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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really liked my neighbour until she said this

577 replies

neighbourhoodwatch · 18/08/2022 23:00

I've recently moved to a new area and was talking to my neighbour, who I really like.

Somehow the conversation went to GPs and how you can never get appointments and basically have to beg to be seen nowadays.

She was saying how it didn't used for be that way... before...

She then went on to say that it's because of all the immigrants that have come into this country and how our country is too small to hold all these people.

She also talked about the illegals coming in on boats etc and how terrible it is.

I am immigrant. I didn't come on a boat and I have a good job etc. But essentially I came to this country. I've never claimed benefits or anything like that. I'm on a high salary etc and studied here etc etc. So, I'm well established. Essentially whenever people say stuff like that, alarm bells start ringing for me.

Am I seeing it too black and white ? It's just difficult when someone says stuff like this to someone who also came here..... as an immigrant...

OP posts:
Thatiswild · 18/08/2022 23:04

Yanbu - I would have had to say something but if I didn’t feel I could it would definitely change how I felt about the person, that’s really horrible.

Brigante9 · 18/08/2022 23:04

Oh dear. I think long term, you are not going to be best friends with her attitude. Smile, wave, be polite, don’t become enmeshed with her.

Coffeaddict · 18/08/2022 23:05

Nope she's an old school racist / biggot.

I would limit interactions to a nod or if your feeling up to it you could challenge her and highlight the issues from the NHS come from years of mismanagement by an inept goverment. And the 125 million a week or whatever that outragous bus said was never going to go the nhs as we have seen. Lay the blame where it lies at the hands of our so called fucking goverment.

InstaHun88 · 18/08/2022 23:05

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eldora · 18/08/2022 23:08

YANBU, I’m an immigrant too. I’d like to think I would challenge her but I would probably just avoid her forever now.

People are absolutely entitled to their views on immigration but I really don’t want to hear it.

Eixample · 18/08/2022 23:11

Write her off. Just imagine the views she has that she doesn’t share with a new acquaintance if this is what she is already coming out with.
And to what extent are you going to enjoy the conversations with her if this is her level of understanding of the issues.

PinballWizard18 · 18/08/2022 23:13

My xdh ranted on about immigrants coming over here etc etc to one of his friends who totally called him out on it and said, my wife is an immigrant...

God I would have loved to have seen that. People just don't think. They have one small idea about immigration. They think all immigrants come in on dingies at Dover. So dense.

Leafy3 · 18/08/2022 23:15

Oh god, I had a neighbour like this - he was awful in other ways too. Horrible man.

Discovereads · 18/08/2022 23:17

It’s xenophobia not racism, but yes hard to hear. My DH is an immigrant as well.

I think I would have responded with immigration isn’t what has crippled the NHS, it’s the decades long campaign to underfund it until it fails by the Tories so they can make tons of money for themselves.

WTF475878237NC · 18/08/2022 23:18

I'm not friends with anyone who holds beliefs that I find detestable (such as blaming people for trying to come to the UK when there is no legal route to apply for asylum from abroad). It's personal choice who you like and don't though!

Original poster
neighbourhoodwatch · 18/08/2022 23:19

Discovereads · 18/08/2022 23:17

It’s xenophobia not racism, but yes hard to hear. My DH is an immigrant as well.

I think I would have responded with immigration isn’t what has crippled the NHS, it’s the decades long campaign to underfund it until it fails by the Tories so they can make tons of money for themselves.

She is definitely a torie and a brexiteer.

OP posts:
esteemsports · 18/08/2022 23:20

I'm not an immigrant but I would avoid her. Not an opinion I want to hear about it a person I would be involved with.

MangyInseam · 18/08/2022 23:20

Well a lot of immigrants work in health care, so her opinion isn't straightforward.

On the other hand, it is not unreasonable that people see things like housing and public services, and the numbers of people arriving, and wonder how that can be justified. At the coal face it's very difficult for people to not ask these questions. For example, where I live there is a serious housing crises - people are living in tents all over the city. And many people have been on waiting lists for doctors for years, they struggle to even get prescription refills, it's actually really bad.

