How to Refuse Friends Coming to Stay Without Causing Offence

[TheFlyingFox]

Since this is the topic of the month, probably because its holiday season, I wondered what other peoples' thoughts were on this.

I've recently had a visit from a friend, her OH and their adopted teenage son for 8 days. They were really nice guests, respectful, courteous and polite and we had a nice time. They asked to come well in advance and we had plenty of time to prepare. I have no issue with them. Even so, its quite hard going having another family living in your home for that long, but again not a problem as I know them well (apart from the teenager who was a little moody at times, but again not all that bad).

We live outwith the UK in a country which is popular for holidays.

But its my childhood friend I really want to see. I would love for her to get a break and stay on her own but there seems no possibility of that, even though her OH is perfectly happy to look after their kids on his own.

Anyway, I accept I cannot change her mind on this. However, on leaving friend suggested quite heavily that they come for another holiday in 9 or 10 months time, this time bringing their 9 year old foster daughter with them (different country, different rules on fostering/adoption). Without putting too fine a point on it, this child is quite disturbed and suffers from behavioural difficulties. We have a small farm with lots of animals and pets, of whom I am very fond. I have no idea how unpredictable the child's behaviour can be. She can have tantrums involving screaming and damaging things and seems to demonstrate attention seeking, dramatic behaviour. My friend admits this and that she has behavioural problems. I don't want to sound melodramatic, but I'm really worried that there might be a slight risk that the child might do something to one of my animals, and I would never put them at risk. I just don't want to do it, and I don't know how to say it without damaging the friendship or sounding unwelcoming.

They are all city people and I have to watch them carefully around the animals/farm so that they don't put themselves at risk anyway - found friend in with the cows petting them while they were eating their hard feed for instance on the last visit! Nothing malicous in it on their part, but they don't quite realise that animals can be dangerous or alternatively, easily harmed, by someone doing something wrong that they think is harmless.

I just don't want to host the child at all. I'd love to see my friend on her own (which her very helpful, laidback OH would happily facilitate) or her and her OH together, but not their kids. I'm a bit mmnn about how my willingness to initially host friend and then her OH too (first visit was friend on her own, second was friend with her other friend whom I didn't know, third visit was friend and her OH and last visit was friend and most of her family).

I'd really love to spend time with friend alone, even for just a couple of days, just her and me, but she's turned into bloomin' Mother Theresa and its just not possible any more.

Your comments on how she 'doesnt seperate her life' from her children, and you never thought your friends would go down that route is quite telling!

I'm guessing that you don't have children? Life does change when you have kids. That's not to
say they have to come everywhere, but there natural progression of coming with her partner, is coming with her kids once they arrive (by whatever route).

To me, it mostly sounds like you (a) don't like long visits, and (b) don't particularly like children, so rather than making excuses, maybe just be honest about that.

Well, the OP mentioned cows. If it's a dairy farm, the cows won't be staying in the field, will they - they'll be coming in and out for milking a couple of times a day, and brought into pens for vet visits/medication etc., which might mean moving through the yard. Basically, big animals on the move, and big vehicles coming through regularly alongside those - tractors moving bales of hay/straw, milk lorries, feed deliveries etc.

OP doesn't know what kind of behavioural difficulties this child has, but climbing on unsteady materials such as straw bales or bolting through potentially hazardous areas of the farm (eg running across the yard not looking out for moving vehicles) or causing a disturbance that could cause animals to react in unpredictable ways are all risks I wouldn't want to take with an unknown child with unidentified issues.

Having grown up around small farms (to be fair, 30 years ago and not in Britain) my own experience is that the farm is not always as separate from the household or as systematic as larger farms - animals might have routes to barns/milking parlours that intersect, or are easily accessible from, areas that people other than the farmer might be. It's safer if those people know to stay well clear of unfamiliar animals, but even OP's adult friend doesn't have that mindset.

Stick to your guns, OP!

Farm or not, children or not- to bring the whole family along and stay 8 days is ridiculous and rude IMO. Your home/farm- YOUR rules.

Sounds more like they just want a free hotel to me.

I would ignore the Goady F on this thread who is trying to provoke you. Your reasons are completely valid and it seems like your friend enjoys the place more than your company. In any case 8 days is a bloody long time to host anyone.

This.

You sound very kind OP to have had your friend and her family for eight days in addition to the many times you’ve hosted them before. You do not have to do anything that will cause you stress and should feel no guilt whatsoever in finding a reason to make sure you do not have to host your friend in the circumstances you’ve described next year. It’s your life and you have the right to find a reason to ensure this visit does not happen. I would be honest in saying that you feel concerned about the foster daughter’s behaviour from what has been described to you and that you don’t think it’s the right environment for her. Admit that you feel a bit overwhelmed at the idea. If she’s a good friend she will understand, if she persists in wanting to come I would reiterate that you would be too worried about it and therefore you’re sorry but you will have to decline. You will feel better once it’s been said rather than letting them come and then fretting for weeks prior to the visit.

This.

Gosh, she's come to visit a lot, have you ever visited her? It sounds like the kind of thing that will continue for years if you don't speak up..
I think I'd be saying something along the lines of 'it's actually too much to do the hosting all the time, I'd prefer if we left it for now, maybe we could meet up for a weekend in X place, just the two of us?'

She can pay to take her child to a designated petting zoo, horse riding stables, or other suitable, risk assessed, fully insured farm experience.

