To not go to the wedding?

[Motherbride]

There’s 2 parts to why I’m annoyed about this situation..

Our friends moved abroad a few years ago (in Europe - we’re U.K.) they’re now getting married which is great! They’ve planned their wedding in said European country, fair enough. Invited all of our friendship group and family etc..

However, they’ve only given us around 7 months notice, the wedding is in half term and children are not invited (again fair enough we didn’t invite friends kids to our wedding either). But this is making things difficult in terms of childcare. They want everyone to go out for 6 days as they have activities etc planned for us which means childcare for the whole half term. Most of our friends have children so they’re asking this of everyone, not just us.

Then to make matters worse, the guy has planned his stag do for 6 weeks before the wedding in said European country again! So not only do we have to find childcare and fork out to travel to their wedding for 5 days, my DH is also being asked to fly out again to the same place for a 3 day stag do, the month before the wedding!

This has caused a riff between me and DH as I think they’re being totally unreasonable to ask of this from everyone. I think they could have planned to do the stag do here to save everyone flying out twice? Apparently he doesn’t want to ask his new friends to fly to the U.K., but he’s happy to ask his U.K. friends to fly out there twice?!

THEN to make it even more annoying, he IS coming to the U.K. for a ‘boys day’ around 4 months before the wedding.. so why can’t that just be the stag?!

DH thinks we need to just suck it up and do it all (if we can sort childcare)
I think DH should say no to the stag, but go to the wedding

Honestly I don’t even want to go to the wedding anymore, it’s going to be a nightmare to find childcare, I don’t want to ask that of someone it’s a huge ask, and I don’t really want to leave the kids all half term! But DH thinks I’ll look like a bitch if I don’t go

who’s being unreasonable here?

We had a similar problem a few years ago - the wedding was in South America , they wanted everywhere for a week and I had a toddler & a baby.
I sent my husband off while it was his friend & I stayed at home. I was the only wife not to go but hey ho, we survived & were still friends with the B&G now.

I don't think the B&G are being unreasonable by having the celebrations that they want to have and they can't consider everyone's individual circumstances but they will have to accept not everyone will be able to attend everything. Words such as asking and expecting are being used when surely they are just inviting. The response to an invitation can be either yes or no so noone is being unreasonable.

It is up to you and DH to decide what works best for your family set up and join in with whatever parts you can. It does sound like your DH is not listening to your pov and has just decided what he wants to do. I wouldn't be happy about him going over for the stag as presumably the G is expecting the boys day to be like a stag for his uk friends. I would go to at least some of the wedding if possibly but if you really don't want to you're not U to decline.

How old will your baby be?
Not seeing your other children for the whole of a half term seems a bit much, really. Husband should just go on his own.

We received one or two replies that were basically this word for word, polite, happy and lovely. We didn’t mind at all.

If someone invites people to a wedding abroad they run the risk of more people not coming, so will have to deal with it. It’s a friend too, not like it’s your own parent or sibling’s wedding. I wouldn’t go.

So you allowed DH to bully you into approving his plan, even though you were nowhere near on board with it. And now you're rewriting the original scenario to present DH in a better light. You called yourself a people pleaser. What happens if you say no to DH? What happens if you insist on making a genuinely joint plan with him?

Other people shouldn't get to dictate how you spend your money and time. There's no way I'd do this for a wedding.

7 months notice isn't enough...? I'd have thought that was very generous!

Really though, I'm amazed by how many people come and post this sort of thing on here. It's not brain surgery is it.

Personally, I'd say I can do the stag OR the wedding, but not both. I mean, fuck would I be travelling out twice!
And as for the 6 day wedding, the B & G aren't the bosses of you. Just send a nice message, "Hi B & G, we'll be delighted to join you on the 24th, 25th and 26th March for your wedding! We're looking forward to seeing you both! Love, OP and DP." What they going to do? Uninvite you? Then they're not the good friends you thought, and have saved you a lot of expense and bother.

It would be a hard and firm NO from me. I absolutely loathe these types of weddings where people expect their guests to fork out money, childcare and precious annual leave on them. How arrogant are some people? Sure you can say it's an invitation not a summons, but there is an expectation and awkward feelings after if you do decline. The only abroad wedding I went to was in my own home country, but that's because it benefitted me to do other things while there. My dsis tried this and we all shot down that idea very quick.

