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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband v Friend

146 replies

Breakfastbitch · 22/08/2022 11:02

NC for this as quite outing. DH and one of my friends have never gotten on for reasons I won’t go into here as it’s too long and complicated to explain. IMO, they were both in the wrong.

Our wedding was last month and in the planning stages we had gone back and forth on whether to invite this particular DF. I was one of her bridesmaids so it felt very nasty to not invite her or just invite her to the evening for example but I wanted DH to feel comfortable on the day. DH insisted that we invite DF to a) not make matters worse between them and b) as they are one of my closest friends they should be there and c) he felt sure that everyone could be civil as they had been at another recent event.

Unfortunately on the day, DF did not behave as I would have expected. They appeared in a bad mood, implied I wasn’t spending enough time with them and other members of her particular friend group (it was my wedding day! I was a little busy!) and worst of all they didn’t acknowledge DH even when he was stood right next to me and DF blanked DH. I did not see the blanking incident but I acknowledge DF was acting rudely the rest of the day.

Since the wedding, DH gets upset/uncomfortable whenever I go to see this DF as he feels I shouldn’t be interacting with someone who was so nasty to him and he views this as a betrayal. However, I have been friends with DF for many many years and it would feel wrong to end the friendship. Also, DF is linked to other friends and family so it would make it very difficult for me to partake in particular hobbies and would make things awkward with around 10 other friends and family. They also live very locally so it would be hard to avoid them.

YABU: I should be loyal to DH and cut ties with DF.

YANBU: DH needs to accept the friendship with DF is separate to the relationship with DH.

OP posts:

Original poster

Breakfastbitch · 22/08/2022 11:35

No they have never been romantically involved.

I have several other friendship groups which DH encourages and likes very much so he is no way trying to cut me off from my support network.

DF does have jealousy issues as they often get competitive with other friends. They were very upset not be a bridesmaid.

OP posts:

TrashyPanda · 22/08/2022 11:36

Hadalifeonce · 22/08/2022 11:14

So your DH insisted you invite your friend, even though he dislikes her, because he cares about you.

Your friend then behaves badly towards you and your DH, AT YOUR WEDDING!!!

And you are unsure who your loyalty should be with? Interesting.
You don't have to cut your 'friend' from your life, as it affects others. But I believe you should back off somewhat, from being so close, she should be treated as an acquaintance not a friend, because she's not.

Totally agree

she sounds like a manipulative cow. She really isn’t your friend

ChsmpagneWannaBe · 22/08/2022 11:37

Your DF is not your friend behaving that way. I'm on your Dh side.
You need to stop seeing her or see her very rarely

JudgeRindersMinder · 22/08/2022 11:39

They were very upset not be a bridesmaid.

I think we’ve just reached the nub of the issue!

Keyansier · 22/08/2022 11:41

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 22/08/2022 11:21

Have you only got his side of things? It sound like he’s actually trying to cut you off from your support network. He feeds you all the things about her that he has issues with then he ‘insists’ she is invited so he’s the good guy. Personally I’d get an annulment and keep the friend.

Are you on crack cocaine? I am struggling to think of any other reason that made you reach this conclusion from what's in the OP.

Adversity · 22/08/2022 11:42

She sounds awful but you have not said why they fell out which does make it harder to understand.

VainAbigail · 22/08/2022 11:42

they often get competitive with other friends. They were very upset not be a bridesmaid

Is there more than one friend giving you grief? Bit confused

girlmom21 · 22/08/2022 11:44

If my friend acted like a twat on my wedding day I'd keep my distance.

If my friend snubbed my partner on my wedding day I'd be done.

Sux2buthen · 22/08/2022 11:45

@VainAbigail no you're not.
It's one friend obviously and you know it.

If any of my friends blanked my partner wedding or not, they'd be goners.

Brefugee · 22/08/2022 11:45

it's not actually a binary choice is it though? If you only see this friend when you're in a group, you're not making arrangements with them specifically, and you don't need to have that much interaction.

So in that respect i think your DH and you are on the same page.

But. I would ask her about it. And then decide on further interactions in future depending on the answer.

VainAbigail · 22/08/2022 11:46

Sux2buthen · 22/08/2022 11:45

@VainAbigail no you're not.
It's one friend obviously and you know it.

If any of my friends blanked my partner wedding or not, they'd be goners.

Yeh but the op keeps putting she then they so that’s why I’m thinking there might have been more than 1 friend and why I asked!

LoobyDop · 22/08/2022 11:46

VainAbigail · 22/08/2022 11:42

they often get competitive with other friends. They were very upset not be a bridesmaid

Is there more than one friend giving you grief? Bit confused

Yes, you can probably use “she” in the context of a would-be bridesmaid without giving too much away 🙄

10HailMarys · 22/08/2022 11:46

I was fully expecting to read this and think your DH was in the wrong but honestly, having read the whole post and then seeing your follow-ups, I think your friend sounds like a bloody nightmare.

