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CF have come to stay, how to handle it

1000 replies

SeriouslyLosingTheWill · 19/08/2022 14:42

Have name changed as this will be very outing.

DP asked if some relatives could come and stay for a few days. These are actually relatives of his ex wife, not blood relatives to him, but he knew them a good few years ago. We live in a holiday type area and have the room.

I didn't know much about them except they were late thirties/early forties, apparently lovely. And have had a hard couple of years as their 9yo dd has been quite ill, but is now in recovery and things are looking good.
So of course I said yes. Sounds like they have had a crap time and needed a bit of a break from it all. Said they were coming just the 2 of them, not bringing their dd.

They arrived 4 days ago. Haven't yet said when they are leaving.

The issue is they are incredibly entitled and I really really am beginning to not like them. They arrived with nothing - not a bottle of wine or a bunch of flowers. not that I expect anything but its etiquette surely to arrive with a gesture when you're staying in someones house for free. But that in itself wasn't an issue, just a little surprising.
They were all smiles and hugging DP, saying hi and basically ignored me for a good 10 minutes, just a little hello after that. No word of thanks for saying we could come or anything at this point either.
They haven't offered to buy any food. Me and DP are cooking for them. Haven't bought any drink, though they've been getting through ours very well.
Initially I thought maybe they are skint. Also on my mind was it must be awful having an ill child and they are perhaps still a bit stressed on this.

A few days in, it transpires that during the last 8 months they have been abroad on holiday twice (just them, not their dd), and a week away with their dd. So not short of holidays or 'breaks from it all'. Plus they are thinking of having their kitchen remodelled.
Still not massively friendly with me. But over the top with DP. Still no word of thanks for anything, not even after cooking a meal.
The wife also put baby wipes down the toilet when i'd specifcally said nothing in the toilet please as its a septic tank and anything other than normal toilet roll blocks it (only mentioend because we've learnt that every time after guests the thing blocks because they put sanitary towels, toilet wipes and god knows what down it, and it costs us to get it unblocked). Her reason was, she always uses babywipes on her face. Well ok, put them in the damn bin then.

Last night was almost my final straw. We went out to dinner. Their suggestion. I had a slightly more expensive starter than the rest of them (but wasn't drinking, so that should surely even out). By more expensive it was about £5 more.
When bill comes, DP said lets split down the middle (actually fully thinking they would say their treat for their stay so far) and they fussed about me having the more expensive starter but grudgingly agreed even though I hadn't had alcohol and both of them had.

I mean, seriously. £5 more, and we've fed them for 4 days, they've drank copious bottles of wine and beer while they've done sod all to help out - no offer to clear up or anything, or help fetch food or drink in. Literally nothing.

If they are so seriously short of money, then don't drive a 4 hour journey and invite yourself to someones house and freeload. Although a kitchen remodel isn't cheap.

I want them to leave. DP is also getting really pissed off with them. They clearly didn't need the break after their shit couple of years because they've been abroad more in last 8 months than we have in 4 years. Plus we are far from rich, we are literally scraping by most of the time. Feel like we've totally been taken advantage of.

I want to find out when they are leaving and I need to try and tell them in the nicest possible way to hurry up and bugger off.
So any ways I can word this, without looking like a total bitch?

OP posts:
unname · 19/08/2022 16:34

notanothertakeaway · 19/08/2022 16:33

If they ask for money for food, just say "Actually I thought it would be nice if you could get that, as we've spent quite a bit on food and drink for the last few days". Bright and breezy is probably the way to go

A tip I read once - when you're trying to be assertive, behave as if you're ordering food in a restaurant - ie polite and friendly, but with a clear expectation that you'll get what you want

Love this!

SeriouslyLosingTheWill · 19/08/2022 16:35

I will not be paying for this shopping. I do actually feel a bit mean, suggesting steak and basically tricking them, but why should I? They have totally taken the piss. Its on lots of little things too. Yesterday I was in the kitchen and mrs CF had put the kettle on, she made herself a cup of tea. (we had said on their arrival, make yourself at home, feel free to make a drink or anything as we're working on and off this week - which is normal I think to say to guests) I was still in the kitchen, she didn't ask me if I wanted one. Just made her own and went and sat back outside. Plus they have had breakfast here everyday and lunch everyday bar one day when they went out exploring for a few hours. Need to keep repeating this to myself.

If they give me the receipt I shall say what good value and plop it on the side, like was suggested. If they outright ask for money I need to decide what to say. Probably i'll bottle it and say well we can sort that later, and then don't mention it again.

OP posts:
Roussette · 19/08/2022 16:37

No, don't bottle it! Don't pretend you are going to pay. Just say... 'you're having a laugh, I won't be doing that' not in a brusque way, but whilst laughing

beastlyslumber · 19/08/2022 16:37

notanothertakeaway · 19/08/2022 16:33

If they ask for money for food, just say "Actually I thought it would be nice if you could get that, as we've spent quite a bit on food and drink for the last few days". Bright and breezy is probably the way to go

A tip I read once - when you're trying to be assertive, behave as if you're ordering food in a restaurant - ie polite and friendly, but with a clear expectation that you'll get what you want

Perfect.

HotWashCycle · 19/08/2022 16:37

You should have asked them to get strawberries and cream too! Hope they don't have the brass neck to want you to pay. .

NotaCoolMum · 19/08/2022 16:38

If they ask for money- tally up the cost of food and drink that you have supplied them with, subtract the amount they spent at Tescos and tell them to pay you the difference 😃

Aussiedream · 19/08/2022 16:39

You were doing so well until the last paragraph of your update. Don't say "we can sort that later" you need to have your response ready now!

