Sister threw DS out of the photo

[HellMc]

My DS (10) has always pulled silly faces in photos, he’s done it since he was a toddler. We tried getting him to stop but it’s like he can’t help himself so we just got on with it. We assumed if we didn’t make a fuss out of it he’s grow out of it but he didn’t. All of his school photos have silly faces etc and now we just laugh. The only photos we have of him not doing a silly face are the natural ones he didn’t know we were taking.

Anyway yesterday me, DS, sister, her kids and my other sisters son went on a day out a national heritage site. Sister wanted a group photo of all the kids so they all stood together in front of the ruins. Sister then said to DS “either stop pulling faces or stand over there out of the photo” 😱 it came as a shock as everyone was laughing at him initially and then she suddenly got mad. I told her I thought she was being a bit harsh and she said “sorry but I’ve been trying to take a nice photo of them all all day for mum and he’s ruined every one so far”.

I told DS to just this once not pull a face but he continued doing so so sister told him to get out of shot. She then took the photo of the other kids and said “there, finally mum will have a photo for her wall”.

so I said mum would want all the kids together so she said “actually, mum told me to take the pic without your ds if he insisted on pulling a face, she was annoyed with the last lot of photos I took her because he’d ruined them all.

I feel hurt, not just about my sister but also what my mum (his grandma!) has clearly been saying!!

AIBu to feel hurt at DS being excluded from a family photo that is destined for my mums wall??

This would irritate the crap out of me and I'm completely on your sisters side on this

So nobody else gets to have any nice photos because your son won't let them have them? What a joke! Good on your sister. Maybe he'll learn to stop pulling faces. If he doesn't he can just sit out of the occasional picture.

This and it should of happened at aged 4 not 10. Nice photo and then another where we all pull faces. Attention seeking is he?

class photo and he’s the one messing around?

You need to talk him through it.

Ok, it's funny to him to pull faces.
Is it funny that someone is cross with him?
Does he like being told off about it?
How does it make him feel when he is told to move away and isn't allowed to be in the photo?

Etc.

Guide him to the realisation that it's not a good thing to always pull faces even when asked not to.

He says it’s funny, so he’s doing it deliberate. Time he learned it isn’t, your sister, Dh and mum have clearly got annoyed so it isn’t funny, obviously. I’d be fuming that he’s wrecked all of his school photos. I bet his teachers are fed up of his poor behaviour when there are others watching.

If you really think about it, the whole concept of everyone smiling for a photo at the same time is a really odd, kinda creepy, thing!

Not as creepy as everyone always pulling faces in photos 😅

“now we just laugh”
There’s your problem right there. Nothing is more seductive to a child than making people laugh, so he’s going to carry on spoiling photographs because that is his identity now - the “photo clown”. Why are you still laughing?

I think you seem overly concerned about your son being upset about being told off even when hes refusing to follow instructions, pissing about, wasting peoples time and money.
So what if he looked close to tears. He has to learn that if he wants to be in photos then he needs to stand nicely and smile or look neutral. Hes acting like a baby and youre enabling it.

YABU I'd have told him exactly the same, no reason why he can't behave and not pull silly faces.

Yabu. Your mum and sister are right. Why should photos be ruined because he essentially chooses not to behave despite being asked to co-operate by adults? Perhaps it will help teach him to not do it when asked.

Good for her.

It is going to be impossible to distinguish whether this is an involuntary response when the alternative explanation is that it is a learned behaviour that has been indulged and encouraged by his parents for most of his life.

I agree with your sister. You should have nipped this in the bud 5 years ago.

yabu

i would be cross to receive a photo with my ds pulling a funny face.

He’s 10. Old enough to understand he’s acting like an idiot

Well if he doesn't want to get excluded he needs to stop playing the fool. Simple as that.

YABU, your sister did the right thing. You need to accept that your son does not rule the roost and allow him to spoil the photos for everyone else.

OP - when you do speak to him about it, and he invariably gets upset.... don't pander to him and console him. He needs to realise that you're serious

I have both, and honestly, there are more similarities than differences

If he hasn't shown any other ASD traits, then it's (probably) not ASD. Many 10yos have an unlimited capacity for acting the tit and failing to read the room.

My guess is that this has become a huge part of his identity, in his eyes. He FEELS like he can't help it, and he's also very self-conscious because now there's so much drama around every photo. He probably doesn't know how to back down gracefully (another thing 10yos are bad at).

I don't know a quick solution, but I can bet you he won't still be doing it when he's 13, because by then he'll be trying so hard to look like the photo is too pathetic and embarrassing for words.

Sorry but your kid sound annoying.

Its onthe parents to make sure their kid is not annoying.

I dont blame your sis, I would get annoyed too.

Perhaps make an agreement with him that the first photos have to have a smile and when a good photo has been taken you will take 3 more of him making a silly face.

Not a bad shout

Have you been hoping he’ll simply grow out of it?

How do you think children grow out of bad behaviour? When they realise what they are doing is childish/annoying/unacceptable.

How do you think they come to realise that?

Oh god. Are you one of those gentle parents?

There should be consequences when he doesn’t comply with simple requests like this when required (fair enough you might not care most of the time but you should be able to get him to do a straight face or simple smile when required for important photos or moments). Any other behaviours where he just refuses to do as expected and does his own thing every time?

In 4 years, he will be a strapping 14 yr old.
What happens when his girlfriend says No and he just cant stop himself.

Or why not at ten years of age act his age and just do as he's told?
He's ten not three!