To be shocked at how many of today's children behave?

[PlutoCritter]

Let me start by saying i'm in my early 30s and I definitely don't come from a "children are seen and not heard"/military-family type background where children weren't allowed to speak. my parents were quite laid back in some ways. however:

we've had our first child and this year i've started to make my first mum friends. (no dads, it's very traditional around here, all either SAHMs or part-time working mums as the primary carer, in a new fairly middle class area which we've only been living in for the last year or so, so don't have strong social networks yet.)

I've only really started to host "play dates" in the last few months and very often the baby's parents bring older DC along,which I thought was great!

So it's 2x babies plus (say) a 4 year old and a 5 year old. or a couple of 3 year olds plus a 7 year old. most recently, a 5 and a 6 year old with 2 babies visited.

and JESUS CHRIST, the average bahaviour is feral!

Most have been jumping on the sofa (to the point I thought it was going to break springs and had to tell them to calm it down myself eventually), one child going into our bedroom and looking through the wardrobe (!!) when going to the bathroom, one was repeatedly sneaking into the kitchen where i was making lunch and stealing stuff from the fridge 10 minutes before i was due to serve it, lunch just smashed up into a ball of mess and not eaten by older kids (5-7 years) regularly. Getting up halfway through a meal to run off and play with toys at age 8. Constant whining for snacks and sugar drinks. One refused to drink anything at all during a 2hr visit because we only had milk or water (i literally had no juice in the house to offer). Stealing food from other people's plates. Constantly interrupting adults having a chat - not while being ignored, just as the normal way of communicating. Ramming metal car toys into the wall so the wallpaper is scratched and the plaster has dents in it in the living room.

A few days ago, one little "darling" decided it would be funny to remove all the sofa cushions and drag them into the dining room so no one could sit down until it was all fixed as we helped the littler DC take shoes and coats off, then the %/6 (ish) child stood giggling while the adults just sorted it. if i'd done that as a kid as a guest my mum would have brought the wrath of god down on me there and then!

I genuinely don't believe a lot of this would have been accepted when I was a kid, and the first couple of play dates, i thought we'd just met a couple of bad apples, but it's now 5-6 visits with 3 different families. i'm not happy to accept further playdates at home if it's going to be like this and people think it's normal. DH is the same, he's been shocked at the state of the house when people have left and on the times he's been here, he's sick of people not telling their kids how to behave as a guest and feels similarly uncomfortable at e.g. having to intervene when a child has been doing something dangerous or damaing while the parent sits and ignores it.

please tell me this isn't normal????

(let me be clear, the kids seem perfectly NICE as children, and they play nicely, e.g. sharing toys, it's just the general disrespect for adults or breaking things that i am finding absolutely shocking.)

😂

just in case anyone has no idea about the miltary boatwhistle comment:

OMG - this reminds me of the time my cleaner rang me to say the holiday let had been trashed by the family that had just left.

All the bedroom curtain poles ripped from the walls, bringing down the plaster presumably by swinging on, green felt pen scribbles all over the wall and soft furnishings, bespoke garden mural smashed, red pen scribbles on the wooden coffee table and deep gouges in the dining table.

Housekeepers cupboard broken into and raided so no clean linen and towels for the incoming guests. Most of the towels that were taken were found screwed up in the garden.

We had 6 hours to get the place up to standard for the next guests. We had to re-plaster and repaint two bedrooms and re-paint part of the sitting room and hallway. I managed to get most of the pen marks out of the dining chair fabric and just had time to sand back the coffee table. We managed to get the cottage looking presentable just in time although I had to borrow bedding and towels as there wasn't time to wash, dry and iron 5 sets. The rest of the repair work we did at the next changeover.

We never did find the TV remote. I had to order another one so the new guests had to manage for a day until it arrived. I'm still amazed that we didn't have to cancel them.

The behaviour of some children (and families) nowadays is unbelievable.