If she gets the hump over you telling her that the child cannot use your working farm as an experience then she is not your friend.

I wouldn't give it any more thought, just tell her it's not safe and you cannot allow it. The welfare of your animals, her child and your own legal liability are more important.

Hi OP,
Lots of posters have suggested you try to arrange a weekend away with your friend and I haven't spotted you respond to this?

I'm guessing that while your friend doesn't want to be without her children you don't want to be without your farm?

I think if you want your friend to travel alone to spend time with you then you should be willing to do the same.

Maybe your lifestyles have just grown apart.

I wasn’t being deliberately goading- I just expressed an opinion others did not like. Essentially the OP is asking if it is ok to tell one of her oldest friends that their foster child, who is in the care system, isn’t welcome and then say it is because she thinks the child is a risk to her animals.
Obviously some people think this is totally fine. I don’t. It is rejection of a child who has probably experienced multiple rejections and experienced trauma and it isn’t something I could personally do.

I did respond early on in the thread thats what I would do. Lets see what happens with that...I can go away and often do as DH stays behind and we also have a couple of people who work ad hoc.

She does quite often travel to stay with a couple of other friends alone and I think I'm the only one she has made family visits to, which is complementary, but also I don't want to be classified as "the one who can host an entire family visit" every time I see her. I also think she needs time on her own on holiday.

I agree its all to do with differing responsibilities.

Well, I guess the mystery of how those people who think its fine to plant themselves and their entire family in someone else's home for a holiday come from! I particularly like the attempt at guilt tripping about someone else's child whom I barely know...

You deliberately called me a number of abusive terms. You're an adult, and you know this is wrong. It really isn't great behaviour, you do realise that? Insulting people won't get you your own way. It just isn't going to happen.

What ‘abusive names’ did I call you? I described behaviours. That’s very different from calling you a name.

They weren’t ‘abusive terms’ they were descriptors of how I felt you were behaving towards a vulnerable child- stigmatising them on the basis that they are in the care system and therefore a risk to your animals. I DO think that is vile. You may not- but don’t ask for opinions if you aren’t prepared to hear something you don’t agree with.

You have been consistently unpleasant to the OP, Janedoe82, not to mention smug and sanctimonious. If you really aren't doing it on purpose then you should reconsider your communication style.

Tbh as a family they probably holiday as a family in the main. Holiday allowances are limited etc, I don’t think she’s being cheeky in that regard.

Well I am sorry- I probably am being very direct but as someone who works with damaged children on a daily basis I am very upset by the attitude shown.

I've had my children (before we bought the farm), they have now (mostly!) departed the nest, like most in our age group. Friend was always resolutely childless but has now embarked upon adoption and fostering. I thought it was great with her first one but I'm not quite sure she realises how much she has taken on at this stage in her life with the girl. Anyway, she has her own reasons.

I think I've done pretty well in hosting a family for 8 days and previously hosting a week long visit with friend and a person I didn't previously know! I think friend thinks I like it because I'm very sociable but I think I'm nearing my limit with hosting. Like all good things, its best in smaller doses. I found the family visit quite stressful, because as I said before, they are all city people and friend does things wrong, and then I end up being the one to correct her. To do it nicely, you have to explain why you do it this way and you also have to keep watching all the time, and after a couple of days I did feel quite stressed by it all.

We also have breeding animals and they do have to be kept quiet at particular times, in fact at most times because they are always trying to abort/reabsorb if not due to give birth.

I honestly don't think a lot of people realise what a responsibility it is to have a lot of beings life and welfare dependent upon the decisions you make. I didn't quite realise what a risk it was until the most recent visit, and if I'm risk averse then so be it. My animals only have me (and DH) looking out for them. Reading the UK Government website I linked with all of those examples of accidents on farms involving children and what you are meant to do to prepare for children visiting your farm has made me even more aware of the risks.

I also think theres some people out there who thinks farms are some kind of place the public have visitation rights for, and those of us who own them should be happy to put ourselves out for others to enjoy them. That is really not the case. I was a bit at the poster who suggested that because I'd had one child to visit, this meant I had to agree to lots of other children coming to stay from whoever asked! (I know thats not what was meant but I don't want to be seen as setting some sort of precedent).

Please at least try to respect people's right to privacy in whom they invite to their own homes! What you are suggesting is really over-stepping the boundaries of what is socially acceptable!

I also used to work with damaged kids.

On a city farm.

The child would be pretty damaged if a horse rears and injures her because she sloped out to pet it whilst the OP was doing the washing up.

It's why we had trained supervisors at our farm, and nobody was allowed into the enclosures without someone there.

Stop being antagonistic for no reason. You know this isn't safe, you just want to get a dig into the OP. For whatever weird reason. The OP is perfectly entitled to not want kids on her farm.

OP, I totally hear you on the farm safety etc but think you're better leaving the kids and farm out of it and just saying that it's too much to keep hosting people, don't make it personal to them, keep it all very general and it comes across as more polite and less potentially insulting xx

I'm surprised that you don't see the safeguarding risks of a working farm tbh.

As a professional you will know that there are many safe animal interaction experiences specifically designed for children and adults with SEN or other conditions, which are sensible and accessible options.

A working farm is no place for a child who demonstrates they may be a danger to themself and others. It's not a reflection on the child, it's risk assessment 101.

This.