Sister threw DS out of the photo

[HellMc]

My DS (10) has always pulled silly faces in photos, he’s done it since he was a toddler. We tried getting him to stop but it’s like he can’t help himself so we just got on with it. We assumed if we didn’t make a fuss out of it he’s grow out of it but he didn’t. All of his school photos have silly faces etc and now we just laugh. The only photos we have of him not doing a silly face are the natural ones he didn’t know we were taking.

Anyway yesterday me, DS, sister, her kids and my other sisters son went on a day out a national heritage site. Sister wanted a group photo of all the kids so they all stood together in front of the ruins. Sister then said to DS “either stop pulling faces or stand over there out of the photo” 😱 it came as a shock as everyone was laughing at him initially and then she suddenly got mad. I told her I thought she was being a bit harsh and she said “sorry but I’ve been trying to take a nice photo of them all all day for mum and he’s ruined every one so far”.

I told DS to just this once not pull a face but he continued doing so so sister told him to get out of shot. She then took the photo of the other kids and said “there, finally mum will have a photo for her wall”.

so I said mum would want all the kids together so she said “actually, mum told me to take the pic without your ds if he insisted on pulling a face, she was annoyed with the last lot of photos I took her because he’d ruined them all.

I feel hurt, not just about my sister but also what my mum (his grandma!) has clearly been saying!!

AIBu to feel hurt at DS being excluded from a family photo that is destined for my mums wall??

Unbelievable.............. behaviour and poor parenting.

you may excuse it by saying, it's just how he is. He can't go through life getting away with things because it's just how he is. soon he will be at secondary school and expected to conform to reasonable standards of behavior. Other people won't find it funny. He needs to learn that his actions have consequences. Full makes to your sister for putting him in his place.

You have written this in a couple of your posts @HellMc :

"I’ve asked him why he does it and he says it’s because it’s funny. When I’ve told him other people don’t like it he gets defensive and upset"
and
"I don’t find it funny at all, I was laughing along with the others yesterday as I felt awkward and embarrassed."

I think they are linked.

Now in relation to the first point - that he says it's because it's funny - but funny to who? The other people in the photo? The person taking the photo? Or just funny to him???

This ties in with the fact that you were laughing along with the others yesterday - stop laughing at him.

100% honest statement here, if I were a parent of another child in the same class as your DS, I'd ask for two class photos to be made - one with him in it (so that you could be happy with his funny face as he's so lovely and adorable to you) and one without him (so the other parents could actually purchase the photo and put it on their walls).

Give him an example of something that someone repeatedly does that is annoying to someone else. Ask him what should happen if, having been asked to stop doing the annoying thing, if the person kept doing it, what should happen? Should there be consequences for them continuing to annoy someone else.

Does your DS understand that actions have consequences?

@EllenWaiteourkid i assume your parenting is perfect 🤔. There really is no need for that, really unpleasant.

A quick google confirms that anxiety at having one's photo taken is a very real thing. Pretty much a phobia.

Given how much grief and anger this normally well behaved boy is gettinng for pulling those faces, I honestly think he's a got a specific anxiety thing going on. Who would choose to be yelled at and have everyone furious with you, when in every other area of life you're compliant?

Seriously @HellMc , your sister did what she had to do. But you really need to have a proper talk with your son about how he feels when photos are taken. If he continues to say that it's just funny, then simply say "sorry, but I don't think that's the reason. I think you just feel awkward don't you?" (or something along those lines)

He really does need strategies. Whether it's the counting back wards, or staring into the distance, or simply biting the inside of his lip so that it's impossible to pull a face. Maybe between youyou can come up with something?

He has been doing it since he was 2, because it has been encouraged and rewarded. You have massively let him down encouraging this and allowing him to ruin photos for nearly 10 years. All the red flags that this is socially an increasing problem have been there.

It is now so strongly embedded he will find it hard to change, it is up to you to fix this and help him with increasing consequences and ignoring the tears until he unlearns it. Your dh was absolutely right in the photo booth incident.

Tell him it will no longer be tolerated, you will warn once only then there will be a decent consequence that is followed through, not just a weak consequence of not being in the photo. You need to get this fixed now before secondary school, college/uni, work, any family weddings, graduations become a comedy noone finds funny too.

You have encouraged this because you laugh & you pay for these photos when they come back from school.

