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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the wedding?

102 replies

Motherbride · 21/08/2022 08:10

There’s 2 parts to why I’m annoyed about this situation..

Our friends moved abroad a few years ago (in Europe - we’re U.K.) they’re now getting married which is great! They’ve planned their wedding in said European country, fair enough. Invited all of our friendship group and family etc..

However, they’ve only given us around 7 months notice, the wedding is in half term and children are not invited (again fair enough we didn’t invite friends kids to our wedding either). But this is making things difficult in terms of childcare. They want everyone to go out for 6 days as they have activities etc planned for us which means childcare for the whole half term. Most of our friends have children so they’re asking this of everyone, not just us.

Then to make matters worse, the guy has planned his stag do for 6 weeks before the wedding in said European country again! So not only do we have to find childcare and fork out to travel to their wedding for 5 days, my DH is also being asked to fly out again to the same place for a 3 day stag do, the month before the wedding!

This has caused a riff between me and DH as I think they’re being totally unreasonable to ask of this from everyone. I think they could have planned to do the stag do here to save everyone flying out twice? Apparently he doesn’t want to ask his new friends to fly to the U.K., but he’s happy to ask his U.K. friends to fly out there twice?!

THEN to make it even more annoying, he IS coming to the U.K. for a ‘boys day’ around 4 months before the wedding.. so why can’t that just be the stag?!

DH thinks we need to just suck it up and do it all (if we can sort childcare)
I think DH should say no to the stag, but go to the wedding

Honestly I don’t even want to go to the wedding anymore, it’s going to be a nightmare to find childcare, I don’t want to ask that of someone it’s a huge ask, and I don’t really want to leave the kids all half term! But DH thinks I’ll look like a bitch if I don’t go

who’s being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
BarrelOfOtters · 21/08/2022 08:55

To it all, if they are good friends and it sounds fun and Money isn’t an issue. Make some memories.

Spanielsarepainless · 21/08/2022 08:55

I would just decline the invitation.

ExcaliburBaby · 21/08/2022 08:56

People are absolutely ridiculous expecting you to ditch your kids for al of half term. I wouldn’t do that either. I’d probably all go and make it the family holiday for the year, stay in a different hotel and just send DH off to the wedding solo. I’d say it’s not fair to leave the children all half term. The stag do I’d be irritated by but probably just suck it up.

Caroffee · 21/08/2022 08:57

No way. Nobody would do this. I think boys day in UK can be stag do and husband alone flies out for wedding (but not the whole 6 days) is a reasonable compromise and the most that the B&G can expect.

Original poster
Motherbride · 21/08/2022 08:59

The reason 7 months isn’t a lot of notice for us is partly cost, we have loads coming up over the next 6 months so having to save and plan for an extra 2 holidays is a lot. We can just about afford it, but I know some of our friends are struggling to. Like a previous poster said, lots of people have to save for a year or so do afford a trip abroad.

DH has already booked his flights to go for the week, he booked with a group of others while I try to figure out what I’m doing.

He’s not willing to compromise on the stag, so basically he’s going to both no matter what. The issue that’s causing the riff is that he thinks it will look bad if I don’t go to the wedding at all. Obviously I could leave the children for 2/3 days and fly out with the baby but I just don’t really want to. I think this is why he’s saying I will look bad by not going.

I’m a people pleaser by nature so saying “no sorry I don’t want to” doesn’t come easy to me, but that might just be what I have to do!

OP posts:
00100001 · 21/08/2022 09:01

Well, he can sort it out then can't he if he insists on both of you going.

Also him to find childcare and to find the money to pay for everything.

AverageJoan · 21/08/2022 09:05

I think your DH IBU most here, sorting his own flights while you 'work out what you want to do' and sort/worry about the childcare etc. isn't great. However if you don't want to go for whatever reason then just tell B&G, I'm sure you won't be the only one unable to meet their demands

NerrSnerr · 21/08/2022 09:06

If you can afford it as a family and if you're able to get the childcare (and it would be somewhere the children would enjoy) I would do my best to go. I would only do this if my husband would be happy for me to do the equivalent if it came up (multiple hen dos or whatever).

burnoutbabe · 21/08/2022 09:07

Indeed if he had booked his own flights then I'd not bother attending at all
He can sort out cheap rooms sharing with other blokes. Much more sensible.

