Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband v Friend

146 replies

Breakfastbitch · 22/08/2022 11:02

NC for this as quite outing. DH and one of my friends have never gotten on for reasons I won’t go into here as it’s too long and complicated to explain. IMO, they were both in the wrong.

Our wedding was last month and in the planning stages we had gone back and forth on whether to invite this particular DF. I was one of her bridesmaids so it felt very nasty to not invite her or just invite her to the evening for example but I wanted DH to feel comfortable on the day. DH insisted that we invite DF to a) not make matters worse between them and b) as they are one of my closest friends they should be there and c) he felt sure that everyone could be civil as they had been at another recent event.

Unfortunately on the day, DF did not behave as I would have expected. They appeared in a bad mood, implied I wasn’t spending enough time with them and other members of her particular friend group (it was my wedding day! I was a little busy!) and worst of all they didn’t acknowledge DH even when he was stood right next to me and DF blanked DH. I did not see the blanking incident but I acknowledge DF was acting rudely the rest of the day.

Since the wedding, DH gets upset/uncomfortable whenever I go to see this DF as he feels I shouldn’t be interacting with someone who was so nasty to him and he views this as a betrayal. However, I have been friends with DF for many many years and it would feel wrong to end the friendship. Also, DF is linked to other friends and family so it would make it very difficult for me to partake in particular hobbies and would make things awkward with around 10 other friends and family. They also live very locally so it would be hard to avoid them.

YABU: I should be loyal to DH and cut ties with DF.

YANBU: DH needs to accept the friendship with DF is separate to the relationship with DH.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 22/08/2022 11:04

What happened to make them dislike each other? Is one the instigator?

Whataretheodds · 22/08/2022 11:05

She's not being a friend to you if she behaves the way she did at your wedding.

cbatopainttheshed · 22/08/2022 11:09

If she behaved like that at your wedding, regardless of her feelings towards your DH, she's not a good friend. Whatever she felt on your wedding day, a good friend understands that they should be making it a wonderful day for you. If she's involved in family/friendship circles you can't cut her off as it'll cause wider issues, but I'd certainly back off.

Thatswhyimacat · 22/08/2022 11:10

Your DH is nbu. Your friend sounds like a brat.

cbatopainttheshed · 22/08/2022 11:11

However as she's intrinsically linked to other friends and hobbies, if your DH is expecting you to give up the hobbies/friends just so that you don't interact with this specific person, that is completely out of order and extremely controlling.

Bobbybobbins · 22/08/2022 11:11

Have you addressed this behaviour with your friend?

Fraaahnces · 22/08/2022 11:13

At best she was rude, but I suspect is rather devisive.

Hadalifeonce · 22/08/2022 11:14

So your DH insisted you invite your friend, even though he dislikes her, because he cares about you.

Your friend then behaves badly towards you and your DH, AT YOUR WEDDING!!!

And you are unsure who your loyalty should be with? Interesting.
You don't have to cut your 'friend' from your life, as it affects others. But I believe you should back off somewhat, from being so close, she should be treated as an acquaintance not a friend, because she's not.

Redshoeblueshoe · 22/08/2022 11:15

She really isn't your friend.

Azandme · 22/08/2022 11:15

Hadalifeonce · 22/08/2022 11:14

So your DH insisted you invite your friend, even though he dislikes her, because he cares about you.

Your friend then behaves badly towards you and your DH, AT YOUR WEDDING!!!

And you are unsure who your loyalty should be with? Interesting.
You don't have to cut your 'friend' from your life, as it affects others. But I believe you should back off somewhat, from being so close, she should be treated as an acquaintance not a friend, because she's not.

This!

She's vile!

Talipesmum · 22/08/2022 11:16

I can see it would be hard to cut all ties if your friend is linked in with lots of other people you know, and it would be likely unreasonable for your DH to demand you never encounter your DF again.

But - and obv this isn’t clear with limited info in your OP - it doesn’t sound much like you’re trying to pull back at all from your DF. If I were you I’d be finding it extremely hard to be still friendly with someone who acted so rudely, and while I’m sure I’d be trying to keep the peace, it would for sure have affected the friendship and I’d be withdrawing from her a bit at least. Do you not believe him? What does she say about it?

Dexysmidnightstroller · 22/08/2022 11:18

Your DH sounds like a gentleman.

Your friend sounds like an absolute cow.

I’d keep up the hobbies, but not make any effort to interact with her there or anywhere else.

Luckingfovely · 22/08/2022 11:18

Your loyalty really should be with your husband on this, as she was clearly in the wrong at the wedding.

You need to find a middle ground - back away from spending time one-to-one with her, but be civil in a wider group.

Compromise, huh?

Glittertwins · 22/08/2022 11:20

I'd be backing away from the friendship bit by bit. You don't need all out war if she is already a part of your hobbies however she's not the friend you thought she was

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 22/08/2022 11:21

Have you only got his side of things? It sound like he’s actually trying to cut you off from your support network. He feeds you all the things about her that he has issues with then he ‘insists’ she is invited so he’s the good guy. Personally I’d get an annulment and keep the friend.

