How to Refuse Friends Coming to Stay Without Causing Offence

[TheFlyingFox]

Since this is the topic of the month, probably because its holiday season, I wondered what other peoples' thoughts were on this.

I've recently had a visit from a friend, her OH and their adopted teenage son for 8 days. They were really nice guests, respectful, courteous and polite and we had a nice time. They asked to come well in advance and we had plenty of time to prepare. I have no issue with them. Even so, its quite hard going having another family living in your home for that long, but again not a problem as I know them well (apart from the teenager who was a little moody at times, but again not all that bad).

We live outwith the UK in a country which is popular for holidays.

But its my childhood friend I really want to see. I would love for her to get a break and stay on her own but there seems no possibility of that, even though her OH is perfectly happy to look after their kids on his own.

Anyway, I accept I cannot change her mind on this. However, on leaving friend suggested quite heavily that they come for another holiday in 9 or 10 months time, this time bringing their 9 year old foster daughter with them (different country, different rules on fostering/adoption). Without putting too fine a point on it, this child is quite disturbed and suffers from behavioural difficulties. We have a small farm with lots of animals and pets, of whom I am very fond. I have no idea how unpredictable the child's behaviour can be. She can have tantrums involving screaming and damaging things and seems to demonstrate attention seeking, dramatic behaviour. My friend admits this and that she has behavioural problems. I don't want to sound melodramatic, but I'm really worried that there might be a slight risk that the child might do something to one of my animals, and I would never put them at risk. I just don't want to do it, and I don't know how to say it without damaging the friendship or sounding unwelcoming.

They are all city people and I have to watch them carefully around the animals/farm so that they don't put themselves at risk anyway - found friend in with the cows petting them while they were eating their hard feed for instance on the last visit! Nothing malicous in it on their part, but they don't quite realise that animals can be dangerous or alternatively, easily harmed, by someone doing something wrong that they think is harmless.

I just don't want to host the child at all. I'd love to see my friend on her own (which her very helpful, laidback OH would happily facilitate) or her and her OH together, but not their kids. I'm a bit mmnn about how my willingness to initially host friend and then her OH too (first visit was friend on her own, second was friend with her other friend whom I didn't know, third visit was friend and her OH and last visit was friend and most of her family).

I'd really love to spend time with friend alone, even for just a couple of days, just her and me, but she's turned into bloomin' Mother Theresa and its just not possible any more.

Again, Jane Doe, please read this because it is really concerning that you are claiming to work in social services and you are unaware of UK Government advice concerning children on farms. Please read it and stop asking me repetitive questions that have already been answered. Also please stop insulting me and calling me vile names. I have already done plenty for my friend with regards to providing holiday accommodation and its perfectly reasonable to draw the line where I am no longer comfortable with it.

www.hse.gov.uk/pubns/indg472.pdf

I don’t think the OP’s friend is ‘reaching out for support’-how have you extrapolated that?! She seems to think she can come to the farm and stay for 8 days, which is frankly way too long.

Having been on a farm for years, I would absolutely agree that young kids who aren’t used to big animals (even those who are!) are a bloody pita. I’ve had to tell kids not to play sword fight near the animals who were frankly terrified of the sticks being waved near their heads.

I got absolutely fed up of ‘tourists’ meandering onto the farm and asking to stroke the animals, even one (I think she was the au pair) asking if her charge could ride one of the extremely expensive privately owned horses-it wasn’t a riding school. When told no, she tried to insist because the child was ‘bored’.

You're clearly not reading my replies because I answered you above and pointed out that it is because this child has behavioural difficulties. Without going into too much detail, even my friend doesn't even know the full extent of them because she is still being assessed. My concerns would be exactly the same whether she was a foster child or not. However, the foster child description is relevant because this is a new arrangement which has only been in place for little over a year.

And please stop insulting me as its really rude.

It's a shame that your friend seemingly only comes as a full unit now with her DH and DCs.

I've had this with my cousin. Prior to her meeting her DH we spent loads of time together just the two of us, but now she will only meet with him and has no interest in just the two of us doing something together. Her DH is certainly not controlling ( we're all late middle age) and goes on frequent business trips so it would be perfectly possible to meet up then, but it's been made very clear to me that she doesn't want to, and it hurts a bit.

So I think there's a bit of that going on as well. You can't force her to come alone so I do think going down the line of stating the farm is unsuitable for DCs is the way to go if she mentions it again.

I would echo the try and spend time with just them approach, if the push for while family always deflect to say that’s great hotel x is good. unless this friend is a real CF and may just turn up on your doorstep

I think you need to focus on the safety aspect.

'While I would love to see you, I feel like our farm isn't a safe place for foster daughter. I've heard about too many serious accidents involving children at farms, and we would be devastated if anything was to happen. Once she's older and more settled, we would love to have you all. In the meantime, how do you feel about the two of us having a weekend together?'

Yes, this is it. Friend had no interest in children for years and now has done an about turn and doesn't separate her life from them. I don't think she is aware of this and just assumes everyone shares the same interest in them as she does. The OH is fine and her adopted son is now at an age where he wants to stay with his friends rather than his parents, but her foster child only became part of the family quite recently so its a bit of a surprise as I had assumed that, like most people of our age, she would be enjoying some child free time now. Its great what she's doing, although even she is not too sure whether its for her long term. I think she is feeling her way on this one.

