Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner’s teenagers

317 replies

PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 14:32

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. We are a same sex couple. We have started living together for the first time this summer. This is a temporary summer only arrangement so we can spend more time together.

I am not working this summer, my partner is still working full time.

I take care of 90% or more of the household chores, including hoovering, bathroom, kitchen, dishes, changing sheets… My partner handles cooking of evening dinners, I then clean up. My partner also does about 40 or 50% of clothes washing, hanging, and putting away.

We split household food and outings costs. I am still paying all bills for my own home. My partner does not want me to contribute to bills, although I have offered.

My partner has a child, 15 years old living with us 50% of the time. There is an older sibling who is with us ad hoc weekends and holidays. Both young people have significant others who often stay over weekends. None do any household chores at all.

The 15 year old has been attending a summer school 5 days a week and gets up very early for this. Usually my partner wakes up at the same time and they spend some quality time chatting.

This morning, my partner seemed rather annoyed and asked what my plans were for the day, I said apart from the usual chores, air was going to play it by ear… my partner said I should offer to do more, for example getting up with 15 year old in the morning so they are not alone before leaving the house, and which would allow my partner a lie-in.

I felt this was said in a hostile manner, almost like an order to do this, and somehow I felt uncomfortable, especially given it was said in the context of suggesting I am not doing enough. I feel I do rather a lot, part of it is cleaning up after the children.

Is it me who is being unreasonable? I am willing to look at this from different angles before speaking with my partner this evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 23:35

Rowen32 · 21/08/2022 22:49

Omg OP, this is getting worse and worse. Please stand up for yourself and sit where you want, my goodness, this is your life!!

Show quote history

Well, if someone is making you a lavish breakfast, you don’t want to quibble about where to sit, you’re trying to be polite, and someone is actually feeding you… but yes, it was uncomfortable, but you want to try to have a non awkward start to the weekend… because it’s just not a big enough thing to make a fuss about, and it would make me feel childish to demand a particular seat, even if she is the one who has created the situation and is making us feel like small children.

OP posts:
Original poster
PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 23:36

Littleorangeflowers · 21/08/2022 22:48

Well that situation does not sound good.

How does the projection serve her? Well it means she can keep her view of herself intact and she doesn't have to process what to her are difficult feelings.

If you're somebody that likes to see yourself as strong for example, sometimes you need someone to play the weak part. Or sometimes you get someone who is organised in a relationship with someone who isn't, and as the relationship goes on, the roles polarise - one gets more organised while the other gets more chaotic. That's a crude example but it's so people can keep their self image split. Or sometimes you get a perfectly sane organised person in a relationship with someone who relies heavily on projection and over time, the originally perfectly sane organised person completely falls apart under the weight of the other person's projections. (Although there is usually something about the person who has fallen apart's psychology that has kind of allowed the projection to take hold.) Basically It's so the person who relies heavily on projection can disown anything they can't bear which could be anything.

It's complicated basically and difficult to wrap up in a sentence or two. As for punishing that part of her that's been projected onto /into you, technically that could happen but I wouldn't like to comment to that extent on here. I mean you can get couples that are kind of narcissistic/ sadistic and then borderline/masochistic yes but within masochism there is sadism, you're just the object so it's called masochism. Complex!

Drama triangle is also a good one. Karpman triangle it's sometimes called...

This super interesting, thank you so much!

OP posts:
Original poster
PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 23:53

Littleorangeflowers · 21/08/2022 23:02

Yes I'm with @Rowen32 you've kind of lost your centre getting drawn into analysing her. Come back to you. Do you like what's happening? No. Much easier. Don't get drawn into well she has to do this because... or she wants me and teen to sit together at the breakfast bar because... Before you know it, you'll be all, well she had a long marriage and it was shit and he did this and she did this and bla bla she treats me like shit because of x y z . Total wormhole.

Ah. Understood. Good wake-up call.

Yes, it is a bit like getting lost at sea.

I didn’t think I was the type to be abused. I did tell her extremely firmly to be quiet that night, so I’m not easily intimidated, never have been, and I’m not scared of her or her reactions in the least, but I do like to enjoy a peaceful life.

I think I’ll pack up and head home in the morning, and take some time away from the situation to look on it with fresh eyes. Moving in is definitely cancelled forever. I’m simply thinking about if this is in any way salvageable if we went back to dating later on… all the aggro has happened in her house!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2022 23:56

PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 23:35

Well, if someone is making you a lavish breakfast, you don’t want to quibble about where to sit, you’re trying to be polite, and someone is actually feeding you… but yes, it was uncomfortable, but you want to try to have a non awkward start to the weekend… because it’s just not a big enough thing to make a fuss about, and it would make me feel childish to demand a particular seat, even if she is the one who has created the situation and is making us feel like small children.

