Husband v Friend

[Breakfastbitch]

NC for this as quite outing. DH and one of my friends have never gotten on for reasons I won’t go into here as it’s too long and complicated to explain. IMO, they were both in the wrong.

Our wedding was last month and in the planning stages we had gone back and forth on whether to invite this particular DF. I was one of her bridesmaids so it felt very nasty to not invite her or just invite her to the evening for example but I wanted DH to feel comfortable on the day. DH insisted that we invite DF to a) not make matters worse between them and b) as they are one of my closest friends they should be there and c) he felt sure that everyone could be civil as they had been at another recent event.

Unfortunately on the day, DF did not behave as I would have expected. They appeared in a bad mood, implied I wasn’t spending enough time with them and other members of her particular friend group (it was my wedding day! I was a little busy!) and worst of all they didn’t acknowledge DH even when he was stood right next to me and DF blanked DH. I did not see the blanking incident but I acknowledge DF was acting rudely the rest of the day.

Since the wedding, DH gets upset/uncomfortable whenever I go to see this DF as he feels I shouldn’t be interacting with someone who was so nasty to him and he views this as a betrayal. However, I have been friends with DF for many many years and it would feel wrong to end the friendship. Also, DF is linked to other friends and family so it would make it very difficult for me to partake in particular hobbies and would make things awkward with around 10 other friends and family. They also live very locally so it would be hard to avoid them.

YABU: I should be loyal to DH and cut ties with DF.

YANBU: DH needs to accept the friendship with DF is separate to the relationship with DH.

I think you’re being very unreasonable towards your DH.

Grey area my arse!

I can see that you don’t want to fall out with your DF because it would cause you difficulties in the wider friendship group, but this clearly isn’t a friendship worth having if she’s so willing to deliberately try to sabotage your wedding day.

As a bare minimum I would request DF to acknowledge that she wasn’t putting your happiness above her own desires on your wedding day and to apologise sincerely to DH for her rude behaviour on the day. If she won’t do that, then this friendship is clearly a one sided affair and only on her terms.

Are you completely spineless or you don’t care much for your DH’s feelings?

Your poor husband. Stop kowtowing to your nasty friend and start supporting your husband.

Your poor DH.

Doesn't it mean anything to you pretty much everyone is siding with him and thinks your 'friend' is vile?

He had his wedding day ruined. Maybe he'd be more inclined to 'move on' if your shitty friend apologised for ruining his big day. Or maybe he could 'move on' if his wife didn't minimise his feelings and back her shitty friend.

If one of his friends had behaved like a dick I bet you wouldn't be so happy if he defended him and kept swanning off with him.

Been in a similar situation, where a friend put my DH’s job at risk by making some very stupid comments (which were entirely untrue) and I cut her off. He is the most important person in my life. I’m appalled that she was an arse to him on your wedding day. She sounds like a nasty, bitter person to do that.

For me it’s largely irrelevant why they have fallen out, but your dh was kind enough to put his feelings aside to have your df with you on your special day.

DF considers herself to be far more important to you than she is in reality, and was clearly seething not to be a bridesmaid, so much so she was rude by blanking your dh.
I can see exactly why he is upset op - but this has taken on more meaning for him. He may be questioning your loyalty and commitment to him - as I would in his position. He won’t move past this until he knows you 100% have his back. At the moment you waiver and seem confused.

To me it is simple. No one would ever be allowed to treat me dh in such a way and risk my whole wedding day and expect the friendship to continue! I have too much respect for him as a person.

Be clever. Don’t say a word to df and imperil your group (although I am sure your other friends are aware anyway) and distance yourself from her, only addressing her as part of group dynamics. If she asks say you are busy and let it fade.

Personally I wouldn’t dream of keeping a friend like this under any circumstances, and would quietly drop out of the group. Spend time with your other close friends and invest your time with friends that care enough about you not to wreck your wedding and marriage.

You blame your DH for putting a downer on your wedding day?!

Ok then.

You don’t sound very supportive OP.

And why are you allowing your friend to tear your DH like this?

And to be honest, you don’t sound like you even respect your DH.

No friend of mine would ever treat my DH this way.

Good god.

Did you read the OP?

I think it's interesting that you just want to "move on" from the issue of the wedding. Your DH was upset. She treated you badly on the day.