Exactly, people are becoming more self absorbed by the day.

I'd go for 3 nights if I could get childcare. No to stag do.

They aren't dictating, that's why it's called an invitation FFS!

YABU, but on a technicality - this is 100% your DH's fault, not the bride and groom. HE'S chosen to spunk the holiday money on his jaunts to Europe for a piss up, including one he definitely doesn't have to go on because there's already been an alternative UK version planned; HE'S the one who's done it with no input from you seemingly allowed, including booking tickets without you, which is bizarre as hell; and HE'S the one putting pressure on you to come even though you don't want to.

Don't blame the marrying couple for him being a dick about it, this is all him!

Don’t be surprised if most people don’t do the 6 day thing. I think most people would find it an issue either with childcare or even being off at a lot of workplaces at half term.
They can plan anything they like, doesn’t mean people will do it. It’s very easy to plan other peoples time/spending.
Id do 2/3 days at wedding and they should be REALLY grateful if you do, especially with no children.

Ok but you must realise that with such an invitation comes along the pressure of accepting. Look at how many of these threads where people feel so stressed out, and even worse if it's a family wedding.

If they've said no children is the baby actually welcome? How old will it be?

While I think it's absolutely fine to have a child-free wedding, I also think it's a bit daft to do so, if you are asking people to travel abroad. You're making it impossible for many of your friends to attend.

I would either just not go, as bit unreasonable to expect people to fly out without their kids (very different to kid free wedding where most people will be in the same country) or just go for the wedding day and only leave your kids for 2 or so nights. Alternatively if you have grandparents ect who fancy a holiday, they could come with you and all have a holiday nearby, then you attend the wedding for one day. Personally I would not consider attending a week of activities if your kids were not invited (unless they are old enough to leave on their own). Just think it is too big an ask.

Don't think you and your DH should feel like he has to go to the STAG either.

just go for the wedding part w the baby.
it’s up to dh what he does re stag.
what are your mutual friends doing?

@ChagSameachDoreen

aye saved on money, missed out fun

life’s too short

Yes if you have a baby, assume they would at least allow the baby if you asked. They can't expect you to leave a baby in a different country and if they do I definitely would't go.

Your issue is not the bride and groom, it's your DH. He is putting this wedding ahead of his children (and you).

I really don’t think the couple are being unreasonable - it’s their wedding and they can do what they want

but you are not obliged to go at all or for the whole event

so DH goes for a couple of days if he wants and you both go to the wedding for a couple of days - job done

there’s no way I’d leave my toddler for 6 days and would just explain why - you won’t be the only guest with that issue

@DogsAndGin

are u one of those people who want a wedding over and done with ASAP?

you do see it on mumsnet - they want the ceremony to start as late as possible then are really begrudging of the reception seeing it as just a party and wanting to leave ASAP

Tbh I find his reasoning a bit annoying too - saying he wants you to go because you're the only wife not attending makes you sound like a handbag. You're not his eye candy, you're his partner, and you clearly don't want to waste all your family's holiday time and money on him hanging out with his mates and showing you off at their wedding.

So don't do it - tell him you're pissed off he's going to the foreign stag do when he could have attended the UK one (which I'm going to lay money on being an alternative stag do the groom laid on for people who can't attend, so that was quite thoughtful of the groom actually); and as he's decided to waste so much of your family holiday money and time on his mates you're going to arrange to have a holiday with the kids when he goes away.

It's not totally fair, as he should be bearing the brunt of parenthood too, but at least you get somewhat of a family holiday.

Or, if your kids are young and won't care, tell him you're taking the same amount of money out of the pot that he's just spent and you can go somewhere with your friends when he's back. He can stay at home and parent while you get some time away - I think I'd prefer that myself, actually 😂

Seven months suggests February. Whilst escaping even for a few days to France is appealing, February is not a time for long evenings sitting in the garden or outside in a local restaurant.

In your shoes I'd be tempted just to go for a day or two around the wedding, if at all.