Ohahjustalittlebit · 22/08/2022 11:21

Do they have a history together?

Randomthoughts992 · 22/08/2022 11:21

sorry but id prioritise my husband. She was rude, and is rude to your DH. your not being loyal there. I sense this marriage may not last long.

Bobbins36 · 22/08/2022 11:24

Breakfastbitch · 22/08/2022 11:02

NC for this as quite outing. DH and one of my friends have never gotten on for reasons I won’t go into here as it’s too long and complicated to explain. IMO, they were both in the wrong.

Our wedding was last month and in the planning stages we had gone back and forth on whether to invite this particular DF. I was one of her bridesmaids so it felt very nasty to not invite her or just invite her to the evening for example but I wanted DH to feel comfortable on the day. DH insisted that we invite DF to a) not make matters worse between them and b) as they are one of my closest friends they should be there and c) he felt sure that everyone could be civil as they had been at another recent event.

Unfortunately on the day, DF did not behave as I would have expected. They appeared in a bad mood, implied I wasn’t spending enough time with them and other members of her particular friend group (it was my wedding day! I was a little busy!) and worst of all they didn’t acknowledge DH even when he was stood right next to me and DF blanked DH. I did not see the blanking incident but I acknowledge DF was acting rudely the rest of the day.

Since the wedding, DH gets upset/uncomfortable whenever I go to see this DF as he feels I shouldn’t be interacting with someone who was so nasty to him and he views this as a betrayal. However, I have been friends with DF for many many years and it would feel wrong to end the friendship. Also, DF is linked to other friends and family so it would make it very difficult for me to partake in particular hobbies and would make things awkward with around 10 other friends and family. They also live very locally so it would be hard to avoid them.

YABU: I should be loyal to DH and cut ties with DF.

YANBU: DH needs to accept the friendship with DF is separate to the relationship with DH.

“Unfortunately on the day, DF did not behave as I would have expected. They appeared in a bad mood, implied I wasn’t spending enough time with them and other members of her particular friend group (it was my wedding day! I was a little busy!) and worst of all they didn’t acknowledge DH even when he was stood right next to me and DF blanked DH. I did not see the blanking incident but I acknowledge DF was acting rudely the rest of the day.”

Why are you even bothering with her anymore? Trying to spoil your wedding day is not the behaviour of a friend?

Original poster
Breakfastbitch · 22/08/2022 11:24

I’ve never actually confronted her about it as in the aftermath of the wedding we don’t to dwell on it and let this forever be associated with our wedding day. Also, I know it would just be explained away as nothing done/said was concrete. It was a general vibe that she would likely say I was imagining and As I didn’t see the blanking incident it would just be Dh word against DFs. I don’t see how bringing it up with her would help matters. It would just intensify the rift between them.

I have tried to back off to some extent. However as I say a lot of my interactions with DF involve other people so I act normally to not make it awkward for others.

I have said to DH that I would cut ties if I he asked me to. But while he gets upset he acknowledges this would be very difficult and he wouldn’t ask me to do that. Really I think it’s just a sad situation we’ll have to live with and there’s nothing to be done. But I was interested to see other peoples views.

OP posts:
PeekabooAtTheZoo · 22/08/2022 11:24

Also anyone who puts you in this sort of situation and demands loyalty is not someone who cares about you or your best interests. Don’t let other people’s Eastenders logic make you stay with someone who will ruin your life. You know you’re right. That’s why you posted.

MistyBean · 22/08/2022 11:26

I would her try and stick to seeing her in group situations, no need for you to cut off from everyone and everything. If she is as awful as your post makes out then surely others will have noticed and not blame you for taking half a step back. But no need to make a big statement about it or actually fall out with her, just gradually adjust three dynamic.

TooHotToTangoToo · 22/08/2022 11:28

I'm with your dh on this, anyone who goes out to be difficult and sullen on your wedding day isn't a friend. I'd not see her in a 121 basis, and only see her when you are mutual friends or doing your hobby

MistyBean · 22/08/2022 11:29

Just to add clarity to my above statement though, I'm assuming the fall out between your husband and friend is not because she noticed any red flags from him and his behaviour towards you? I.e she doesn't have concerns that he is abusive?

MichelleScarn · 22/08/2022 11:29

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 22/08/2022 11:21

Have you only got his side of things? It sound like he’s actually trying to cut you off from your support network. He feeds you all the things about her that he has issues with then he ‘insists’ she is invited so he’s the good guy. Personally I’d get an annulment and keep the friend.

But the friend is the one causing the issues? Well the majority. Youd seriously suggest a divorce?

op any chance it's a jealousy thing?

Arenanewbie · 22/08/2022 11:30

Your friend behaved badly towards you on your wedding day so I would cut friendship just for this, too much drama and attention seeking.
I think your loyalty should be with your DH unless he behaves rudely (and he actually wasn’t) Does he want you to give up hobby groups? It wouldn’t say yes to this.However
as @Luckingfovely suggested you could back away from too close personal friendship and just be civil in a wider group.