Page 3 | Please help. Separation, unmarried he owns house and we have kids

mosel · 2022-08-20T11:51:22+00:00

Posting here for traffic We have two kids, we need to split, he owns the house. Do I have any rights to stay at the property? I am main cater and we've lived here for the childrens whole lives

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 14:23

HeartofTeFiti · 20/08/2022 13:45

@prepared101 because they fall in love, and make poor choices because they have no idea how those choices will bite them when things sour in the years ahead. When children come along that's often when things get difficult in a relationship (several years together with young kids is hard work and a financial strain; things are maybe getting a bit boring; the man misses his single life and doesnt pull his weight and becomes a misery to live with; the woman is desperate because financially she is at her most vulnerable with young kids).

OP you don't have a leg go stand on legally. If you are not being abused: patch things up with DH, persuade him to marry you fast, stick around for 5 years so it's not a short marriage, then split when the kids are older and you can afford to go back to work full time. Spend the 5 years making sure you are on top of the household finances; make him pay his share plus some and get yourself some savings. When you split make sure you get a good share in the divorce.

If you can't manage this then be careful when you split: tell him you'll gave the kids 100% so you get the max CMS and he can have occasional visitation eg every other weekend and one weeknight. Make him pay for everything you possibly can.

You are joking! Way to make a bad situation worse

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 14:25

tenbob · 20/08/2022 14:22

Sadly my best friend was in this exact situation…
He let her stay in the house for a bit but it was then sold and he kept all the equity, other than £1500 for her to use as a deposit for her rental flat
She had contributed to bills and the mortgage before their kids were born, and had then been a SAHM

she went to see a solicitor who said she might have a claim under Article something or other, but after spending a few grand on legal fees, she was ultimately told she had little chance of winning and it would be a waste of money to pursue it.

he also insists on having the kids 50:50, so that he doesn’t need to pay her any maintenance, but contributes towards their nursery fees (but it’s a term time only one, and he won’t pay childcare during the holidays which has made it really really hard for her to work)

Sorry, it’s so shit. I hope you can come to an amicable agreement

So why not move them to a full time nursery?

notanothertakeaway · 20/08/2022 14:28

If you are in Scotland, I believe there may be limited circumstances in which the court could make an order allowing you to live there. If you're unmarried, I think it's for maximum 6 months. But probably quite difficult to obtain, and definitely not a long term solution

Scepticalwotsits · 20/08/2022 14:29

tenbob · 20/08/2022 14:22

Sadly my best friend was in this exact situation…
He let her stay in the house for a bit but it was then sold and he kept all the equity, other than £1500 for her to use as a deposit for her rental flat
She had contributed to bills and the mortgage before their kids were born, and had then been a SAHM

she went to see a solicitor who said she might have a claim under Article something or other, but after spending a few grand on legal fees, she was ultimately told she had little chance of winning and it would be a waste of money to pursue it.

he also insists on having the kids 50:50, so that he doesn’t need to pay her any maintenance, but contributes towards their nursery fees (but it’s a term time only one, and he won’t pay childcare during the holidays which has made it really really hard for her to work)

Sorry, it’s so shit. I hope you can come to an amicable agreement

Sorry about your friends situation it’s shit.

but why is a man who pushes for 50/50 seen as being tight , or avoiding paying (will cost them more) but at the same time if they get every other weekend and a weeknight they are lazy, or Disney dads. At the same time if it’s the latter option they are also activated for making it impossible to work?

maybe if both sides though less about getting one over and more about the kids things would be better all around

tenbob · 20/08/2022 14:33

@LittleBearPad
Because he doesn’t want them to move nurseries. It doesn’t advantage him in any way to pay a bigger nursery bill when he can palm them off on his mum during the holidays

He will also probably claim it’s because it’s attached to the school where the older one now goes to school, and because they live in neighbouring villages and it’s close to both of them making 50:50 easier

but my BF can’t just swap them to another nursery and more than he can

its just a really shitty situation, and one that I wish that the LTB crew were more aware is there reality for a lot of women

CheshireCat1 · 20/08/2022 14:36

I honestly don’t why to are asking advice on here for something that you really need expert help with, please speak to a solicitor before you do anything. Do not leave the house before you’ve spoken to one.

