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Original poster

DP putting himself first? I can't get over this one

105 replies

Burntoutmama · 21/08/2022 09:40

Usually me and my husband get on very well. Since being pregnant with my 2nd he has more than pulled his weight with housework and sorting our 3 year old out. But this past week he has really pushed my buttons and I just can't drop it.

He's recently started gymming - already a contentious issue as he works 12 hour shifts so when he does this 3 times a week it means he's not around for any "evening time" until 10ish, which also fucks up dinner. A few weeks ago I found out my mum has terminal cancer and have obvs been struggling emotionally. Last week I had some temporary work on which had really long days and left me absolutely exhausted... I had warned him I needed him to pull his weight with dinners ect that week. So Mon/Tues he's off work, doesn't shop/meal prep ect. All week I ate noodles or ready meals. My son eats baked beans and the likes so hardly much graft for him. Then Friday night comes, off he goes to the gym, comes home and cooks himself a nutritious meal (2nd that week) and doesn't sit down until 10. I just lost it... In all the years I've dieted and exercised he's never got on board and now I'm pregnant dealing with the worst news of my life and he's prioritising the gym and his own nutrition. Doesn't bother to even make me an extra portion for the next day. I storm off... He makes no attempt to follow.

Yesterday I spent the day in bed crying. We had childcare for the first time in months but I just couldn't get past ot to enjoy quality time together. We had a huge row where he just argued with the small details... Couldn't see how his cumulative actions made me feel lonely and insignificant. And I'm double angry he ruined our date night. I also have some simmering anger about a childcare issue that popped up during the week too (as in he does nothing to arrange or ensure childcare is sorted... Apparently as a woman that's my job).

Tell me ... Am I being unreasonable? I just cannot soothe the rage I feel to forgive him and move on. I feel so depressed. Any advice?

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 21/08/2022 09:43

He sounds really selfish and self absorbed. I am so sorry about your mum. Flowers

achillestoes · 21/08/2022 09:47

I wouldn’t be having this. You don’t get to opt out of the family 3 evenings a week when you have a 3 year old and a pregnant wife.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 21/08/2022 09:49

Sadly you need to rethink your future. He is settling into this new routine so when dc2 arrives he is way too busy to parent at all. And seeing you as sahm he feels no remorse for not being around.

gamerchick · 21/08/2022 09:50

You know you're not unreasonable OP. I'm not sure what advice you would like though. He's a selfish man, he isn't going to suddenly change that and make you a priority.

Original poster
Burntoutmama · 21/08/2022 09:51

Thank you for confirming I'm not going insane!! Especially as his shifts are about to change next week, you'd have thought he could have put it aside for a few more days for the sake of his pregnant wife's wellbeing!

OP posts:
MistyGreenAndBlue · 21/08/2022 09:53

Sounds as if he doesnt want a second child and already has one foot out the door.

I could be wrong (not being inside his head) but that is what I take from this.

Sorry

Mummysgogetter · 21/08/2022 09:57

You’re not wrong OP; he sounds disgusting and a selfish me, me, me type

coodawoodashooda · 21/08/2022 09:57

It's a clever tactic on his part. Legitimate excuses that render him untouchable and unaccountable. I threw my one out.

Everydayimhuffling · 21/08/2022 09:58

He needs to re-think his gym routine now, because there's no way he can continue that and equally parent two children. My DP would love to be able to have that routine, but with two toddlers it's impossible. Don't let him settle into it: it will be harder to stop. You were perfectly reasonable in getting annoyed and upset with him.

PolishingCandles · 21/08/2022 10:02

Why can't you just cook a meal for yourself and your three year old and leave him to sort himself out?

Bootsandcat · 21/08/2022 10:06

It’s so rude that he didn’t even think to make you an extra portion. He’s not really being a present parent atm is he. How is he usually with your little one? Depends on his shifts, can he get a running buggy and run with your eldest to give you a little break?

Discovereads · 21/08/2022 10:06

I’m so sorry about your mum. That’s a massive stress to be carrying on top of being pregnant and everything else.

