environment where "Sarah" feels valued and safe, and accept that people - even when in an employee role - have had previous lives that impact them and do not need you to "fix" them, just to help them to do their actual role. Whether you find their mannerisms irritating is not really relevant.

TheSandwoman · 23/08/2022 04:43

HopelesslyWanderingStar · 22/08/2022 22:58

Hmm, I work with someone like this and I’m sorry (ha!) but it is bloody annoying. I actually just ignore it and almost talk over her when she’s doing it. I know it’s a rude thing to do but honestly it really gets on my nerves.
I actually find it disingenuous, in this specific person, and it comes across really fake. She also does this thing where she over thanks people in a very gushy over the top way. It makes me want to roll my eyes 🙄

You sound sooooo lovely. 😒

TheSandwoman · 23/08/2022 04:44

thatisnotyours · 22/08/2022 23:03

It's such an annoying personality trait! Drives me batty!

🙄

How awful that people who are likely to have been abused so display some awkward mannerisms as a result annoy you. It must be so hard for you. 🎻

TheSandwoman · 23/08/2022 04:47

TiredzzZZ · 23/08/2022 00:09

I could be Sarah.

I apologise all the time. It's born from a v abusive childhood where I was made to feel guilty for my existence. Wheneve I did anything 'wrong' (e.g. leave a coffee cup on the wrong place, not shut a door that was meant to be shut, or sometimes literally just breathe) I could find myself terrified of repercussions and having to apologise over and over. My mum was determined always for me to apologise even when I'd done nothing wrong. It was the only way to appease her. She made me feel a burden and need to apologise for just being in the world

That trauma has left me being Sarah. I'm sorry it annoys some people alot. It's not disingenuous. In my case I genuinely am sorry for whatever it is. Please stop being annoyed by me.

For people that feel sorry for me/Sarah/other - I'm so used to it I don't really want to be helped thanks! I'm very happy. I don't care anymore that I apologise alot. It's just part of me now and I do it so much it's kind of habit, like brushing my teeth or stopping at a red light. I just do it without thinking. I don't want to be helped. I don't have a confidence problem. I am just me. A me that was born from trauma but that is happy with who I am.

I'm sorry I annoy some people. But some people annoy me. We are all different

Exactly.

Also, I am really sorry, that you went through that. I think some people habe no comprehension of it whatsoever.

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