Husband v Friend

[Breakfastbitch]

NC for this as quite outing. DH and one of my friends have never gotten on for reasons I won’t go into here as it’s too long and complicated to explain. IMO, they were both in the wrong.

Our wedding was last month and in the planning stages we had gone back and forth on whether to invite this particular DF. I was one of her bridesmaids so it felt very nasty to not invite her or just invite her to the evening for example but I wanted DH to feel comfortable on the day. DH insisted that we invite DF to a) not make matters worse between them and b) as they are one of my closest friends they should be there and c) he felt sure that everyone could be civil as they had been at another recent event.

Unfortunately on the day, DF did not behave as I would have expected. They appeared in a bad mood, implied I wasn’t spending enough time with them and other members of her particular friend group (it was my wedding day! I was a little busy!) and worst of all they didn’t acknowledge DH even when he was stood right next to me and DF blanked DH. I did not see the blanking incident but I acknowledge DF was acting rudely the rest of the day.

Since the wedding, DH gets upset/uncomfortable whenever I go to see this DF as he feels I shouldn’t be interacting with someone who was so nasty to him and he views this as a betrayal. However, I have been friends with DF for many many years and it would feel wrong to end the friendship. Also, DF is linked to other friends and family so it would make it very difficult for me to partake in particular hobbies and would make things awkward with around 10 other friends and family. They also live very locally so it would be hard to avoid them.

YABU: I should be loyal to DH and cut ties with DF.

YANBU: DH needs to accept the friendship with DF is separate to the relationship with DH.

Your husband has some patience, I think you owe him with this. You also owe yourself. You owe yourselves the right to say no, this is not the behaviour of an actual friend. She deliberatly soured things on your wedding day, likely due to being a childish dick about not being bridesmaid. Well boo fucking hoo, shitty friend, you didn't deserve to attend at all, with an attitude like that, never mind be bridesmaid. Honestly, she has been such a bitch I bet you can look back and see plenty of times it was all about her, just like this, on YOUR wedding day.
It strikes me that you may feel you owe her, that 18 years of friendship is some kind of contract. Nah. A wise friend of mine years ago said this: friendship is earned, every day, every time you interact it's a two way street. We don't owe anyone anything, let alone getting treated like shit by so called friends. I suspect she is a jealous person anyway and hates the idea of you being happy and outside her nasty little world and orbit of influence, which is all about her. If you need the permission, here it is: You are allowed to cut this fucking bitch off out of your life. Whether you've known someone 18 years, 28 years, 38 years, doesn't matter how long, if the person in question is a toxic piece of shit. Don't waste any more years - and treasure your husband, he's been very, very patient.

I feel so very sorry for your husband. Your friend has behaved so badly and you have been incredibly unsupportive. It appears that your primary position is I’ve known her longer. Well, your husband will never win that so he may as well reconsider his position because clearly the vows you made meant sod all.

I wouldn't cut DF off completely, however I would try to be busier and attend only the major events which include her. I think a coffee over a walk with DF to talk about things would be helpful so she can realise how it affected you, but after a few weeks of no interaction so she sees the difference between having you as her friend or not having you at all in her life.

Wow this friend disrespected your husband on his wedding day (and you actually) but you think he should just get over it while it's not even mentioned to her. Nice bit of victim blaming there.

Tbh I blame DH for putting a downer on the wedding day aftermath in a way. Yes she behaved badly (although with subtlety and not in any way that’s easy to challenge) but whereas I’d like to move on, DH now associates our wedding with this.

Aside from the wedding DF hasn’t said a bad word against DH since the fall out 2 years ago.

He's allowed to feel the way he feels. You've never resolved it so by 'move on' you really mean 'don't discuss it'.

I do think she values me as her best friend/one of her best friends

If a friend treated my wife the way she treated your husband they would be told to appologise. If I was sure the situation couldn't be resolved and they couldn't be dumped then they'd be an acquaintence I only saw with others.

We all have dickhead friends of friends we tolerate but she is not that. You are messaging her regualarly and acting like her close friend. No wonder he's put out.

I actually think he's been very reserved about it all. He's not upset about the wedding, he's upset about the continuine deprioritisation of his feelings in favour of others.

She made him feel bad on his wedding day and he will never forget this. If a guest at my wedding blanked me, I would never forget it and I would certainly never contact them again. No need for your wishy washy "grey areas". It was his wedding day and she was incredibly rude. I'm unsure why you are even bothering with her. Just be civil and treat her as an acquaintance.

Anyone who blanked my husband on our wedding day AND accused me of not spending enough time with them on my own wedding day would no longer be my friend. Not in a dramatic way. I would only see them in group settings and would suddenly be very busy.

It was yr dh wedding too he's entitled to be upset and that's not his fault. I would distance myself from friend. Obviously if your doing something with others and she's there I'd be civil but other than that nc. If she asks why I'd be honest.

I would say it totally depends on the reason they fell out, and who instigated the fall out, because if your husband has done something to hurt you to make your friend dislike him, then your husband is in the wrong for expecting you to cut contact with her.

