To be pissed off at my tight husband

[Bunnyfuller]

It’s my birthday next week, I will be 55. On DH’s birthday I got him some apple EarPods, from Wowcher, admittedly, but all the same a well over £100 gift, cheapie lunch out.

After 21 years of no effort at a surprise, I’ve resigned myself to booking/choosing anything myself and he just doesn’t. So I booked a restaurant on a night when there’s a deal - 3 course set menu. His first words were ‘we’re not having alcohol, right?’

I’ve cancelled the booking, what’s the fun going out with someone who clearly resents getting their hand in their pocket. It’s not that I would have demanded 3 cocktails and a bottle of fizz, it’s just him saying that as the opener that has pissed me off.

Teenage DD’s working over my birthday, so yet another year where ‘hope you’re spoilt’ is a fucking sick joke. No family nearby, both sets of parents not a farthing to Ru together.

I feel invisible and unloved. 😐yes, I’m a adult, but just long for one year where a birthday IS a special day, for me, just once.

He sounds a right tosser

You've never met him, but you've judged him.

LOVE this!!! Ditto x

He sounds like really hard work and very selfish.
Could you book a lovely day with a few friends and go enjoy it? He sounds like the type who'd suck the fun out of whatever you're doing anyway.

@Bakebean

it says “a cut apple”’ - it has already been cut.

is this the right thread you intended to post on 😂🙈

@Daybreak02, just because someone else has it bad doesn't mean the OP doesn't deserve to be treated with love and respect by her family. The bar doesn't need to be set at 'at least you aren't in a war zone'. We are allowed to aim for better than that.

True, but it's still hard to treat this as a real problem. Kharkiv has real problems.

As you said, his family didn't "do" birthdays. So he doesn't know how or it's not been part of his makeup. You've had long enough to get used to it!

If he's no good for you generally then that's a different problem.

OP, I hear every single thing you're saying 💐
Weird parallels - I'm 55 too on my next birthday, every single year is a washout as 'D'H doesn't think birthdays are worth bothering with - so never get treated to a meal out, no gifts, I do usually get a card that is hastily purchased and written just before it's handed over. I have a beautiful 21 yo DD who has quite profound LD and so it's out of her hands to plan anything for me. This year I was disappointed yet again (why do I think it will be any different !) and so took myself off to the nearest town, bought a sandwich, ate it in the car and then had a mooch around the shops.
And, just to add to the list, I'm in Staffs and would bloody love to drive over and help you celebrate your birthday ! x

Why don’t you book yourself something exciting solo or with a friend?

A spa
A dancing lesson
go ape?!

Best wishes and happy birthday OP x

the correct answer is "tree".
Scissors are a refined version of a knife
Paper is a refined version of a tree.

Scissors/Paper = Knife/Tree

The "correct" answer you stated makes no sense -- in this context "cut bread" is no different than a "cut apple" (or "cut any other type of food") so neither of those can be correct. So you are rightfully confused.

@Daybreak02 But it is a real problem for the OP. Her other posts suggest the marriage has multiple issues, enough for her to have a five year plan to end it. How bad does it have to be before it gets to her enough to post here for support? Physically abusive? It is ok for us all to have problems and for them to not be the literal worst problems in the world but for them to still be problems. The OPs husband sounds like a nasty prick with no respect for his wife and who is potentially financially abusive. To me that is a problem and belittling her situation just seems cruel.

Your dh's first reaction sounds rather mean.

Anyway I'm in Northants, if you do want to go out :-)

Happy birthday for next week.

Several of us have asked if you have separate finances but OP has chosen to ignore that question. But it is the key element here.

If the finances are separate then the husband has no right whatsoever to tell OP that she can’t have wine at the restaurant. Go to the restaurant. Eat the meal. Order all the wine you want to buy with your own money. If he doesn’t want to buy wine, he doesn’t have to. But he shouldn’t be stopping you.

If the finances are shared, then why are you allowing him to dictate to you how they are spent when they are as much your finances as they are his, OP?

Whichever way round it is, why are you tolerating this, OP?

The Idea, that you suggest, of a marriage with poor communication naturally leading to PHYSICAL abuse, is ridiculous and possibly a sign that someone is projecting. I hope that both partners are fair and responsive but I don't see how it's a gender thing.

For crying out loud 🙈

@Daybreak02 Please re-read my post. That's not remotely close to what I have said. Any of it.
No projecting here in the slightest, I just didn't want the OP to be left feeling worse than she did with your ridiculous whataboutery. She has received great support and advice from the vipers and there was no need to tell her her problems aren't important.

Mate.....I know, right?

"I have a broken leg so stop moaning about your broken ankle" FFS

OP you deserve far, far more than being treated this way.

book yourself in for a spa and sod them all. Have a good think about it all while you are away.

Oh bore off !!!

Why not go on to the Ukraine threads to offer your solidarity?

OP, don't wait 5 years. I doubt, as PP said, that you'll manage that length of time anyway. Make plans now, it's all doable. Thinking of you.. xx