To not go to the wedding?

[Motherbride]

There’s 2 parts to why I’m annoyed about this situation..

Our friends moved abroad a few years ago (in Europe - we’re U.K.) they’re now getting married which is great! They’ve planned their wedding in said European country, fair enough. Invited all of our friendship group and family etc..

However, they’ve only given us around 7 months notice, the wedding is in half term and children are not invited (again fair enough we didn’t invite friends kids to our wedding either). But this is making things difficult in terms of childcare. They want everyone to go out for 6 days as they have activities etc planned for us which means childcare for the whole half term. Most of our friends have children so they’re asking this of everyone, not just us.

Then to make matters worse, the guy has planned his stag do for 6 weeks before the wedding in said European country again! So not only do we have to find childcare and fork out to travel to their wedding for 5 days, my DH is also being asked to fly out again to the same place for a 3 day stag do, the month before the wedding!

This has caused a riff between me and DH as I think they’re being totally unreasonable to ask of this from everyone. I think they could have planned to do the stag do here to save everyone flying out twice? Apparently he doesn’t want to ask his new friends to fly to the U.K., but he’s happy to ask his U.K. friends to fly out there twice?!

THEN to make it even more annoying, he IS coming to the U.K. for a ‘boys day’ around 4 months before the wedding.. so why can’t that just be the stag?!

DH thinks we need to just suck it up and do it all (if we can sort childcare)
I think DH should say no to the stag, but go to the wedding

Honestly I don’t even want to go to the wedding anymore, it’s going to be a nightmare to find childcare, I don’t want to ask that of someone it’s a huge ask, and I don’t really want to leave the kids all half term! But DH thinks I’ll look like a bitch if I don’t go

who’s being unreasonable here?

The B&G are being unreasonable and you are being a bit literal. If you want to go to the wedding, go, but they cannot actually FORCE you to be there for 6 days. Explain its half term,tell them you'll go for 2 or 3 days, assuming you want to, job done. They moan, don't go at all. It doesn't appear that money or childcare are issues as those would be the instant barriers I'd expect you to have mentioned. As for the stag - I'd be delighted not to have to attend a hen do, but assuming your husband wants to go, again he doesn't HAVE to do 3 nights.

@MaryJoLisa yes I am being a bit literal, they obviously can’t force anyone to go but I just think it’s too much to ask of friends, DH doesn’t agree.

Cost isn’t necessarily an issue although it will mean it’s our only holiday next year, and I’d much rather go away with the kids

childcare will be an issue, I’ll have to either split the time between family members or split the children up

I could go for 2/3 days, we will have a baby at the time who they’ve said we can take if we need to, (which I will because I don’t want to leave her) but DH is going for the week so I’d have to fly out and back on my own with the baby

Just don't go.

I have managed to escape going to weddings for most of my adult life, and I've saved so much hassle and money.

Name change fail?

I don't think they're unreasonable for having their wedding and stag do in a country of their choice. Also 7 months notice is plenty of time, how much more do you want? But if you don't want to go for the full time, just go for a few days for the wedding itself and tell them you couldn't get childcare for the whole time. I think that's perfectly acceptable.

As for the stag do, if you can afford it then why not otherwise would your DH be happy just going to the boys day (are you sure this is not an alternative UK stag for those that cant make the main one?). I guess it depends how close you are to them.

Tbh, if I were you I'd go for a couple of days with the baby, and ask DH to do the same.

Not in a million years. Sorry can’t make it.

How joyless!

OP you don't have to go to any of it. It's an invitation. I suspect Groom's expectation will be that most UK mates with kids can't attend the stag and just do the Boys' day.

Also you don't have to do the full 6 days. Go for as long or short as you want.

Yes, it is not so natural for childless people to consider childcare and school holidays, that's just how it happens. Don't take it as a personal slight.

I'd go for a couple of nights. A week isn't my idea of fun. I wouldn't leave the children all half term and not take them on holiday. It's mean.

Why is your DH going for the week if you're only going for 2/3 days?

he can go to the wedding by himself and just explain the cost/childcare situation. I doubt they'll even care if you aren't there. As for the stag do again, DH can mention the cost and say he'll see him at the UK men's gathering or whatever its called.

I’d compromise on it, go for 2/3 days for the wedding, just because they’ve invited you for six doesn’t mean you have to do the full trip, and dictating that amount of time is ridiculous.

DH goes on the ‘boys trip’ in the UK but not the ‘stag do’ abroad.

This.

Completely agree.

“Thank you for your kind invitation. Unfortunately we are unable to attend but hope you have a lovely day.”

Job done.

Why start a thread and then immediately name change?

Anyway, if you can get childcare, go for a couple of nights, no need to go for the week. Your DH is being silly worrying about what they will think.

I’d just decline.

I was saying to DH recently that when we got married you expected a wedding to take perhaps 4 or 5 hours, plus travel time. Early to the venue, an hour's ceremony, 20 min photos, 20 min drive to reception (maybe, or just across to the church hall), another 20 min photos, 2-3 hours reception. You had a good time.

The idea of expecting your friends to fly abroad (unless you lived abroad) and use up a huge chunk of their leave and pay a fortune just didn't exist.

So unsurprisingly, I'd either say sorry no can do, or we can only come for two days.

7 months notice isn't enough notice???

how close are these friends??

You could just go and take the kids and then take it turns to go on the planned activities each day. How can they stop you?

Or just one of you goes.

Or nobody goes.

2 nights is plenty for the wedding and no need to go to a stag if he's coming to the UK to celebrate anyway. Save your holiday and your money!

... presumably she name changed to start the thread and then made a mistake.

Take kids to this place abroad. Every day half the guests don't attend the activities and look after kids.

Hire some people/professionals) to look after kids on wedding day (or take sone grandparents along)

Of course this works better with older kids than babies.

This.
When people get married abroad I'm sure they don't expect everyone to attend, especially if they say no children.
If going to the wedding means you can't afford a family holiday then yes I would say cost is an issue.

hell no- childcare for a wk in half term? They’re having a laugh!
as for the stag- I’d say let him go and sack off the wedding instead

I don’t think 7 months is much notice for people if they are expected to pay for flights etc. We usually save for a year for our holidays (but I appreciate that other people will have more disposable income).

If childcare etc is a problem, maybe your husband could just go for a few days, show his face etc. We have a similar situation (although not abroad) and the cost / childcare logistics are prohibitive so our compromise is that only one of us goes.

I don’t think they are being unreasonable marrying abroad and not including kids but they will most likely appreciate that this will mean some people can’t make it.

Yes this. I don’t understand the whole name thing 😂