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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP putting himself first? I can't get over this one

105 replies

Burntoutmama · 21/08/2022 09:40

Usually me and my husband get on very well. Since being pregnant with my 2nd he has more than pulled his weight with housework and sorting our 3 year old out. But this past week he has really pushed my buttons and I just can't drop it.

He's recently started gymming - already a contentious issue as he works 12 hour shifts so when he does this 3 times a week it means he's not around for any "evening time" until 10ish, which also fucks up dinner. A few weeks ago I found out my mum has terminal cancer and have obvs been struggling emotionally. Last week I had some temporary work on which had really long days and left me absolutely exhausted... I had warned him I needed him to pull his weight with dinners ect that week. So Mon/Tues he's off work, doesn't shop/meal prep ect. All week I ate noodles or ready meals. My son eats baked beans and the likes so hardly much graft for him. Then Friday night comes, off he goes to the gym, comes home and cooks himself a nutritious meal (2nd that week) and doesn't sit down until 10. I just lost it... In all the years I've dieted and exercised he's never got on board and now I'm pregnant dealing with the worst news of my life and he's prioritising the gym and his own nutrition. Doesn't bother to even make me an extra portion for the next day. I storm off... He makes no attempt to follow.

Yesterday I spent the day in bed crying. We had childcare for the first time in months but I just couldn't get past ot to enjoy quality time together. We had a huge row where he just argued with the small details... Couldn't see how his cumulative actions made me feel lonely and insignificant. And I'm double angry he ruined our date night. I also have some simmering anger about a childcare issue that popped up during the week too (as in he does nothing to arrange or ensure childcare is sorted... Apparently as a woman that's my job).

Tell me ... Am I being unreasonable? I just cannot soothe the rage I feel to forgive him and move on. I feel so depressed. Any advice?

OP posts:
DreamToNightmare · 21/08/2022 12:47

YANBU at all.

Men seem to think regularly going to the gym is essential….unless it’s their wife as apparently it doesn’t matter if she isn’t allowed the same luxury. She gets the luxury of picking up all the slack at home whilst he’s busy looking after himself.

My DH used to think he could go to the gym every evening as soon as we’d finished dinner. He seemed to think it didn’t matter as he’d had some family time first, but he didn’t seem to consider the fact that it meant every night I was doing bath time and bedtime for both our children every night.

When we discussed the unfairness of it he said he would go to the gym before work but after a few weeks of 4am wake-ups to allow for this he realised it wasn’t a realistic solution.

So now he goes two evenings a week and again on a Saturday afternoon.

Not making excuses for men but I really do think some of them live on a different planet and are so self absorbed they can’t even think outside their own way of reasoning. There’s just no self awareness on their part and are inherently selfish.

You don’t have to put up with this.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/08/2022 12:53

deeperthanallroses · 21/08/2022 12:30

Actually it’s different for everyone. But if it’s not that hard work why is he doing none of it? If it’s really not that hard work then he’s being doubly as shit isn’t he?

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@deeperthanallroses

what do u mean it’s different for everyone?

if you’ve no time you get shopping delivered how is that not sensible whether your a man woman parent non parent etc?

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/08/2022 12:54

deeperthanallroses · 21/08/2022 12:31

Oh and we meal plan, meal plan is survival for busy families with busy jobs and other things on!

@deeperthanallroses

what is meal planning and how does it save on time?

UWhatNow · 21/08/2022 12:56

Can’t believe the amount of posters making excuses for this selfish arse. Yes he can go to the gym. Ultimately anybody can do what they damn well pleasy... but morally it’s not right. He should step up and support his family. That’s the priority right now - not his fucking abs.

Riverlee · 21/08/2022 12:58

NotAHouse · 21/08/2022 10:27

Sudden gymming and lack of care - had he got a woman on the side?

I’ve on mn too long - my first thought also.

CharlotteRose90 · 21/08/2022 12:58

If it’s only recently he’s been playing up then I would be worried. Either about an affair or that somethings bothering him and the gym is his stress reliever. Rather then be mad talk to him. Also on his gym days you don’t have to eat dinner with him: have your food with your kid and then he can eat separately. Doesn’t mean your family isn’t perfect as most families don’t eat together. He sounds like a good one to me.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2022 13:00

I don't think he's going to the gym.

Nanny0gg · 21/08/2022 13:01

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/08/2022 12:18

@Nanny0gg

she could speak to him and they can arrange a schedule when they can take it in turns to go to gym. He can hardly say no given he does it can he.

going to gym when pregnant is a really good thing to do - keep up your strength and fitness and make sure you don’t gain too much weight

and maybe it would be a good outlet and stress reliever for her given the situation with her mum.

not talking about her going every day (unless she wants to) but a couple to times a week

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He'll have to be around so she can...

Riverlee · 21/08/2022 13:03

In many ways, the gym is a red herring. It’s not the gym that’s the problem, but that he’s not contributing to family life.

Op has just had some devastating news, plus is pregnant. Dh doesn’t work on Mondays and Tuesdays, so op asks for some help preparing meals etc, but nothing is forthcoming. However, a few days later, when it suits him, he’s capable of cooking a nutritious meal, for himself.

TrashPandas · 21/08/2022 13:03

Since being pregnant with my 2nd he has more than pulled his weight with housework and sorting our 3 year old out. But this past week he has really pushed my buttons and I just can't drop it.

So he's completely changed attitude and behaviours in the space of a week?

When did he start going to the gym?

Nanny0gg · 21/08/2022 13:03

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/08/2022 12:25

@deeperthanallroses

its really not that hard work

he can get shopping delivered, takes no time.

