How to Refuse Friends Coming to Stay Without Causing Offence

[TheFlyingFox]

Since this is the topic of the month, probably because its holiday season, I wondered what other peoples' thoughts were on this.

I've recently had a visit from a friend, her OH and their adopted teenage son for 8 days. They were really nice guests, respectful, courteous and polite and we had a nice time. They asked to come well in advance and we had plenty of time to prepare. I have no issue with them. Even so, its quite hard going having another family living in your home for that long, but again not a problem as I know them well (apart from the teenager who was a little moody at times, but again not all that bad).

We live outwith the UK in a country which is popular for holidays.

But its my childhood friend I really want to see. I would love for her to get a break and stay on her own but there seems no possibility of that, even though her OH is perfectly happy to look after their kids on his own.

Anyway, I accept I cannot change her mind on this. However, on leaving friend suggested quite heavily that they come for another holiday in 9 or 10 months time, this time bringing their 9 year old foster daughter with them (different country, different rules on fostering/adoption). Without putting too fine a point on it, this child is quite disturbed and suffers from behavioural difficulties. We have a small farm with lots of animals and pets, of whom I am very fond. I have no idea how unpredictable the child's behaviour can be. She can have tantrums involving screaming and damaging things and seems to demonstrate attention seeking, dramatic behaviour. My friend admits this and that she has behavioural problems. I don't want to sound melodramatic, but I'm really worried that there might be a slight risk that the child might do something to one of my animals, and I would never put them at risk. I just don't want to do it, and I don't know how to say it without damaging the friendship or sounding unwelcoming.

They are all city people and I have to watch them carefully around the animals/farm so that they don't put themselves at risk anyway - found friend in with the cows petting them while they were eating their hard feed for instance on the last visit! Nothing malicous in it on their part, but they don't quite realise that animals can be dangerous or alternatively, easily harmed, by someone doing something wrong that they think is harmless.

I just don't want to host the child at all. I'd love to see my friend on her own (which her very helpful, laidback OH would happily facilitate) or her and her OH together, but not their kids. I'm a bit mmnn about how my willingness to initially host friend and then her OH too (first visit was friend on her own, second was friend with her other friend whom I didn't know, third visit was friend and her OH and last visit was friend and most of her family).

I'd really love to spend time with friend alone, even for just a couple of days, just her and me, but she's turned into bloomin' Mother Theresa and its just not possible any more.

I'm not arguing that the OP should have visitors she plainly doesn't want, but it's transparently a bad excuse to say it's a working farm, when it's common for farmers to have children, have visitors to stay, even diversify into having camping for families on their land.

OP just needs to be honest and say she isn't up for a full family visit.

I grew up on a farm and currently am around horses a lot.
I also am an ex foster carer and work in the social services field and your ignorance is astounding.
Your friend is trying to do a good thing and trying to give a child who has experienced probably significant trauma an experience they wouldn’t other wise have. She isn’t being a ‘user’- she is just reaching out to one of her oldest friends for support. And you have just been totally crap.

Oh and for references- some of my now adult foster sons happiest memories are going to my parents farm and going on tractor rides. He also had extreme behavioural issues but never once did he attack livestock 🙄

This is absolutely nuts. I seem to have offended some little army with my use of the phrase "foster" and now they have all piled onto this thread.

You should be aware, if you work in the social services field as you claim, that visits to places with inherent dangers such as farms should be fully risk assessed. I do not operate holiday accommodation, therefore mine isn't.

If the child were not fostered but had the same difficulties, then my attitude would be the same. I struggled with their other child visiting too as I do find hosting a family quite hard going, but it was fine as a one off. However, I mentioned that she was fostered because this is a very recent thing, and the suggested visit was sprung upon me. The child has not been with them all that long.

I really think people like you who criticise people who have offered free hospitality quite disgusting.

In fact in my twenty plus years in the field I have never heard of a nine year old girl attacking or harming livestock. What exactly do you think she would do??? You are nuts.

I would say that the animals have been unsettled by other visits and as it’s a working farm you will no longer be able to accommodate a visit. Underscore the farm as your livelihood.

Your parents' farm. Your family. Family members visiting other family members. People you are related to - your parents. Not complete third parties, . Fgs imagine needing the difference pointed out to you.

she may well have been a good friend but stuff changes and it sunds like she has other priorities...friends for a reason, friends for a season and all that?

Well, to give but one example, my friend recently had to get the vet out due to an emergency while her horse suffered from choke due to the lollipop that a visiting kid gave to him, which he swooped up in one go and swallowed mostly whole. I've read two reports of children killed by tractors this summer alone. I won't go into details.

Again, someone who claims to have experience with all sorts of things from farms, to social care, to horses, actually needing the dangers explained to them? Not at all plausible in the slightest, despite your multiple postings on this thread.

This is meant to be one of your oldest friends!! I could understand if it was an acquaintance but not a very good friend. I personally treat my oldest friends like family. I honestly just can not imagine ever telling a close friend their foster child wasn’t welcome.
And for reference- if this foster child was as unstable as you seem to think to the point that she is going to harm animals- she is highly unlikely to be in a foster placement but instead in childrens home.

