Sister threw DS out of the photo

[HellMc]

My DS (10) has always pulled silly faces in photos, he’s done it since he was a toddler. We tried getting him to stop but it’s like he can’t help himself so we just got on with it. We assumed if we didn’t make a fuss out of it he’s grow out of it but he didn’t. All of his school photos have silly faces etc and now we just laugh. The only photos we have of him not doing a silly face are the natural ones he didn’t know we were taking.

Anyway yesterday me, DS, sister, her kids and my other sisters son went on a day out a national heritage site. Sister wanted a group photo of all the kids so they all stood together in front of the ruins. Sister then said to DS “either stop pulling faces or stand over there out of the photo” 😱 it came as a shock as everyone was laughing at him initially and then she suddenly got mad. I told her I thought she was being a bit harsh and she said “sorry but I’ve been trying to take a nice photo of them all all day for mum and he’s ruined every one so far”.

I told DS to just this once not pull a face but he continued doing so so sister told him to get out of shot. She then took the photo of the other kids and said “there, finally mum will have a photo for her wall”.

so I said mum would want all the kids together so she said “actually, mum told me to take the pic without your ds if he insisted on pulling a face, she was annoyed with the last lot of photos I took her because he’d ruined them all.

I feel hurt, not just about my sister but also what my mum (his grandma!) has clearly been saying!!

AIBu to feel hurt at DS being excluded from a family photo that is destined for my mums wall??

I have not read the whole thread, sorry.

My son always gurned in photos. He did ok at primary school, up to year 5, but I struggled with his behaviour at home - I put this down to my parenting :( I moved him to a different school in y6 and it was apparent, within weeks, that he was autistic.

It surprised me when the paediatrician assessing him said that not being able to construct a ‘normal’ smile for a photo was very common in autistic children. I had no idea.

He is old enough to know better.

This is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve read on MN, if it’s not a wind-up. Of course YABU. Your son should be able to follow directions and his antics are not funny or cute. I retired after many years of teaching, and any child who did that during a group photo or performance was warned ahead of time then removed after not following directions. You are being absolutely ridiculous for letting it continue. Be a parent, OP, not a buddy.

I just read the OP again. In the post above I was referring to school children aged six and seven. Your child is TEN and doing this?! This can’t be a real question.

I misread the thread title as "Sister threw DS out of the window".

One of my DS’s does this. It’s annoying and selfish as it is hard to get a good group photo anyway, without someone deliberately making a silly face, and just occasionally I would like a photo of my DC together without those faces. He is younger than your DS though and he doesn’t like being in photos - so he doesn’t really need to be “thrown out” against his wishes.

Did your DS actually mind not being in it?

At my grandparents Ruby wedding meal they wanted a photo with them and all their grandchildren (this was back in the days of cameras with film etc). Back came the photos and in every single one my brother was pulling a stupid face. My gran had wanted to put one in a frame but couldn’t because of him being stupid.

You're not being unreasonable to feel hurt, but you are being unreasonable to put the blame on anything other than your son's behavior. If it bothers your son that he is being excluded from family photos, he'll start working on his issue.

I’d be mortified, embarrassed and severely apologetic if I had a child like this. Why shouldn’t everyone have a nice photo just because you’ve not been able to teach your child basic manners in the 10 years you’ve had with him? Christ’s bike, what a disrespectful and mischievous so and so.

Now that I would have thought she was unreasonable to do.

Not sure if this helps HellMc but we used to have this situation with our daughters, possibly as they were going through a self conscious period. We offered a compromise: ‘nice one’ with smiles first, then “silly one’ after - everyone could join in (or not as preferred). You get a mantle piece worthy photo and also one we could have a giggle with them after. Usually that kept the peace.

So basically your sister parented him because you won't. He's 10 not 2 it's not cute or funny and I don't understand why this sort of behaviour has been allowed to continue

@steff13 🤣🤣🤣🤣

You’ve let him get away with it for too long, that’s why. He’s 10 and every school photo he’s pulling faces.
You reap what you sow.

