Sister threw DS out of the photo

[HellMc]

My DS (10) has always pulled silly faces in photos, he’s done it since he was a toddler. We tried getting him to stop but it’s like he can’t help himself so we just got on with it. We assumed if we didn’t make a fuss out of it he’s grow out of it but he didn’t. All of his school photos have silly faces etc and now we just laugh. The only photos we have of him not doing a silly face are the natural ones he didn’t know we were taking.

Anyway yesterday me, DS, sister, her kids and my other sisters son went on a day out a national heritage site. Sister wanted a group photo of all the kids so they all stood together in front of the ruins. Sister then said to DS “either stop pulling faces or stand over there out of the photo” 😱 it came as a shock as everyone was laughing at him initially and then she suddenly got mad. I told her I thought she was being a bit harsh and she said “sorry but I’ve been trying to take a nice photo of them all all day for mum and he’s ruined every one so far”.

I told DS to just this once not pull a face but he continued doing so so sister told him to get out of shot. She then took the photo of the other kids and said “there, finally mum will have a photo for her wall”.

so I said mum would want all the kids together so she said “actually, mum told me to take the pic without your ds if he insisted on pulling a face, she was annoyed with the last lot of photos I took her because he’d ruined them all.

I feel hurt, not just about my sister but also what my mum (his grandma!) has clearly been saying!!

AIBu to feel hurt at DS being excluded from a family photo that is destined for my mums wall??

Yes, I’m familiar with the presentation (I also teach) but isn’t it striking that the parent doesn’t seem to be particularly interested in considering why he’s doing it, or in ruling out the simple explanation by consistently applying firm boundaries? In the Asda passport incident she tried to bribe the child and undermined her DH when he did lay out clear consequences.

There is a point where you are just too old for that sort of shit. Hopefully your 10 year old has finally learnt that today. Pulling faces at 2 is one thing, but at 10 you should have stepped in way before now.

But what if the other more mature children don't want to pull silly faces? Forced daftness is mortifying for some people. The boy needs to just behave.

God, I couldn't agree more 🤦‍♀️
The idea that everyone has to normalise his nonsense instead of him being told to quit 🤪

So from when he was young it became his ‘party truck’ and everyone laughed. Then suddenly, even though his Mum is laughing and defending his behaviour, his party trick is causing him to be excluded.

Passport pics, and it goes from bribery with toys to full on yelling. Why not a clear non angry explanation that no pic = no holiday, not as punishment, as fact, in the first place?

OP just talk to him about how he feels about all this. And give him tips. Occupy his mind by counting backwards from 100. If the photo is for grandma smile at her and think ‘hello’. Look at something in the far distance over the photographers shoulder, or whatever.

Oh it’s not a big deal 😂 People are so uptight.

How is he supposed to learn that actions have consequences if this is never demonstrated to him?

I think your sister handled it really well.

She asked him to do a nice one.
Warned him what would happen if he didn’t.
Then followed through.
Which is perfect parenting.

You probably haven’t followed through when you’ve given him warnings in the past which is why you’re so shocked that your sister did.

I do feel his pain because I hate photos too as it makes me feel so awkward but there are certain times when you need your photo taken and he needs to learn that his behaviour isn’t appropriate.

THIS could be your solution OP

I’m in the minority here but I hate people labouring to get the perfect picture of kids all smiling and perfect - just chill out and let them be kids! I hated having my picture taken as a child and used to do the same because I felt self conscious.

HNTTFT but at the age of ten he should do as he is told !
He is showing off and grabbing attention .

OP have you tried saying - let's have one normal
photo and one silly photo?

That way he can pull his silly faces but you also
get a normal shot too

I think this is a great idea and actually what we do at work too.

Obviously you don’t have to pull a silly face but most people feel more comfortable doing a silly face then a smiley face.

It will show him that there’s a time and place for his behaviour without sucking the fun out of everything.

The best photos I have of son and cousins was when they all had to pose. They all had a thinking pose, a pointing in the same direction, facing each other etc. Maybe next time suggest this. ours were made into a collage and everyone comments on them. It may make him more relaxed.

I always look dreadful in photos, I always manage to blink!

I don’t think anyone here is wanting tbe perfect Colgate / Kodak style picture - just one where the OP’s child is not visually behaving like an overindulged brat

YABU - he’s 10, he was warned, he should be able to not pull a silly face for a few seconds!.

It sounds like he feels really awkward and uncomfortable. I always thought my daughter was beautiful and I have lovely photos of her that I have taken but her school photos were a nightmare. The production line nature of the photos left her looking like she was snarling!

I know he is 10 so not a little one by any means but I wonder if you could work with him - maybe asking him to copy you or ask him to make a cross face or a thoughtful face etc until he is relaxed and can just look at the camera without needing to make a face.

Quite a strange situation - never heard of a child as old as this never been able to take a photo without pulling a face... perhaps as other people have said it's an anxiety thing or something he's gotten used to doing and is weirdly hooked on it. He probably doesn't know why himself.

There are worse things for a ten year old boy to do, and as you say he doesn't have any other behavioural issues. However, I can totally understand your sister refusal to let him in the photo so as not to spoil the whole picture.

To avoid this happening again hopefully you can take the time now to find the root cause of this, so it's resolved before he does end of year photos in Year 6 (assuming he's going into Year 6 after the summer)

Christ almighty, you do this with grown adults? Wtf!

‘The overwhelming likelihood is that this is a silly child with a permissive, indulgent parent.‘

@ThanksItHasPockets ouch harsh much! God forbid a 10 year old be silly.

Sorry, I thought you were laughing because the passport question had already been covered extensively!

He is 10. Of course he can help it. If he won't stop when told, then your sister is quite right. I also don't know why he won't do what you, his mum, tells him.

isn’t it striking that the parent doesn’t seem to be particularly interested in considering why he’s doing it, or in ruling out the simple explanation by consistently applying firm boundaries?

It is. Which is why, earlier in the thread, I tried to give her some ideas for addressing it in a way that might uncover the root cause and give him strategies @ThanksItHasPockets . But right now I'm really bothered by the spitefulness of the majority of the comments here. It's just a torrent of unpleasantness.

Note that I totally understand the aunt and GM's frustration, and I think it was okay for sis to manage it as she did on that occasion. But there are many truly awful posts here, and they're not actually going to help OP at all (if she can even face coming back).

I maintain that there's more to this than meets the eye, and I hope that she can address it, and the kid's issue can be resolved. Because there is one, whatever it stems from.

Your sister hardly "threw" him out of the photo now. Just asked him to step aside, which is a perfectly normal request when your son refuses to behave.
Maybe time you stopped laughing when you get the silly faced school photos.

I maintain that there's more to this than meets the eye, and I hope that she can address it, and the kid's issue can be resolved. Because there is one, whatever it stems from.

Oh for heaven's sake. He does it because it makes his mother simper and gets him attention. She needs to have a talk with him about when it's okay to be silly and when it's not: job done.

Honestly this thread is batshit crazy. OP I'm sorry you've had such a tough time on here. I've been there and it's horrible. You post for advice and get piled on for the most innocuous thing. People have been incredibly rude about your son and about you.

I really don't think it's that big a deal. He's a child. I think your mum and sister are being slightly unreasonable if anything but the biggest culprits in this scenario are the people on this thread who have called your son 'irritating', 'a brat', 'rude', 'annoying' and 'childish' all because of a slightly annoying habit we've been told about.

Note the distinction - the habit might be annoying. That does NOT mean your son is annoying.