Absolutely this ^ .. and then add a huge dose of parents completely addicted and I mean ADDICTED to their phones .. and you have this result.
Active discipline and parenting requires you having to tear yourself away from Instagram for 5 minutes...

I’ve got 3 kids, the oldest is 8, I have lost count of the play dates I’ve hosted and I’ve never encountered behaviour anything like this extreme.

Probably the rudest/worst behaviour I’ve come across is kids leaving the table when they’ve finished rather than waiting for their friends (the rule in our house is that DC can get down once they’ve all finished but they don’t have to wait for adults to finish. Obviously they know this differs at other houses and doesn’t hold at restaurants!)
Which I don’t think is that bad.

However. I’m happy for them to jump on sofas, I’m happy for them to play in our bedroom and actually I’m happy for them to make a mess within reason. That’s what the playroom and the kids’ rooms are for. My kids know they have to tidy up once their friends have gone or enlist their friends for help while they are still there, they usually choose the former option. Growing up I loved the fact that my parents were very relaxed about mess and where we went in the house, so many friends’ houses felt like show homes or had various areas off limits. So I give my kids that same atmosphere.

@Elphame You should’ve been able to bill the awful parents for this, but I’ve no idea if that’s allowed. Absolutely horrendous.

My experience is also the opposite of lots of posters here. I went to a primary school with quite a working class intake. The children were terribly behaved, often fighting, swearing and smoking (aged 10!). I remember children behaving awfully at school and at my house.
In contrast my children attend a very middle class school, I dont think they have ever witnessed a fight, I've never heard them or any of their friends swear and their friends are on the whole beautifully behaved.

Also agree with everything @kelsie2878 said.

It’s not unusual.
One small visitor can raid jewellery boxes at will because he is a pirate. He also refuses milk and water and says that ‘pirates only drink blackcurrant out of little square boxes.’

One mother complained to me that her whole house is sticky. Every day she cleans every surface and floor and every day it is made sticky again by her two children sprinkling Vimto everywhere from their sippy cups. One of these children is an intelligent four year old. The mother looked aghast at what I thought was a very obvious solution of only giving them water in the sippy cups.

One small visitor can raid jewellery boxes at will because he is a pirate. He also refuses milk and water and says that ‘pirates only drink blackcurrant out of little square boxes.’

Pirates get hanged for their crimes. I'm sure that it's tempting.

Failing that, adding rum to his blackcurrant may work.

For the benefit of anyone on Mumsnet who takes everything literally, I'm not actually suggesting that either of the above are a good idea.

Haha!
That’s brilliant!
Our Whippets’s ears are on high alert now

Fortunately I found a group of broadly like minded firm-ish parents who had a similar approach to us we met locally at playgroups. Usually had their kids to play and they were always delightful. Anytime I strayed outside that group I ended up shocked. Find your tribe op.

@PlutoCritter kids shouldn’t behave like this but your post comes across as very snotty. Why reference it being a middle class area? And that the families are representative? Heaven forbid middle class children misbehave, it’s to be expected of those poor working class brats.

My own fucking sister stood by with her fucking husband while their two mid-late primary aged kids had a pillow fight with our brand new and v v £££ sofa

I was cooking, got told about it afterwards by my ds who had told them to stop.

kids also whining for food and snacks constantly even as I was dishing up.

taking far far too much food, some of it clearly stated as unsuitable for them because they had allergies but they took it anyway, one bite, left it all. This all was just pre-pandemic

i said never again. My oh talked me into relenting a couple of months ago…

boy oh boy did that blow up in his face when the trip went even worse. At least he apologised and sympathised so won’t ever expect me to host or bother with any of them ever again.

and my now hulking ds was never like this. His friends were the same and anyone who behaved like this in the wider circle of kids etc had no play dates or mates so quickly got with the programme

@DdraigGoch lol the rum has already been suggested.
my answer is that that is why pirates have such bad teeth.

