DP putting himself first? I can't get over this one

[Burntoutmama]

Usually me and my husband get on very well. Since being pregnant with my 2nd he has more than pulled his weight with housework and sorting our 3 year old out. But this past week he has really pushed my buttons and I just can't drop it.

He's recently started gymming - already a contentious issue as he works 12 hour shifts so when he does this 3 times a week it means he's not around for any "evening time" until 10ish, which also fucks up dinner. A few weeks ago I found out my mum has terminal cancer and have obvs been struggling emotionally. Last week I had some temporary work on which had really long days and left me absolutely exhausted... I had warned him I needed him to pull his weight with dinners ect that week. So Mon/Tues he's off work, doesn't shop/meal prep ect. All week I ate noodles or ready meals. My son eats baked beans and the likes so hardly much graft for him. Then Friday night comes, off he goes to the gym, comes home and cooks himself a nutritious meal (2nd that week) and doesn't sit down until 10. I just lost it... In all the years I've dieted and exercised he's never got on board and now I'm pregnant dealing with the worst news of my life and he's prioritising the gym and his own nutrition. Doesn't bother to even make me an extra portion for the next day. I storm off... He makes no attempt to follow.

Yesterday I spent the day in bed crying. We had childcare for the first time in months but I just couldn't get past ot to enjoy quality time together. We had a huge row where he just argued with the small details... Couldn't see how his cumulative actions made me feel lonely and insignificant. And I'm double angry he ruined our date night. I also have some simmering anger about a childcare issue that popped up during the week too (as in he does nothing to arrange or ensure childcare is sorted... Apparently as a woman that's my job).

Tell me ... Am I being unreasonable? I just cannot soothe the rage I feel to forgive him and move on. I feel so depressed. Any advice?

Going to go against the grain here and say if he's normally pretty good this may be a stress response. It's a lot going on for both of you and he's probably feeling bad that he can't fix your mum but unfortunately unconsciously responding in a really unhelpful way. If it's that (and it may not be!) your best bet is probably to talk things through when you're both in a calmer frame of mind. Could you get 24 hours together in a hotel to just decompress and remind yourselves why you like each other?

Who looks after their child and maybe being pregnant and worrying about her mum renders that idea a non-starter?

A parent of small children cannot work 12 hour shifts and then go to the gym - it’s incompatible with family life.

He sounds like a completely selfish git.

A parent who works 12 hour shifts and has children, can go to the gym.
What needs to happen is that the OP needs to sit with her husband and talk things through. Maybe OP could find a hobby too.
It's extremely important for mental health to have a life outside childcare and work.
I'm so sorry about your mum OP, that's awful news and a lot to deal with, he does need to support you better emotionally.
In regards to the date day, you ruined that I'm afraid. You spent the day in bed crying, that isn't his fault. Why didn't you use the time to have fun together and have a chat about the issues you have going on?

You need to talk about whether you both want this relationship. His behaviour suggests he doesn’t but perhaps he hasn’t thought ahead.
This is the sort of thing that can limp on for years but can only be resolved through open communication.

If you do need to separate, much better to do it sooner rather than later as the longer the resentment bubbles, the lower the chance of you co-parenting successfully.

It can feel very hard but you need to be grown ups and talk this through.

Her username is literally “burnt out”. Your suggestion is that on top of working long hours, doing the majority of bedtimes while he stays out at the gym, gestating a baby, and dealing with the immediate aftermath of her mother’s terminal diagnosis, she should also meal plan, shop and cook to ensure nutrition – while her husband, who had two days off and had been specifically asked to help with dinners, does fuck all?

You are not being unreasonable, but may be over reacting a little due to being pregnant. It sounds like irritating behaviour that needs mentioning, rather than full on rage / arguments / in bed depressed.
Some people need specifics - rather than "I need you to pull your weight when I'm working this week", maybe he needed "I need you to do the meal prep and cooking this week, I'm pregnant and likely to be hangry otherwise."

