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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it strange how people think they own a seat after they sat in it once?

136 replies

Anon778833 · 22/08/2022 21:26

Obviously I’m talking about seats in public places, not in homes etc.

I have literally seen people almost come to blows because someone else was sitting in ‘their’ seat.

A lot of people seem to feel if they sat somewhere once, they own the seat. I think it’s childish and not reasonable at all!

But the blow ups I’ve seen happen make me think there must be something primal behind it.

OP posts:
FallOutPloy · 23/08/2022 06:56

Well had they vacated the chair area?

Sparklingbrook · 23/08/2022 07:02

No I don't get this either but it is effective and they almost always get what they want

People should stand their ground more.

carefullycourageous · 23/08/2022 07:06

Sparklingbrook · 23/08/2022 07:02

No I don't get this either but it is effective and they almost always get what they want

People should stand their ground more.

Oh I am just not able to if it doesn't matter to me! If it was a CF doing something to/near my home I would, but I think these people do well because most of us just don't care about a train seat enough to engage.

I like to think they win the battle (train seat) but lose the war (life) Grin

BiFoldIsT · 23/08/2022 07:13

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 22/08/2022 21:42

Some of them might have a reasonable adjustment to use the same desk.

Show quote history

I have a reasonable adjustment for this. I cannot cope with hot desking at all.

SilverOverEverything · 23/08/2022 07:14

Used to experience this during Primary school plays, assembly’s or any time parents needed to sit in the hall. There were a group of Mums who always arrived (or camped out) early, so that they could blag the bench at the front, this happened every time! I used to saunter in with minutes to spare and always sat at the back.

RhiWrites · 23/08/2022 07:23

Have we had gyms yet? We absolutely have our usual places in class and if a stranger takes one the others look sympathetically at the regular and ask if they’re going to be okay where they are.

Greenandcabbagelooking · 23/08/2022 07:27

It happens in dance classes too. We have semi- regular spots, mostly going from experienced people at the front, to newbies at the back. Most people have a preferred side of the room. I did exams with the same three people for years. We had our set spaces in the line, until an examiner decided she liked us in alphabetical order. I went from being on the far right to first on the left. Hated it.

Sparklingbrook · 23/08/2022 07:28

SilverOverEverything · 23/08/2022 07:14

Used to experience this during Primary school plays, assembly’s or any time parents needed to sit in the hall. There were a group of Mums who always arrived (or camped out) early, so that they could blag the bench at the front, this happened every time! I used to saunter in with minutes to spare and always sat at the back.

I remember this well. All I can say is join the PTA and volunteer to do the refreshments at the end=instant front row seats before they even let the others in. I did not do this though!

Yerroblemom1923 · 23/08/2022 07:36

How does "hot desking" work? Do you have to get in extra early to get the "best" desk? Is it like musical chairs and if you're too late you miss out on sitting down to do your work?! Genuinely perplexed.

SudocremOnEverything · 23/08/2022 07:36

BashfulClam · 23/08/2022 01:03

We hot desk. I booked a desk next to my team and sat there. Well you’d have thought I’d committed a crime. The guy who likes that desk sat next to me and moaned that I had ‘his desk’, his phone was logged in, I pushed the phone closer to him but it was ‘the wrong side’. He even mentioned in a phone call ‘well I’m not at my normal desk so bear with me..’ every desk is the same because we are hot desking!

Apparently the choice of desk on our floor of a hot-desking office is fraught with this. I never book one because I can’t be bothered navigating the unwritten rules of desk ownership and use a totally different area that is shared by several different functions instead.

I think it’s fine to have your own spots in your own house generally. It’s actually your furniture. Allocated seats at the table prevents children squabbling too. So long as you’re more flexible with guests (to be hospitable). I can’t imagine telling a friend off because they sat in my spot on the couch.

SudocremOnEverything · 23/08/2022 07:38

Yerroblemom1923 · 23/08/2022 07:36

How does "hot desking" work? Do you have to get in extra early to get the "best" desk? Is it like musical chairs and if you're too late you miss out on sitting down to do your work?! Genuinely perplexed.

It can be first come first served. Or there can be booking systems so you bag a desk online.

Hippywannabe · 23/08/2022 07:43

I am guilty of this, I work in a school and we tend to sit in the same seats at lunch. Our former chairs around the walls system where we could all see each other and talk was replaced by round tables and chairs (not actually enough if we all wanted to be in at the same time).
I hate it! Some people end up with their backs to others and then end up shuffling and squeezing around to avoid it. People now sit in small groups which doesn't encourage communication and 'offloading'.
I get really panicky if a 'new' person is in 'my' seat to the point where I went home for lunch when we had visitors in who were sat at 'our' table. I do think I am on the ASD spectrum. As I am old now, I just own my peculiarity and have publicly claimed my seat to the amusement of the younger ones.