Show quote history

Sorry, op, this is about you not having strong, healthy boundaries. Just because someone is cooking you breakfast does not give them the right to dictate where you sit, and you should be assertive enough to say, "No love, I don't want to sit there, it's uncomfortable." An adult with proper boundaries would never allow their partner to tell them when they can wash dishes or have a shower. You stay quiet to avoid conflict and this is exactly what appeals to your partner. I'm afraid she saw you coming.

huuskymam · 21/08/2022 23:59

The only reason I got up with my teens were to give them a lift to school. Teens are more than capable of sorting themselves out in the mornings. And most of the time I'd barely get a hello from the bed heads, not very chatting when just out of bed. Doesn't your partner need to get up for work anyway??

Original poster
PostcardsFromPalma · 22/08/2022 00:07

Quitelikeit · 21/08/2022 23:09

Could it be that she expects you to fulfil a traditional male type role within the home and her life??

you say she was married to her husband for years but maybe dynamics are very different in sane sex relationships and she just can’t grasp why you are not stepping into that role

you know she seems to be expecting you to parent her children, really fulfil that role and also she seems to resent you when you don’t fulfil that role

I think your boundaries are being tested, your gut is screaming out and luckily you have reached out

you need to let her know where your lines are, if she can’t live within them then you either move them - possibly becoming unhappy to accommodate her or she changes her expectations of you

Yes, I’ve wondered this. She’s never had a relationship with a woman before. I think she’s clueless about the dynamics. I think in her mind she perhaps thinks being in a relationship with gay woman will not be dissimilar to having a husband and father in the house, but a domesticated and nurturing one, who is also perhaps as rampant as a young man.

The other stereotypes being that a woman is allowed to be emotional and dramatic and perhaps irrational, and I should take the opposing role of the man as the strong silent one who is able to take it. I am usually calm and logical but I’m not a man. I believe that’s exactly what her husband must have done… hence the cowardly part, because he didn’t want to get into it with her when there were upsets.

I believe all roles within the realty are up for discussion and there is no fixed type or expectations thereof.

I do not subscribe to either of the traditional rolls, and definitely not the stereotypes. Perhaps she hasn’t seen the real me yet, due to all the projections. Apart from being a man or a woman, gay or straight, I am an individual.

OP posts:
Original poster
PostcardsFromPalma · 22/08/2022 00:20

Apollonia1 · 21/08/2022 23:17

Do you need her for something?
I'm trying to work out why you haven't just laughed at her demands, and left.

Only that I loved her, and we’d had a wonderful relationship until recently.

It’s all changed rather quickly, and recent happenings have been like a string of pearls falling one after the other. I’m just processing and understanding what’s happened.

OP posts:
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 22/08/2022 02:00

PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 23:35

Well, if someone is making you a lavish breakfast, you don’t want to quibble about where to sit, you’re trying to be polite, and someone is actually feeding you… but yes, it was uncomfortable, but you want to try to have a non awkward start to the weekend… because it’s just not a big enough thing to make a fuss about, and it would make me feel childish to demand a particular seat, even if she is the one who has created the situation and is making us feel like small children.

Show quote history

She's making a lavish breakfast because she enjoys cooking and the oohs and aahs of appreciation she'll no doubt receive from you. It's all about her enjoyment, if it was truly for your benefit she'd let you sit in the comfy chair and you'd be free to stick your plates in the dishwasher afterwards.

My abusive exH used to do lots of very nice things for me. I went to my GP with depression and they referred me for counselling, something that ex strongly disapproved of as "left wing nonsense." I went anyway and genuinely believed it when I told my counsellor "he would do anything for me" to which she asked "did he support you coming here?" The realisation that everything my ex did for me was 100% on his terms hit me like a bolt from the blue. The fact that I happened to like the nice things he did do for me was neither here nor there - there are many more things I would or could have liked instead but if he didn't agree or approve or judge them as worthwhile in his eyes then it wasn't allowed. He didn't respect me as a person who was entitled to make my own choices, instead he gave me what he deemed appropriate - whether that be chores or treats - and I should be damn grateful that he cared enough to want what was best for me.

Even after I left him I still had trouble getting my head around just how bad things had been until the guidelines around coercive control came out a few years ago and I realised he ticked almost every box.

I'm now with a man who loves me without all the conditional strings attached.

Stopthebusplease · 22/08/2022 02:55

Quite bluntly OP, I would run for the hills. You've now see what your partner is really like, and have had time to see if you're compatible on a live in basis, you're clearly not, so please don't do what so many abused women do, and stay in the relationship in the hopes it will change back to how it was in the honeymoon phase. Time to move on, and find someone who you are more compatible with. Life it far too short to waste it on relationships that aren't worthwhile.