I think it's fine for your sister to ask your son to move out of the shot if he didn't want to smile and that's the kind of photo she and grandma wanted.

I think people on this thread are being melodramatic to the point of hysteria though. It's a kid who clearly feels uncomfortable with photos. I think practising at home or letting him know he doesn't have to be in any photos is the way forward. Its really not a big deal. I'd be far more embarrassed if my adult child was calling other people's kids names like idiot and twat (!) on the internet.

Just because your son pulled silly faces in photos at two years of age is absolutely no excuse for him to be still doing it at ten. Stop making excuses for his pathetic behaviour. Your sister and Mum are absolutely right but you’re too busy making excuses for your son to see it.

It’s interesting that the only way you have found to stop this behaviour is to shout and embarrass him. This is pretty extreme as usually a few quiet words would be enough.

Seems to me that his behaviour has been reinforced over the years by you laughing with him. He is now confused about whether this is a ‘wanted’ or ‘unwanted’ behaviour as sometimes people have been entertained by it and other times not. He doesn’t care about being excluded from photos but he does care about getting a reaction.

Give him a consistent response, not mixed messages, and model the behaviour you expect.

Unfortunately it does seem you've accepted and encouraged the behaviour and have not done much to stop it. Accepted that's just him- that's your (and his choice) not have a photo with him in it pulling dumb faces is theirs- and that's the consequence. You say there are no additional needs, so it's a choice, although maybe not a conscious one anymore, but a choice nevertheless. It's up to you and him to start dealing with it, because it's obviously not funny to others and your family have made that pretty obvious.

Your DSis was well within her rights to kick him out of the photo. You haven't taken it seriously enough to address it fully, now it's time to.

You'll need to ask him who he thinks finds it funny. (And learn to stop the embarrassed laughter yourself) and go through everyone that has found it upsetting, and then ask him how funny he finds it not being included in the photos. Maybe eventually it will get through to him.

Now though it's become such a habit that it's going to be very difficult. Lots and lots of practice with him, taking photos of him on his own, and then selfies with you. See if you can work through it.

God, does it actually matter? (Apart from passport photos obviously). Every granny I k ow would much prefer a photo of all their grandchildren, even if one is making a stupid face.

It’s probably about as credible.

Based on this things said it in this thread I went to find the dancing girl thread

both if your kids sound like acquired tastes

youd prob get on

I agree OP, some people on here are being really horrible.

Your son obviously has anxiety about photos. I wonder if you could try to address that with him? He is 10 so he's old enough to start confronting this - there will be times in his life when he needs to be still for a photograph, so the best thing to do is confront it head on.

Talk to him. Say 'I know you get nervous when you're having your photo taken and that's why you pull a silly face to make people laugh, and it is really funny. But what happened the other day with your auntie and at the passport booth wasn't fun. Shall we work on it together, so you can sit still when you need to?'

Take some pictures of him at home, just the two of you, and tell him they're all going to be deleted, this is just a 'practice', to see if he can do it. Get his favourite toys/ items with him, or in his bedroom, something that will be comforting for him. See if he can just look in the other direction first, not at the camera. If he can do that, try looking at the camera. Try eyes closed so he can't see, then try eyes open.

He just needs some help with it and work through it with him step by step, he might surprise you.

I have a relative who is like that.
definitely attention seeking for them. holding everyone up on photo occasions.
we had to exclude them a couple of times from group photos before they got the message.
we usually do one 'proper' photo followed by a silly one. where relative is often the only one with a 'normal' face. because they want to always stand out.

But that’s the point, he’s 10 he can help himself. It sounds like you’ve inadvertently encouraged it. I don’t blame your sister as wrangling everyone for a group photo is difficult enough but I probably would have had a quiet word beforehand if it was my nephew if he had form for this kind of thing, explaining that I’d like him to do one nice pose for granny and then a silly one after.