If it was once in a rare while, there would be nothing wrong with it, but it's all the time which is not okay.
He thinks it's funny because you react as if it's funny.
If you put those pictures up, you are reinforcing the message it is okay & you appear to be trying to pass this off as 'it's just how he is'.

Stop laughing at the unacceptable thing he is doing & teach him to behave.
Exclude him from photos if he does it until he learns to act in a suitable manner.

As long as you encourage him by letting it be okay it will never stop & he SHOULD be stopped because he is spoiling things for other people.

A quick google confirms that anxiety at having one's photo taken is a very real thing. Pretty much a phobia.

But he can do it when he's told off instead of indulged. Try that technique with someone who has an a phobia and see how far you get.

Now we have the catastrophic anxiety-induced response to add to it.

The likelihood is once he’s properly pulled up on it he’ll stop. After all he has a passport photograph with no silly face. He can control it when needed.

He's 10. Time he learned to do as he's told or face the consequences.

He can definitely help it.

I agree with other PPs that it’s clearly a self-consciousness thing. That’s very, very common. My mum looks like a psychotic killer in most photos, with a big toothy fake smile but a look of alarm in her eyes. My husband stiffens up like a rake for all photos, making him look like a Victorian or something. In both cases it’s due to self-consciousness. There’s a reason not everyone can be a model… apart from not being attractive enough, obviously, being able to pose for photos without clamming up is a skill. I remember being 9 (I know I was 9 because of the house we were living in) and standing in front of the mirror practicing my “photo smile” because I was fed up of looking grumpy in photos even when I thought I was smiling. So your son can definitely do something about it.

He needs to be taught a strategy for posing for photos so he can focus on something else instead of focusing on how embarrassed he feels.

But also, you need to stop tolerating his silly behaviour. I do have sympathy for your complaint that your mum would apparently rather have a photo without him, but at the end of the day they’re probably sick and tired of his silly behaviour when he is more than capable of stopping.

OP have you tried saying - let's have one normal
photo and one silly photo?

That way he can pull his silly faces but you also
get a normal shot too

He sounds tiresome.

I’m with your sis and mum.

Is he unhappy with how he looks in photos so he deliberately pulls a face to sabotage them on purpose?

I with your sister. He's not a toddler and has no additional needs mentioned. At ten he should know better.

he can’t seem to help himself

Of course he can. He just chooses not to.

He doesn't have some weird mystery non existent syndrome that makes him pull faces.

I would have excluded him from the photo too.
Boo fucking hoo that he was upset - it was easily avoidable.
Why on earth have you let this ridiculous situation carry on?

FWIW I agree with the posters who are expressing concern about what happens when he starts having adult relationships.

What kind of faces does he pull?

Except he can't. His aunt told him off and got really frustrated, but he still couldn't stop. The passport thing only worked when he was made to cry. Which is exactly what a phobic person would do when loudly shouted at in a public place when they simmply can't hold it together.

From all your posts I am getting the impression that you indulge and make excuses for your son alot.
Parenting like that is really not doing your kid any favours, you do know that right?
With bad behaviour that has become ingrained you should be backing up family members who challange it and it seems you are not.
Thats really unhealthy for your poor boy.

Your son is 10. More than old enough to realise what is appropriate.
Yabu.

A phobic person would bolt, not cry.

Again, he only has a passport photo because he cried. Phobic people cry when their fear and anxiety becomes unbearable.

Sorry OP but it does sound annoying as fuck for everyone involved (especially if you’ve asked him to stop) I can see what your DS is saying (and DM tbh because I know for a fact my DM/Nan etc wouldn’t want EVERY photo of her GC with stupid faces in) I can see why your DH lost his shit in Asda too and I think you were being unreasonable to argue with him over it because DS got upset at actually being told off for it

Again, he only has a passport photo because he cried. Phobic people cry when their fear and anxiety becomes unbearable.

Or he was crying because his dad shouted at him in Asda.

People cry when they are told off. Not only when they are phobic.

Your sister gave him the choice (pull face or be in pic).

She indicated that she wanted him to not pull faces .

He chose not to be in the picture. He didn't want to please her. (He wasn't excluded)

It is a shame that (for kind reasons) he has been led to believe that people like the clowning and that he doesn't have to stop it ...unless shouted at.