A lot of parents simply cannot be bothered parenting, a prime example the other day reading a Facebook post where a 72 year old lady was being targeted by a group of teens she was frightened,on poster said kids will be kids!!! I was absolutely shocked that the parent found that acceptable. There's a lot of kids around these days with no boundaries.

I did - they got a bill for several hundred pounds for the extra cleaning and repairs. The mural mosaic was damaged beyond repair and it still grieves me now when I see the space where it used to be. I put a nice garden mirror there (which I charged them for) but it's not the same.

My T&Cs allow for me to do so and some of it was close to criminal damage They were lucky I didn't make a police complaint and I think they knew it as they paid up promptly.

I definitely wouldn't say no to Christopher Plummer whacking my bottom with a Woman's Weekly

There was a thread a couple of years ago where the OP euphemistically referred to their feral DC's behaviour as "crunchy" - they got a right flaming for that!

Middle class children are often little shits.
probably that’s why it was mentioned.

There are good and bad parenting styles across all socioeconomic groups, but a specific type of “Middle class” child can be awfully indulged.
There is a cafe near here where kids run around on tables- And a pub where their crotch goblins run riot inside the actual building.
It’s horrendous.

I'm 50 and was brought up in the, well, we could do certain things but certainly good manners at home and when out, polite to adults at all times.

I don't have DC but do have a 4 year old nephew (who's generally very good).

When I'm out and about, most parents and kids are well behaved and polite, with and without parents but some aren't, I suppose that always happened.

But I've noticed generally, unless certain children (even at home) are prompted by parents to e.g. say thank you etc - some of them can be downright rude, I do think they copy behaviour, and what is key here, is lots of parents (including SIL sometimes) do gentle parenting (don't tell kids off, or do it kindly) which means that the child sometimes thinks the world revolves around parents and being nice to the parents/nursery workers and not to others, like shop workers, other relatives, other people they might come across etc.

I'm not saying children should be treated as we were (which was a bit harsh sometimes) but manners were upheld, if we misbehaved in a restaurant (which was a big treat) we were marched to the toilet by mum or another adult and told to behave (but nicely). If we were sick etc different story. Now, it seems as if a child can throw a strop/be rude etc and do whatever he/she wants and it's either cute/funny/the child asserting itself etc.

I do think a few parents don't like putting boundaries in place or very limited ones. Which means sometimes the child doesn't know it's limits. Or can't play quietly, has to have a screen etc.

I'll probably get a few parents flaming me for this but sod it!

That is one of my pet peeves children running round in restraints or cafes, it is also dangerous if people are carrying hot drinks.

It’s called “Gentle Parenting”.

It’s a nice idea whereby you never tell
off or criticise your child, or force them to do anything until they are ready.

In theory it is a lovely idea and I really did consider adopting it for DD, but I went to a few group meets when she was tiny and the devastation that I saw put me off.

The kids were all from middle class type families and actually had very articulate speech but the way they behaved was universally appalling. The following were all articulate and appeared neurotypical:

Think (without any adult correction):

• 9 year old “expressing himself” by drawing on the walls without correction, being rude to adults, never saying “please” or “thank you” and snatching.

• 6 year old in wanting nothing but Wotsits and yoghurt for lunch, and being given them. Constantly interrupted the adults. Jumped all over the furniture (think standing on kitchen units). Played with washing machine settings. Not toilet trained (wore a nappy).

• Three year old singing “Old MacDonald had a farm” with the same verse over and over and over again without being asked to change the record.

• Six year old pulling books from the shelves and throwing them claiming they were “paper aeroplanes” and shrieking loudly.

All the above while Mums with very little between the ears made comments about them “expressing themselves” and not wanting to “damage them” or “brainwash them” with “establishment” or “authoritarian” ideals.

It put me right off the whole thing.

Restraunts that was meant to say!

This definitely isn't normal OP. I have never allowed my dd to behave like this, especially at someone else's house. I do know parents who continually indulge their little darlings and expect everyone else to put up with/parent them when they can't be arsed. No thanks. They never get invited back if they can't control their kids.