People that over apologise

[gettingolderandgrumpier]

yes I know it’s the British way to apologise but some people apologise for everything even something that’s not for them to apologise for .
I’ve a colleague I’ll call her Sarah who must apologise 100 times a day . Conversation can go like this
Me -Sarah did you reply to that email ?
sarah - oh sorry I think I did , if I didn’t I’m sorry maybe I didn’t I probably didn’t I’m sorry !
or
another colleague- this is wrong on the system !
sarah - oh sorry is that me ?
colleague- no Sarah it’s not something you do why are you apologising ?.
Sarah- I don’t know sorry .it’s something I’d do get it wrong .
loads of other boring examples but any question I think she feels she has to apologise for when it’s simply a question and she puts herself down .
it’s constant some days , I believe it’s a sign of low self confidence and I’ve said many times no need to apologise and stop blaming yourself for something when it’s nothing to do with you .
if it’s low confidence can you help her be more confident or boost self confidence or is it really just a personality thing ? . She really is a lovely lady and I wish I could help her but I feel I’m making her nervous too if I bring it up .
it’s a dog eat dog world out there why apologise and accept responsibility for something that you haven’t done ? .

I'm prone to this - I grew up in a family where whatever happened, it was always my fault. (Also, being told I was "not sorry enough", whatever that meant).

I don't need my confidence boosted, thanks - I'm very confident. It's just a habit burnt into my brain from years of defusing situations.

I work best with people who can learn to disregard it. It's a disaster when I work with people who can't own up to their own mistakes, and are happy to shift the blame onto me - then I look like the most incompetent person for miles around. But that's a dysfunctional dynamic anyway.

I do this a bit. I have moved on to overthanking people now as I try to be a bit less apologetic for my existence. I wasnt abused but was treated with such irritability as a kid that I have a very strong core belief that me being present is always going to be a total pain and a burden so I try to mitigate that somehow.

Poor Sarah 😔
I am a bit like this. I don't think I can help it. It's habitual now, to apologise to anyone and anything, for no reason! I talk a lot too, in a way I know sometimes annoys people. I really try hard to stop. In my case, it's low self-esteem, a desire to be liked, and a desire to avoid conflict.
I was very badly bullied for part of my education, which I think may have partly triggered it?
Yes, I do sometimes think I'm being a bit insincere when I apologise for non-things. But it's a nervous habit. Sorry

I have a friend who does this. For them it’s a self esteem issue from a previous abusive relationship (quite covertly abusive) where they were made to feel like they were always wrong or inadequate. Could be more to it.

Another Sarah checking in.

Abusive childhood, bullied right throughout school including physically, domestic abuse relationship with a much older man at age 17 to 19. Have PTSD, low self esteem and anxiety.

I've lived on a knife edge for years and always apologise to diffuse things as I don't want any situation to escalate. I'm also a people pleaser and just want people to like me.

I would find this very irritating. I'd have to correct her and tell her but so, but I doubt that would work so I'd probably avoid her and only email if necessary like Bathroom suggested.

I used to be like this, but I’m older and grumpier more confident now.

A lovely colleague gently pointed it out to me years ago that I came across as apologising for existing. That helped me be more aware of this habitual “sorry-ing” and I began to break the habit.

I still apologise when I actually do something wrong of course! I apologise for forgetfulness. All reasonable.

I still apologise to strangers for existing 😆on occasion

Another sarah here. I am now much better at internalising the sorry. I suspect my mum has undiagnosed ocd or is nd (I am nd). Imagine spending your childhood not getting even the simplist of things right. I recently lived with her for a few months (in my 40's with a child) and she remade my bed, supervised me making tea and coffee. She would check I was showering in the way she likes to (plug in, 4 step drying the walls before you get out etc). I am naturally clumsy and the pressure makes it works. I then have had abusive relationships and an abusive boss. The current one is a gem.
I work really hard not to apologise unless it's genuinely my fault but sometimes it just slips out like a defence mechanism. It's not self confidence now, it's a life time of habit that is so hard to break.

I used to do this. It was because of my childhood. Acknowledging that this can be due to trauma, and also acknowledging that repeated or unnecessary apologies are irritating, are not mutually exclusive I don’t think. We can recognise that people have reasons for doing this, and that it’s not easy to stop, but also recognise that it isn’t ideal.

If someone repeatedly apologises it can feel like you are being asked to manage their feelings for them. It can also feel like you are walking on eggshells and can’t raise actual issues with them.

Things that helped me: therapy, and an assertiveness course. I now don’t apologise unless I need and want to, but it has taken a lot of work to get here. For me it was less about breaking a habit and more about needing to really believe some stuff I hadn’t believed before.

I have a colleagues who is a Sarah and I tend to just ignore it rather than telling her it’s ok or that she shouldn’t apologise. I’m kind and supportive to her, I just don’t engage with the unnecessary apologies at all.

My MiL does this. It drives me up the wall. I accidentally dropped a glass in the kitchen whilst she was in the other room, and she kept apologising. I said to her, deadpan, “why are you apologising, you weren’t even there?” Bit mean but dear lord it tries my patience. Can’t have a conversation with her without her apologising for 80 different things that aren’t even anything to do with her.

