To be pissed off at my tight husband

[Bunnyfuller]

It’s my birthday next week, I will be 55. On DH’s birthday I got him some apple EarPods, from Wowcher, admittedly, but all the same a well over £100 gift, cheapie lunch out.

After 21 years of no effort at a surprise, I’ve resigned myself to booking/choosing anything myself and he just doesn’t. So I booked a restaurant on a night when there’s a deal - 3 course set menu. His first words were ‘we’re not having alcohol, right?’

I’ve cancelled the booking, what’s the fun going out with someone who clearly resents getting their hand in their pocket. It’s not that I would have demanded 3 cocktails and a bottle of fizz, it’s just him saying that as the opener that has pissed me off.

Teenage DD’s working over my birthday, so yet another year where ‘hope you’re spoilt’ is a fucking sick joke. No family nearby, both sets of parents not a farthing to Ru together.

I feel invisible and unloved. 😐yes, I’m a adult, but just long for one year where a birthday IS a special day, for me, just once.

Wow. Straight to swearing about someone you've never met.

What a miserable, mean SOB. I'd be waving goodbye to him, tbh

Bingo

Well that wine comment is going to cost him a lot in a divorce,

I would start laying the groundwork with your dds about how your father really treats you.

I think they are old enough to start working out what is going on in their parents marriage.
I would also start by saying that their birthday and Christmas gifts are from their mother. Not their Mother and father.

I would also tell them you cancelled your booking with the restaurant as their father wasn’t interested in celebrating. I would be honest that the wine comment came across that he didn’t want to be there as it was going to cost too much.
Subtle things that show that you are the underdog

Surely your dc could go out and celebrate with you after work.

Personally, even if you only go up the road and sit in the car on your phone for 3 hours drinking lemonade out of a bottle I would get dressed up and start leaving your Dh at home and go out.

Even doing a night class or going to the pub for a Tizer or even getting an evening job. Just anything rather than being sat at home with a tight git who puts looking after the pennies above his wife’s happiness without the thought that if his wife isn’t happy, a glass of wine over dinner was going to cost him less than losing 1/2 the house, his pension and savings and everything else he owns.

Get yourself all dressed up nice on your birthday and waltz out the door without a word. Meet up with a friend or take yourself out for a nice dinner, DRINKS, and a movie. Don’t forget to shop for a gift! Let him wonder (or not) where you are.

Show your spouse this thread. Ask if he understands why you are upset. Ask him to organise a nice birthday splurge for you. Be thankful when he does and enjoy the occasion.

Reported

An unhappy marriage isn't a problem?

Sorry, I meant to quote this one.

And? Bit of an odd thing to say on an unhappy marriage thread. Do you say the same on threads with abuse. They should.be grateful for it because at least they have a home.

I'll come too. I love going out for dinner and wine is the best bit.

Agree. Show him you don't need him or his poxy non-gift.

Head held high and out you go.

I would be so angry, so disappointed !

He is telling you loud & clear, that you are worth zero effort

Arrange something every day/eve on your birthday for a week or a month with your family, friends, work colleagues

Tell us where you are & we will meet you !

Don't wait 5 years, end this relationship

You deserve more

Get angry

Well, I woke up to chuckle at ‘but Ukraine’. Maybe that’s the Moonpig card my DH would send if he could bother his selfish arse. ‘Happy Birthday, at least you’re not in a war zone’.

jesus, what was I whinging about?!

I know what everyone else is saying is right, I mailed him a couple of the replies from here, he’s now not speaking to me.

what an idiot I am.

You're not an idiot OP. You've been kind to him and he hasn't reciprocated.

I was guilty of a lack of effort 5 years into my marriage.I remember my wife coming home one day and saying "not wishing me a happy birthday"and the look of sadness on her face.I blamed it on being too busy with our new born daughter but that was a pathetic excuse.That was 12 years ago and ive made her birthdays special ever since.Dont throw away a 21 year relationship on the advice of people on here but life is too short .

No no no @Bunnyfuller you are not the idiot. Change your mind set. You deserve to be loved and appreciated and shown respect.

You really aren’t an idiot OP, but as numerous people have said on here you do deserve far better than the way you are being treated.

I don’t say LTB often, if ever. But life is over in the blink of an eye, don’t waste time being miserable.

Amazingly, people are capable of thinking of being concerned with more than one thing at a time.

Do you go onto all the other threads on MN that you don't think are a worthy problem and comment similarly?

When is your birthday Op?

You’re definitely not an idiot and I think it’s clear this is only the tip of the iceberg, so I understand why the lack of birthday planning runs deep. I’m sorry you are going through this, you absolutely deserve to feel celebrated and loved everyday and especially your birthday. If you would like a virtual meet up- I’d be more than happy to do that and I mean that sincerely ☺️

So he has deigned to speak and declared ‘I don’t want presents, I don’t want all this grief’. I then asked him to reimburse me for the Apple earbuds I got him for his birthday in July (Wowcher, not full price!). He tried to quibble about the amount. Unbelievable.

What are you getting out of this relationship? Anything?

My last partner allowed me to pay for my own birthday after I'd taken him to afternoon tea at the Ritz for his.
He's an ex.
I refuse to be with tight men any more

Daybreak02 · Today 00:11

True, but it's still hard to treat this as a real problem. Kharkiv has real problems.

^ if life is a competition to you then I'd say there are places in the world where people have had far greater problems for centuries. What an odd outlook to have on life.

If you're on Mumsnet choosing to use your time to bash people asking for support about their marital difficulties it sounds like you too have problems. Do you want the rules to be don't ever start a thread here unless you are dying or without a home and running water?