And yet we've continued to have groups of migrants, from Ukraine, and other places, come in, and they are put in housing, given doctors, etc. If you are living in a tent, or there is a group of tents and their attendant problems in your neighbourhood, that looks pretty bad.

In general if you like your neighbour, it might be better, rather than writing her off, to have a discussion about it. Say "but lots of the people working in the NHS are immigrants - I think maybe the bigger issue is lack of investment in infrastructure." And maybe she will agree, or take it under consideration, or say something that makes you rethink.

BronzeSage · 18/08/2022 23:21

Silly woman.

thankyouforthesun · 18/08/2022 23:22

Oh god my dad says things like that and he is an immigrant, he came over from Ireland in the 80s for a well paid professional job. He means the other sort of immigrants obviously. We call him out on it every single time.

1dontunderstand · 18/08/2022 23:25

I have heard this also. Because I’m white with an English accent, I never get mistaken for a ‘foreigner’, but that’s exactly what I am, I’m an immigrant and I don’t even have a Uk passport!!!
I’ve even heard it from stbxh. People are ignorant twits!

NannyGythaOgg · 18/08/2022 23:29

My usual 'challenge' is to ask 'What did you do to be lucky enough to be born here?' ?????

Following up with - Yes, you were born here - doesn't that make you lucky, not entitled. ????? Sometimes, (if they are otherwise decent people) it makes them think. Otherwise meh ... I'm not going to waste any more time with them.

TCMolly · 18/08/2022 23:31

My Mum does this, forgetting that she chose to move abroad and is now an immigrant herself. She's also a Brexiteer.

Pixiedust1234 · 18/08/2022 23:38

So she's a tory, a brexiteer and racist. Anything else you want to add?

MummyJ36 · 18/08/2022 23:38

Oh that’s always disappointing to hear OP. Not that it should matter but how old is she? Unfortunately it can be an opinion that an older generation can be inclined to hold. If you liked her until that point maybe just keep things cordial, I’m sure she wasn’t meaning to offend you but I can absolutely see why this hurt. It’s not the right attitude at all and is an incredibly simplistic and black and white view of the world. I’d have a reply lined up if you happen to see her again and she says something similar. You can word it in a way that is not argumentative but I think it’s important that she hears the human side of this. Sometimes it’s easy to hold bad opinions about a group of people before you actually see the face and reality of the people you are holding these negative options against.

EveSix · 18/08/2022 23:45

Another immigrant here, and a child of immigrants in my country of birth. You wouldn't know if you saw me or spoke to me, hence I am occasionally on the receiving end of xenophobic musings like your neighbour's. I always try to be gutsy and challenge the speaker but it can be hard, especially if in a group and others concur.

Macaroni1924 · 18/08/2022 23:46

I’m not an immigrant and tbh this would put me off her. Why anyone would think saying something like that to someone they don’t know much about is appropriate and is beyond me. I do believe people are entitled to their own beliefs and opinions but I don’t necessarily think they need to share them with everyone. Surely if you feel that way it’s something you talk about with ur nearest and dearest not the neighbours 🤔

TheFlis12345 · 18/08/2022 23:48

I had a similar conversation with my mum’s neighbour a while back. After pointedly asking in the most innocent tone ‘oh did Dr Patel used to have a lot more time for you before all those immigrants’ and saying ‘yes I am sure Dr Ahmed and Dr Radu were more attentive before all the immigrants all arrived’ I think she got the hint and shut up!

carefullycourageous · 18/08/2022 23:49

This would put me off, I would have had to say something. I would just keep your distance. No one needs a bigot as a friend.

UWhatNow · 18/08/2022 23:54

NannyGythaOgg · 18/08/2022 23:29

My usual 'challenge' is to ask 'What did you do to be lucky enough to be born here?' ?????

Following up with - Yes, you were born here - doesn't that make you lucky, not entitled. ????? Sometimes, (if they are otherwise decent people) it makes them think. Otherwise meh ... I'm not going to waste any more time with them.

I don’t get it… Am I lucky to be born here? I don’t feel particularly lucky…I’m piss poor.

I’d rather have been born in Switzerland or the Nordic countries where quality of life is so much better.