Husband v Friend

[Breakfastbitch]

NC for this as quite outing. DH and one of my friends have never gotten on for reasons I won’t go into here as it’s too long and complicated to explain. IMO, they were both in the wrong.

Our wedding was last month and in the planning stages we had gone back and forth on whether to invite this particular DF. I was one of her bridesmaids so it felt very nasty to not invite her or just invite her to the evening for example but I wanted DH to feel comfortable on the day. DH insisted that we invite DF to a) not make matters worse between them and b) as they are one of my closest friends they should be there and c) he felt sure that everyone could be civil as they had been at another recent event.

Unfortunately on the day, DF did not behave as I would have expected. They appeared in a bad mood, implied I wasn’t spending enough time with them and other members of her particular friend group (it was my wedding day! I was a little busy!) and worst of all they didn’t acknowledge DH even when he was stood right next to me and DF blanked DH. I did not see the blanking incident but I acknowledge DF was acting rudely the rest of the day.

Since the wedding, DH gets upset/uncomfortable whenever I go to see this DF as he feels I shouldn’t be interacting with someone who was so nasty to him and he views this as a betrayal. However, I have been friends with DF for many many years and it would feel wrong to end the friendship. Also, DF is linked to other friends and family so it would make it very difficult for me to partake in particular hobbies and would make things awkward with around 10 other friends and family. They also live very locally so it would be hard to avoid them.

YABU: I should be loyal to DH and cut ties with DF.

YANBU: DH needs to accept the friendship with DF is separate to the relationship with DH.

what you are failing to see is that you DH's memory of the day is already ruined. its not the happy day you remember. you are basically telling him "shut up so my memory of the day remains happy". you are minimising and disregarding his feelings and the impact your friends actions have had on him.

What's to move on from? Her behaviour isn't changing.

I think your DH is being very gracious, your friend is a badly behaved brat and you should only see her when you have to in group situations

Your DF sounds like a dickhead.

Invest in your future, not in your past.

It's also not up to you to tell him to 'move on'. He's the one that's been treated badly and had his memories of his wedding day tainted

If someone close to him had ruined your day by refusing to speak to you, would it be OK if he was still regularly off out with them and asking you to get over it? Really?

@Breakfastbitch Apologies if I missed it but what was their fallout 2 years ago over?

I'm trying to imagine how I'd feel if on my wedding day my DH's friend blanked me completely. I would be very upset and it would overshadow the day. Especially if my DH minimised it, that would upset me more and would add fuel to the fire making it hard to let go.

My perspective is that you want it all to go away and be forgotten about, citing the reason that it's ruining the memory of your wedding day. I think you're doing your husband a disservice with this approach.

I think your actions (or lack thereof) could be making the situation worse and you're blaming your husband for not effectively "moving on". Like it or not, you are stuck in the middle here and you need to actively do something to resolve it, not bury your head in the sand and wait for it to blow over.

I think you should speak to your friend and explain how your husband sees what happened on the wedding day. And also try to find out why she's been "off" in general about the wedding. What is going on with her and what are her thoughts.

Out of interest, are you normally quite passive and will avoid confrontation?

Given you still haven't said what the falling out was about, it's difficult to give a proper opinion?

Your df made your dh feel uncomfortable on his wedding day and she was rude. I'd take a step back from the friendship.

Eighteen years would be a big deal if she seemed to place as much value on that as you want to. She's been disrespectful of not just your DH but of you. Your chose this man to be your husband. A normal person would accept that and be civil. Ignoring someone at their own wedding is abnormal behaviour.

If it will actually cause massive fallout in your family/friendship group if you cut off the friend, I'd just cool things with her. It may be inevitable that the whole thing implodes at some point. I'd rather have my husband than a friend who doesn't behave like a friend, no matter how far back we go, so I'd have to prioritise that relationship (the marriage), even if it meant cutting the fair-weather-friend out completely.

She sounds like a pain in the arse. Do you want to be friends with her?!

However your DH does not get to dictate your friends. You can see her without being disloyal to him. I think he can reasonably expect however, that she is no longer included in group events that involve him.

What on earth happened between them in the first place that things are so toxic now?

I can't imagine what kind of shit friend doesn't put whatever difference aside to make sure that you have a great wedding.

Longevity of friendship doesn't matter if they are a shit friend.

Can you explain what the issues are?

Your DH is a saint, your DF needs kicking into the Thames.

I would be putting my husband first but I couldn't still be friends with someone who didn't treat him well.. I would be cool with her in situations when you have to see her and focus on the other people there and never contact/meet her directly.

You are blaming him for feeling down about someone treating him poorly on his own wedding day. That's pretty shoddy.

And if she can't put stuff aside after an 18 year friendship, why should he after much less?

OP, you're not allowing your husband to have his feelings about this. If this is real then I think you need to rethink how you expect him to behave. What you are doing is not ok..

What happened 2 years ago to cause this? This would make or break for me! You said that the initial fall out your friend was the instigator.
I don't buy into this 'I've known them for 18 years etc' as an excuse for bad behaviour.
I would never expect my husband to be best friends with all my friends but I couldn't stand it if one of my friends disrespected him or ignored him for no reason and my husband would be like this with his friends.
Your saying you didn't want to bring it up to your friend but she ignored your husband and made sly remarks on your wedding day.
You are not respecting your husband

Leaving your husband out of this for the moment-why do you want to be friends with someone who was rude to you on your wedding day?

Do you think that she really is a friend/someone who cares for you?

Would totally depend what the full out was.

If my friend disliked a boyfriend of mine - I'd listen.

This

Agree with this.

Also as the wedding was last month - how many times have you seen this friend since the wedding? Have you told them their behaviour was totally out of order and they were incredibly rude? Have they had the decency to apologise to you both?

This! Come on, can you honestly not see who is in the wrong here?

Your handling of this entire situation is so flawed it's shocking. The future of your marriage doesn't bode well at when when you steadfastly refuse to support your husband and instead pander to a total bitch who acted like a sploit toddler on your wedding day. And you still refer to this woman as a friend! It's truly remarkable.