Husband v Friend

[Breakfastbitch]

NC for this as quite outing. DH and one of my friends have never gotten on for reasons I won’t go into here as it’s too long and complicated to explain. IMO, they were both in the wrong.

Our wedding was last month and in the planning stages we had gone back and forth on whether to invite this particular DF. I was one of her bridesmaids so it felt very nasty to not invite her or just invite her to the evening for example but I wanted DH to feel comfortable on the day. DH insisted that we invite DF to a) not make matters worse between them and b) as they are one of my closest friends they should be there and c) he felt sure that everyone could be civil as they had been at another recent event.

Unfortunately on the day, DF did not behave as I would have expected. They appeared in a bad mood, implied I wasn’t spending enough time with them and other members of her particular friend group (it was my wedding day! I was a little busy!) and worst of all they didn’t acknowledge DH even when he was stood right next to me and DF blanked DH. I did not see the blanking incident but I acknowledge DF was acting rudely the rest of the day.

Since the wedding, DH gets upset/uncomfortable whenever I go to see this DF as he feels I shouldn’t be interacting with someone who was so nasty to him and he views this as a betrayal. However, I have been friends with DF for many many years and it would feel wrong to end the friendship. Also, DF is linked to other friends and family so it would make it very difficult for me to partake in particular hobbies and would make things awkward with around 10 other friends and family. They also live very locally so it would be hard to avoid them.

YABU: I should be loyal to DH and cut ties with DF.

YANBU: DH needs to accept the friendship with DF is separate to the relationship with DH.

Your friend was very disrespectful to your husband on his wedding day.

The fact your friend complained you didn't spend enough time with them,on your Wedding day,says a lot about this particular friend.

As for the falling out between them... can't comment as not enough info.

I just can't imagine one of my friends acting like this, so it's difficult to understand 😕

I have told DH he never has to see her again and should we have any children she won’t be involved in their lives. It’s just how uncomfortable he gets when I’m speaking to her even on group messages and seeing her in the friendship group outings.

Tbh I blame DH for putting a downer on the wedding day aftermath in a way. Yes she behaved badly (although with subtlety and not in any way that’s easy to challenge) but whereas I’d like to move on, DH now associates our wedding with this.

I'm beginning to feel really sorry for your DH, she behaved badly at your wedding, you ignored it, then swept in under the carpet, and now you think he's the bad guy. Seriously ?

TBH if she's otherwise decent and reasonable I'd be very concerned to find out why exactly she dislikes DH so much she behaves like this, but it's a bit late now you've married him.

I agree, I think you need to withdrawn from this friendship. Whatever she thinks of him, he's the man you've decided to spend your life with. If she can't respect that, she can't be part of your life. You can agree to differ, it's fine that they'll never be friends, but this behaviour is not OK.

This is exactly what I wanted to say.

They don't get on. Your DH put you first, your 'friend' didn't.

But that isn't his fault. She behaved badly, that's on her. He is entitled to be upset with it especially as he put you first in the first place. The least she could have done was behave amicably on your wedding day towards the both of you.

It’s just that it’s an 18 year friendship. It seems extreme to just cancel out 18 years. Aside from the wedding DF hasn’t said a bad word against DH since the fall out 2 years ago. We just don’t talk about him particularly so she isn’t causing an issue in that way.

In a similar situation MIL behaved exactly like this at our wedding. As a result memories of our wedding we're not happy and we never celebrated our wedding anniversary. I can see why DH is so upset.

Because it was his mum, we kept on seeing her for a while, but eventually went NC at DH's instigation. Having one party close to someone who's prepared to treat the other like this is not going to be a recipe for a happy marriage, whether that's their mother or a friend.

I think it's very unfair of you to blame your DH for her bad behaviour. More especially BECAUSE of the subtlety, I think that's worse than her just openly being disrespectful towards him - it was sly and mean, and she did it to him at his own wedding. She sounds like a dickhead, and she was 100% at fault, going off the information you've shared. She ruined his wedding for him, deliberately.

I think you should kick her to the kerb. And honestly? I think you should probably apologise to your DH for trying to force him to "move on", when they weren't your feelings that were hurt to "move on" from, nor your wedding day that was ruined. You had a happy day, he didn't, if that was my DH I would feel incredibly sad for him.