AndSoFinally · 20/08/2022 14:41

Because he doesn’t want them to move nurseries. It doesn’t advantage him in any way to pay a bigger nursery bill when he can palm them off on his mum during the holidays

So he won't pay for holiday childcare, but is providing half the childcare during the holidays? I don't see what wrong with that?

tenbob · 20/08/2022 14:43

@Scepticalwotsits

He came straight out and said that he had been advised by a solicitor that he wouldn’t have to pay maintenance if he had them 50:50, so that’s what he now wanted.

he palms them off on someone else at the first opportunity, and his idea of ‘parenting’ is either chucking them on the trampoline for a couple of hours, or sitting them on the sofa to watch him play x-box
ironically, a large part of the reason they split was because he was so lazy around the house and with their boys

he is as lazy and tight as they come, and seems to relish in the fact he can basically carry on with everything that caused them to split while not having to pay anything or having her nagging.
He has definitely landed on his feet with the situation

the most stupid thing about it is that they were actually engaged and had a date for the wedding but she then got pregnant with #2, and didn’t want to be a pregnant or ‘fat’ bride so cancelled the wedding with the plan of doing it once she lost the baby weight
But their relationship unravelled pretty quickly after dc2 arrived

if she hasn’t been so vain about what she looked like in her wedding photos, she could have walked away with £200k+ in a divorce. Instead she got nothing

RunningSME · 20/08/2022 14:46

tenbob · 20/08/2022 14:33

@LittleBearPad
Because he doesn’t want them to move nurseries. It doesn’t advantage him in any way to pay a bigger nursery bill when he can palm them off on his mum during the holidays

He will also probably claim it’s because it’s attached to the school where the older one now goes to school, and because they live in neighbouring villages and it’s close to both of them making 50:50 easier

but my BF can’t just swap them to another nursery and more than he can

its just a really shitty situation, and one that I wish that the LTB crew were more aware is there reality for a lot of women

@tenbob she needs to make him have them for more time during term time then otherwise it isn’t 50-50 and he does need to pay child-support. I would call the child-support agency day one of the summer holidays when he’s not having them 50% of the time and she at least has a claim for that six week period he might rethink his plans then. But actually if I was her I’d let him have them 100% of the time and that’s what I threatened my ex with if he wanted them 50-50 and he wasn’t gonna pay any child-support then he was gonna take them full time and I was gonna be the bloody Disney dad. He changed his mind very rapidly at that point.

passport123 · 20/08/2022 14:46

Sigh. Please tell me that you have a job. You have no rights to stay in his house. He has parental responsibility if he is on the birth certificate. This is why women should get married before they have kids. Good luck.

PeekAtYou · 20/08/2022 14:50

You can only claim Child Maintenance from
him.

With regards to the kids, both parents have equal rights. He can go for up to 50% of the care.

cestlavielife · 20/08/2022 14:52

passport123 · 20/08/2022 14:46

Sigh. Please tell me that you have a job. You have no rights to stay in his house. He has parental responsibility if he is on the birth certificate. This is why women should get married before they have kids. Good luck.

Or keep their job and income if unmarried
The issue is depending financially on someone uou not married to
If you have your income
Your property or share of
them it is not such an issue

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 20/08/2022 14:54

As so many PPs have commented, OP:

you need legal advice
it matters which country you're in (eg, England or Scotland).

JustLyra · 20/08/2022 14:54

mosel · 20/08/2022 12:53

He also has no legal right to the kids is that correct?

Neither of you have “rights” to the children.

Those named on the birth certificate have Parental Responsibility - equally so.

the children have rights to relationships with both of their parents.

tenbob · 20/08/2022 14:57

@RunningSME

The situation is ridiculous

He claims he will have them for his days during the holidays but then swans up at 10 or 11am to collect them, and sees nothing wrong with it, because that he said he would collect them in the morning and it is ‘still morning’

so BF has to either pay for holiday clubs starting at 9, so she can work (and he then refuses to contribute, because he was going to have them anyway) or she has to hope and pray he turns up early enough that she doesn’t get a bollocking for work

He knows what he is doing… she got sacked from a job during lockdown because she couldn’t physically do her job while trying to stop the DCs from killing themselves while unsupervised and he was gloating about it, but still wouldn’t help out any more

Sorry, this has derailed the thread but it’s beyond shit and she is over a barrel

RunningSME · 20/08/2022 15:05

tenbob · 20/08/2022 14:57

@RunningSME

The situation is ridiculous

He claims he will have them for his days during the holidays but then swans up at 10 or 11am to collect them, and sees nothing wrong with it, because that he said he would collect them in the morning and it is ‘still morning’

so BF has to either pay for holiday clubs starting at 9, so she can work (and he then refuses to contribute, because he was going to have them anyway) or she has to hope and pray he turns up early enough that she doesn’t get a bollocking for work