Sparklingbrook · 23/08/2022 07:43

Our hot desk system means first come first served and if all the workstations are taken you come back later. But they are all identical so there's no favourite ones, or ones any better than others.
I really like it because I hate sitting at other people's desks with all their gonks and post its/pictures of their dog on etc. Nice and clutter free.

wellobviouslyyoucan · 23/08/2022 07:45

Sparklingbrook · 22/08/2022 21:35

I accidentally stood in someone's spot at the packing shelf at Lidl once. He complained very loudly to his wife. The rest of the packing shelf was completely free.

Also in M&S cafe a man hovered very close to my table for ages, putting me off my coffee. Eventually he asked if I was nearly finished as he always sat at that table. There were about 5 people in total in the cafe. Confused

Years ago my teenage brother complained to my mum that I was sitting in "his" chair. He said he always sits in that one. Her response was "well then it's your sister's turn".

That's what I'd be saying to this man in M&S.

Glitteratitar · 23/08/2022 07:49

I used to get the tube to work, and as I would get on at the very first stop, carriage would be empty so I always sat in the same seat - very front in a corner.

At the next stop a woman would get on and every single time I saw her, she was extremely passive aggressive. Giving me dirty looks, sitting right next to me in an empty carriage and man spreading as wide as possible, if I had a bag on the floor, slowly kicking it away from her, or sitting two seats away and placing her bag on top of mine on the seat. This was the second stop on the line, the carriage was almost empty… she had plenty of space to spread out anywhere else.

Once I asked her what her problem was and she said I’m imagining it, but carried on. Took me a very long time to realise I must be sitting in her favourite seat. So I simply responded - whenever she kicked my bag away I would kick it back a few minutes later and deliberately encroach on her space on the floor, pick up my bag from under hers and place it semi on top of hers, sit with my legs firmly on the floor when she was man spreading, etc. She was a nut case.

I’ve since moved but I remember she had a lanyard with the NHS on it, and I sometimes think about her and hope she was ok during the pandemic.

Windypants21 · 23/08/2022 07:49

My 90 + mum used to tell me about the territorial behaviour of the other oldies on her mini bus for 'their'' seat which caused a few to 'have words' on journeys. She loved all the drama , never got involved, couldnt understand it, but it brightened up a dull day for her. Sadly she isnt as able anymore to use the bus but still talks about some of the shenanigans. 😆

Hellosunshine1993 · 23/08/2022 07:50

This is the reason why I don’t attend/hate gym classes.

always made to feel so uncomfortable by the regulars who claim their own spaces.

Pushmepullu · 23/08/2022 07:53

I asked someone to move once at a pilates class because she was in my space. The space is at the front right, because I have hearing problems, and just next to the wall because of poor balance. I could see she was a bit peeved until she realised how bad my balance was and that I was likely to have knocked her over as I headed for the wall!

StepAwayFromGoogling · 23/08/2022 07:57

Pushmepullu · 23/08/2022 07:53

I asked someone to move once at a pilates class because she was in my space. The space is at the front right, because I have hearing problems, and just next to the wall because of poor balance. I could see she was a bit peeved until she realised how bad my balance was and that I was likely to have knocked her over as I headed for the wall!

Then you're an idiot. Why didn't you ask her to move because you had hearing and balance issues and that was the best position to help with them, rather than because she was in your space? You just sound like a twat.

BiFoldIsT · 23/08/2022 07:58

I have been known to turn around and leave somewhere if there is someone else sitting in a seat I’ve become accustomed to and/or there are no suitable alternatives. Lots of people have very limited understanding just how difficult it can be as an autistic person in this world. My brain works differently so seemingly mundane, silly, weird things to you are the difference between having a somewhat less stressful day to having a day filled with stress and anxiety.
I would never actually say anything to someone as I’ve learned that is not the ‘done thing’ but it really throws my day off. Comments like ‘what a weirdo’, ‘they must not have anything going on in their life’ etc are just a bit ignorant really.

Sparklingbrook · 23/08/2022 07:59

I think in the situations where you need to be in a certain spot because of hearing problems you would mention it to the instructor who would sort this for you?

Windypants21 · 23/08/2022 08:03

I usually like to use the same loo, eg at work theres a choice of 4 ladies loos, somehow I feel I'm limiting the amount of germs I'm exposed to. I'll still go into the other ones if needs be, a girls gotta go if a girls gotta go, but if given the choice I try to go to the same one. 😃

orbitalcrisis · 23/08/2022 08:05

I suppose the thing to do (if it's a movable seat) is to stand up, hand them the chair, then move the next one along to where it was and sit back down.

midsomermurderess · 23/08/2022 08:25

Yes, people are territorial. For us as a species, it’s the chimp in us.

RainbowToes · 23/08/2022 08:26

I was at the beach recently with some friends, we'd put all our stuff on a bench and were having lunch with the kids. Random lady appeared and sat on our stuff and started putting her grandson's beach shoes on claiming we should not be using the bench. There was another bench about 3m away. Bonkers.