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Original poster

DH has completely changed

532 replies

GeorgiaDe · 20/08/2022 17:18

My DH has completely altered his worldview/ opinion over the last few years. It was gradual, and only now am I coming to realise the full extent of it. We've been together for 15 years.

He believes in the great reset, believes there will be a nuclear war, covid is a hoax and the vaccines are killing people. He's stockpiled around £3k worth of food/ camping equipment/ knives. Our spare room is full of this stuff. He's also invested thousands into cryptocurrency.

He believes that inflation is all part of the "plan" and all the world leaders are "in on it" together.

I can't take it anymore. He disrespects my opinion by continuing to talk about it daily, even when I've expressed that I do not share the same opinion and don't want to argue about it. He tells me that "I will see when the time comes."

Every time there's news of a celebrity death/ unexplained death of a young person, he blames the covid vaccine. He threatened to leave me if I got it, although changed his mind when I made clear how serious I was.

Aibu to feel at the end of my tether? It's so draining.

OP posts:
Truthseeker456 · 20/08/2022 18:30

Listen to Jordan Petterson, then decide ....

Gerwurtztraminer · 20/08/2022 18:38

@Charlize43
Please don't abandon him. It sounds like he needs psychiatric help

I think that is inappropriate language to use in the circumstance and tantamount to emotional blackmail for her to stay. It's not 'abandoning' someone to decide to walk away from a relationship where the OP husband has changed out of all recognition from the person she loved, is disrespecting her, trying to force her to follow his views by threatening to leave her, spending joint money without her consent and generally making her life untenable with the constant badgering of her about his beliefs.

None of us can judge if he has psychiatric issues based on the description. Many people with extreme views hold down jobs, participate in normal life and (as OP says) seem normal to others around them, just those most close to them. They may have bizarre views, strangely skewed logic and terrible judgement about whose opinions to trust, or even just not be very intelligent, but it doesn't mean they are mentally ill.

OP, if leaving is what you need for a fresh start and a new life, then do that without guilt. Remember, it's not you that have changed the fundamental foundations of your relationships. And maybe the shock of realising what he has lost in a split might make him reconsider, and eventually you can find your way back to each other. However it's unlikely to happen if you go on as you have been with no change to the dynamic.

Original poster
GeorgiaDe · 20/08/2022 18:42

mcmooberry · 20/08/2022 18:11

My DH is just the same! Listens to podcasts which confirm his views! He also has stockpiled food and has just bought a generator as he is sure there are going to be power cuts! Also un-vaccinated and blaming the death or various young sports people on the vaccine (without any evidence that they have even been vaccinated). Am also fed up with it. He thinks I should take all my savings out of the bank and buy gold. I actually think wfh with no social interaction has sent him bonkers.

Yes, I forgot about the gold (and silver in his case) He has boxes upon boxes of silver coins.

I really appreciate everyone's advice, I was hesitant about posting on aibu, however, I'm glad I did.

It's so difficult to think clearly when you're in this situation.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 20/08/2022 18:42

Tinytinseltown · 20/08/2022 18:04

Sorry to hear this - I work in this field, it’s not at all east for friends and family.

First off, this doesn’t necessarily mean MH issues, but it’s worth checking for signs of genuine paranoia. From what you’ve described it doesn’t sound like that, but if it is then there’s more specific pathways to help.

More likely from what you’ve said is that he’s fallen into a trap that literally millions have, which is partly to do with the way the internet works, partly to do with the speed of comms, partly to do with bad actors (as they’re broadly called in security policy terms) taking advantage of credulous people - sometimes it’s for profit, sometimes for profile, sometimes if it’s government it’s more complex - and partly to do with a feeling of insecurity in the world (COVID as the pandemic was bad enough, but the disinfodemic is perhaps longer lasting)

If it’s any consolation, he’s one of literally millions globally that have been shown to be more susceptible to being hoodwinked, and the sad irony is that he thinks he’s actually the one who is thinking clearly.

