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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the wedding?

102 replies

Motherbride · 21/08/2022 08:10

There’s 2 parts to why I’m annoyed about this situation..

Our friends moved abroad a few years ago (in Europe - we’re U.K.) they’re now getting married which is great! They’ve planned their wedding in said European country, fair enough. Invited all of our friendship group and family etc..

However, they’ve only given us around 7 months notice, the wedding is in half term and children are not invited (again fair enough we didn’t invite friends kids to our wedding either). But this is making things difficult in terms of childcare. They want everyone to go out for 6 days as they have activities etc planned for us which means childcare for the whole half term. Most of our friends have children so they’re asking this of everyone, not just us.

Then to make matters worse, the guy has planned his stag do for 6 weeks before the wedding in said European country again! So not only do we have to find childcare and fork out to travel to their wedding for 5 days, my DH is also being asked to fly out again to the same place for a 3 day stag do, the month before the wedding!

This has caused a riff between me and DH as I think they’re being totally unreasonable to ask of this from everyone. I think they could have planned to do the stag do here to save everyone flying out twice? Apparently he doesn’t want to ask his new friends to fly to the U.K., but he’s happy to ask his U.K. friends to fly out there twice?!

THEN to make it even more annoying, he IS coming to the U.K. for a ‘boys day’ around 4 months before the wedding.. so why can’t that just be the stag?!

DH thinks we need to just suck it up and do it all (if we can sort childcare)
I think DH should say no to the stag, but go to the wedding

Honestly I don’t even want to go to the wedding anymore, it’s going to be a nightmare to find childcare, I don’t want to ask that of someone it’s a huge ask, and I don’t really want to leave the kids all half term! But DH thinks I’ll look like a bitch if I don’t go

who’s being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherbride · 21/08/2022 10:44

Thanks for the responses

I think some of you are right that it’s not B&G being unreasonable, totally get that people can plan their wedding however they want.. but I do think they are expecting everyone to be able to go so they may have a shock!

Have spoken to some other friends but they have a lot more childcare options or only one child, mostly not school age so it’s easier for them to arrange. That’s why as it stands I’m the only wife not going

The more I read these and think about it the more I don’t want to miss out on half term with the kids, I love half term! So I’ll either go for 2 days or just not go. (still not sure about the travelling alone with baby part, has anyone does this before and can share experiences?!) B&G are happy for baby to come, they offered I didn’t ask.

They are close friends for DH, not so much for me as I haven’t seen them in years since they moved. It would be nice to go, and if it was a U.K. wedding or circumstances were different I wouldn’t definitely go. But it just might not be worth it now with all the added organising/money/childcare it would require

Also should have said DH is a groomsman, which is why we agreed he should book his flights while they were cheap as he was always going to the wedding, it’s the issue of me not going and all the half term, childcare, stag do stuff that’s caused the riff

OP posts:
thesurrealist · 21/08/2022 10:48

They are getting married on a date that suits them in the country in which they live.
They probably only have a vague idea of when school holidays are because they don't live in the UK.
They have arranged it so people can have a few days holiday as well and catch up with everyone.
They are not au fait with all of their friends financial situations - for most people 7 months notice is fine
They are even happy for you to bring your baby to their childfree wedding

They are not doing anything that is unreasonable.

Go, don't go. It's up to you but how about you actually talk to your friends instead of bitching about them on here. Or is it just that you want people to agree that they are selfish, evil people having a holiday abroad (even if it's their home) that is childfree and offering things t do for a few extra days. In which case crack on, but don't expect someone to arrange their wedding to suit you.

Glitteratitar · 21/08/2022 10:48

You’re making a much bigger deal about this than necessary.

You simply don’t go for the entire 6 days. Fly out the day before or potentially morning or, leave the morning after. Tell the bride and groom you have childcare issues and leave it at that.

Tippexy · 21/08/2022 10:50

PeskyYeti · 21/08/2022 08:32

Name change fail?

Why do people do this? Do you think you’re the only one who can see it?

Maireas · 21/08/2022 10:51

You've not said how old the baby is or will be at the time of the wedding?

Glitteratitar · 21/08/2022 10:51

Tippexy · 21/08/2022 10:50

Why do people do this? Do you think you’re the only one who can see it?

Show quote history

Because OP clearly didn’t, and she needs to know somehow…

Pollyjun · 21/08/2022 10:52

Go for a couple of days.
You are in no way obliged to go for the whole thing, you're being ridiculous.

Stag is a big no.

Glitteratitar · 21/08/2022 10:54

B&G are happy for baby to come, they offered I didn’t ask

So they are actually trying to be accommodating and helpful…

babyjellyfish · 21/08/2022 10:54

My husband and I got married in the European country where we live. I had my hen in London to save people travelling twice. We didn't plan any activities other than the wedding day itself.

There's nothing wrong with anything they have planned, but also no reason why you need to go to all of it.

