DP putting himself first? I can't get over this one

[Burntoutmama]

Usually me and my husband get on very well. Since being pregnant with my 2nd he has more than pulled his weight with housework and sorting our 3 year old out. But this past week he has really pushed my buttons and I just can't drop it.

He's recently started gymming - already a contentious issue as he works 12 hour shifts so when he does this 3 times a week it means he's not around for any "evening time" until 10ish, which also fucks up dinner. A few weeks ago I found out my mum has terminal cancer and have obvs been struggling emotionally. Last week I had some temporary work on which had really long days and left me absolutely exhausted... I had warned him I needed him to pull his weight with dinners ect that week. So Mon/Tues he's off work, doesn't shop/meal prep ect. All week I ate noodles or ready meals. My son eats baked beans and the likes so hardly much graft for him. Then Friday night comes, off he goes to the gym, comes home and cooks himself a nutritious meal (2nd that week) and doesn't sit down until 10. I just lost it... In all the years I've dieted and exercised he's never got on board and now I'm pregnant dealing with the worst news of my life and he's prioritising the gym and his own nutrition. Doesn't bother to even make me an extra portion for the next day. I storm off... He makes no attempt to follow.

Yesterday I spent the day in bed crying. We had childcare for the first time in months but I just couldn't get past ot to enjoy quality time together. We had a huge row where he just argued with the small details... Couldn't see how his cumulative actions made me feel lonely and insignificant. And I'm double angry he ruined our date night. I also have some simmering anger about a childcare issue that popped up during the week too (as in he does nothing to arrange or ensure childcare is sorted... Apparently as a woman that's my job).

Tell me ... Am I being unreasonable? I just cannot soothe the rage I feel to forgive him and move on. I feel so depressed. Any advice?

YANBU

I think it’s important to have time to yourself, especially if it’s to do with keeping fit and healthy but he’s definitely taking the piss!

Why can’t he go to the gym in his lunch break or before work.

I agree with PPs that I’d be concerned that an OW is on the scene.

Some women in this thread are so male identified its repulsive.
Its not a coincidence that at the most vulnerable time in your life, he has abandoned you physically and emotionally,
its vagina envy, men really do get jealous of pregnant women,
that's why they downplay childbirth and pregnancy and start acting like complete Aholes when their wives get pregnant, it can't be anything other than resentment and jealousy.
They lack empathy, unless something directly effects them, it seems like you being stressed and unhappy doesn't effect him one bit, doesn't change his routine does it?

Does he even spend time with your toddler at all, or is that "your job"??
Not only is he being a neglectful parent, he's not honoring his vows as a husband.
Just stop doing anything for him, don't cook for him, get a cleaner, get child care and go and spend time with your mother
He's never going to change BTW this is who he really is..

P.s Him making a meal for himself and we clouding you and your child is not just thoughtless , its deliberate and its loud, he's saying "I'm not apart of this family"
Its actually harder to make a meal for one person, he made sure there was no leftovers on purpose, think about it..

Not " we clouding " i meant excluding

It sounds like it’s been a very bad week and the news about your mum has made it massively worse.

It doesn’t sound like he’s normally thoughtless so have you talked to him

I said why doesn't he go for a run rather than gym. I didn't suggest OP do it.

What difference would that make? He'd still be out of the house, whether it's running or at the gym. That's what that other poster is saying.

Maybe get yourself some microwave meals, there are some nice ones out there. Forget his meals, he can sort himself out.

He sounds like a bog-standard husband.

Fucking awful.

He would be out of the house for a lot less time. You don't have to drive to the gym and back, change at the gym etc. I used to go out for a run in the morning and what would usually be at the house for 40 minutes. He is clearly out of the house for a lot longer that.

A lot of men are selfish and prioritise their own wants and needs first, well every male I've ever known has anyway I know there are exceptions before anyone starts. Women more often than not do majority of child care, cooking, cleaning etc sometimes having a man in your life is like having an extra child as its another person to look after and do everything for sounds like your dh is one of these type of men.