The bad news is that the best psychological science shows there’s no easy fix. We have some ideas, primarily from cult deprogramming, but honestly we’re in the Wild West with this stuff - the internet (and dark web) moves too quickly, bad actors are far more adept at exploiting it than good actors, and there’s no resource or money to help fix it.

Everything I’ve worked on suggests that friends and family are actually the best at deprogramming, but only if it’s safe - if the other side isn’t volatile or won’t be in the future. The best thing to do is probe how he came to these conclusions himself (emphasising ‘himself’) - he needs to question the ‘evidence’ he’s seeing on YouTube, and step one is to acknowledge that he hasn’t actually had an original thought on any of these subjects - he’s just parroting others. What are the motivations of these others? Often it’s money through advertising or product, look at Alex Jones FFS). What are their qualifications? Probably none. What is their background? Why should he believe them? Why doesn’t he do his own thinking on this? If we can get him to that point then the scales start to fall from their eyes in some cases and they can be brought back. There’s a lot more to it, happy to discuss sometime if that would help.

It’s really hard OP, and it shouldn’t have to be on you, sorry about that.

Smart post.

mathanxiety · 20/08/2022 18:43

Don't move house with him.

Sell the house you live in now and split the proceeds, or he can buy you out.

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. He has a serious cognitive disorder and there is nothing you can do about it. Don't waste time kidding yourself about this.

Start looking for a place of your own asap.

Sorry to be so blunt.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 20/08/2022 18:45

My dad can be a bit like this. My mum left him last year, and I've never seen her happier.

windywoo78 · 20/08/2022 18:45

I'm shocked at the amount of people saying mental illness. My exDH holds these views. In fact anything that's deemed mainstream or the norm, his view will be the exact opposite. Never considered it to be a mental illness. It worries me so much the influence he's going to have on my DS11

EmmaH2022 · 20/08/2022 18:45

Like a pp, I am wondering if you are moving somewhere remote.

definitely not a time to move.

actually acquiring that amount of food, the silver etc, points more and more to it being something that won't change. Sorry.

did this come out of the blue with lockdown? If he always had these tendencies, it's even more worrying.

mathanxiety · 20/08/2022 18:46

You need to get the stashes of coins and the crypto valued so that the assets can be divided equally if bought with marital income.

You need to set up your own personal bank account and you need to keep careful track of any joint account you have with a view to moving half of it into your own account.

You need to get your hands on all his income and savings information and all the joint investment I found there may be.

Do you have a job?

Original poster
GeorgiaDe · 20/08/2022 18:49

We're not moving anywhere remote, because I've said I won't. However, it's something he talks about and wants to do in the future.

I'm sad because the man I knew for 12/ 13 years is no longer the same person. I don't know how some YouTube videos can change someone's fundamental beliefs or grasp on reality, but it seems they can. I'm really struggling in terms of what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeorgiaDe · 20/08/2022 18:51

mathanxiety · 20/08/2022 18:46

You need to get the stashes of coins and the crypto valued so that the assets can be divided equally if bought with marital income.

You need to set up your own personal bank account and you need to keep careful track of any joint account you have with a view to moving half of it into your own account.

You need to get your hands on all his income and savings information and all the joint investment I found there may be.

Do you have a job?

Yes, I have a job. I earn a decent wage. His crypto (assets as he calls them) are all password protected and I'd have no idea of how to access them.

OP posts:
W00p · 20/08/2022 18:53

You don't have to sacrifice your happiness to accommodate him OP.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 20/08/2022 18:54

Treat it like if he’s been captured by a cult, which he has. Unless you have time,inclination and resources to get him deprogrammed, he isn’t coming back soon. I couldn’t live like that.Has he used joint money to buy all this stuff? Do you share ownership of this property? If so, I’d agree digging needs to be done so asserts can be share equitably. (Mind you a generator might be useful this winter)

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 20/08/2022 18:55

You haven’t got kids have you op?

Original poster
GeorgiaDe · 20/08/2022 18:57

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 20/08/2022 18:55

You haven’t got kids have you op?