Grumpusaurus · 22/08/2022 06:00

@PostcardsFromPalma I followed your thread from the start and had a few concerns but your recent update is really alarming! If your partner was a man and had turned on the light so inconsiderately and then kicked you rather sharpish, there would have been far more of a chorus of 'leave the bastard'! Your partner is actually physically abusive and is escalating her behaviour. She is seething with resentment and ramping up the ante. And what the fuck about making you wash up, when there is a actually a dishwasher! What an A-Grade controlling cunt! It uses a lot less water, not to mention cuts your workload considerably. Again that is actual bordering on domestic abuse too, designed to punish you for less sex on tap. Once again, if this was a dude, there would be a lot more uproar about that too. Please do go back to your own home, your peaceful sanctuary and really have a long hard think about whether you want to stay in such a toxic and abusive relationship. Of course, she has done nice things, again that is something that many women in abusive relationships are confused about. It is a total mindfuck while she is gaslighting you too! Run Op, run as far way from her as possible!

Goldfishmountainclimber · 22/08/2022 06:40

I hope your moving out goes ok, op. Stay strong. You are doing the right thing.

farmerboy · 22/08/2022 07:24

I agree that some time apart might help you see things more clearly

billy1966 · 22/08/2022 07:36

You sound so thoughtful OP, and patient.

As others have said, most would balk at the assignment of full time skivvy role the minute you got through the door.

Her assaulting you while you were asleep was so vicious as was the turning the lights on.

She undoubtedly has huge anger issues when she doesn't get what she wants.

It can be very upsetting to view yourself in an abusive dynamic, buyt you really are.

She assaulted you when you were asleep which is reserved for a special type of devious scum.

So this narrative may take time getting your head about, but it is the truth.

I am so glad to read you are packing up and returning home, thank god you have.

Please reach out for support from those who really care for you.

Be wary of hysterics, crying, manipulation and disbelief from her, even threats of self harm.

She may try and pull all types of stunts to keep her skivvy under control.

Just get home safely.

JulesCobb · 22/08/2022 08:20

Omg op she is incredibly controlling. Go home. Dont waster your summer.

By the way, it was her idea for me to join her in her home, and she doesn’t like it if I go somewhere without her even for a couple of hours. this is completely unacceptable, although there is something unacceptable about her behaviour in every single post you've added!

AhNowTed · 22/08/2022 09:11

@DebussytoaDiscoBeat

That's very insightful. Well done you Flowers

Onlyhuman123 · 22/08/2022 09:13

I think I’ll pack up and head home in the morning, and take some time away from the situation to look on it with fresh eyes. Moving in is definitely cancelled forever. I’m simply thinking about if this is in any way salvageable if we went back to dating later on… all the aggro has happened in her house!

Just move out; don't 'think you'll pack up and head home in the morning'; please, you must move out. I hope you are actually packing/moving right now.

Each update you've provided is getting more and more sinister. She sounds very resentful that you aren't working so is starting to be more aggressive and abusive as time goes on. It won't be long before she's screaming at you over any misconceived 'slight' and doing far more than kicking you in your sleep.

Tell me where you live; I'll come and pack up for you!! 💐

Aroundthebend · 22/08/2022 09:43

I hope you are back in your own home now, you may need to set a very strong boundary with your partner to ensure you get some time to reflect and make your decisions. I suspect they will react very strongly to you leaving and bombard you with messages that will swing from adoring you, I can’t be without you and come back now to one’s of anger and get out of my life and a tirade of what they did for you and what they perceive as your negative traits, this will swing around like a merry go round.
you may need to set a no contact whatsoever boundary until your ready to speak/discuss , although, you may want to keep the non contact in place forever!
remember, this is not about you, she wants her needs met at the expense of yours, she wants to control the relationship and wants you to follow her unwritten rules of compliance. You cannot reason with people like this as they will always default to their need for control and it will always come down to them wanting the control of you, subtly and explicitly,

Redshoeblueshoe · 22/08/2022 09:43

I agree with everything Billy says. I think she is very angry. I doubt her husband was a coward, but I think when she was arguing with him he walked away, because he knows that she is irrational.

Original poster
PostcardsFromPalma · 22/08/2022 11:08

billy1966 · 22/08/2022 07:36

You sound so thoughtful OP, and patient.

As others have said, most would balk at the assignment of full time skivvy role the minute you got through the door.

Her assaulting you while you were asleep was so vicious as was the turning the lights on.

She undoubtedly has huge anger issues when she doesn't get what she wants.

It can be very upsetting to view yourself in an abusive dynamic, buyt you really are.

She assaulted you when you were asleep which is reserved for a special type of devious scum.

So this narrative may take time getting your head about, but it is the truth.