Regardless of what happened to make DF and DH fall out in the first place, your DH actively encouraged you to invite her to your wedding and so on and was happy to be civil. Your DF then behaved like a dick. Also you mention she is competitive with your other friends and was very upset not to be a bridesmaid, which rings alarm bells to me.

10HailMarys · 22/08/2022 11:47

VainAbigail · 22/08/2022 11:42

they often get competitive with other friends. They were very upset not be a bridesmaid

Is there more than one friend giving you grief? Bit confused

'They' has been used as a singular pronoun in English since the 14th century, so I'm surprised you haven't got used to it yet

neverwakeasleepingdragon · 22/08/2022 11:50

On the assumption that your DH is a good man and not an abusive twat she hates because of how he treats you, your friend is the one in the wrong. You have hinted that there's a backstory that you don't want to go into - I am assuming it's nothing like that. He's not violent, he's not a gambler, he's not a waster.... he's just a nice bloke who she irrationally seems to not like very much.

She's been rude to him. He's tried to extend many olive branches. She's hit him in the face with said branches.

bjrce · 22/08/2022 11:50

Its all about her - she came to YOUR wedding day in a bad mood! she was disrespectful to your DH - I don't care if they don't get on. She could have had some manners on the day, even for the fact it was both your wedding day.

You friend sounds like very hard work and self absorbed. Apologies, but she sounds like an ignorant bitch! She didn't care about your feelings.

You don't even sound like you addressed your rude behaviour at the wedding.

Your DH was being civil for the sake of you having the friend attend the wedding. He didn't want her there, but he did it for you.
She on the other hand made it all about herself.

I think you need to open your eyes

ANUsernam · 22/08/2022 11:51

She's not your friend. A friend would put aside their feelings for your DH and behave well at your wedding - as your DH put aside his feelings towards her and encouraged you to invite her. He's shown in his actions that he cares about your happiness, she's shown she does not.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 22/08/2022 11:52

I do think you should still be able to keep your friendship, but she sounds awful. Is she always an asshat?

Sally872 · 22/08/2022 11:53

She isn't a friend. I would keep it civil enough to keep hobbies and family connections without awkwardness and no more than that. Hopefully if you explain to dh you are only seeing her as part of wider group he will feel better about it.

Original poster

Breakfastbitch · 22/08/2022 11:54

It is interesting to see that most people seem to side with DH. I tend to see grey areas and I understand that people are complicated and can change. DH is more black and white and whilst he will give people chances, the wedding day sealed it for him and he believes there should be no coming back from it. I’m more happy to move on from things whereas he will hold grudges.

The initial fall out I will concede DF was the instigator.

OP posts:

GeekyThings · 22/08/2022 11:55

I think she sounds like a lot of hard work! I would be inclined to leave that friendship, especially as you only really interact in group events. You don't need to feel obligated, if she's like this with you, she's probably like this with everyone, so I don't think anyone will cut you out of a group event on order to accommodate her.

Your OH sounds like he's being pretty reasonable under the circumstances, considering how she was with him he had every right to tell her to piss off at his wedding, I'd be pissed off if someone was like that with me at my big party!

GooglyEyeballs · 22/08/2022 11:56

Your husband tried to do the right thing and be the bigger person and your 'DF' behaved really horribly and put a downer on the wedding day for the both of you. Would a true friend actually do that to you? I think you should side with your DH and put some distance between you and this person who is quite clearly horrible and doesn't care about creating drama.

Tiani4 · 22/08/2022 11:57

YABU

She isn't a friend as she sulked and was sullen on your wedding day. Your DH behaved in your best interest, your DF did not

I would find it difficult to forgive that behaviour and self-centredness. You noticed it. She meant it . That's nasty

I would phase out this friend to an acquaintance that you see when doing shared hobbies. Your life will be happier if you distance yourself and DH from toxicity of this person

sobeyondthehills · 22/08/2022 11:58

Breakfastbitch · 22/08/2022 11:54

The initial fall out I will concede DF was the instigator.

There is a massive difference between holding a grudge and not putting up with rude behaviour.

Are you seeing the friend in just group settings?

As for your friend being the instagator, reading your OP and posts, I am not surprised.

Original poster

Breakfastbitch · 22/08/2022 11:59

Tbh she isn’t particularly hard work and I know none of my other freinds see her as hard work and would be very confused as to why there was suddenly an issue between us. She just makes the odd passive aggressive comment when I mention other friendship groups, things like that. I do think she values me as her best friend/one of her best friends as she doesn’t have a lot of family (only child, no in laws etc). Whereas she isn’t as high ranking to me as I have many close friends and family and I think that upsets her somewhat.

OP posts:

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