To refer myself to SS?

[LifeSucksBigTime]

I am honestly at breaking point with my 12 year old. I have raised another child who is now an adult, and is the sweetest, kindest girl you could meet. My youngest is the polar opposite, and honestly she makes my life a misery.

This could be a very long thread if I went into the whole, complicated story. But the bottom line is that I’m not coping anymore, mentally. She’s getting worse and worse with age (and she’s never been easy, from the word go).

I really need some help. I don’t know who to talk to, whether I should call SS, or the GP, or her school? I do love her but she doesn’t make it easy, she really is a spectacularly unpleasant individual.

at 19 months she was kidnapped for 5 days by her psycho father, and the police eventually got her back. I will never know what happened during those days, but she came back with open, bleeding sores all over her nappy area, which took 2 weeks to heal and she would scream in pain every time she sat down. He hasn’t seen her since then ... She was different when she came back, a lot more clingy and anxious and scared of people...I've had MH problems myself
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crikey OP, what a start to life :( Your poor DD. I wonder what else has happened to her in the last 12 years. I wonder if she'd feel safe to discuss that with you? Let me know if she'd been the victim of anything else?

I feel for you, you are clearly struggling and yes, refer yourself to SS. At worst they will do nothing. At best they will get you the support you need.

It sounds like your OP may feel negatively compared to her sister, the 'difficult one', unwanted and unloved, and not good enough for you. I know it's super hard, but helping her feel loved and wanted, as well as helping her see her strengths will work wonders.

We become what we are told we are as kids. If we are told we are difficult, disliked, psychopathic, unwanted, then that's what we internalise as adults and what we become. If you truly want to help your child, start acting opposite to how you are now. Tell her how much you love her, how wanted she is, what her strengths are (goodness, training 2 hours a day in any sport is tough and requires hard work and commitment, so she has some skills there - even just turning up is pretty good going if it's for 2 hours everyday. At least she's not on a screen).

Sending big hugs to you and your daughter

*let YOU know (typo)

Bigger fish to fry?

See, this is the problem with the public's view on SS. They just don't just focus on abused kids or parents who avoid authorities. There's a whole host of help available. And without self referring, you will never get the level of help you need OP. GP's etc wouldn't refer you.

@Endlesslypatient82 thats not really why I’m doing it, it’s not the worry of having her for two hours at home that’s making me carry on. She would probably just be on her trampoline, I’d be in my room watching Netflix or getting on with jobs, it wouldn’t be a huge deal.

I did have a very serious chat with her 3 days ago and told her very clearly how close I am to throwing in the towel with the horse, and that she needs to have an instant and radical change of attitude if she wants to keep it. She has actually been a bit better the last couple of days, in terms of the horse stuff at least, but just as vile at home.

Problem is, I don’t know how much of her behaviour is within her control. She often says ‘I can’t help that I’m always angry’, and I’m not sure that she can. I don’t know how much of it is down to SEN/trauma, and how much is just her being an asshole.

Does she have an EHCP?

Maybe going to a specialist school would reduce her stress levels and make her easier to be around in general? I'm very aware that specialist schools for academically able children are like hens' teeth, but maybe you are lucky and there is one near you?

They could probably help to get to the bottom of her trauma/ PTSD as well as support her autism.

@OhGoodnessItsSoExhausting I’m really aware of that and worry that me thinking that about her will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Which is why I do give her lots of praise when she’s not horrible, and always start interactions with her being cheery and positive. But more often than not it escalates quickly into her being vile and me getting cross with her.

She does feel that I favour her sister, because I ‘never shout at her’. That’s true, because I never have to, because she’s always nice. She can’t see that me getting cross is a direct consequence of how she is towards me, and then uses it as a justification to carry on being horrible to me, rather than have any concept that as her parent I do have the upper hand.

@2reefsin30knots no she doesn’t, I asked the head of SEN at her school whether I could apply for one, a few months back, and he said she was nowhere near the threshold and it would just be turned down.

Behaviour is communication. I know it feels like she is a complete asshole (I have lived this too) but she is being a jerk because she needs something and that is the only way she can communicate it. Definitely self refer to social services, I did, but I would try reading the explosive child book I think it is by Ross Greene. It is specifically about anger and emotions in children with disabilities and learning difficulties and really helped me to change my view on why my kid was being a twat, which then helped me to react in a way which helped rather than ramped the behaviour up.

As well as the trauma of her babyhood, she may have inherited antisocial traits from her father. Kids like this find it hard to learn from punishment- taking away phones or treats doesn't mean much. But they can learn about rewards. So think about what motivates her and use a reward chart to build good habits. She may not ever do things 'to make mum happy' but if you can frame everything in terms of a benefit for HER then she might work for it.

And read up on kids with callous unemotional traits to see if it fits.

@Geneticsbunny thank you, I will definitely buy that right now!

It is not an easy or quick read but it is worth putting the time in.

