Sister threw DS out of the photo

[HellMc]

My DS (10) has always pulled silly faces in photos, he’s done it since he was a toddler. We tried getting him to stop but it’s like he can’t help himself so we just got on with it. We assumed if we didn’t make a fuss out of it he’s grow out of it but he didn’t. All of his school photos have silly faces etc and now we just laugh. The only photos we have of him not doing a silly face are the natural ones he didn’t know we were taking.

Anyway yesterday me, DS, sister, her kids and my other sisters son went on a day out a national heritage site. Sister wanted a group photo of all the kids so they all stood together in front of the ruins. Sister then said to DS “either stop pulling faces or stand over there out of the photo” 😱 it came as a shock as everyone was laughing at him initially and then she suddenly got mad. I told her I thought she was being a bit harsh and she said “sorry but I’ve been trying to take a nice photo of them all all day for mum and he’s ruined every one so far”.

I told DS to just this once not pull a face but he continued doing so so sister told him to get out of shot. She then took the photo of the other kids and said “there, finally mum will have a photo for her wall”.

so I said mum would want all the kids together so she said “actually, mum told me to take the pic without your ds if he insisted on pulling a face, she was annoyed with the last lot of photos I took her because he’d ruined them all.

I feel hurt, not just about my sister but also what my mum (his grandma!) has clearly been saying!!

AIBu to feel hurt at DS being excluded from a family photo that is destined for my mums wall??

He's 10. Your sister was right.

I agree. Your son dislike being told off. Well nobody does.
You're not doing him any favours by laughing at him, or by not supporting your husband, sister, or the school when they try to make him behave himself.
Even if it means a few tears he needs to learn to do as he's told and stop ruining things for other people.

Has he got a passport !?!?

I think how he's behaving makes perfect sense.

Everyone's been laughing at him, so he's learned it's funny.

Then suddenly all the laughter has turned into "people don't like it" / "you're ruining everything". You even said your DSis turned quickly from laughter to being angry and removing him from the shot today.

No wonder the poor kid's confused and defensive – he's fielding wildly mixed messages where laughter can turn to anger at any moment, and the 'danger zone' of high emotion in either potential direction is when there's a camera in his face.

"I told DS to just this once not pull a face"

It sounds like you're negotiating with him rather than setting a boundary. He sounds quite naughty TBH, ruining school photos and passport photos and disobeying his parents in a variety of situations. It does not sound like a compulsion, when you ask him why he does it he says it's because it's funny. This sense of entitlement, or "if I think it's funny then it is funny" attitude is going to set him up for trouble in the future.

Kudos to your sister for following through. Doubtless your whole family discuss this as it has clearly become an issue that your son is badly behaved and you are a pushover. I expect the parents at school are irritated with your son and with your parenting too. Your son is not the star of the show, it is time he stopped behaving like he believes he is and you have to stop reinforcing that belief.

I'm not saying I agree with @Citylife but what does you being autistic and not ruining photos have to do with the OP's son?

Totally agree with your sister on this one. Your son is being very irritating indeed. He needs to behave himself, like everyone else in the photo.

Are you one of those gentle parents?

Gentle parenting doesn’t mean permissive parenting.

You laugh at > you reward the behaviour> he does it again.
You’ve mentioned you laughing and finding his photos funny several times so my take is he’s seen this as a reward for his behaviour.
Put the camera away, no photos and hopefully by 12 he’ll have decided it’s not worth doing.

Bloody hell, that's a massive leap of offensive shite. Being naughty and pulling faces in photos is not an early sign of being a rapist FFS.

Bit of a leap there...

I am pointing out that he was excluded for good reason. given the price of the photos.

But from your other posts I think that we are in agreement.

YABU. Your son has persisted in a behaviour that amuses him but upsets his family. He continues when instructed by adults not to do so. Most kids grow out of that kind of behaviour around around age three.

The fact that you’re angry with your sister over this incident, not your son, says a lot about your parenting.

Show your son how upset you are and tell him that it is his fault. Let him see that his stupid behaviour has caused genuine stress and hurt for several relations and their relationships with each other. Discipline your child.

There is still a chance that your son might manage to learn to think about other people’s feelings, instead of growing into an adult who does whatever amuses him no matter how much it upsets others. But whether he grows into an adult capable of forming respectful relationships, or not, depends a great deal on you.

My DH is like this. He doesn't know what to do with his face in a photo. It's like he can't smile on demand so he does something stupid instead.

He is fine with passport/ID photos as you don't have to smile.

That's an unfair leap from a silly race in a photo to him sexually assaulting his teenage girlfriend. They're in no way related.

I understand why you are hurt but honestly I think your sister was very fair. You both asked him to smile. He ignored you. She was very clear about what would happen if he didn’t smile. It’s really up to your mum what she puts on her wall. I have lots of photos of my kids pulling silly faces. They can be funny but I never choose them to display in my home. I prefer natural shots or ones where they are smiling nicely. After ten years I’m not surprised your family have lost patience with your son. He needs to start growing up now.

It challenges the ableist shite that is constantly posted about autism.

Oh, yes, we are. Good on school I reckon.

I don't blame your sister at all. Your child is well old enough to control himself (or if he has special needs, they should be attended to.)

You need to practice at home and drill him in the proper behaviour when others are taking group photos, frankly.

I suspect she means any gf would be pissed off if everytime she trued to get a nice picture he started making faces, not that he's likely to rape her.

Could you explain to him that it might have been funny the first time, but most jokes aren’t funny the second time and if repeated, they soon get tiresome. Does your DS have a favourite joke? Would he laugh if someone told it to him every day?

thank goodness I am not normal then

I remember this, another kid that didn't care she was annoying people.

I've read the first 100 posts and I have a couple of questions -

1. Does you son know how to smile without there being a camera around?
2. Why do you think it was unreasonable of your mother and/or your sister to say to your son "Stop pulling funny faces (which actually aren't that funny now that you're 10 and not 2 anymore) or you're not in the photo?

She didn't throw your DS out of the photo. His antics that no one (up to this point) has put a stop to caused him not to be in the photo.

Last point or question - have you ever spoken directly to your 10 year old son asking him why he keeps doing it and told him to stop doing it yourself?

Ok - going back to read from post 101 onwards now. (Apologies for posting before reading the entire thread but I'm going back to do that now).

What the fuck?
He pulls stupid faces for photos so he'll probably go on to rape his girlfriend?
What's wrong with you?