YABU sorry, but communicate with you DH. Did you say to him to put on some extra food? I doubt if you said to DH "hey could you put on some extra for me for tomorrow to save me the hassle" that he'd say no. Plus it's 10 at night he prob assumes you've eaten, your toddler I'm guessing would be in bed a couple of hours by then so what stops you from making something to eat? pregnancy isn't a disability, I've a 7 week old and 2 other DC, during my entire pregnancy I was out of the house from 9-5:30/6 Monday to Friday just like my DP, if my DP was home before me or had a day off I'd text him to ask if he made dinner before I got home, if he did and I wasn't in the mood for what he made I'd tell him I'll sort myself out later, if he didn't make anything I'd tell him to start prepping and I'll finish cooking when I got in. If he wasn't home I'd cook because I'm a parent and need to feed my older kids regardless so I put on enough for me and him too... weekdays are generally easy meals, pastas, curries, taco's, wraps etc. Nothing time consuming, try making a pasta bake or shepards pie the evening before, or even decide the night before what you want for dinner the next day and do some prep so it's just a matter of putting it on when you get home or tell dh to put it on if he's home.
Can you not make up a schedule around who's turn it is to cook? ... living on noodles and ready made meals because dh hasn't cooked for you is ridiculous and not at all necessary surely you can still cook while pregnant, plenty of single pregnant women out there with toddlers that manage to keep themselves and their kids fed. Can you invest in a slow cooker? You both take turns prepping food in the evening and throw on food before you leave in the morning? Sounds like DH is not expecting you to cook for him, he isn't insisting on going to gym after work & having dinner on the table waiting for him when he gets back, which would be completely unreasonable.
As for the gym, your dh is looking after himself he's allowed to prioritise his health for a couple of hours 3 days a week, just like you are allowed and encouraged to look after yourself too. Most women would be happy their DH is taking care of their health especially mums we want our children's father to be healthy and fit for many years to come right? Can't you agree that 3 evening a week you can do the same? Go for a walk or have a long soak in the bath or whatever you fancy?

Living on noodles and ready made meals because dh hasn't cooked for you is ridiculous and not at all necessary. I think there's a bit of martyrdom going on.

This is where my head went too…

Yep. I think OP is sad because it feels spiteful and malicious...I think he's probably more thoughtless and selfish. You can't really change people like that, you have to just learn to never rely on them. It's up to OP if she wants to live like that or not.

It sounds quite the coincidence that he’s made himself busy in the evening. Someone cynical might think he did that on purpose.

This isn't true BTW people that go to the gym tend to stick to strict diets that involve weighing out ingredients to be precise .. my sister is gym bunny, goes to the gym more than 3 times a week has an incredible figure complete with abs to die for. She works full time and has 3 dc under 5 her youngest is 6 months. She has a strict diet for herself and meal preps and weighs her food, open her fridge and there's tuberware of meals (single servings) for herself which includes lunches and dinner.

She and her dh takes turns cooking for DC and her partner sorts himself out when he's hungry, I doubt anyone here would call her a dick for prioritising her fitness over cooking for her husband, after all her husband is a grown man capable of feeding himself. They have family meals at weekend were they both cook. Dh also has his hobbies (fishing/hunting) that require him to be out of the house very early morning so there's a balance, he also works full time mon-friday.

She’s also not a SAHM, it says in the OP she works.

No OP doesn't have to carry the entire mental load and micromanage him like a boss with a lazy employee. What she told him was adequate. He should have used his initiative and stepped up. Instead he let her down.

OP I agree with those who say he's checked out already. He's living the single life pretty much and possibly getting in shape to attract a new partner. I get that he's tired too, but that's life with small children. Sounds like he's effectively opted out because he's bored of it and has a misogynistic attitude about children being women's work.

You say he pulls his weight but where? Does he take all the fun options like taking toddler to the park while you stay home cleaning, doing bath time and bedtime story while you wash up the dishes and do the ironing etc? Or are you mistaking him doing his own laundry and clearing up his own mess as doing his fair share? Are you left with the majority of the daily grind and mental load?

As for those saying OP ruined date night by crying...WTF?! She was crying because of things he'd done/not done! She doesn't have to bury her feelings and pretend to be ok with it FFS

No the OP couldn't sort herself out, she had too much going on. The OP specifically asked her partner for help with meals that week. So yeah not bothering to double the ingredients and cook for two is totally a dickish move. It's selfish, it's thoughtless and when he'd specifically been asked to take care of meals that week, it's a massive fuck you to the OP

@pinheadlarry

Some women in this thread are so male identified its repulsive.

There's no guarantee they're even women. This forum is full of men. Every mention of feminism and there they are screaming about men's rights. A woman needs support and there they are telling her she's unreasonable and to think of her poor partner. Obviously there's lots of women here too and probably some men who aren't arses and fit right in. But there's enough of the other sort that it's pretty depressing and it probably brings them joy to know that

Have you missed that OP works too? The only reason she has time to exercise from home with the toddler is because her partner fucks off out 3 nights a week leaving her holding the baby! Why are you acting like this is about OP wanting to exercise? It isn't. She wants her partner to act like a partner and take an equal role in family life. She has less spare time and energy currently than he does because she's supporting her mum and is pregnant. There also seems to be an unequal division of labour (which includes the mental load) in their relationship, with her partner doing/thinking less regarding family life and filling his time instead with solo persuits

Men who prioritise buffing up their body over their pregnant wife and young child have a foot out the door.

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

surely you can be committed to your fitness and care about your appearance and care about your partner and child?

it doesn’t have to be one or the other does it?

I can't believe some of these replies. The H has clearly checked out of family life. 3 evening s a week when he's out until 10pm so op works, picks up the toddler, does dinner, bath and bed and then probably does the housework too. While pregnant and with a mum with cancer and posters think the H needs to be prioritised?