Others will have better suggestions, but I think something along the lines of "since we have provided so many meals for you and you haven' contributed anything, which is what every other guest has ever done, and we do for others, I assumed that you would cover this one meal?" Big smile. And say you assume they're on their way tomorrow since its been x days and you hadn't budgeted on having guests for so long and for so many meals.

BruceAndNosh · 19/08/2022 16:39

YES to texting them for a couple of extra houshold items.
Dishwasher tablets aren't cheap...

ifIwerenotanandroid · 19/08/2022 16:39

OP, re money, remember that 'No' is a complete sentence. Or if that's a bit too harsh, try, "No, I won't be doing that."

And make sure your OH doesn't pay them, whether you do or not.

Charliecatpaws · 19/08/2022 16:40

can't wait for the update!

Stigsmother · 19/08/2022 16:40

I think they are going to come back and say that by the time they filled the car up (for the journey home hopefully 😁) they ran out of money, and hand over 3 value pizzas, and possibly a bottle of Tesco own brand cider

godmum56 · 19/08/2022 16:40

AffIt · 19/08/2022 15:02

This.

this. Kick them out and change the locks!!

KosherDill · 19/08/2022 16:41

What? You have complete strangers living in your house and taking advantage of your hospitaltiy? And they barely even speak to you, and put baby wipes down the toilet?

"Well, it's been great having you, but we'll need you to be leaving in the morning. Good luck with everything."

Your DP's kids can work out their own relationship with these people as time goes by.

I can't even imagine dealing with this for even one 24-hour period.

AlisonDonut · 19/08/2022 16:42

SeriouslyLosingTheWill · 19/08/2022 16:35

I will not be paying for this shopping. I do actually feel a bit mean, suggesting steak and basically tricking them, but why should I? They have totally taken the piss. Its on lots of little things too. Yesterday I was in the kitchen and mrs CF had put the kettle on, she made herself a cup of tea. (we had said on their arrival, make yourself at home, feel free to make a drink or anything as we're working on and off this week - which is normal I think to say to guests) I was still in the kitchen, she didn't ask me if I wanted one. Just made her own and went and sat back outside. Plus they have had breakfast here everyday and lunch everyday bar one day when they went out exploring for a few hours. Need to keep repeating this to myself.

If they give me the receipt I shall say what good value and plop it on the side, like was suggested. If they outright ask for money I need to decide what to say. Probably i'll bottle it and say well we can sort that later, and then don't mention it again.

If they want paying say 'I'll be totting up the food split at the weekend, I don't think this covers it so I'll text you the difference'.

VerifiedBot2351 · 19/08/2022 16:42

If they ask for money, do as a pp cleverly said: say you’ll take it off what they owe you for food and drinks for their visit.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 19/08/2022 16:43

Well done for speaking up! I'd have blown up before now( and I'm very placid)
When they come back just say Thank you for treating us on your last night with us.. our busy week continues as we have Aunty Mabel staying tomorrow, so we need to restock again.

GlueyMooey · 19/08/2022 16:44

This is a fun thread 😅

Happylittlethoughts · 19/08/2022 16:44

Just in from work ... shameless placemats for steak dinner manoeuvres 😃

Jellybean23 · 19/08/2022 16:45

Noooo, don't bottle it, you've come so far. Over dinner would be the perfect time to say 'we take it that you are leaving tomorrow - you did say a few nights and we have other guests staying for the weekend'.

KosherDill · 19/08/2022 16:46

"Reimburse you? We thought this was your treat for your farewell dinner."

Tell them you expect other guests this weekend and need the space back. I can't believe Mrs. CF made herself a tea and didn't even offer you one as you sat there.

Do they just make the rounds taking advantage of distant relatives?

woodhill · 19/08/2022 16:47

SeriouslyLosingTheWill · 19/08/2022 15:01

They are currently sunbathing in the garden. I'm working from home. DP is out on a work appointment for the next couple of hours. No doubt they will expect dinner when i'm finished.

I know I sound like a total doormat. I just find it hard to be rude to people, or blunt, especially with the family connection to DC. But you're right. I will ask them later when they are leaving and I'll tell DP if they can't give a date within the next 2 days we will tell them to go.

I might also be so bold as to ask them to go to the shops for dinner supplies and alcohol as both me and DP are working. And not offer any money for it.

Yes ask them to get a takeaway or shop for dinner with them paying

It's absolutely awful how they are treating you

SeriouslyLosingTheWill · 19/08/2022 16:47

I think they will be around an hour at the shops. I'll definitely update with what they return with.

And yes you are all right, I must not give them the impression we will pay for it if they hand the receipt. I hope it doesn't get too awkward, but i'll use some responses on here.

The teen dc who are here for dinner are both mine. DPs DC are currently with their mum so mine don't know these people or are related to them in any way. So if it gets awkward I don't think the dc will be too fussed.

I still find it very baffling. whenever I've stayed at anyones and we've been shopping I've always insisted on paying, even if the shopping included normal household stuff they needed. And I've always replaced wine or provided wine on arrival. Its so bloody odd.

OP posts:
Justcashnosweets · 19/08/2022 16:47

This thread is amazing 😃 Can't wait for the update OP. Definitely ask them what time they are leaving tomorrow!

Brigante9 · 19/08/2022 16:48

If they hand you the receipt, just say ‘Hang on, I have my receipts for all the shopping I’ve done for you this week. Shall we settle up after dinner?’

To get rid of them, ask what time they’re leaving tomorrow and tell them you have other guests coming so you need the room. Don’t tell them you’re going somewhere, they might offer to stay!

eish · 19/08/2022 16:48

Absolutely do not agree to reimbursement if tonight's purchases. They are still in your debt not the other way around.

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