Sister threw DS out of the photo

[HellMc]

My DS (10) has always pulled silly faces in photos, he’s done it since he was a toddler. We tried getting him to stop but it’s like he can’t help himself so we just got on with it. We assumed if we didn’t make a fuss out of it he’s grow out of it but he didn’t. All of his school photos have silly faces etc and now we just laugh. The only photos we have of him not doing a silly face are the natural ones he didn’t know we were taking.

Anyway yesterday me, DS, sister, her kids and my other sisters son went on a day out a national heritage site. Sister wanted a group photo of all the kids so they all stood together in front of the ruins. Sister then said to DS “either stop pulling faces or stand over there out of the photo” 😱 it came as a shock as everyone was laughing at him initially and then she suddenly got mad. I told her I thought she was being a bit harsh and she said “sorry but I’ve been trying to take a nice photo of them all all day for mum and he’s ruined every one so far”.

I told DS to just this once not pull a face but he continued doing so so sister told him to get out of shot. She then took the photo of the other kids and said “there, finally mum will have a photo for her wall”.

so I said mum would want all the kids together so she said “actually, mum told me to take the pic without your ds if he insisted on pulling a face, she was annoyed with the last lot of photos I took her because he’d ruined them all.

I feel hurt, not just about my sister but also what my mum (his grandma!) has clearly been saying!!

AIBu to feel hurt at DS being excluded from a family photo that is destined for my mums wall??

'King' child has been dethroned. Good.

He learned the hard way because you wouldn't nip it in the bud. People will eventually react to him and your lack of proper parenting - it's on you.

He wasn’t absent, he was in them pulling silly faces, thus spoiling them for others.

I have a ten year old. Your son is quite old enough to understand that pulling faces isn't funny. I think your sister had every right to give him a warning and then follow tgrough with what she said she would do. He's ten, not four.

I am part of the 6%.

On holiday we were telling my son to stop pulling silky smiles. When he was smiling naturally he looks so good.

Later, he was crying those silent rolling tears and even later he said it was because we kept telling him to smile like that. But, that’s his smile and he doesn’t know how to smile any other way and that he can’t smile naturally is just so sad.

Well, we just loved him. We said we had thought we were helping him however we were so sorry.

Somehow him feeling accepted and loved actually helped his smile for the rest of the holiday and it became more natural.

What I think is going on for my son is he is very anxious and he has to put a mask on when he feels out on the spot.

He was given clear warning as to the consequences if he continued with his behaviour. He continued and the (proportionate and sensible) consequences were enacted. If you did this with him regularly and from the outset, you wouldn’t be in this position.

The fact that it’s a group does not mean his behaviour should be tolerated. Why would it?

It’s taken an MN thread for you to realise you need to sort this out?

Sorry for the typos x

Op said he's been kicked out of every school photo bar one and in the bar one photo he looks close to tears

YABU - Your DS gave your son an option, which at the age of 10 I'm sure he'd be able to understand. He made his decision to pull a funny face, so your sister followed through with the consequence that she'd informed him of.
Your DS can want to pull a silly face in every photo, but his other family members can want a photo of everyone looking happy and normal with no silly faces. Your DS was given the option to be in the photo but he chose not to be - that was his decision.

Yet he doesn't change his behaviour? You've said he's not in most of the class photos so school are evidently giving him feedback. It sounds as if a simple bit of silly behaviour has escalated to a level that, as others have pointed out, may start to impact on him socially and with peer relationships. What about being filmed, performances on stage, reading out loud? Is it just with photos or is his behaviour escalating whenever he's on view?

He sounds like a pain in the A.
He is 10.
Pulling silly faces at 4 years old is fine and acceptable. But at 10 ? That's just rude behaviour.

He might be a "sweet boy" the rest of the time
But him pulling faces at EVERY SINGLE PHOTO EVER SINCE TODDLERHOOD. that is bizarre.

But YOU let him. So you are to blame here too. I am with your sis and mum on this one

There are actions and consequences. Your son is 10. Im sure he is aware of this....

He thinks it’s funny because he’s been led to believe this. If you wish for him to no longer continue with silly faces, you need to be consistent in your messages. No smirking/eye rolling/“what are you like?” Type response. Either zero response so he gets bored or zero tolerance so he gets no reward for unwanted behaviour

Total only child syndrome

He’s 10. Old enough to understand appropriate behaviour. By laughing at him you are just encouraging him. Your sister was absolutely right to exclude him.

What sort of silly faces are we talking about? Is it tongue out? Eyes screwed up?

My parents have this kind of view and can make the DC stand for loads of photos til all facing forwards and smiling.

I don't know if this would help but I say to my DD that if she takes one nice one we can do some funny ones.

Because on that photo it was a group photo of all the kids together and he ended up being excluded.

So take your own picture. You can’t inflict his goofy faces on other people.

Ah sorry, I think I was typing my original comment which crossed with the OP’s update when she mentioned that.

Yes it might be an OCD style compulsion.

SleepingStandingUp

Op said he's been kicked out of every school photo bar one and in the bar one photo he looks close to tears

Would you want to pay the high prices for a class picture with one kid spoiling it for the 20+ other families?

I just readyour update .
You are going to sit him down tonight,you say?
Bit late op.
Like 6 years late...😅

He's 10. Time to learn that if you don't participate properly, you get excluded from certain things 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you don't like your sister doing it OP then you need to step up and parent yourself.

He's 10, not 2. He is now learning consequences to his actions. If he acts like a silly baby, he'll be treated like one.

He finds it funny but cannot accept that others don't and then gets upset and defensive when it is pointed out to him or he gets told off and is reduced to tears due to embarrassment no doubt as in the passport photo and school photo incidents. He sounds very self centred and it seems like your indulging of him doing it has caused this, now he is reaping the backlash from others - school, your husband, your sister, you on the Whitby trip.

Yes, you need to have a long hard talk with him @HellMc he is at an age where he should perfectly understand that just because he finds something funny when others don't he can no longer be so selfish by continuing to do it and people are no longer prepared to tolerate it and he will have to accept the consequences if he does.

You know those men who are 'a bit of a character' and 'that's just how he is' etc? Yeah, this is where that shit starts. Te your DS he's 10, no one finds it funny and stop encouraging him to be an attention seeking irritation

My son went through a phase of doing a silly eye-closed face and I would just start putting the camera away. He's only four though so not quite so ingrained.
I do photography at events and you'd be surprised how people behave infront of the camera. So, so many 16 year old boys doing the double middle finger for the camera, for example. Girls and women pouting like mad. People have lost all sense of decorum!