Similarly, if your husband doesn’t get on with your friend for a silly reason then he’s got a cheek expecting you to cut contact because you’ve been friends for years, although I’d be fuming at her being rude at the wedding.

If your friend has hurt you in the past in a big way giving your husband reason to dislike her, never mind behaved like a brat at your wedding, then I’d call the friendship off.

If your friend doesn’t like your husband for a trivial reason and is being deliberately immature and awkward then I’d also say that was reason to call the friendship off because she’s no friend.

It all depends on context.

It's hard to call without knowing your DH, if he's a bit of a t**t then maybe she's being a good friend by refusing to accept him. However if he was I'd have expected him to be the kind of person to kick off and not let you invite her which he obviously didn't do so am inclined to assume he's a decent guy, in which case your 'friend' is a cow if the highest order.

It's really hard to invite someone to your wedding who makes you uncomfortable, but you do it because you love your partner, I did it for mine so I know it's a sacrifice. You obviously can't just end the friendship but you should take a massive step back and only see her at group events and not one on one. She's not a friend and will cause friction x

Your poor husband. He deserves better than you.

You and your friend sound like you're cut from the same cloth, and that's not a compliment.

If a so-called friend behaved like that on my wedding day, I would not remain close to them. That is outrageously shitty behaviour. This would not even be about my DH but between her and me and the absolute lack of basic manners and respect for my special day!

I think you lack respect for your husband and want to stay 'friends' with someone who is certainly and absolutely NOT your friend! What sort of a 'friend' treats people like she treats you and your husband? She sounds like an enemy, or frenemy at best. Why are you friends with her? She gives you and your DH nothing but trouble. No 'friend' let alone best friend would do what she did, and you admitting she would lie about it shows you know she is no friend. I guess I have more self respect because if my friend acted like that at my wedding, I'd wipe her like I was wiping something off my shoe. And never look back. No matter how difficult friend/family settings are. No one needs 'friends' like her. You're a doormat who feels sorry for her. Stuff her, she doesn't deserve the sympathy, the wedding should be the very last straw. She is no friend, get some self respect and walk away from her for good.

No. Disengage completely. Even if that means you won't go if she is present.

Yes you are blaming him, in fact I would say victim-blaming. Her behaviour would ruin the day for anyone. It's not 'dwelling' on it, it's a fact. She ruined the day. And you call her a friend? No friend would do that to you if they truly valued you. Your DH is also looking out for you. It's clear from your posts she is abusive and not a nice person, someone you shouldn't even be friends with, in the first place. Your DH is not ruining the memory, she ruined it. Moving on includes acknowledging the fact that she ruined your/his day, and cutting her out of your life for good. That, is the only way to move on. You either choose your DH, who sounds very lovely and caring for even suggesting she be there, or this nasty bitch who cannot even support both of you on even for one day your most important day. One or the other. You'd be mad to choose the nasty bitch of a frenemy over your own husband.

Your poor husband. He deserves better than you.

Agree totally. He sounds like a lovely man who despite misgivings decided to have her there. And the frenemy spat that olive branch back at his face, and she is now whingeing because he said she ruined the day (which she DID)?? OP doesn't sound like she deserves a good man like that. If my best friend treated my husband like this, it would break my heart. I could never see her in the same way ever again. OP doesn't even seem to think it's 'worth dwelling on'. Wow.

Absolutely pass her off in a group setting and fade her out on a one on one basis, as suggested.

Real friends wouldn't dream of behaving badly on your wedding day.

Any questions from her just brush off with being busy.
Don't fuel any drama or give her a chance to misquote you.

As for your husband, whilst I have sympathy for him, he needs to really get a grip with allowing her this power to sour the memory of your wedding.

I would think he is a little dramatic to put it mildly, particularly as he has admitted it was subtle.

She's very rude, but he needs to calm down.

I would be seriously unimpressed if my husband said this.
Likewise for a bride allowing a twatty friend of her husband being subtly rude to her, ruin such an important day.

Long term move on.

I certainly wouldn't have her near my home again, so you can assure him of that too.

You didn’t read the post properly the friend expected the bride to spend her entire wedding with her and not the guy she married, stating they did something to each other is disrespectful to the husband.

Dump the so called friend and who cares if you have to see her while visiting other family or friends, she is trying to control your life you do realize that. You got married it’s now about you and your husband.

So she blanked him on your wedding day, was passive aggressive to you because your attention wasn’t on her, yet you’re caught between them? Fucking hell. If my husband had a friend that treated me like that I wouldn’t have needed to say anything to him, he’d have acted on his own accord and cut them off.

It’s alright for you to ‘move forward’ because for whatever reason you still want her in your life. You can choose to forgive her actions against you, but he is in no way obliged.

Oh, and you didn’t even address it at the time, and there was no apology from her! That’s even worse tbh. She made him feel shitty and uncomfortable on his wedding day, and not only did you not even try to challenge it at the time or soon afterwards, now you’re just like ‘oh well, let’s move on!’ and getting annoyed because he can’t.

if I were on the receiving end of that I would take it to mean my spouse either had a complete lack of respect for me and my feelings, and/or was an absolute coward. I’m not sure I could come back from that tbh. It would massively change my feelings towards them.