I am so glad to read you are packing up and returning home, thank god you have.

Please reach out for support from those who really care for you.

Be wary of hysterics, crying, manipulation and disbelief from her, even threats of self harm.

She may try and pull all types of stunts to keep her skivvy under control.

Just get home safely.

So I didn’t get much sleep last night. Lots of thinking. My thoughts have really solidified, with other things I’ve remembered and all of your input here (thank you so much), I have risen this morning feeling very upset and angry.

My mind is made up, the relationship is over for me. It’s beyond salvaging in any way shape or form. I was already rethinking a lot of things when I posted and was teetering on that edge, posting here has helped organise my emotionally charged thoughts and clarified things for me.

She is working from home today. Once she was in her office, I quietly started packing my stuff away into two small bags in the bathroom where she would be unlikely to see before I was finished. Once I had filled them with the more important of my stuff, I set them by the door to go and talk to her.

I have said I am unhappy and upset about a number of things and need to leave back to my own place to have some space, that I need some time away on my own. I did not want a confrontation and preferred not to tell her just then that it’s over for good.

She immediately piped up saying is this about the food situation? I wasn’t actually thinking of that just now, I had forgotten to mention to you all yesterday… food is a big deal, she eats a very tiny controlled diet, mainly just one meal in the evening. I’ve had almost daily commentary on what I eat for breakfast and lunch, I like to have my three squares.

Going to the supermarket together is not fun at all, what goes into the trolley is closely monitored and there is endless discussion about it if I want something in there and she disapproves. She never outright says she wants me to eat less, but will say there isn’t enough space in the fridge or the kitchen cupboards for certain things I want. Usually I just let it go except for the odd items that I really want, it’s not worth having a 10min discussion about each item.

OP posts:
Littleorangeflowers · 22/08/2022 11:17

Honestly I'm relieved at the way you are seeing it OP! Go you!

You will find someone out there who is just as capable of a secure grown up relationship as you are I'm sure. She's not that person by the sounds of things. I know it's an internet forum but she does sound like a headache and a car crash waiting to happen.

All the best x

Dexysmidnightstroller · 22/08/2022 11:23

Apologies for not reading the full thread, but what is a 15 year old doing with a “significant other” staying over?
The average 15 year old would not be interested in spending time with a parent’s partner in the am.
This all sounds controlling and doesn’t bode well for you I’m afraid.

Stopthebusplease · 22/08/2022 11:26

OP, I am really relieved that you have decided to end the relationship, rather than just going home. This is definitely the right decision, and now you've told us about her controlling what food you eat, well, to me that would really finish me off, as there is no clearer way of saying 'I don't like you as you are, you will have to change to what I want you to be!'. Please come back if it's not too upsetting, to let us know her reaction to your leaving, and as others have said, I think it might be best if you have no further contact once you've left the building. Good luck, and stay strong, you're worth much better than this!

Goldfishmountainclimber · 22/08/2022 11:30

Wow, the food thing that you have just described really confirms that you need to get out of the relationship. I am actually shocked by how bad that is.

Get your possessions out of the building as quickly as possible. You need to escape!

Original poster
PostcardsFromPalma · 22/08/2022 11:31

I said it was about a number of things, not just the food situation… that I felt there was a power imbalance caused by the fact it’s her home and family, and everything having to be done her way.

I told her I needed my independence and freedoms back, and I need to be given some space while I process all of this. She then noticed the bags at the door, and said just how long did I plan to be away... At that point I said I wanted to be in my home for the remainder of summer.

She was utterly astonished, then she laughed, shaking her head, like I’d told her a ridiculous and bad joke. She’s never actually laughed at me like that before, she was leaning sprawled on a console behind her with her hand on her hip. I walked past her, grabbed the bags, and said I hope she has a lovely summer with the kids. I didn’t want to escalate the situation.

She said if that was the case, I better remove every last single thing of mine from her house right then and there. I told her I was traveling home by public transport and that is all I could feasibly carry and I would return for the rest asap. She said she wanted them gone right now… I said sure, if she gave me a bit of time, I would pack up the rest and send it to myself by courier.

Once she saw I wasn’t willing to get into an altercation at all with her and I would fulfil her requirements, no matter how mean (I do want the rest of my stuff out of there too after all, but didn’t want to spend anymore time in the house than I needed to), she said fine, I can return for them later. I think she expected me to be in hysterics that she was basically throwing me out on to the street and maybe I was supposed to panic and beg her not to do it.

The great news is I’m home, and I am so relieved. I had a big wave of relief hit me once I had sat down after my journey, a journey on multiple levels really.

OP posts:
Onlyhuman123 · 22/08/2022 11:39

So pleased you made it home ok. I hope she plays ball with letting you gain access for the rest of your gear OP.