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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel a bit shakey after ds 10s behaviour

644 replies

BearGryllsDad · 21/08/2022 16:19

For reasons I won't go into I had to take the DCs into town with me to do some exercise. Afterward I took them into M and S as I wanted to check out the sale and get the kids a meal in the cafe (kids eat free, or one does anyway). I have never heard so much moaning and playing up as this from ds who is 10 nearly 11. At one point he was crying because he finished his food and leave even though I still had food on my plate and my drink. His little brother was happily entertaining himself, but ds was making a scene to the extent some people were noticing.

Then whilst I had a quick look arousnd the sale items, mum, mum, mum I want to go. Mum, mum, mum. You said one shop. And on and on he went. I told him to give me five minutes, but he couldn't. At one point he lay on the floor feigning something. He started winding up his younger brother calling him a weirdo and sniggering at him. Pointing out pink t shirts and saying they were for him. In the end I told him to stop as he was being infuriating. I didn't loose my temper and kept it together. But I am sitting at home feeling an angry, shakey mess. I've even had a few tears. I often feels like he tries to control things and play up if we have to run errands or so something that is not centered around him. As soon as he gets home he plugs into YouTube and that may be part of the problem. I know m and s is boring but should he be able to tolerate 30 minutes of boredom at his age without making such an embarrassing scene?

OP posts:
Wouldloveanother · 21/08/2022 19:36

Pumperthepumper · 21/08/2022 19:34

She’s taught him she’ll punish him afterwards. That’s not a great lesson IMO.

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Well that’s the lesson of adult life - being fired, prison, fines. If we don’t behave. The local council don’t offer to take you to Pizza Hut if you park on double yellows because you got bored looking for a parking space.

Johnnysgirl · 21/08/2022 19:37

Pumperthepumper · 21/08/2022 19:23

It is - so small steps with lots of praise and rewards. Like, ‘today we have to go to the post office and Asda. After that we’ll do X’.

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I don't now how old your children are, Pumper but if they're not actually toddlers, you appear to be treating them as though they are.
Treating 10 year old's like toddlers (and not very bright toddlers at that) is not how you produce well rounded adults.

Pumperthepumper · 21/08/2022 19:37

Wouldloveanother · 21/08/2022 19:36

Well that’s the lesson of adult life - being fired, prison, fines. If we don’t behave. The local council don’t offer to take you to Pizza Hut if you park on double yellows because you got bored looking for a parking space.

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He’s not an adult though. When he’s an adult presumably he’ll be capable of doing something other than following his mum around the shops.

Pumperthepumper · 21/08/2022 19:38

Johnnysgirl · 21/08/2022 19:37

I don't now how old your children are, Pumper but if they're not actually toddlers, you appear to be treating them as though they are.
Treating 10 year old's like toddlers (and not very bright toddlers at that) is not how you produce well rounded adults.

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Should I do what the OP is doing? I’ve got a range of ages of kids.

mountainsunsets · 21/08/2022 19:38

Wouldloveanother · 21/08/2022 19:32

Will their employer be striking such negotiations in 8 years? Offering to take them to Pizza Hut if they can do an hour’s work?

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You go to work to earn a salary. That's the trade-off. Work all day and earn money to spend however you like. And yes, many adults do negotiate with their employers - part-time hours, compressed weeks, TOIL, higher salaries for their work etc.

So, by your own logic, why shouldn't the DS have a trade-off for spending most his day traipsing around after his mum while she ran errands?

Yes, she promised football but that's one activity for the kids vs. several for OP. And it didn't work because everyone ended up upset and with frayed tempers.

So maybe next time there needs to be more compromise so that everyone goes home happy.

DucklingDaisy · 21/08/2022 19:41

If I was with a friend for the day and had to sit and watch her do an exercise class, Id think she was taking the piss if she then rounded it off by browsing the sales in a shop I couldn’t be less interested in. I agree kids need to learn to be bored sometimes, and the behaviour was bad, but I can imagine feeling like that was going SO slowing as a child. A lot of posters are forgetting he’s already sat through the class. And that’s without a phone like most adults would have in that situation. Imagine e.g. waiting an hour for a doctors appointment without a phone. Then watching your husband browse a very boring shop after that. It would be annoying.

mountainsunsets · 21/08/2022 19:41

Wouldloveanother · 21/08/2022 19:36

Well that’s the lesson of adult life - being fired, prison, fines. If we don’t behave. The local council don’t offer to take you to Pizza Hut if you park on double yellows because you got bored looking for a parking space.