In your position I would skip the stag, and just go out for 48 hours or so for the wedding.

If your husband really wants to go to the stag and you can afford it, you could say fine on condition that you get a childfree weekend to do what you like some other time.

midsomermurderess · 21/08/2022 10:57

Stravaig · 21/08/2022 09:36

So you allowed DH to bully you into approving his plan, even though you were nowhere near on board with it. And now you're rewriting the original scenario to present DH in a better light. You called yourself a people pleaser. What happens if you say no to DH? What happens if you insist on making a genuinely joint plan with him?

Oh for heaven’s sake. Don’t you just live all he drama. You know next to nothing about the poster and her relationship and off you go, extrapolating from that to borderline abuse. Ridiculous.

Thatiswild · 21/08/2022 11:04

My DH went to a wedding in France on his own when we’d recently had a baby. He just went for a few days and I stayed home with our two kids. I would have liked to have gone but I decided it would be too much like hard work as I’d just be attached to the baby feeding the whole time anyway. They were absolutely fine about it and completely understood. I’d say if you can get childcare and are comfortable going alone go, if not don’t. They honestly won’t be bothered on the day when they’re having a great time.

PimlicoUK · 21/08/2022 11:05

I’ve had to do this, although it was prior to kids, and I deeply regret it.
It’s a massive imposition to ask guests to spend this kind of time and money.
Ask yourself this: would they do the same for you? If there’s even a small inkling that they wouldn’t, then politely decline.

HeadNorth · 21/08/2022 11:12

If your DH really wants you to go to the wedding, he needs to change his flights so he can fly out with you and his baby for 2/3 days and not miss all of his children’s half term. They are the only circumstances in which it would be reasonable to expect expect you to attend. Otherwise, you stay home with the children.

FlowerArranger · 21/08/2022 11:13

Stravaig · 21/08/2022 09:11

You don't have a wedding invitation problem, you can simply decline all or part of it. You have a selfish and disrespectful DH who does whatever he wants without any thought or consultation with you about family finances, family holidays and childcare responsibilities problem.

What I was going to say.

And, seeing that most of the couple's friends have kids, it's unreasonable for them to insist on a child-free wedding.

Hadjab · 21/08/2022 11:15

Why do people always have to be so dramatic regarding wedding invites? I’m pretty sure the B & G aren’t expecting you to attend for six days, but would love it if you did, hence the activities. If you can’t manage to get childcare, seven months from now - which is actually ample notice given it’s a European wedding - then book what you can, or just don’t go, you’re under absolutely no obligations.

Maireas · 21/08/2022 11:32

To be fair, @Hadjab, there is social and personal pressure. Often you feel bad about going and think you should make an effort. However, this does sound too difficult and I wouldn't go

Crazycrazylady · 21/08/2022 11:35

Honestly I'd tell your dh to go to stag but decline wedding citing childcare. Most people want to spend a bit of time with their kids around half term and wouldn't want to leave them for 6 days even if they could find child care.

CraftyYankee · 21/08/2022 11:40

If your DH wants you and baby to come for a few days tell him he needs to arrange picking you up at the airport and transporting you to wedding site. Either himself or arranging for a car.

If he wants you there that badly make him deal with it. Otherwise don't go. No one else will care and he's getting lots of non parenting time here. And spending your family holiday money on two solo trips. He should put in the extra legwork at a minimum.

billy1966 · 21/08/2022 11:43

Wouldn't dream of it.

I have given foreign weddings a swerve since having children and haven't given it a second thought.

If you work full-time, I wouldn't use childcare good will up on a wedding either.

As for leaving children for 6 days, not a chance.

I would be seriously unimpressed if my husband wanted to head over for 6 days.

Two nights max in his own if their are very young children at home.

Each to their own.

Ellmau · 21/08/2022 11:46

Seven months suggests February. Whilst escaping even for a few days to France is appealing, February is not a time for long evenings sitting in the garden or outside in a local restaurant.

Maybe a ski resort? In which case the Feb half term will be peak prices and possibly quite significant additional costs if the activities are things like skiing and other winter sports. I suspect they're not going to be paid by the B&G.

Ellmau · 21/08/2022 11:47

And if the stag do is the same, that could be very pricy.

AgathaPastie · 21/08/2022 11:49

Your 'D'H is being unreasonable by saying 'you'll look like a bitch if you don't go'
That would be my first concern

perimenofertility · 21/08/2022 11:54

It's their wedding, his stag do, her hen do, they are more than entitled to plan it exactly how they want it to be without having to consider you and your financial or childcare restrictions.
You are completely allowed to turn down the invitation, or agree to attend the wedding only and not the full 6 days of activity.
"No" is a powerful word to learn.

Youtoldmeonce · 21/08/2022 11:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

AgathaPastie · 21/08/2022 12:01

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Oh I'd have to ask why I wasn't invited