Work, plus gym is ok imho. But he should do what I did and go in the early mornings..I went to gym from 4:30am to 6am specifically so I could be home in the evenings with my family. No one misses you if you exercise while they are sleeping :)

But what also really stands out is that when he’s home he’s acting like a flat mate. He’s not doing any household or family things like cooking, ordering food, sorting childcare. I know you said he’s been pulling his weight, but it doesn’t sound like he is really.

Finally, he doesn’t seem to acknowledged what you’re going through with your mums illness. He should be there for you to lean on, instead of going about as if all is normal and nothing has changed. He just sounds detached to me.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 21/08/2022 10:09

@PolishingCandles why should she just sort herself out?!!! They are supposed to be a team-or should OP just suck it up because she’s the SAHM?

mondaytosunday · 21/08/2022 10:18

No @MrsElijahMikaelson1 but I don't see why she just had ready meals all week. Online shopping? A quick stop at the shop on her way home? Her husband may not have done it when he had the time off like he should have, but then refusing to help yourself seems petty.
It is terrible when someone close to you is ill (I know, my mother had cancer when I was a teen and my father had a stroke - dying six weeks later - and my own husband is dead) but life doesn't stop. I agree he didn't step up but the op is being a martyr.
He should do the gym before work not after. My husband worked long hours too but was at the gym door at 6am every day of the week.

BrutusMcDogface · 21/08/2022 10:18

But you aren’t a sahm, are you OP? It says in the op that you have work too.

He's a selfish bastard.

NotAHouse · 21/08/2022 10:27

Sudden gymming and lack of care - had he got a woman on the side?

bubblesandwineandallthingsfine · 21/08/2022 10:33

He sounds like he’s checked out time to think about what you want and do that

i can’t see what difference it makes to you if he is around anyway?

or has he just suddenly changed… because if he has I’d wonder if he’s having an affair

Christmasiscominghohoho · 21/08/2022 10:51

Why does it fuck up dinner if he’s out to 10? He’s at work. He can’t help that. Don’t you just eat your own meals and he can make his own when he’s own.

I don’t personally think going to the gym. How often is he going? And how long for? Do you feel he shouldn’t be allowed to go to the gym because he works long shifts?

How did he ruin date night when you said you cried all day and couldn’t get past it to enjoy your time together? It sounds like you were upset and didn’t want to do it?

Christmasiscominghohoho · 21/08/2022 10:52

I don’t personally think going to the gym is an issue

endofthelinefinally · 21/08/2022 11:08

So you are working long hours, pregnant, exhausted and doing your share of the housework and childcare. He has 2 days off and didn't bother to help with shopping or meal planning? He has 3 evenings a week to go to the gym and time to do shopping and cooking just for himself. When do you get your 3 evenings off every week to do whatever you like?
He plans and cooks nutritious meals for himself and doesn't bother to do an extra couple of portions to ensure his pregnant, exhausted, hard working wife and his child have a meal?
I call that very selfish.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/08/2022 11:13

@Burntoutmama

why don’t you go the gym too?

why did you have noodles and ready meals? Why didn’t you get an online shop delivered and make yourself something nice at the time you wanted it and your husband can sort himself out?

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/08/2022 11:16

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 21/08/2022 10:09

@PolishingCandles why should she just sort herself out?!!! They are supposed to be a team-or should OP just suck it up because she’s the SAHM?

@MrsElijahMikaelson1

being a “team” doesn’t mean you have to do everything together

if hes working late shifts, op just makes her own dinner at the usual time, she can either make more for him to heat up or he can sort himself out

couples don’t have to do bloody everything together all the time you know

PrettyPrim · 21/08/2022 11:18

What an absolute pig.

Nanny0gg · 21/08/2022 11:21

PolishingCandles · 21/08/2022 10:02

Why can't you just cook a meal for yourself and your three year old and leave him to sort himself out?

Why doesn't she just live on her own as a single parent then?

over50andfab · 21/08/2022 11:22

Yes he’s selfish but also you shouldn’t have to exist on noodles or ready meals. It’s possible to put together nutritious meals very quickly.

I agree with the PP who suggested he go to the gym early mornings rather than later