Be more patient with her op; it seems likely to come from some kind of trauma or difficult background. Maybe make a joke of it once you’re on friendly terms if you can

I used to be like that. Yes, childhood misery, blah blah. Ultimately though, it was nobody else's job to make me feel "valued and safe" at work, and nobody else's job to give me their emotional energy to reassure me an inordinate amount.

It is up to every Sarah to learn to take up their space in the world and remember they are no longer sad and powerless children.

It's bloody draining for everyone, otherwise.

Another over apologiser with an abusive childhood. My dad was awful
to my mum, I would apologise to keep the peace/ stop him going into a rage and watched her apologise for things that weren’t her fault. I also blame shift, I feel so uncomfortable when loved ones are in a bad mood and feel it must be my fault. Eg when my husband has a bad day I feel I have to fix it. I’m in my early 30s now and realising these faults and trying to change them.

I would have really rather no one acknowledged it before tho, I don’t want you to tip toe around my feelings

I do this - I am Autistic and it's because I don't instinctively know (always) when I should apologise or when someone is upset/annoyed with me, so I have a 'if in doubt, apologise' strategy. I am mortified if I find I have unintentionally been rude to someone; I would rather be seen as the person who is mildly irritating by apologising too much, than the inconsiderate person who never apologises when it is due.

I do it. My mother was deeply volatile and I had to walk on eggshells. Then I was in an abusive relationship with someone who used to set me up to fail in every single possible way and then berate me for everything I did 'wrong' (such as how I chopped garlic for example) and berate me for my very existence.

So it became entrenched to pre-emptively apologise just for breathing really.

Yes I think this is right she is very nervous, I hope she will relax a bit more .

This is my mother! She apologises for everything. I've said she would say sorry for living if someone asked.
Definitely low self esteem, I think due to her very over domineering mother. Even though my mum is now in her 80's she stills feels my grandmother on her shoulder.

That’s me (sorry)

I know I do it . Wish I didn’t.

People do tell me - kindly that I need not apologise…so I apologise again (it’s as annoying for me)

20 odd years of abuse does that to you.

Yes this it’s never oh sorry for bothering you , it’s sorry for bothering you I’m so sorry, sorry about that . It’s like 3 sorrys each time minimum . The over apologising doesn’t annoy me as much but it’s the assumption I’m annoyed or fear of upsetting me . I feel I’ve got to be extra nice and that’s hard work . So yes I take it on bored those that say it’s how they are and they don’t need fixing I don’t want to fix her she’s lovely as she is . I only suggested boosting confidence as feel it’s her self confidence.
the thing is I used to be a terrible over worrier / apologist/ worried what people thought of me when younger but as I got older I realised nobody gives a shit and I stopped being like this in time. I think it’s a age thing usually although this lady isn’t young .
I won’t make a issue out of it and I’m aware she can’t help it but hopefully she’ll just relax more as time goes on .

I'm like Sarah.

If I was to guess why it's probably because I spent so much of my life being put down, my dad was horrible, I was always the quieter one in groups of friends and a bit of an easy target, I was in an abusive relationship.

As a result I have low self esteem and tend to blame myself for things that are absolutely nothing to do with me.

I am trying not to do it.

I'm like Sarah. Very abusive childhood including DV against me by mother and father. Have to say sorry at all times to everyone growing up simply for being me.
I have tried to stop it but it's a lifetime habit so I will never completely stop. Now I just. To reduce it. Very low self esteem as a result of my childhood which again I'm working on.
Im sure it's annoying but so are other things like people who suffer from OCD that need things to be a certain ways, people with autism who can't eat certain foods. It's anxiety driven so I would suggest the person being annoyed works on their own ability to ignore it. You could also ask what she's sorry for every time. But anxiety doesn't go away with being told to do anything imo.

I think part of the problem is that it comes across as insincere- if you’re constantly apologising for things you can’t possibly actually feel sorry for, what do any of those apologies mean? It’s just a meaningless reflex.

I also think it can come across as trying to manage other people and preempt their reactions- it doesn’t allow others to express themselves because you’ve already got in there with a million sorries. I can see how this habit might develop during an abusive childhood, where you’re genuinely trying to prevent someone from abusing you. But it’s a problem if it carries on into the rest of life and stops other people ever being able to express a contrary opinion.

Also a sign of anxiety.
I really wouldn't be worrying about what you can do to change/help Sarah with this.
The best thing you can do for her is to just be kind and let it go over your head.
Everyone has annoying habits or traits, I think sometimes you just have to learn to live with them.

I say this as someone who is an empath, frequent over apologiser and who has been suffering with anxiety for the last 2 and a half years.

I have a friend like this.

Always apologising, puts herself out all the time for people who clearly don't give a shit and cares way touch what people think about her.

If you do anything for she always says she's sorry for you having to do it and it's OK of you dont. Asks about 10 times of you're sure its ok to do it.

Its really wearing.

However I know its a result of her awful parents so I bite my tongue and try not to say anything