I think its a shame when women sort of lose their independent selves but realise its a part of life and the different ways that people develop. I just never thought that this friend would be the one who went down that route.

All children in foster care come with challenges.
The whole point of foster care is that it should be a home from home environment where the child is seen as part of the family- not an add on to be left out when it doesn’t suit.
Anyway- I think you are being mean and exclusionary. I understand that there are risks on farms but these can be mitigated for- as a foster carer your friend would be responsible for the child’s supervision.
You asked for advice- some people will of course tell you what you want to hear but others won’t and that’s is ok. You do what you think is best.

Except you've previously had this person's children to stay, so it just looks like you're singling this child out.

I would not lean on the "farms are too dangerous!!!" angle, personally, because of that.

Oh, and I would also be concerned that there thread could be outing, based on the details you have shared, plus you have used a regional word which gives a huge clue as to where in the UK you are from.

I've had one 16 year old to stay, who wasn't interested in the farm or the animals in the slightest for 8 days. It wasn't great tbh, I think he would rather have been with his friends. Its perfectly acceptable to say no more children. Previous posters have suggested ideas on how to frame it, but I think friend is simply not aware of the risks and is being a bit clumsy here in assuming that someone will be happy to accommodate a child that she herself struggles with at times.

I cannot accommodate repeated visits from peoples' children. This isn't a theme park. I've read through the UK Government advice on what is required to be done and suspect its even stricter in this country involving certificates and/or qualifications and recording of visits in a log and in no way do I want to get involved in all of that in order for some people to come and have a holiday here.

Please can you pm me the regional word, as I'm not in the UK and am really curious now to hear which region it is!

I think it is legitimate to say that the animals could be of risk to the child. No horses are absolutely bomb proof! Even the sanest most sensible horse can be sent in to a panic by something unexpected happening to them. A bird flying up suddenly in front of them, a child suddenly touching their ears, a loud unexpected noise made by farm machinery. They are flight animals. There are as many fatal head injuries caused to people on the ground working alongside horses, as there are to riders. Horses can kick and barge and run you over as can any large farm animal and it can all happen in the blink of an eye.

I don't think it's the OP who's ill informed. A couple of horses looking over the fence bears no resemblance to a working farm.

I grew up on a farm!!
why would the child be in a field or pen with the livestock! They are only a risk if they are roaming freely!!
Some common sense is required.

If you grew up on a farm you really should be more aware of the dangers instead of constantly bleating 'think of the children'.

Obviously, they shouldn't be, and certainly not unsupervised.

But this is a 9 year old child with behavioural problems. I can't imagine there would be a way of guaranteeing she wouldn't sneak out to see the animals when she got the opportunity.

And yet you have managed to sound quite horrible yourself.

This!

Just say it doesn't work for you ATM as you have had quite a lot of visitors recently and you need to focus on your own projects. Then stay silent. Don't apologize or explain further. No one is obliged to offer free holiday accommodation even if it is for a close friend!

Some of these replies are nuts a bit like the 4 day roast chicken family meals.

OP has no obligations here other than look after her farm and her own needs.

I'd be very fed up to be used as a holiday destination. It doesn't work for OP to have young visitors. She doesn't need to explain or be apologetic. OP's friend has decided to do something amazing which is to foster a child and OP has decided to do something amazing, which is to run her won farm in another country. Neither friend owes the other anything, they're both adults with very specific choices and responsibilities. The friendship will only survive if both friends respect each other's boundaries. Foster carers friend is taking advantage IMO but probably without realising.

Just say the above OP.

You're completely within your rights to not have anyone come to stay. That said, I do think this line is very weak. If this girl were a traumatized child fostered by your sister, say, she wouldn't be any easier on a farm than a traumatized child fostered by your best friend. Your best friend isn't a "complete third party" -- she is, presumably, someone you love with whom you've had a longstanding history.

Don't have her if you don't want her, but I really don't see the difference here.

(Personally, I'd have my friend and her child come and stay but not for eight days; I'd say that I can host for, say, a long weekend.)

Calm your jets. The OP does not ‘sound horrible’. This family is using the OP for a holiday and have already demonstrated they do not know how to conduct themselves around livestock.

I wonder if the poster above is the one who always has ‘82’ in their many usernames and always has to lay into an OP, regardless of circumstances…

TOTALLY get where you're coming from OP. I suspect most people on this thread imagine you running a cosy little farm with fluffy ponies and a few ducks.

I absolutely agree with your assessment (of YOUR home!) of the farm being less than ideal for an inexperienced child.

Personally, I would say something along the lines of that you're worried that the farm environment not being the best for the girl, that she'd need constant supervision from you to avoid accidents/injury and that isn't something you can offer. Hopefully then she'd join the dots and take the hint.

Also don’t believe they grew up on a farm. I did and it was absolutely drilled into me from the off that you do not fuck about with livestock, machinery or slurry pits.

Also intrigued. And have been sad enough to read all your posts again. The only word that sticks out to me is “outwith”, which according to Google is Scottish.