It does rather sound like this is one of those friendships where one friend is not actually very nice.

Also, I had a big fall out with a friend and DH still engages with her. He doesn't have a choice and he tries very hard to limit it. But I won't lie, I HATE it. I'm not surprised that your Dh is upset.

Oh, and anyone who complained I wasn't spending enough time with them on MY wedding day would immediately go into the "much much much too hard work" category.

I think you're being very unfair. This might be unfinished business for you, but it's not for your husband - and the fact that you are basically not backing him because you won't address it with your friend, no wonder his memories of your wedding feel tainted.

I also think it's REALLY unfair for you to tell him you'll cut her off if HE asks you to!

Your friend made your wedding day about her, not about you.

Every update you've made sounds worse OP.

Your so called friend sounds dreadful and you're minimising her behaviour and gaslighting your husband by blaming him for being upset by her awful rudeness.

Just imagine for a moment if the situations were reversed, and your DH had a friend who completely blanked you and was rude to you on your wedding day, and when you brought it up with him he dismissed you, carried on interacting with the friend like normal and said you should get over it as you were tainting the memories of the day for him!

You should tell your friend her behaviour was unacceptable, have your husband's back, and stop interacting with her beyond the bare minimum needed for hobbies etc.

I'm sorry Op but I do agree with previous posters.

You say you don't dwell on it like your husband but this behaviour was directed at him not you.

It shouldn't be up to him to tell you that you need to end this friendship that's not a fair position to put him in. Personally I would find this behaviour unacceptable, she isn't a friend if that's how she behaves and why would she want to be a bridesmaid when she doesn't like the groom ?

I can understand why your husband is so upset if he feels like his feelings aren't being validated and your just continuing with the friendship like nothing happened. This is the man you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with and your allowing him to be disrespected by your friend.

I don't think I'd end the friendship completely if it's going to impact your wider social group but keep her at a bit of a distance.

I think I would have to talk to her though. You don't even have to be specific but say you noticed she was a bit off at the wedding and make it clear you're happy to keep them apart but if they do ever meet up you wouldn't accept her being rude to him.

I do have a friend who has been really rude to/about my partner a couple of times. I don't even think she dislikes him she just has a shitty sense of humour.

I have chickened out of saying anything so far but next time I will. In this case, it's entirely on her, he hasn't done anything to her.

I really feel for your husband, she shouldn't have been able to put such a downer on him during his wedding day. I can't believe you didn't say anything after.

Awful behaviour at your wedding!

I think that your dh WNBU to be uncomfortable with your having one-on-one personal meetings with this so-called friend (and frankly, would you want to?) or visiting her at her home. I think he'd be U to prevent you from pursuing other friendships and hobbies just because she might be there.

Did the idea of 'blaming DH for placing a downer' come from having contact with this 'lovely' friend?

This. By continuing to indulge her, I would say her friendship is more important to you than your relationship with your dh. It's clearly that is the message you are giving your dh.

Same. I wouldn't tolerate anyone treating my dh badly. But you seem to be fine with that op?

How do you even have such a friendship. You don't talk about your husband which is a major part of your life? I would be very upset with you, if I was your dh.

If a friend of mine had treated my DH like that on my wedding day then I'd most probably be ending the friendship

She was very rude, she should have been able to at least be civil on the day, your big day, and acknowledge your DH

She sounds horrible. She obviously has very little respect for you if she's prepared to act like a brat on your wedding day

I don’t understand why you’re posting really.

Your friend was rude to your DH on your wedding day even though he put aside his dislike of her for you and invited her.

She was rude to TO you on your wedding day and you’re too cowardly to confront her.

you refute all very good points about your friend being unreasonable and aren’t going to end the friendship even though you acknowledge your friend is likely the instigator of trouble.

YAB entirely U but crack on as of course you will.

You sound very conflict-avoidant, OP. Do you often find yourself in the position of trying to smooth over cracks, not make a fuss, walk over eggshells? It's as if you're terrified to piss off this friend even if it means throwing your loved ones under the bus?

She is not really a friend if she could behave like that on your wedding day! Your DH sounds a much better bet, and you would be being disloyal to him if you did not acknowledge what she did and act on it. Just quietly distance yourself if you don't want to bring it up with her (though I would)!