People that over apologise

[gettingolderandgrumpier]

yes I know it’s the British way to apologise but some people apologise for everything even something that’s not for them to apologise for .
I’ve a colleague I’ll call her Sarah who must apologise 100 times a day . Conversation can go like this
Me -Sarah did you reply to that email ?
sarah - oh sorry I think I did , if I didn’t I’m sorry maybe I didn’t I probably didn’t I’m sorry !
or
another colleague- this is wrong on the system !
sarah - oh sorry is that me ?
colleague- no Sarah it’s not something you do why are you apologising ?.
Sarah- I don’t know sorry .it’s something I’d do get it wrong .
loads of other boring examples but any question I think she feels she has to apologise for when it’s simply a question and she puts herself down .
it’s constant some days , I believe it’s a sign of low self confidence and I’ve said many times no need to apologise and stop blaming yourself for something when it’s nothing to do with you .
if it’s low confidence can you help her be more confident or boost self confidence or is it really just a personality thing ? . She really is a lovely lady and I wish I could help her but I feel I’m making her nervous too if I bring it up .
it’s a dog eat dog world out there why apologise and accept responsibility for something that you haven’t done ? .

100%.

My DP is like this. I do find it irritating at times but in his case it's because he was constantly told off/in trouble for the slightest thing as a child. So now he always worries he's doing something wrong. So I try to be sympathetic.

Another Sarah checking in. It is exhausting feeling constantly wrong and panicked. I hate people thinking badly and always want to explain myself. Even a beep in a car sets me off

Mine too. Yet in other areas he appears to be confident and assertive.
His mum.is incredibly controlling and bossy and I'm sure this is where it comes from.
He also does things like let others go in front of him even if it's to our detriment. He once got off a holiday courtesy bus that we has waited ages for to let others on which meant I arrived at the beach way before him and had to stand in the heat with two little ones while he walked down 🙄i say to him. "It's nice to be nice bit it's ok to think of yourself sometimes"

I’m sorry, I over apologise too. Like too many other posters it stems from abuse. Sorry about that. to those who get it.

OP, what helped me was having bosses who believed in me and trusted me. Tell Sarah you think she’s great.

Uriah Heep. This even annoyed the Victorians.

I do this. I'm a huge people pleaser, with anxiety and the idea of letting people down or being reprimanded for not/having done something is terrifying. My DP gets annoyed and will ask why I'm apologising. Which usually gets an apology 😬I'm working on it.

I work with someone who over-apologises, just as you’ve described OP. The thing is, I have MH issues and I don’t have the headspace and energy for it. The same person explains at length about processes she’s working through, but they’re specific to her role and not mine, so they don’t make any sense! I try my best to be patient though, I believe colleague is looking for reassurance.

Navigating

To all the Sarah’s on the thread - today, the next time you are going to say sorry just hold it in for five seconds (unless you genuinely should apologise).

Give it a try, it can be empowering.

In emails instead of seating ‘sorry, I have not done this yet’ say ‘thanks for the reminder, I will get to it today/this week’.

Seating* should read saying! Sorry 😂😂

I'm the same too.
Sorry is an overused word , it's true , but I feel the need to use it.

I have six (female) staff. I have banned the word sorry in our office. They all started most phone calls with sorry.

If you apologise all the time eventually the recipient will assume you were in the wrong.

See I have a problem with people who don't apologise. Couple at work whose self confidence or delusion, I've not decided yet, comes across as embarrassingly conceited or just plain arrogant.. Lack of self awareness is an equal problem. I have no issue with someone who apologises.

I'm the same but then realised my child also over apologises and tried to reduce it. Also I've noticed if you apologise a lot people blame you more.

This is me, sorry!

Are you her manager or her senior? If so I think you can take her aside and ask her to work on not doing it. It’s not v professional.

I haven’t heard dog eat dog world in about 25 years, it’s a fab expression.

Excellent move!

We do apologise if we have personally done something wrong. But not for 'systems'.

None of our work is public facing. Which would make a difference

I know someone who apologises all the time. She is forever saying sorry when there is no need to.

I get why. She had an awful childhood and was then taken into care. It's definitely a sorry-for-existing thing and a genuine fear of upsetting people. It's a response to trauma.

This is like me. I'm getting better with age but have terrible low self esteem and imposter syndrome. My last job at Christmas we had a little game one Christmas "Person Most Likely To" mine was person most likely to say sorry. I was gutted and it really upset me.

I think there's lots of reasons why a person can be that way, maybe look at little things that can help improve their confidence. Additional tasks or responsibilities that can make them feel more valued.

I'm an anxious apologiser. It stems from being abused as a child.
I am told I'm disingenuous before now because I apologise so much. I'm really not, I just cannot help it.
I'm trying, Sarah probably tries to, but something fucked up may be the reason why. Please dont give her another complex.

What I dislike most is the use of sorry instead of excuse me, or if wanting to attract someone's attention, just saying hello.

Though I'm glad I don't have the kind of person the OP describes.

I go through periods of doing this (less in a work situation, more to my boyfriend). He hates it, and tries to get me to not do it. It massively correlates with anxiety and I do it far more during periods of stress / feeling down, plus can be quite a nervous and accommodating type. I'd ignore the apologising and encourage her when she does things well, build up confidence etc.

Senior but training her ,
I’m old school so yes still use old phrases but It’s true people with low confidence will not progress in the workplace . I hate seeing people overlooked because of how apologetic and unconfident they are because it’s happened to me I used to be like this .