Meal planning - what even is that?! Do some
people sit down and write down all the meals or something?! Fuck that

cooking - no need to be a bit drawn out thing, loads of healthy meals you can make in v little time - beans on toast, advocado on toast, jacket potato and salad, ready made quiche and salad etc etc. Or is this not good enough for the ‘has to be homemade sauce’ etc mumsnet crew?

he absolutely doesn’t need to martyr himself to feed his family. Op doesn’t need to be a Martyr either.

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You seem to be missing the point that her DH just did all this without discussion of how it would work or who would pick up the slack.
Or who would be looking after their child.

GurningGolfer · 21/08/2022 13:04

supersonicginandtonic · 21/08/2022 11:28

A parent who works 12 hour shifts and has children, can go to the gym.
What needs to happen is that the OP needs to sit with her husband and talk things through. Maybe OP could find a hobby too.
It's extremely important for mental health to have a life outside childcare and work.
I'm so sorry about your mum OP, that's awful news and a lot to deal with, he does need to support you better emotionally.
In regards to the date day, you ruined that I'm afraid. You spent the day in bed crying, that isn't his fault. Why didn't you use the time to have fun together and have a chat about the issues you have going on?

I agree.

dianthus101 · 21/08/2022 13:08

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/08/2022 12:29

@Merryoldgoat

thats great he can exercise on his lunch break

But not everyone can do that

I only get half an hour lunch. By the time I’d got changed into clothes I can exercise etc in I’d have barely no time

also no showers at my work

him doing half an hour gym sesh on a way home
from work isn’t a problem

op can exercise by going on walks, runs with toddler doing a YouTube video at home etc her husband can’t

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If OP doesn't need the gym to exercise, why does he? e.g. Why can't he go for for a run?

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/08/2022 13:10

dianthus101 · 21/08/2022 13:08

If OP doesn't need the gym to exercise, why does he? e.g. Why can't he go for for a run?

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@dianthus101

op might not exercise she hasn’t said

she might be very sedentary for all we know

yeah I know some people will say looking after a toddler but that’s not cardio is it really

and run still means being out of house

StaunchMomma · 21/08/2022 13:16

What an awful time for him to decide to become such a selfish twunt!

Are you sure he's not taking any steroids, OP? It seems like his personality has changed a lot since starting to go to the gym.

Well done for spelling it out to him that he's being an arsehole.

LannieDuck · 21/08/2022 13:20

Make sure he's planning to do a significant chunk of parental leave - I suggest at least 3 months. During that time, you go out to work and he is the default parent.

He needs to understand what it entails, and you need to make really, really certain that mat leave doesn't lead to a habit of it being your job alone...

Triffid1 · 21/08/2022 13:21

It seems to me that the going to the gym is not, in itself, the key issue. It was the straw that broke the camel's back.

So on Monday/Tuesday, when he wasn't working he STILL doesn't prepare a meal, or do any other genuinely helpful household tasks. Then, a few days later, after a shift, he goes off to the gym, returns and DOES cook a meal, but can't even be bothered to cook enough for his wife.

A wife who is pregnant, working and dealing with devastating news.

I wouldn't focus on the gym. I'd be focusing on why he's so shit when he IS at home....

been and done it. · 21/08/2022 13:21

Sounds like he's got the sensitivity of a brick.

rwalker · 21/08/2022 13:24

Take work out if the equation you say he pulls his weight
the issue is he goes to the gym 3 time a week tbh that’s not excessive
understandably things are tough sounds like your taking it out in him
tbh that’s why he could be a avoiding coming home because after 12 hours he’ll be walking into the brunt of you

Annasgirl · 21/08/2022 13:32

I’d this Mumsnet or Dadsnet ? Because this place suddenly seems full of apologists (who cannot read an OP properly) for useless men.

OldFan · 21/08/2022 13:43

YANBU @Burntoutmama , he needs to not forget about you and spend more time with his family/have you as a priority.

Have some protein though (I use protein powder as it's actually cheaper than other sources of protein and more convenient) and your 5 a day. No need to neglect yourself just because he's somewhat neglecting you.

You could even put 30g of unflavoured protein powder in your pot noodle.

For fruit I like a frozen berry mix- 240g is probably 3 of your 5 a day. Then a couple of veg- whatever you can tolerate. I just grab a raw carrot and maybe raw cabbage. A portion is either a piece of a medium sized fruit/veg, or 80g.

Once a week have your oily fish. Sardines on toast is easy.

OldFan · 21/08/2022 13:46

the issue is he goes to the gym 3 time a week tbh that’s not excessive

@rwalker It wouldn't be if he wasn't already out of the home for so long. He could maybe go once on the weekend, then maybe go a couple of times before work rather than after, so he gets home earlier (I wouldn't be the sort of person who could get going earlier than I have to though, and work out then.)

Branleuse · 21/08/2022 13:46

hes being utterly selfish. You are not being unreasonable at all

DillDanding · 21/08/2022 13:58

I don’t know why you can’t cook yourself a quick and healthy meal, but he sounds like he doesn’t care a jot about you.

AldiLidlDeeDee · 21/08/2022 13:59

Really sorry that you’re going through all this virtually alone and unsupported. Hugs to you. <<>> @Burntoutmama

Years ago when my mum lay dying in hospital (for almost 2 weeks) my DP visited once with me and then made excuses for not visiting. I was also early stages of pregnancy too. Sadly a few weeks after she died, I discovered he was having an affair with a work colleague and had made use of the time I was at the hospital to see her. A few months later we broke up completely because although he begged forgiveness etc., it was obvious he would always put his own desires first and he wasn’t there for me, when I needed him.

I really hope your DH sorts himself out and realises he’s no longer young, free and single but has responsibilities towards his family that have to take precedence. Why should you be the one always having to juggle everything?

I also hope he is just going to the gym and isn’t up to anything else. ☹️