How to Refuse Friends Coming to Stay Without Causing Offence

[TheFlyingFox]

Since this is the topic of the month, probably because its holiday season, I wondered what other peoples' thoughts were on this.

I've recently had a visit from a friend, her OH and their adopted teenage son for 8 days. They were really nice guests, respectful, courteous and polite and we had a nice time. They asked to come well in advance and we had plenty of time to prepare. I have no issue with them. Even so, its quite hard going having another family living in your home for that long, but again not a problem as I know them well (apart from the teenager who was a little moody at times, but again not all that bad).

We live outwith the UK in a country which is popular for holidays.

But its my childhood friend I really want to see. I would love for her to get a break and stay on her own but there seems no possibility of that, even though her OH is perfectly happy to look after their kids on his own.

Anyway, I accept I cannot change her mind on this. However, on leaving friend suggested quite heavily that they come for another holiday in 9 or 10 months time, this time bringing their 9 year old foster daughter with them (different country, different rules on fostering/adoption). Without putting too fine a point on it, this child is quite disturbed and suffers from behavioural difficulties. We have a small farm with lots of animals and pets, of whom I am very fond. I have no idea how unpredictable the child's behaviour can be. She can have tantrums involving screaming and damaging things and seems to demonstrate attention seeking, dramatic behaviour. My friend admits this and that she has behavioural problems. I don't want to sound melodramatic, but I'm really worried that there might be a slight risk that the child might do something to one of my animals, and I would never put them at risk. I just don't want to do it, and I don't know how to say it without damaging the friendship or sounding unwelcoming.

They are all city people and I have to watch them carefully around the animals/farm so that they don't put themselves at risk anyway - found friend in with the cows petting them while they were eating their hard feed for instance on the last visit! Nothing malicous in it on their part, but they don't quite realise that animals can be dangerous or alternatively, easily harmed, by someone doing something wrong that they think is harmless.

I just don't want to host the child at all. I'd love to see my friend on her own (which her very helpful, laidback OH would happily facilitate) or her and her OH together, but not their kids. I'm a bit mmnn about how my willingness to initially host friend and then her OH too (first visit was friend on her own, second was friend with her other friend whom I didn't know, third visit was friend and her OH and last visit was friend and most of her family).

I'd really love to spend time with friend alone, even for just a couple of days, just her and me, but she's turned into bloomin' Mother Theresa and its just not possible any more.

I am well aware that there are risks on a farm but it wouldn’t be that difficult to put control measures in place (by the carer) and the child is with their foster carer who would be supervising them.
No matter how this is dressed up the OP is essentially saying this child could hurt her animals with no evidence whatsoever that this child has hurt an animal before.

I have explained it to you twice already that it is relevant that she is a foster child because she has only been with the OP for just over a year, and that is relevant because my friend is only just finding her way with her.

There is no other way of explaining how someone can have a 9 year old that they don't know that well!

I have also explained to you twice before that I would have exactly the same response if this girl was not her foster child but her own child. I don't like her behaviour. As for all that melo-dramatic stuff about rejecting a child that has already suffered rejection - how on earth would the child be aware that someone she barely knows has "rejected her"? There is no visit arranged, my friend simply said on leaving that the next time she visited, her (foster daughter) "would need to come too". I have not made any invitation.

I'm going to stop replying to you now and ignore you because I've explained all of these things into something they are not, and you are repeatedly trying to derail this thread into a thread about your specific own interest.

And stop making excuses about using abusive language towards me!

Please go on an explain why being in foster care is relevant? Why would that mean she might harm your animals?

Has she told you “she needs time from all these family responsibilities”?
She might enjoy them.

Do you live on your own? Surely, if you don’t, you’re not going to spend time with only you, so I can see why she doesn’t want to come on her own.
If it’s a working farm, visiting with family must help keep her company when you’re busy.

38 people have said that you are being unreasonable so it isn’t just me.

I live in the countryside, I get it OP. People don't understand the impact they can have on animals if they've not been around them. I agree on ignoring goady posts, you've explained very clearly.

Surely it just means she is an unknown 9year old, rather than a child she has spent 9 years knowing and knows how she would react to stuff.

Not sure why they didn't bring her this time if family myst be together.

But yes it sounds like they want to "visit the farm" ie interact with it, which is not safe. So a stressful holiday for the farm owner.

Bloody hell, this thread is batshit crazy.

Your home, you decide who comes into it despite the army of posters that seem to think you're the Antichrist for being reluctant.

At this point however, I'd just be honest and explain that you'd rather they didn't visit as a family as you're concerned about being able to get everything done while having to supervise visitors, especially young ones.

A whole 38!! Wow 😮 honestly the OP had been nothing but polite to you, answering every accusation with detailed explanations and still you persist, finding tiny sentences and inferring meaning so obviously not intended. You are coming across as awful, no one, absolutely no one is obliged to have anyone in their homes or around their livestock, tbh finding your friend in with the cows being fed would have been the end of the visit for me

This is like hosting somebody at your workplace in a lot of ways. I think you should just point out to your friend that that's inherently stressful for you because you have to work. Would she visit you if you were shooting a documentary on location or teaching at a boarding school? No, because it would be deeply inappropriate and your employers would forbid it on health and safety grounds alone, let alone that you weren't attending to your work.