Does mean half term child care all on you though unfortunately.

NerrSnerr · 21/08/2022 09:07

He should also arrange the childcare though!

DiscoBadgers · 21/08/2022 09:10

No to the stag and just go out for a day or two for the actual wedding.

Stravaig · 21/08/2022 09:11

You don't have a wedding invitation problem, you can simply decline all or part of it. You have a selfish and disrespectful DH who does whatever he wants without any thought or consultation with you about family finances, family holidays and childcare responsibilities problem.

Cactuslockdown · 21/08/2022 09:12

Sounds like these are more your DHs
friends than yours OP? If so, just let him go
to both and then you’re owed one weekend and one week away with your friends later!! A child free wedding abroad in school
hols is pretty thoughtless IME.

PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior · 21/08/2022 09:12

Your DH is a twat.

DogsAndGin · 21/08/2022 09:12

Ludicrous self-obsessed garbage. Who do they think they are? You get a wedding day, a few hours of your loved ones’ time, not weeks on end! I’d tell them to shove it.

Redburnett · 21/08/2022 09:12

You don't 'have' to do anything. Just politely decline the invitation and ignore stag do.

Maireas · 21/08/2022 09:13

Stravaig · 21/08/2022 09:11

You don't have a wedding invitation problem, you can simply decline all or part of it. You have a selfish and disrespectful DH who does whatever he wants without any thought or consultation with you about family finances, family holidays and childcare responsibilities problem.

Yes, I think this is the problem.

Branleuse · 21/08/2022 09:13

It is unreasonable, but your dh really wants to go, and youre the only one worrying about silly woman-details such as extended childcare and the cost of it all.
I wouldnt go.

2u2me2me2u · 21/08/2022 09:14

DH has already booked his flights to go for the week, he booked with a group of others while I try to figure out what I’m doing.

Wow … I can’t believe your DH has booked his flights whilst you’re still thinking about what to do and how to sort! Has he done this with the idea he can have a few extra days with the lads if you go home after 2/3?

id do what other posters say, go for a couple of days only and I’d expect my DH to to the same!

Maireas · 21/08/2022 09:15

Whereabouts in Europe?
I'm amazed anyone thinks people would want to celebrate their wedding for a whole week, while leaving their children at home.

Original poster
Motherbride · 21/08/2022 09:20

The way I worded the bit about DH going probably makes him sound like a twat but it wasn’t like that.. it was a lengthy discussion and we decided it was best for him to book while the prices were cheaper, get a room in the air b&b that everyone else is staying in etc, then if we can sort childcare I’ll book onto the flight at a later date. It’s actually him that’s sorted childcare for the first couple of days as he really wants me to go. So he’s not being a twat about that, just the part where he thinks I’m unreasonable for not going at all!

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherbride · 21/08/2022 09:22

@Maireas the wedding is in France, so easy enough to add myself on at a later date if I choose to.

the B&G don’t have kids which is why it’s been planned in half term, they understandably don’t have to think about children, childcare etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherbride · 21/08/2022 09:24

Yes @Cactuslockdown they are more DH’s friends, and I love the idea of a weekend away myself at a later date!

I would be the only wife not attending though which I think is why DH is getting stressed at the prospect of me not going at all.

The thought of catching a plane with baby on my own then navigating my way through France to find them does scare me though!

OP posts:
GlamGiraffe · 21/08/2022 09:24

Two trips abroad and no holiday next year for your children so you can spend extended periods of time at a wedding/stag while your children are packed off over half term is extremely mean and unfair on them.

Both of you going for two or even three days to the actual wedding if you both want to go is fine.
Presumably the groom is now having the day here as his mates are all in the same predicament and most can't attend the overseas bash so the day will be the main event. Has anyone spoken? Have you spoken to other guests? Especially ones with children.

Just because you are invited to a six day extravaganza it does not mean you have to attend the whole thing in much the same way as if a party ends at 2am it isn't compulsory to stay until that time. You stay for the important bit then can go- a wedding is the same, you are there to celebrate their marriage not a week long party.

Ourlady · 21/08/2022 09:27

Far too much hassle. I would tell him to just go by himself. Tough if he doesn’t like it. At the end of the day it’s not about what other people think it’s what works best for you and your family.