We were trying. Unfortunately I had two MC.

OP posts:
amusedbush · 20/08/2022 18:58

My friend left her husband a year ago due to this. He turned into a flat earth, anti-vax, covid-denying conspiracy theorist - a total tinfoil hat job.

He actually started his own YouTube channel spouting this nonsense (I don’t know what his username is), stopped working, stopped bathing, and started trying to brainwash their teenage children.

I know you have been together for a long time, OP, but it doesn’t sound like he’s in a place where he even wants to come back to reality. I would leave.

Original poster
GeorgiaDe · 20/08/2022 18:58

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 20/08/2022 18:54

Treat it like if he’s been captured by a cult, which he has. Unless you have time,inclination and resources to get him deprogrammed, he isn’t coming back soon. I couldn’t live like that.Has he used joint money to buy all this stuff? Do you share ownership of this property? If so, I’d agree digging needs to be done so asserts can be share equitably. (Mind you a generator might be useful this winter)

Yes, he's used joint money. Sometimes money we don't really have.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeorgiaDe · 20/08/2022 19:00

The thing is he just comes across as so normal to everyone else.

He doesn't go as far as claiming the earth is flat. However, it wouldn't surprise me now.

OP posts:
ButchersGirl · 20/08/2022 19:03

I'm so sorry for what you're going through OP, it must be such an isolating place to be in.

I have zero sympathy and zero time for anyone who believes all this nonsense, it stems from pure narcissism that 'they know more than everyone else' and are somehow 'special' for understanding. I think, sadly, you may have lost him for good.

Put yourself first, get out and live a happy, normal life in the real world. It will be scary going it alone after so many years but your life is worth more than this weirdness.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 20/08/2022 19:03

Sounds like a severe case of paranoia, its tough but if you can't reason reason with him and he is doing a lot of crazy shit, I think you need to protect yourself. That would be exhausting being around that all the time. My XDP was getting to be quite paranoid, a very similar vein to you DH, but I completely shut him down every time and called out his bizarre out bursts. However he is now my XDP....

theemmadilemma · 20/08/2022 19:03

The covid vaccines have killed and disabled people, that's why there's a way of claiming for it.

LateAF · 20/08/2022 19:04

Truthseeker456 · 20/08/2022 18:30

Listen to Jordan Petterson, then decide ....

What for? That man is incoherent. I once saw him described as a stupid person’s idea of what a smart person is, and after watching a few videos of him and listening to some interviews, I tend to agree with that assessment of him.

Confrontayshunme · 20/08/2022 19:09

@GeorgiaDe My dad only started with collecting canned food and having a spare stash of ammunition and a hidden weapon. It didn't start with the entire arsenal and prepper storage unit. It escalated because he never got the ultimatum he needed. You aren't getting your DH back. I am sorry if you can't see that. You need to tell him he has to change and be prepared to leave if he doesn't.

Spodocomod0 · 20/08/2022 19:14

He has an opinion, so do you, but he is the one with a mental illness? So just check out The world economic forum fronted by Klaus schwab. Prince Charles opened the 2020 convention.schwab and Charles both said the world needs a "reset". Schwab also said "you will have nothing and be happy". Check it out.make of it what you will.Charles talks a good talk.he wants a paradigm shift, ecologically he makes sense. But we've been decieved before.is it likely that we will be again? And do you think the rich of this world will go without in times of crises and want.will they,do they share fairly? Or will they throw us to the wolves as usual. Maybe he's a bit ott. Maybe he's worried.

GeorgeorRuth · 20/08/2022 19:17

I work with someone like your DH OP. Worked all through lockdown so it wasn't that but he fell further down the covid conspiracy theories rabbit hole then. He isn't mentally ill just gullible. He believes just about every conspiracy going. Covid denier, vaccine culling, Flat earth, great resets, Jewish conspiracy, holocaust denier, chemtrails plus a shedload more. Its tiring. I'm amazed he hasn't been fired
If something comes from 'authority', then it's a lie, cover up or to control us.