Speaking as someone who has recently been pregnant and in charge of a 2 year old, I think you are overreacting. But you are going

Speaking as someone who has recently been pregnant in charge of a 2 year old, I think you are overreacting. But you are going through a lot so it is completely understandable. I think you need to take a leaf out of dh's book and prioritise self care - book a massage, go to the gym, have a nice healthy meal, leave him in charge at home. Do it regularly. In my experience it gets easier once the baby arrives. He doesn't sound like a bad sort. Good luck xx

Oh OP I’m so sorry! You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Even if you weren’t pregnant and hadn’t been running yourself ragged with work, you’ve just had the most awful news and your other half should be prioritising supporting you!

@Nanny0gg

she could speak to him and they can arrange a schedule when they can take it in turns to go to gym. He can hardly say no given he does it can he.

going to gym when pregnant is a really good thing to do - keep up your strength and fitness and make sure you don’t gain too much weight

and maybe it would be a good outlet and stress reliever for her given the situation with her mum.

not talking about her going every day (unless she wants to) but a couple to times a week

This!

do something nice for you op

I’ve recently been pregnant and working with young kids. I’d boot my Dh to the far side of fuck if he got through a week without cooking a good meal for everyone. He does half the pick up/drop off, meals bath bed, incl meal planning and shopping. This does mean he couldn’t possibly go to the gym over dinner time three times a week!

@Merryoldgoat

Course they can!

physical exercise isn’t some jolly it’s a non negotiable, we all need exercise to keep fit and well

@LuckySantangelo35

Not to the detriment of their contribution to the home.

My DH likes to keep fit so he exercises on his lunch break so he’s not later home than necessary.

After a 12 hour shift when he’s needed at home it’s a way for him to avoid his responsibilities.

@deeperthanallroses

its really not that hard work

he can get shopping delivered, takes no time.

Meal planning - what even is that?! Do some
people sit down and write down all the meals or something?! Fuck that

cooking - no need to be a bit drawn out thing, loads of healthy meals you can make in v little time - beans on toast, advocado on toast, jacket potato and salad, ready made quiche and salad etc etc. Or is this not good enough for the ‘has to be homemade sauce’ etc mumsnet crew?

he absolutely doesn’t need to martyr himself to feed his family. Op doesn’t need to be a Martyr either.

OP,

He doesn't sound like he wants another child and is happily setting you up as carer for both as he avoids sharing the load.

Stop getting upset.

Leave him with his child for a few days and go stay with your mother.

Ask him does he wish to separate?
Because he's behaving like a man that does.

Do not aow this behaviour to continue as it will only get worse.

@Merryoldgoat

thats great he can exercise on his lunch break

But not everyone can do that

I only get half an hour lunch. By the time I’d got changed into clothes I can exercise etc in I’d have barely no time

also no showers at my work

him doing half an hour gym sesh on a way home
from work isn’t a problem

op can exercise by going on walks, runs with toddler doing a YouTube video at home etc her husband can’t

Actually it’s different for everyone. But if it’s not that hard work why is he doing none of it? If it’s really not that hard work then he’s being doubly as shit isn’t he?

How many days a week does he work?

If he works 60 hours a week and that's an agreement you both have so his job can contribute to providng for the family, I wouldn't begrudge him for taking 3 times a week to unwind with exercise, as long as you get equal leisure time.

Food is a non issue, take turns cooking in advance so food is ready to reheat.

Can you afford to hire a cleaner or childcare help to take some of the load of you?

Neither of you should have to just work, eat, sleep and repeat. There are two of you and there should be an option to give you both downtime.

Oh and we meal plan, meal plan is survival for busy families with busy jobs and other things on!

Why does it fuck up dinner if he’s out to 10? He’s at work

OP said he was at the gym That’s the issue. She also said he does this three times a week.

OP, I agree with others saying he should go to the gym before work (my ex used to go at 6am) or during his lunch break. He should be considering you and your DC and not just making plans that suit him. Same for his days off - he should be spending part of them doing some family chores. That’s what teams do.

Yanbu.

He needs to put the gym on hold or reduce it while supporting you at the moment, in light of the news you have received.

It is so very fucking selfish not to just make some extra of the food he was already making for himself is so selfish and thoughtless.

If he is like this now, I would be v concerned as to what he will be like when the new baby is here.

How many 12 hour shifts does he do per week?

I’m really sorry to hear about your mum.

I’m sorry your mum is so ill and I hope your selfish partner will take time out of his busy gym schedule to allow you to spend some time with her.