If your friend is happy to meet up with you for a break that's lovely, but imposing on you when you are working is a bit much.

Yes. She has. She also lives abroad, and the foster child spends most of the time with my friend and some of the time with one of her parents. There are different rules there, because its not the UK.

No, as I have mentioned several times, I have a husband. My husband lives with me. On the farm. Not in the UK. I am not Scottish. I am British.

I don't know about you, but personally I have several other friends and we all spend time together, either individually or collectively, without our children and have always done so over the years. Its definitely possible and not unusual

This is what I was going to say. Op’s friend has already shown herself to be incapable of safeguarding herself around op’s animals and is therefore not in a position to safeguard a vulnerable 9 yo. Op states she is a mother herself and in her experience does not feel capable of protecting this vulnerable girl herself, not that this is it her role. She is busy with her animals and this is a working farm, not one open to the public.

The problem is that my friend also isn't experienced around large animals and farm machinery. She thinks they are cuddly/cute pets and that I am being unnecessarily strict when I warn her of the dangers. I had to explain more than once that you cannot stand in the stall with them while they are feeding. In fact that is true to some extent that they are pets, because we are a small farm and we don't have high numbers. So therefore a lot of my farm animals are more responsive to petting than the average. That makes it more dangerous to people who don't know the risks because they would probably react differently to strangers. That said, I don't take risks with them myself either and follow correct practice.

We also have a large pond and a cess pit.

It really would be me (and DH, who has another job and away sometimes) who would be responsible for the safety of that child and of my friend, and I've become more aware of that as this thread has gone on. As I've said, I am risk averse and I think its not one I could take.

Are you being deliberately obtuse?
The op is explaining why she doesn't know this child only that she has behavioural issues. Which would definitely be unsafe on a working farm.

I totally understand you OP. Also I find having people around , however good friends you are , for anything more than 2 or 3 days can get a bit much when you have stuff to get on with . Also you are friends with 'her ' , so I think it's quite cheeky of her to automatically assume it's ok for her - plus extended family- I would feel a bit like I was being used as a free AirBNB.

I am just wondering why being in care is relevant and suggests she might harm the animals- the opening post is about the child being a risk to the animals. It then moved on to being a dangerous farm and the child being at risk. Strange that.

OP, I get it, having been around large animals for the majority of my life (not quite a farm but similar)

Children not brought up around animals can be a danger to themselves, and then you have farm machinery etc.

I would be totally honest with your friend that whilst you have really enjoyed their company you cannot host them as a family again, due to it being a working farm, offer a local hotel/B&B but make sure you mention arranging plans away from the farm whilst they are there.

I think you've latched onto the 'foster' bit – which is perfectly understandable given your profession – when actually it's the 'behavioural difficulties' which is the relevant bit as far as OP is concerned. She is worried that a girl she doesn't really know, but who she knows has behavioural issues, isn't going to be safe on her farm, particularly in light of her friend's attitude to the animals. That's a judgment call, and one which OP is in the best position, and perfectly entitled, to make.

Say your insurance doesn't cover kids under the age of 16.

Honestly op, I have an almost 9 year old and letting him loose (or, at least, having to supervise him 24/7) on a farm like you describe would be tough.

They're still at that age where they find rules hard to follow

thing47- yes- I just felt the child was being unfairly stigmatised and seen as risk on the basis that they were in care. Yes- absolutely care experienced children can be challenging but it is highly unlikely they would knowingly harm an animal.

I don’t think you understand what formal foster care is or the connotations around it. If a child is ‘fostered’ they in the care system.

‘Without putting too fine a point on it, this child is quite disturbed and suffers from behavioural difficulties. We have a small farm with lots of animals and pets, of whom I am very fond. I have no idea how unpredictable the child's behaviour can be. She can have tantrums involving screaming and damaging things and seems to demonstrate attention seeking, dramatic behaviour.’

To actually explain what you have said above:

• the child is not ‘disturbed’- they have experienced either trauma or are non neuro typical


• Her tantrums are trauma responses or due do additional needs


• She isn’t ‘attention seeking’- or being ‘dramatic’. She is attachment seeking and quite possibly anxious.

You know what- I know I am being a pain and saying things you and others don’t like but at the end of the day- this is a 9 year old child. Educate yourself.

I am challenging the statements you have made because so many children are stigmatised and spoken badly off through ignorance.

It makes absolutely no difference to me whether you have this child to stay or not, but if you were my friend- our friendship would be over.

Whilst I get your point re the farm issue, I think you're being harsh on your friend saying she's 'lost her independent self' because she chooses to spend her free time with her family rather than her friends.

Most women only get evenings and weekends with their husband and kids - if they choose to spend that little time with their loved ones rather than friends then that's up to them! I'd rather be with my family, I know that much.

I love my old friends and make sure I see all of them a few times a year but that's it. Obviously I see my newer friends more as they are around where I live, as is the case for most people. I most certainly would not leave my DS with DP and bugger off abroad to see a mate for a few days. I wouldn't want to at all.

Your friend is just trying to be a good Mum, Op. Part of that is putting your family first.