He knows what he is doing… she got sacked from a job during lockdown because she couldn’t physically do her job while trying to stop the DCs from killing themselves while unsupervised and he was gloating about it, but still wouldn’t help out any more

Sorry, this has derailed the thread but it’s beyond shit and she is over a barrel

She needs to take control and ownership of the situation and drop them at his house at 7:30 in the morning so that she makes it to work on time. Or give them to their dad full time which would be what I wish I had done from the start. The kids get the measure of the dad pretty bloody quickly under those circumstances and mum gets to build a life that is actually useful to the children going forward.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 20/08/2022 15:10

If I were in this situation I would leave the children in the house with their father and leave myself (assuming no abuse). I would focus all my energy on training, getting back into a good career. Getting myself set up so I could at least see them every other weekend and provide a nice home eventually.

If you have no income you won't pay any child support until you do. So all their costs, nursery, all the exhausting day to day care and running around and huge impact it has on your career will fall to him to enjoy for a while.

What other choice is there, if you have no job and no money. Plenty of kids see their father every other weekend and for holidays and have a great relationships with him. In fact, he's Disney dad, all the fun and none of the work (and very little of the cost). Once they are about 13 they can choose who they want to live with anyway. Sorry you are in this position but providing free labour to someone with no legal protections was not a sensible decision.

Topseyt123 · 20/08/2022 15:16

Sorry OP. I'm afraid you are in an extremely vulnerable position without a leg to stand on really. You are also woefully ill-informed.

You aren't married so have no legal rights to any share of his house. If he is named on the birth certificates along with you then he has equal parental rights/responsibility.

If you've been told otherwise then sorry, but you've been had. You need legal advice immediately.

MayThe4th · 20/08/2022 15:17

He does have responsibilities to house his children. This is set out in the children’s act. The OP can apply to the courts for a right to stay in the house if she can’t afford alternative suitable housing. but he doesn’t have responsibility to house the children’s mother. So he is able to house his children, in his house, with him.

butterflied · 20/08/2022 15:22

Why wouldn't he have rights when it comes to the children? That's a strange assumption.

Get legal advice.

BoredWithLife · 20/08/2022 15:22

HeartofTeFiti · 20/08/2022 13:45

@prepared101 because they fall in love, and make poor choices because they have no idea how those choices will bite them when things sour in the years ahead. When children come along that's often when things get difficult in a relationship (several years together with young kids is hard work and a financial strain; things are maybe getting a bit boring; the man misses his single life and doesnt pull his weight and becomes a misery to live with; the woman is desperate because financially she is at her most vulnerable with young kids).

OP you don't have a leg go stand on legally. If you are not being abused: patch things up with DH, persuade him to marry you fast, stick around for 5 years so it's not a short marriage, then split when the kids are older and you can afford to go back to work full time. Spend the 5 years making sure you are on top of the household finances; make him pay his share plus some and get yourself some savings. When you split make sure you get a good share in the divorce.

If you can't manage this then be careful when you split: tell him you'll gave the kids 100% so you get the max CMS and he can have occasional visitation eg every other weekend and one weeknight. Make him pay for everything you possibly can.

Just wow.. and MN wonder why men seem to be distrustful of marriage... splitting isn't about running off with someone's stuff, in this instance it should be about ensuring the kids get a decent life out of it - for all we know the DH might be amazing and the kids would be better with him (ok ok, doubtful, but we don't know any different until we get the drip feed)

oviraptor21 · 20/08/2022 15:23

www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/housing/your-housing-rights-when-you-separate/

RayneDance · 20/08/2022 15:26

Wow what is female dating strategy's?.

Re posters being immoral I would suggest any man willing to procreate with a woman is immoral for not making her financially secure.

GuerlainHo · 20/08/2022 15:31

passport123 · 20/08/2022 14:46

Sigh. Please tell me that you have a job. You have no rights to stay in his house. He has parental responsibility if he is on the birth certificate. This is why women should get married before they have kids. Good luck.

To be fair, it’s not a marriage issue as you could equally be married and still end up in the sh*t if you divorce

The point to be made should be that women shouldn’t give up their whole lives, career, financial freedom and independence to play housewife with a man who hasn’t even married her.

Even if your married I believe you should have some financial independence - should the marriage fail; you should be prepared to manage on your own.

notanothertakeaway · 20/08/2022 15:31

If you are in Scotland, this might be helpful

www.thorntons-law.co.uk/for-you/thorntons-family-law-divorce-solicitors/cohabitation-rights-in-scotland#:~:text=The%20starting%20point%20is%20that,claim%20against%20their%20ex%20partner.