Show quote history

It's not really comparable to being fined or fired, though.

When it comes to free time, adults generally have much more choice over what they do. They can stay at home if they don't want to be dragged round the shops. They can choose where they go for lunch and whether they want to browse the sales or not. I don't know many adults who would choose to spend their Sundays following someone else around while they went to the gym and did errands.

thingsarestrange · 21/08/2022 19:44

Pumperthepumper · 21/08/2022 19:37

He’s not an adult though. When he’s an adult presumably he’ll be capable of doing something other than following his mum around the shops.

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When do you start trainjng a child for adult life? I would suggest when they are a child!

Pumperthepumper · 21/08/2022 19:45

thingsarestrange · 21/08/2022 19:44

When do you start trainjng a child for adult life? I would suggest when they are a child!

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Me too! And setting them up to fail isn’t the way to do that.

mbosnz · 21/08/2022 19:45

Cripes, I remember having to sit through a couple of very tedious hours at church every Sunday as a three year old! If you want boredom, there it is. And a hard wooden bench. And God was so not gonna help you if you so much as sniffed funny. . .

mountainsunsets · 21/08/2022 19:50

mbosnz · 21/08/2022 19:45

Cripes, I remember having to sit through a couple of very tedious hours at church every Sunday as a three year old! If you want boredom, there it is. And a hard wooden bench. And God was so not gonna help you if you so much as sniffed funny. . .

I mean, I remember that too.

I didn't "prepare me for adult life" - it just meant that as soon as I had the choice, I never stepped foot in a boring church again.

Wouldloveanother · 21/08/2022 19:51

If you think ‘setting a ten year old up to fail’ means taking them to a cafe and then to a shop Pumper, I will be very interested to see how your kids fare when they’re adults and their boss doesn’t suggest breaking the day up with a trip to Pizza Hut and a run in the park.

Wouldloveanother · 21/08/2022 19:52

mountainsunsets · 21/08/2022 19:41

It's not really comparable to being fined or fired, though.

When it comes to free time, adults generally have much more choice over what they do. They can stay at home if they don't want to be dragged round the shops. They can choose where they go for lunch and whether they want to browse the sales or not. I don't know many adults who would choose to spend their Sundays following someone else around while they went to the gym and did errands.

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You seem to be confusing children for small adults. They’re not.

mountainsunsets · 21/08/2022 19:56

Wouldloveanother · 21/08/2022 19:52

You seem to be confusing children for small adults. They’re not.

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I know they're not Hmm

But there are loads of posters seem to be saying that it's "good preparation for adult life" for children to spend their Sundays being dragged on errands with mum - but since becoming an adult, I've certainly never spend my free time following other people around while they do errands.

It doesn't really teach kids anything to be bored in shops, IMO. Is it a necessity sometimes? Absolutely, but let's not pretend it's some amazing life lesson that's a vital thing to learn for them to be well-rounded adults.

housepilot · 21/08/2022 19:57

At some stage (I'd suggest now) removing YouTube and free iPad access is not a punishment. It's necessary for the child's emotional well-being and development. It should be removed not as a consequence of his behaviour but because the behaviour is a consequence of the continuous access.

mbosnz · 21/08/2022 19:58

I tend to find church quite soothing these days. . .

I think it did prepare me for life in that I knew from a very young age that there was bugger all point in rolling about the floor tantrumming because Mum had dragged me to her exercise class (I don't believe we know how they were able to entertain themselves, have we been told there were no tablets or phones involved?), then forced me to have lunch somewhere I could have a bit of cake, and then browsed through some sales racks.

It prepared me for when she was in her seventies and I was driving her to all the shops she wanted to go to, before going back to the first one, to get the one true lamp, lol.

Kid's gotta learn sometime.

mountainsunsets · 21/08/2022 19:59

Wouldloveanother · 21/08/2022 19:51

If you think ‘setting a ten year old up to fail’ means taking them to a cafe and then to a shop Pumper, I will be very interested to see how your kids fare when they’re adults and their boss doesn’t suggest breaking the day up with a trip to Pizza Hut and a run in the park.

You're missing half of the day, though. It' wasn't just "shops and lunch".

And as an adult, I'd definitely be pretty unimpressed if I didn't get my break at work, or was expected to work overtime for no renumeration.

As a working adult, your compensation for doing your job is a salary to spend as you like. You're also free to request a pay-rise, ask for part-time/compressed hours or find a new job if you're unhappy. So, your day is broken up (by breaks) and the reward is your salary and being able to spend your free time however you like.