Hi OP, didn't want to read and run. Is there any local family hubs near you? Used to be called surestart centres. The staff and different professionals there usually run courses ie teen parenting courses, (I'm NOT saying your a bad parent at all, but this can get the ball rolling for more help for you) and can be on hand for support. There is also an organisation called Family action which is support for you and your mental health as a parent.
I'm really sorry to here you're going through this and hope things get better eventually x

Her ADHD is undiagnosed?

MyDD13 has ASD and ADHD.

High ADHD and probably on the low side ASD.

She definitely can't help her outbursts.

I do a lot of hugging when she's having a massive out of control moment (when she lets me) and she definitely can't help it but she is improving.

Medication for her ADHD has massively helped at school. She is able to sit calmly and concentrate.

I don't often give it to her at weekends or the holidays but when I do, god the behaviour is polar. And her teachers have said it's like night and day in comparison with year 7.

Definitely refer yourself if you need, I'd also say a rapid diagnosis with her ADHD and medication for that might help.

When we are home I threaten to turn the wireless off, that usually works. Removal of privilege and reward for consistency on good behaviour.

I do understand the horse thing, you want them to care about something more than themselves. But yes it's leverage.

I too had trauma when she was young, her father was a narcissist abuser. He was definitely ASD but put on a pedestal by his parents so they got a sociopath as a result.

Now is the time to make her realise that there are consequences. I have had to come down hard on mine recently but it's starting to work. If that means an intervention from SS and you get the help then do it.

I'm also a single mum. Love and strength to you OP, this is really hard.

Just to add, and I know this might not be possible, but DD13 is in a small school. Classes of 12. Peaceful place.

This has helped enormously along with the medication because the noise levels and masking she had to do during primary with classes of 30 were bloody exhausting for her.

I would definitely apply for an EHCP OP. You can do this yourself, you’d need to look into getting evidence though (educational psychologists report; a letter from yourself about the difficulties at home). You can apply for the money (if she was entitled to it) to be managed by you, so you could then look into whether you could use it to pay for trauma therapy as that may be useful given her history. I’ve known students have a range of different therapies paid for using the money so I don’t see why trauma therapy wouldn’t be applicable.

Has she had therapy? That sounds horrific and she will definitely be carrying whatever happened to her in some way.. The body holds trauma even if the mind doesn't remember on a conscious level... That honestly sounds horrific

You sound like you really don't like her and I wonder how much of that she's picking up on.

At twelve she should be caring for the horse herself or not getting to keep it. She should be mucking out, feeding, bringing in, turning out, grooming and tacking up. Don't let her horse be treated like a toy robot as there are so many spoiled children that do this and I don't think it helps them at all. It's just another servant.

You need to find different ways of expressing anger. As hard as it is, you never have to shout or lose it. It's not working and you're modeling behaviour you wouldn't like to see in her.

It sounds like she has more issues than have been diagnosed. Or perhaps she was misdiagnosed. That would be the first thing to address.

Ss don’t have “bigger fish to fry” as there is such thing as disability social workers and they aren’t for safe guarding reasons they are purely to support parents so shows how much some posters know, many parents who have children with additional needs have a disability social worker.

Problem is, I don’t know how much of her behaviour is within her control. She often says ‘I can’t help that I’m always angry’, and I’m not sure that she can. I don’t know how much of it is down to SEN/trauma, and how much is just her being an asshole.

To be honest - it has nearly always gone better for me when I have assumed that DS's poor behaviour is outside his control, and outside my control too. Or at least accept that I can't make DS behave properly. The best I could ever do was (a) to avoid situations that were likely to go bad, and (b) to help him take a few baby steps in the right direction of learning to cope.

And I had to learn to never, ever shout at DS, no matter how much I wanted to. Because my angry or worried or upset or even strict voice was a huge trigger for him. If I was angry or upset I had to walk away (at least DS would let me do that, not all kids with ASCs will, some will follow you instead) til I could control my voice again. Otherwise he would just get more vile or aggressive.

If I had something serious to say then I needed to use a flat calm voice, possibly turn my back as well. Your DD has told you she can't cope with your "angry" voice and if she has autism she may hear everything in your raised voice as if it is anger. This is a bugger to deal with because anger and worry etc are natural parent emotions and most kids can cope when a parent is angry or scared. But it sounds as if your DD really can't. [flower]

But I think making her go and help teaches her some sense of responsibility. That’s the theory anyway, not sure it’s actually working in practice.

I'm absolutely sure it is helping. But you're right, it probably wont show at home. It's baby steps. And it's pretty normal for kids and teens with issues to behave worse at home.

Any positive activity, that takes her out of herself and out of the house, is going to be good for her!

And I agree with PP - Ross Greene's "Explosive Child" book is a good idea.

I have some knowledge in this field and from your first post i felt you were describing personality disorder. I think you start with your GP.

I would look into Equine Therapy - it's very likely that she has a trauma-related diagnosis as well due to what happened when she younger. Look into one of the trauma informed Equine Therapy centres?

I would start with a diary of behaviours over a week so you can evidence what is going on. You could use what is called an ABC form.
I think this is more than ASD. Does she have an EHCP plan?

You can apply yourself as a parent