Why are you blaming your DH??? That's completely unfair!! He's obviously really upset by the way your friend treated him and he probably feels worse with how unsupportive you are. I feel so bad for him you're being so unfair. I would never allow a friend to treat my DH so horribly and I definitely wouldn't blame him for their behaviour when he's made the effort to be the better person. It's a bit gaslighty of you to blame him and expect him to just get over it and move on.

Please be on your DH's side 100%! And tell him so. As a PP says, you are effectively gaslighting him - and to even say it's her word against his - if my husband told me a friend blanked him at our wedding, I would of course believe him, and this person would not be my friend any more. Easy peasy.

Blanking the groom or bride on their wedding day is an unforgivable offence.

Just to be clear I absolutely do believe him! I’m just saying if I raised with DF I can tell that’s what they’d say - that he has imagined it.

So it sounds like I should just continue engaging with DF in group activities but set my distance on a one to one level?

Poor DH. He's not the bad guy here, he did nothing wrong and now you are blaming him for something your really shit friend did? You need to consider where your loyalty lies here, OP.

Yes - but it's almost always used when you don't know or dont want to state the sex of the person in question "the delivery driver left the parcel in the bin, what were they thinking?" "I'll try and get an appointment with the doctor and see what they think."

The use of singular person they to denote someone who considers themselves to be non binary certainly has not been used from the 14th century and has only come into common usage very very recently. Plus even in this case OP alternatively refers to the same person as "she" so I think it makes perfect sense if people are querying if they are the same person -if OP wanted to keep the sex of the awkward friend unidentified or awkward friend was non binary you'd expect it to be consistent!

OP unless the reason friend and dh don't get on is dhs fault (and for a real reason not a perceived or minor slight) your updates really don't paint friend in any positive light. You don't have to cut them off completely as that would make things hard for you but I personally would take several large steps back, stop going to their home, seeing them individually etc and just see them organically as part of the larger friend group or at your hobbies etc.

I’m not blaming him at all! I just feel like we should move on and it’s a shame to ruin the memory if our wedding day by dwelling on this that shouldn’t be important. It’s the same issue arising again and again whenever seeing DF crops up.

OP she sounds awful. Just step back from 1-2-1 contact.

I can see why it has affected your DH's memories of the wedding - because she went out of her way to ruin it and behave rudely! Even worse that she's sly and calculated enough to do it subtly and would, as you said, likely accuse DH of lying if you confronted her about the blanking.
I would limit interactions with her to essential group ones only - e.g. When she will be there anyway as part of the friendship/family group, to avoid awkwardness with others. I wouldn't connect with or see her on a one-to-one basis.

She needs to be told to apologise and behave. If she can't then you should end direct contact with her but I wouldn't stop doing the things you do with the wider group even if she is part of it.

DF is the problem. Even considering maintaining this relationship is awful of you. Support your DH.

You have just said that she would lie to you if you discussed the wedding. That's gaslighting. She sounds vile. I was friends with a woman for a long time, when it ended I realised that she had treated me like dirt. I hadn't seen it - until it was over. A few people had asked me why I was friends with her, I wish I had thought more about it when they asked me.

You can see her without being her best friend. I'd definitely let things cool off. She's driving a wedge between you and your life partner - that's not a good friend.

I wouldn't cut DF off completely so seeing DF at other events.but i wouldnt be available for DF. I think you have to stick by your DH.

the DF certainly doesn't seem much of a friend to me! Usually anyone at a wedding/event tries to get on doe the sake of everyone else even if there is history.

But this is his memory of the wedding day. To say he should move on is like saying you should get over being horribly bullied because you had a nice lunch.

Poor dh.
you’ve got a passive aggressive “d” who despite your partner not liking due to something she did still wanted her at the full event for you. She had a bad vibe(sour face?) blanked and made/makes digs. Yet his in the wrong for not bushing it under the rug like you would? Your being a door mat op.

it’s a sunken fallacy just because you wasted 18 years being friends doesn’t make it make sense to waste more year to of not wasted the 18.

That’s like chucking more and more money on a car that always breaks down because you’ve already spent 5k or whatever so might as well spend more or I wasted 5k. No giving up means you save future money be getting rid of the car that’s costing you. You move on and don’t waste more time/money.