Wouldloveanother · 21/08/2022 20:00

It isn’t because they’ll be repeating those exact activities Mountain. It’s because it’s good to build up tolerance, patience, an ability to entertain oneself and not have to only be constantly engaged in activities that you find fun or rewarding. I’m not suggesting a day in a workhouse, but I don’t think a walk around the shops is too much to ask of a ten year old.

Wouldloveanother · 21/08/2022 20:00

It isn’t because they’ll be repeating those exact activities Mountain. It’s because it’s good to build up tolerance, patience, an ability to entertain oneself and not have to only be constantly engaged in activities that you find fun or rewarding. I’m not suggesting a day in a workhouse, but I don’t think a walk around the shops is too much to ask of a ten year old.

mountainsunsets · 21/08/2022 20:03

Wouldloveanother · 21/08/2022 20:00

It isn’t because they’ll be repeating those exact activities Mountain. It’s because it’s good to build up tolerance, patience, an ability to entertain oneself and not have to only be constantly engaged in activities that you find fun or rewarding. I’m not suggesting a day in a workhouse, but I don’t think a walk around the shops is too much to ask of a ten year old.

But as an adult, you don't have to be tolerant of being dragged round the shops/waiting while someone does an exercise class.

I mean, I suspect most adults would be pretty pissed off to spend their weekends following a friend/partner around while they entertained themselves for hours on end. They'd bugger off to the pub/Costa or go home instead, not put up with hours of boredom.

I'm not saying that being dragged around the shops isn't part of being a child sometimes, but I don't understand why people are so keen to pretend that it's some big, important life lesson.

Pumperthepumper · 21/08/2022 20:04

Wouldloveanother · 21/08/2022 20:00

It isn’t because they’ll be repeating those exact activities Mountain. It’s because it’s good to build up tolerance, patience, an ability to entertain oneself and not have to only be constantly engaged in activities that you find fun or rewarding. I’m not suggesting a day in a workhouse, but I don’t think a walk around the shops is too much to ask of a ten year old.

Why do you keep minimising how much time he had to spend following his mum around? It undermines your point a lot.

Wouldloveanother · 21/08/2022 20:06

I’m not minimising it. It was a few hours at best broken up by lunch. Why are you intent on making it seem like OP sent her son to a workhouse for the day?

Pumperthepumper · 21/08/2022 20:07

Wouldloveanother · 21/08/2022 20:06

I’m not minimising it. It was a few hours at best broken up by lunch. Why are you intent on making it seem like OP sent her son to a workhouse for the day?

It was an hour of hanging on plus cafe plus sale shopping. It wasn’t ‘a walk around the shops’.

Wouldloveanother · 21/08/2022 20:07

Pumperthepumper · 21/08/2022 20:07

It was an hour of hanging on plus cafe plus sale shopping. It wasn’t ‘a walk around the shops’.

Show quote history

That’s what I said, a few hours at most broken up by lunch. Not even a full day.

tinx · 21/08/2022 20:08

BearGryllsDad · 21/08/2022 16:19

For reasons I won't go into I had to take the DCs into town with me to do some exercise. Afterward I took them into M and S as I wanted to check out the sale and get the kids a meal in the cafe (kids eat free, or one does anyway). I have never heard so much moaning and playing up as this from ds who is 10 nearly 11. At one point he was crying because he finished his food and leave even though I still had food on my plate and my drink. His little brother was happily entertaining himself, but ds was making a scene to the extent some people were noticing.

Then whilst I had a quick look arousnd the sale items, mum, mum, mum I want to go. Mum, mum, mum. You said one shop. And on and on he went. I told him to give me five minutes, but he couldn't. At one point he lay on the floor feigning something. He started winding up his younger brother calling him a weirdo and sniggering at him. Pointing out pink t shirts and saying they were for him. In the end I told him to stop as he was being infuriating. I didn't loose my temper and kept it together. But I am sitting at home feeling an angry, shakey mess. I've even had a few tears. I often feels like he tries to control things and play up if we have to run errands or so something that is not centered around him. As soon as he gets home he plugs into YouTube and that may be part of the problem. I know m and s is boring but should he be able to tolerate 30 minutes of boredom at his age without making such an embarrassing scene?

gosh I feel bad for you

Your child needs to be getting himself straight. My child is the same age as your son almost 11 !! At his age he should be able to say “ok mum, I will help you in the shop” not acting like a Cookie Monster

if I were you I’d confiscate everything and let him sit in his room staring at the wall until he behaved in an appropriate manner