Your animals aren’t there for the amusement of your friends and their children. They’re massively entitled if they don’t understand that. Animal welfare must come before hurt feelings.

From the UK Government website: www.hse.gov.uk/pubns/indg472.pdf

"Agriculture has one of the highest fatal injury rates of any industry in Great Britain, but is the only high-risk industry that has to deal with the constant presence of children. Farms are homes as well as workplaces, and visitors, including children, may also be present on farms.

Children and young people up to the age of 18 are regularly killed and injured on
farms, either because they are working on the farm or because they are playing there.
The ways in which children are killed varies little from year to year. The most
common causes of death and major injury in the last decade were:

■ falling from vehicles;

■ being struck by moving vehicles or objects;

■ contact with machinery;

■ driving vehicles;

■ falls from height;

■ drowning and asphyxiation;

■ poisoning;

■ fire;

■ contact with animals.

The children who died were:

■ being carried as passengers on agricultural plant and machinery;

■ not under proper adult supervision;

■ working/helping around the farm;

■ playing unsupervised; or

■ trespassing."

And

"Vehicles and machinery - These present the greatest risk to children and are probably the areas of farm life most attractive to older children. The following are risks for which there are specific legal duties.

It is illegal to allow a child under 13 to ride on or drive agricultural selfpropelled machines (such as tractors) and other specified farm machinery while it is being used in the course of agricultural operations or is going to or from the site of such operations.

It is illegal to allow a child under 13 years old to be carried on a tractor, selfpropelled agricultural machine, or a machine or implement mounted on,
towed or propelled by a tractor or other vehicle, including a machine or
agricultural implement pulled by an animal, usually a horse"

She's living on a farm, she's not a SEN child carer.

I am genuinely baffled at what this ‘animal welfare’ issue is.
This is a supervised nine year old girl.
The livestock are going to be in fields or pens. Do you think she is going to randomly jump over a fence at attack a pile of sheep or cows?
And with regards to cats- they have claws and will quickly use them if threatened. Dogs also bite.
So what exactly are we taking about here?
This is bonkers.
There are several working farms open to the public close to where I live and they don’t seem to have this issue with thousands of visitors.
If you don’t want to have this vulnerable child stay fine- but you can’ refuse without causing hurt, rejection and offence.

It's all very well going on about how dangerous farms are etc etc, but OP has had children to visit before, this friend's children in fact, so suddenly turning round and saying oh no it's too dangerous is going to look like an excuse.

Just be honest, OP. Don't seek to justify it beyond "sorry mate, I just don't feel up to having everyone, but would love to have you on your own sometime".

I am sure the op's friend is trying to do her best for her foster daughter but op is under no obligation to host when she doesn't feel comfortable doing so. Nobody is! Note it is the friend inviting herself and others, for eight days at a time, she is not politely waiting for an invitation!

I think it's your place your rules. You don't have to accommodate various combinations of her family if you're uncomfortable with it. She may take offence, she may not agree with you about the risks but in your home and business you need to make the right decisions for you. Hopefully, your friendship will survive.

Dear Jane Doe

You sound terribly confused on this, which is concerning considering that you claim to work in the social services field. Might I suggest that you read the UK Government advice which clearly lists the steps farmers take when making their farms open to members of the public or even uninvited visitors, such as creating play areas, putting up warning signage, etc.

Given that this is a small private farm not open to the public, I don't want to carry out a risk assessment or go this considerable trouble and expense. We have no near neighbours with children so there is no point.

I also don't have sheep? And no, the animals aren't permanently stuck in fields or "pens"?

You do have some strange ideas. I think you really would benefit from reading the advice from the UK Government that I linked above. It gives many examples of accidents which answer the questions that you keep asking me.

You keep using the word bonkers because you don’t agree with the valid points being made in support of keeping the child away from the farm. But the OP has a responsibility to safeguard her animals as they are her responsibility. She doesn’t know this child so of course she is wary of a potential visit. She should be wary of all visits from children.

I'm guessing you live in a town? A cursory Google will give you plenty of examples of children pestering/injuring livestock and/or being injured in return.

Just say it doesn't work for you ATM as you have had quite a lot of visitors recently and you need to focus on your own projects. Then stay silent. Don't apologize or explain further. No one is obliged to offer free holiday accommodation even if it is for a close friend!

My point is that it is fine to not want to have visitors but to say it is because of the foster child being a risk to animals is just silly and mean and ill informed. And as an ex foster carer I know If one of my oldest and closest friends said that I would have been devastated.

No I don’t live in the town- I live in the countryside surrounded by animals including two horses on my own attached paddock (not mine and my children have never harmed them)

I would just say "do you fancy having a girls weekend just us two instead?" If she says no just reply "that's a shame, maybe next time!" And leave it at that avoiding giving her reasons. YANBU.